Personal Blogs

**Reader beware of potential trigger warning.**

I have in the past expressed suicidal feelings on my blog, which I regret now, I have removed those posts from my blog out of fear they may encourage someone else who is feeling suicidal to do something they would regret, which was never my intention. I would feel absolutely horrified and deeply saddened to think that something I wrote would ever encourage anyone to do that.

I am often misunderstood, and I can be a bit impulsive sometimes, and behave recklessly without thinking things out properly. Especially it seems with written communication, but also verbally, as many who have got to know me can attest to. 

My social skills are not that great, which I think is part of the pain I feel at times.

I want to state publicly for the record that I have resolved never to act on any suicidal feelings, ever. No matter what I am feeling, however painful it is. I realise suicide is wrong, and however clever my mind can be at justifying it with its delusions, its tricks and erroneous thinking. It is always wrong view.

I have resolved to live and to not give up - and I am determined to get through this.

Peace and goodwill to you, 

sending a massive kundalini hug to all my readers (-: 

Richie aye

This is very interesting, well worth a listen if you can spare five minutes.

'In a population of what 68 million, what threat exactly are the 5 million who choose not to be vaccinated going to be? Bearing in mind that two thirds of those who are unvaccinated will have already caught COVID and have acquired natural immunity, which is superior to any vaccine and lasts much longer, (for example, people who caught SARS still have immunity to it 17 years later, and SARS has gone now) so if you have already caught COVID and have natural immunity you are actually doing the population a favour not getting vaccinated, as natural immunity is a stronger protection and a bigger help towards herd immunity as it lasts for much longer than a jab you have to keep having a booster of every 3 months. And lets not pretend that there aren't people in hospital being treated for vaccine injuries, because there are, however much we would like to brush that under the carpet. There are also double-jabbed people catching COVID and passing it on to other people who are double-jabbed. There is also evidence that the side effects of the vaccine are worse if you have already caught COVID. So why on Earth would someone who has acquired a natural immunity to COVID still need to be vaccinated? It makes no sense. The idea of mandating a vaccine that hasn't been licensed is bizarre.'

Walking in the rain
heart twisting pain
No more beat within
Is that the price of sin?
Ah but there is no soul
It doesn't exist
Just a changing process
That never stays still 
From one moment to the next
Who are you?

Abandonment is hard. I have trouble with communication and human relations. I make friends only for them to abandon me because they can't handle my mood swings and delusions. This has happened to me numerous times with people I thought were good friends. I think they have to cut me off for their own sanity, because I can get a bit intense sometimes. I feel regret for that. I don't judge them, although I did judge them at the time, hated them for it in fact, being cut loose and abandoned by others feels cold and painful and just reinforces all the negative beliefs I hold about myself. But I also understand why they did it and there's nothing I can do to change what happened, it sucks, but I have to let it go. I can't force people to like me or be my friend. 

I wish I didn't lose friendships like this, it hurts a lot. So I think for my own sake, I need to practise some self-care and just not bother making anymore connections. I'll stay solitary I think, it is less painful that way, rejection is unpleasant and triggers me, makes me go on a downer, and I get depressed and I start feeling the self-loathing and wishing I wasn't alive, and that isn't a good way to be. I figure if I just keep myself to myself from now on and avoid connecting to others then I will avoid that trigger (I hope). Although loneliness is hard, but one is only lonely if they think they are lonely. And I am making friends with non-human beings, both seen and unseen, so I am not completely alone, just alone in the sense of not having many human friends/companions.

Still there are some good people whom I do still have a strong heart connection to, who haven't abandoned me or misunderstood me, and they have seen me at my worse over the years, and they still want to know me and be my friend. I am grateful for those people, they warm my heart and make me want to carry on living. And although some of them don't live close by, it doesn't matter, the connection I have with them in my heart is strong and cannot be broken. They help me feel fearless and remind me that I at least matter to some people out there.

My inability to connect with others is painful.

Feel a distinct lack of anything today. Feel a bit dead inside. Although I did start the day with a fair bit of anger this morning, and yes it did upgrade itself to hatred for a moment, I even expressed my hatred out loud to the universe (as if it gave a shit, lol), I confess I felt pure hatred, but now that tempest of a storm has passed and frozen me into an ice king. Can't feel much love, joy, pleasure, compassion, empathy, can't feel much of anything really. Just an apathetic sludge of dispassion. I guess that is the punishment for not abandoning hatred when it arose in the mind. Still there's an assignment to do, and I am struggling with it, but intend to get it completed by the deadline. 

I hear fresh calls on the media to go after the unvaxxed and punish them for not wanting to take a chance on an experimental medical procedure, one that offers no compensation if you get injured by it or die. And let me repeat, if I get seriously ill I won't bother the healthcare system whatsoever, so the media can fck off with its guilt trips, harking on about how the refuseniks should be punished because they will overstretch the health service and make it unavailable for the holier-than-thou vaxxed. I promise you if I get seriously ill with covid I will not bother the NHS whatsoever, I will of course quarantine myself for 14 days so I don't pass it on to anyone else. 

 They should just let omicron go endemic, it will become the dominant strain then, and seen as it is being reported in different parts of the world as mild and harmless, it seems the most logical thing to do. Lockdowns and restrictions may no longer be necessary. I even heard (Singapore I think) saying they were considering letting it go endemic due to how harmless this new strain seems to be. Omicron could be a gift that puts an end to this pandemic. I don't understand why the government are so pushy with the vaccine, especially with kids and young adults who are more at risk of harm from the vaccine than the virus. Natural immunity is much better. And the covid vaccines don't prevent one transmitting the virus to others anyway. The vaccines are just there for people to protect themselves if they choose to, but the vaxxed can still catch and spread covid. I feel like a broken record though, I have written about my views on this before, so won't bore any readers with it again. Other than think for yourselves, and don't trust the mainstream media or any government, they have lied to us before about many things in the past, nothing is what it seems. Look at who is making the money, the big bucks. I imagine a mandatory regular booster may be a huge kerching! for someone out there (cough.. big pharma.. cough).

The thought of mandatory vaccines gives me the creeps. There's a reason the Geneva convention protects our human right to decline a medical procedure, as such things can be abused by dodgy governments, don't forget WWII and the horror of the Nazis, because if we aint careful we may end up sleep-walking into the fourth reich. Our human rights should always be protected.

The wind is howling out there, my wheelie bins are knocked over; but I decided to leave them be as they weren't in a place that would bother anyone, and they seemed harmless enough laying sideways on the ground. I will put them back up when the storm has passed. 

Went for a walk, the sea was coming right over the sea wall and flooding the road and pavement, huge waves that looked like something biblical.

 At one point I came across where the sea had flooded over the pavement, blocking where I wanted to be. And I remembered a story about the Buddha when he was with some of his monks and they came across a patch of road that had been flooded by the Ganges and the people around him where frantically making rafts to get across. But he just lifted his foot and like someone taking an effortless stride, teleported and placed his foot down on the other side along with all the monks who where with him. Apparently all the people there looked on in amazement. 

So I tried to imagine I was the Buddha and yes I really was about to make a stride across, then suddenly remembered I wasn't a Buddha yet and that my mind was too full of aversion (a psychic irritant) meaning I would most likely end up f#cking it up and getting soaked in the cold water and would look rather foolish. Luckily though, I spotted a way to get round it, which involved a bit of hopping from one jutting out stone to the next. I consoled myself as I did this by thinking the Buddha would have done the same. He only used miracles to get past obstacles when necessary, and if a non-miraculous alternative presented itself he would use that instead. He even once criticised a yogi who had spent 12 years practising how to walk on water. The Yogi was showing off, and the Buddha un-impressed and rather dryly said to him that he would have been better off using the nearby ferry to get across the river and instead spent those twelve years practising to be free of greed, hatred and delusion, as that was the most valuable power of all, the liberation of nibbana.

The weather today feels like it is reflecting my current mood.The angry bitter tears of Samsara.  I feel fed up and annoyed with everything. Fed up of trying and failing. Feel like I am going round and round in circles, getting nowhere. I try my best, I really do, but that doesn't seem to be good enough for the universe.

 There's also an assignment to do which I am struggling with and I don't anticipate I will get a good grade. It bothers me how bad my memory is getting. I seriously wonder if I have what it takes to do this degree. Still, I won't give up, I will persevere, and maybe one day I will succeed (I hope) and be able to tick the 'Right Livelihood' box on the road to enlightenment, either that or live the rest of my life in poverty. I suppose I could become a homeless solitary monk, meditate with a begging bowl. I think I would rather keep trying as a lay person though.

Here is a 'F#ck Samsara playlist' - enjoy (;

https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLodJ_OuDCKlf-EgR8Wx1goze7toOB4orL

Here is a summary of the four foundations of mindfulness that I chant every day to help me remember the Satipatthana Sutta (The Buddha's famous teachings on mindfulness).

I find chanting to be a powerful tool for instructing mindfulness on what it needs to be paying attention to. After practising a while you will find that sati (mindfulness) works on its own volition like a trusted guard at the gate, a powerful ally, working independently of the narrator mind. I find the phrases I regularly chant  will often pop up out of the blue during the day to remind me of important teachings.

It is important to also bear in mind that simply being aware of these four foundations isn't all there is to the practise. One does so in combination with Right effort. Which in a nutshell is about four practise principles 1. Preventing unwholesome states of mind arising. 2. If prevention doesn't work, one abandons unwholesome states of mind as soon as one notices they have arison. 3. One generates and brings into being wholesome states of mind. 4. One cultivates those wholesome states of mind so that they grow and develop and become continuous, i.e. one's default behaviour. 

I have borrowed heavily from the Birken forest monastery chant book. And changed it in places, adding some extra bits that I find helpful in my own spiritual practise. Particularly in mindfulness of the body, where I have added an extra three elements (space, consciousness, and interdependence) to the traditional four primary elements of earth, water, fire, and air. I also simultaneously practise awareness of the seven chakras that correspond with the seven elements found in kundalini yoga. Which is not what the Buddha taught, but is something I find helpful in my own practise.

 I have also changed the part on cemetary contemplations, to the five remembrances, as in the West we don't have charnel grounds to visit where we can observe a rotting corpse and reflect on death. But I have added a bit extra to the chant to help with the contemplation of death. 

I have also added the eight worldy winds and the brahma viharas to mindfulness of feelings.

Be aware this is very much a chant I have tailored to help me on my spiritual journey, and it may not be right for others, so please bear in mind that some of it has deviated from the original sutta in places. So I would advise the reader to check out the original sutta if they find it interesting. Or read the summary in the Birken forest monastery chant book. 

The four foundations of mindfulness

The Buddha addressing the sangha:

'This is the direct path for the purification of beings. For the overcoming of sorrow and lamentation; the disappearance of pain and grief. The true attainment of the way and the realisation of nibbana. Namely the four foundations of mindfulness: '

Foundation one - mindfulness of the body

• Mindfulness of the four postures: walking, standing, sitting, and lying down.
• Mindfulness of the breath.
• Mindfulness of the present moment.
• Reflection on the different parts of the body. Hair, nails, teeth, eyeballs, skin, muscles, blood vessels, mucous, nerves, internal organs: brain, heart, lungs, stomach, kidneys, liver,  gallbladder, spleen, pancreas, intestines, bones, bone marrow. 
• Contemplation of the seven elements:
  Earth element both inside the body and outside the body.
  Water element both inside the body and outside the body.
  Fire element both inside the body and outside the body.
  Air element both inside the body and outside the body.
  Space element both inside the body and outside the body.
  Consciousness both inside the body and outside the body.
  Interdependence both inside the body and outside the body.
• The five reflections:
  I am of the nature to grow old, I have not gone beyond ageing.
  I am of the nature to become sick, I have not gone beyond ill health.
  I am of the nature to die, I have not gone beyond death.
  I could die at any moment, and that is normal; people die at all different ages. And when I die I will become a rotting corpse and return to the four primary elements (earth, water, fire, air), this is a natural process and the fate of all living beings. Every body has an expiry date. I should not fear death.
  Everything I hold dear and everyone that I love will become separated from me due to the nature of change and impermanence.
  I am the owner of my karma, the heir of my karma, born of my karma, related to my karma, abide supported by my karma. Therefore should I frequently recollect that whatever actions I do for good or for bad - that is the karma I will inherit.

Foundation two - mindfulness of feelings 

(n.b. in Buddhism feelings also means physical sensations as well as mental ones.)

• Mindfulness of pleasant feelings.
• Mindfulness of unpleasant feelings.
• Mindfuness of neutral feelings (something that you are neither grasping for nor pushing away).
• Mindfulness of worldly feelings. The eight wordly winds: pain and pleasure; wealth and misfortune; success and failure; praise and blame.
• Mindfulness of unworldly feelings: metta (loving-kindness), karuna (compassion), mudita (joy in another's happiness), upekka (equanimity), samhadi (deep state of stillness, focus, absorption), jhana (profound state of samhadi), nibbana (liberation of mind that cannot be reversed).­­­­­

Awareness of the manifestation, arising and disappearance of feelings.

Foundation three - mindfulness of the mind

Understanding the mind as:

• Greedy or not.
• Hateful or not.
• Deluded or not.
• Vulnerable or not.
• Conceited or not.
• Collected or scattered.
• Developed or not.
• Focused or not.
• Liberated or not.

Awareness of the manifestation, arising and disappearance of these states of mind.

Foundation four - mindfulness of dharma categories

­­­­­­The five psychic irritants:

1. Wordly desire
2. Aversion
3. Dullness and fatigue
4. Agitation and worry
5. Doubt (lack of confidence)

Awareness of the manifestation, the origination and disappearance of the five hindrances.

The five aggregates of clinging:

Clinging to:

1. Material form
2. Feelings
3. Perceptions
4. Thoughts, memories and emotions
5. Consciousness

Awareness of the manifestation, the arising, and the dissolution of the five aggregates of clinging.

The six external and six internal sense bases:

1. Eye and visual objects
2. Ear and sounds
3. Nose and smells
4. Tongue and tastes
5. Body and tangible objects
6. Mind and mental objects

Knowledge of them, of their arising, and of their abandonment (letting go); and the future non-arising of the fetters that originate dependent on both.

The seven factors of enlightenment/awakening:

1. Mindfulness
2. Investigation of dharma
3. Energy and perseverance
4. Joy
5. Tranquility
6. Samhadi
7. Equanimity

Knowledge of their presence, their arising, and their development.

The four noble truths:

1. Knowledge of suffering
2. Of its origination
3. Its cessation
4. And the path that leads to the end of suffering (the noble eight-fold path)

The noble eight-fold path

1. Right view: Use the four noble truths and the other dharma categories as a guide/tool to help one spot, prevent, abandon and uproot the three poisons of greed, hatred and delusion from the mind.
2. Right intention: The intention of letting go (renunciation); the intention of non-illwill; the intention of harmlessness (non-cruelty).
3. Right speech: I will refrain from false speech; I will refrain from malicious/divisive speech; I will refrain from harsh speech; I will refrain from pointless/frivolous speech.
4. Right action: I will abstain from killing any being (including myself); I will abstain from taking what is not given; I will abstain from sexual misconduct.
5. Right livelihood: Having abandoned wrong livelihood, one continues to make one's living with right livelihood. A livelihood that does not cause harm to oneself or others.
6. Right effort: One generates the desire for the prevention of unwholesome states of mind, by making effort, rousing energy, exerting one's mind and persevering.
   One generates the desire for the abandonment of unwholesome states of mind, by making effort, arousing energy, exerting one's mind and persevering.
   One generates the desire for the arising of wholesome states of mind, by making effort, rousing energy, exerting one's mind and persevering.
   One generates the desire for the continuance, non-disappearance, strengthening, increase, and full-development of wholesome states of mind. By making effort, arousing energy, exerting one's mind and persevering.
7. Right mindfulness: Having removed longing and dejection in regard to the world.
   One abides contemplating the body as a body, ardent, clearly-comprehending and mindful.
   One abides contemplating feelings as feelings, ardent, clearly-comprehending and mindful.
   One abides contemplating mind as mind, ardent, clearly-comprehending and mindful.
   One abides contemplating dharma as dharma, ardent, clearly-comprehending and mindful.
8. Right samhadi: Quite secluded from worldly pleasures, secluded from unwholesome states of mind. One lets go of the story of self and enters and abides in the first jhana. Which is accompanied by applied and sustained thought, and has the rapture and happiness born from seclusion from the world and letting go.
   With the subsiding of applied and sustained thought. One enters and abides in the second jhana, which is accompanied by self-confidence and unification of mind. Is without applied and sustained thought, and has the rapture and happiness born of concentration (samhadi).
   With the fading away as well of rapture, one abides in equanimity. And mindful, clearly-comprehending, still feeling pleasure with the body. One enters and abides in the third jhana. On account of which the noble ones annouce: 'One has a pleasant abiding who has equanimity and is mindful.'
   With the letting go of pain and pleasure and the previous disappearance of sadness and joy. One enters and abides in the fourth jhana. Which has neither pleasure nor pain. And has mindfulness purified and born of equanimity.

The Buddha addressing the sangha: ' If one were to properly practise the four foundations of mindfulness for seven years; or in some cases just seven days. One of two results can be expected for that person. Either one gains final liberating knowledge here and now in this very life. Or if there is a trace of clinging remaining, in the next life one is reborn in the higher heavens and gains final liberating knowledge there. In both instances, one is never again born into this world. '

This might make me a bit unpopular, but I have been trying to understand this big push for vaccination. Especially as politicians and the media keep supplying misinformation about them. They use the argument one should be vaccinated to protect others, but the elephant 🐘 in the room is these new COVID vaccines don't work that way. The only person they protect is the one who is vaccinated, not anyone else. If I get vaccinated, I can still catch COVID and spread it. Therefore vaccinating myself does not stop me passing it on to someone else and therefore does not protect the old and vulnerable. If politicians really cared about the old and vulnerable they wouldn't be leaving them to die alone in under-staffed care homes. 

I also fear mandatory vaccines could become more sinister in the future, and things could get more dystopian, what if they insist on vaccinating us against extremism for example, or add things to them to make us all more docile and obedient, (as a way of controlling us.) If vaccines are compulsory nobody would have the right to decline them. Which is why medical procedures like that should never be made mandatory, it grants too much power to the state and corporations to interfere with our bodies. Any medical procedure should always be with the informed consent of the person undergoing the procedure.

What I think is happening here is the pharmaceutical companies are making huge profits. Moderna for example just announced a $40 billion profit from its sale of COVID vaccines. And I imagine giving everyone regular boosters has got them very excited, it is a big Kerching! for them, which is why they are lobbying governments to keep giving us boosters and make them mandatory because then they will make guaranteed regular profits. They also have nothing to lose, because if anything does go wrong they are not held liable, so do not have to pay compensation to anyone, as the governments have indemnified them. 

I know for a fact pharmaceutical bosses have been meeting with governments. They recently met with the UK government and shortly after the government announced they would be buying more boosters for everyone next year. It is all about money, follow the money as someone once told me and you will learn the truth of what is going on. 

The cynic in me thinks that is what is happening here. I heard a pharmaceutical boss being interviewed on the radio and questioned about the huge amount of money they are making from these vaccines, they just shrugged and said so what? They tried to make it out to be a good thing, that it will encourage more business to make vaccines and new medicines. But I disagree I think it will end in disaster. Doing things out of greed is wrong view. No good can come of it, eventually something will go terribly wrong. Greed is not a good motivation or foundation to build anything on.

My view will always be that I will not be coerced into having an experimental medical procedure or any kind of experimental medicine, I won't be a human guinea pig for pharmaceutical companies, especially because if something does go wrong and it causes me long term damage and disability there's no compensation. I'm on my own, with a damaged body caused by an experimental vaccine/medicine that nobody can be held accountable for; all while pharmaceutical companies announce record profits. 

Greed is wrong view. And only bad things can happen when the world is dominated by wrong view.

I wish instead of putting so much resources into vaccinating the world against a relatively mild virus that looks like it is about to go endemic and become fairly harmless with the omicron variant. I wish instead they would muster all that energy and resources into sorting out the awful pollution and environmental destruction happening on the Earth, and turn this mass extinction event around. Did you know that one in four birds in the UK are now on the endangered species list with red status?

 I also wish they would sort out poverty and stand up to these big corporations and make them pay their fricking taxes to help support the countries they suck the wealth out of. It is time to go after the Jeff Bezos and Mark Zuckerbergs of the world and demand they pay corporation tax, as their greed is destroying economies and making the world poorer. And Amazon needs to treat its warehouse staff better, the way that company treats its workers is inhumane - shame on them. 

This idea of the trickle down economy is horse shit.

Tired.
And caught up in the things of the world. 
Hands up, it was me.
I lost my equanimity.
But feel closer now,
closer to the other shore,
Knock knock knocking on heaven's door.
Everything is insubstantial, empty,
just like you and me.
always changing,
rearranging.
Phasing.

I try to chant this at different times throughout the day, and it can sometimes be a powerful tool for overcoming difficult thoughts; as well as a helpful way to remember the Buddha's teachings. I chant it either in my head, or out loud depending on where I am. It can also be a good way to start a meditation practise and gather and settle the mind.

The noble eight-fold path

This is called the noble truth of the way leading to the end of suffering.  

Right view

The four noble truths.

1. Knowledge of suffering

2. Of its origin. 

3. It's cessation.

4. And the path that leads to the end of suffering (The noble eight-fold path).

Right intention

The intention of renunciation (letting go),
the intention of non-ill-will, 
the intention of harmlessness and non-cruelty.

Right speech

I will refrain from false speech.
I will refrain from malicious and divisive speech.
I will refrain from harsh speech.
I will refrain from pointless (frivolous) speech.

Right action

I will abstain from killing any being (including myself).
I will abstain from taking what is not given.
I will abstain from sexual misconduct.

Right livelihood

Having abandoned wrong livelihood, one continues to make one's living with right livelihood. A livelihood that does not cause harm to oneself or to others.

Right effort

One generates the desire for the prevention of unwholesome states of mind; by making effort, rousing energy, exerting one's mind, and persevering.
One generates the desire for the abandonment of unwholesome states of mind; by making effort, arousing energy, exerting one's mind, and persevering.
One generates the desire for the arising of wholesome states of mind; by making effort, rousing energy, exerting one's mind, and persevering.
One generates the desire for the continuance, non-disappearance, strengthening, increase, and full-development of wholesome states of mind; by making effort, arousing energy, exerting one's mind, and persevering.

Right Mindfulness

Having removed longing and dejection in regard to the world.
One abides contemplating the body as a body. Ardent, clearly-comprehending and mindful.
One abides contemplating feelings as feelings. Ardent, clearly-comprehending and mindful.
One abides contemplating mind as mind. Ardent, clearly-comprehending and mindful.
One abides contemplating dharma as dharma. Ardent, clearly-comprehending and mindful.

Right Samhadi (Concentration, meditation, stillness, absorption, a deep serenity)

Quite secluded from worldy desires. Secluded from unwholesome states of mind. One lets go of the story of self, and enters and abides in the first jhana. Which is accompanied by applied and sustained thought; and has the rapture and happiness born of seclusion from the world and letting go.

With the subsiding of applied and sustained thought. One enters and abides in the second jhana; which is accompanied by self-confidence and unification of mind. Is without applied and sustained thought, and has the rapture and happiness born of concentration (samhadi).

With the fading away of rapture. One abides in equanimity. And mindful, clearly-comprehending, still feeling pleasure with the body. One enters and abides in the third jhana. On account of which the noble ones announce: 'One has a pleasant abiding who has equanimity and is mindful.'

With the letting go of pain and pleasure; and the previous disappearance of sadness and joy. One enters and abides in the fourth jhana. Which has neither pleasure nor pain. And has mindfulness purified and born of equanimity.

...

I don't expect anyone to understand it all. It takes a while for it to click (at least it did for me), and is best done under the direction of an experienced Buddhist teacher (online or offline). But if Buddhism is something that interests you, some sanghas I recommend are: Appamada (Zen), Just This (Zen), and Birken Forest Monastery (Theravada), but there are more out there, so just do some research and find a good fit for you, many are available to connect with online now.

Peace and equanimity (-;

Is there a way to generate joy that doesn't depend on anything outside oneself? 

Without it I feel like a bird with a broken wing, who longs to fly but can't take off.
Held down by the gravity of a crap reality.
The pain of separation, of living in a world that doesn't give damn.
A dream within a dream within a dream. 

What is real anyway? 

Is it the world out there? Or the world within?