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The Companion: Part 54

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Edited by William Justin Thirsk-Gaskill, Wednesday, 31 Aug 2011, 00:37

Katya and Liliya have found the man who killed Rosalind, on I-13.  I have signalled to them to put him in a crate and bring him home, alive, with all speed.   I need to ask Kelvin if he can get me some acid - about two hundred litres.

            Horace will be born soon.  Kelvin is being supportive.  This may be his way of shielding himself from aspects of public life that he now finds unpleasant, but I don't mind.  He seems to be with us in mind as well as body.  We have nearly finished building a proper house, above ground.  I don't want my baby to be born in a bunker.  Kelvin has even painted the baby's room, with paint manufactured by a new concern that he and James Holt have started.   I asked him if it was non-toxic but he just rolled his eyes heavenward.  The colour scheme is in lots of stripes because Kelvin wanted to try out every colour they had come up with.  It looks insane but I am sure the baby will find it interesting.  He is now working on a wooden mobile, with stars, planets, comets, space rockets and aliens.  One of the aliens' faces reminds me of Prude.

*

Violet will soon give birth to our baby, who is still known as Horace.  Violet refuses to tell me what sex the child is, and I have not pressed her about this.  She assured me that the baby is healthy and, as she puts it, 'doesn't have two heads or eleven fingers'.   I wonder if Horace will be the first creature ever to be conceived in one solar system and born in another.  He (I call him 'he' for convenience) must surely be the first human child born of an android mother. 

            I hope Violet got the DNA right.  I don't care what he looks like, or how he grows up, but he'll be such a disappointment to Violet if he is weak, ugly or stupid.  Perhaps weakness or ugliness she could tolerate, but not stupidity. 

            We have had something of a disagreement about the birth.  She said that she wanted me to see the baby as soon immediately after he has been born, but she did not want me at the birth itself. 

            'Can't I help?' I asked.

            'I won't need any help. You can help by doing as I tell you.'

            'I thought labour was very traumatic and sometimes dangerous.'

            'Labour.  It's redundant.  There won't be any labour: just parturition and delivery, which I will oversee myself.'

            'Don't you think my being present at the birth will help to make the three of us feel closer together?'

            'Why the hell do you have to go all gooey every time I am trying to do something practical and scientific?  This is the conclusion of a ground-breaking research project: one which is, by the way, arguably one of the most significant events in modern human history, and I want to manage my experiment in my own way.  Can't you understand that?  Or is it now too long since you did any proper science for you to remember how it is done?'

            'In the first place, fuck you, and, in the second, I refuse to have my child referred to as merely the product of a scientific experiment.'

            'Well it is the product of a scientific experiment.  "I Married An Android" - remember?'

            'No, you're not an android.'

            'Yes, I am an android.'

            'You're a fucking android when it bloody well suits you.'

            'Yes, Kelvin, and so are you.'

            And then we both started crying.  She looked at me with the strangest mixture of venom and longing that I have ever seen.  I may be making this up, but I thought at that moment that I knew what she was silently trying to convey: remember that if it weren't for my own efforts, we would not be here together, and so I held my peace.  The tacit agreement is that I will be outside the room when the baby comes into the world, but I will be able to hear it cry and to see it and hold it immediately afterwards.  And I won't be able to sleep with Violet or see her naked until after she has repaired herself. 

*

I know that I swore I never would, but I have reluctantly decided to publish another edition of Royal Flush.  It would be silly not to:  people are clamouring for news about the royal baby.  It's a he, and he weighs ten pounds - what a pork-ball.  That's not a baby: it's an oven-ready turkey.  His name is an absolute hoot: Edgar Pascal Democritus Stark.  I can hardly get it out without cracking up. 

            I have to admit that the photo shoots (plural) have been a triumph.  The royal couple have been disgustingly good about the publicity.  And the baby is without doubt a little celeb in the making.  He chuckles and smiles in all the right places.  He does look adorable (as much as one with no teeth and who suffers from the combined effects of baldness, obesity and double-incontinence can do).  And, just as things are getting a bit boring and predictable, he pukes up, right in front of camera.  Marvellous.  I could not have trained him better myself.  There is nothing like a bit of well-aimed projectile vomiting to get people's attention.  I just hope he can sustain this for the next twenty-five years or so.  I hope the little chap isn't taking too much out of himself.

            I wonder what age he will hit puberty.

            The special issue is four shillings, by the way.  Yes, I know that is twice the cover price of the previous print-run, but this is a collector's edition.  I'd prefer it in silver, if you don't mind.  My girls will end up with shoulders like rugby league players if they have to carry all that copper around in their satchels.

*

I keep volunteering for geological expeditions to more and more remote parts of the planet, but still I can't help hearing news about Kelvin.  I just want to shut it all out, but even on this sparsely-populated world, there are still satellites and radios.  It is difficult to work in a professional manner and still escape the flow of information.  

            I hear that he has had a child.  I'm not much of a biologist - or an expert on androids - and so I still don't really grasp how this was possible.  How can it possibly be in the interests of the child to have a machine for a mother?  Is there any way back from this?  I can't see one.  Even if Kelvin came to his senses now, and annulled his so-called marriage to this thing he calls "Violet", what future would there be for us?  Would he expect me to look after the baby?  Would I be able to face the baby?  Even if I could, how would I feel about it later after we had had a child of our own: a proper child, with a human mother.  

            One of the articles I read said that she is going to breast-feed.  I suppose that just goes to show that you should not believe everything you read.  Is that possible?  How does it work?  What would it taste like?  Would it be like UHT?

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The Companion: Part 51

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Edited by William Justin Thirsk-Gaskill, Wednesday, 13 Apr 2011, 22:59

Another Assembly has been arranged, to take place in two weeks.   I will abdicate, relinquish the position of Commander-in-Chief, and the monarchy can be abolished.  If every-one sticks to the point, the whole thing should be over in about ten minutes.  

            Violet has been acting very strangely.  She has really started bothering me about building what she insists on calling “a house for normal people rather than troglodytes”.  She goes on about this for hours.  It is driving me to drink, which is something she seems increasingly to disapprove of.  Violet herself has virtually given up alcohol.  She has also started eating like a horse.  She has taken over one of the poly-tunnels on the farm, and is growing avocadoes, peppers and tomatoes.  Until they are mature enough to harvest, she is in communication with various farmers and merchants on I-3, and is importing them by the crate, at colossal expense.  She takes the avocadoes out of the box, one-by-one, and she cries if any of them are bruised.  She eats them with raw onions, tomato-bread, olive oil, yoghurt, herbs, and all the fish she can lay her hands on.  I have told her not to bother cooking my meals any more, because she has taken to over-cooking meat until it is like leather.  I have always preferred mine rare on the inside. 

            She says she has something she needs to tell me.  I am really worried.  I think I have been unsettled by the change of identity from Pamela to Violet.  I thought I had lost Violet.  Let me re-phrase that more accurately: I thought I had allowed myself to make the mistake of leaving Violet behind, and then Pamela turned into Violet, and I suppose I still cannot believe that I have been given another chance, even though I know that Violet is the real Violet. 

            I will not say that we could not have won the war without Violet, but I will say this: as soon as I heard her speaking to me, seemingly out of nowhere, for no apparent reason, I knew that it meant conflict, but I knew that we would win. 

*

            ‘Kelvin, there is something I need to tell you.’

            ‘What?’

            ‘It is something very important.  Are you listening?’

            ‘Yes.  What is it?’

            ‘Are you here?  Are you with me?  Where are you?’

            ‘I’m here, for fuck’s sake.  What is it?’

            ‘I’m pregnant.’

            ‘What?’

            ‘I’m pregnant.’

            ‘Do you mean that you are going to give birth to a baby?’

            ‘That is what being pregnant usually means, you idiot.  Bloody hell, you are hard work, sometimes.’

            ‘And to whom will the baby be genetically related?  Who is the baby’s mother?’

            ‘Me.’

            ‘And who is the baby’s father?’

            ‘Kelvin Stark.’

            ‘And so it is our baby.’

            ‘Yes.’

            ‘How is this possible?’

            ‘It is a long story, but it is happening.  Kelvin…’

            ‘Yes?’

            ‘You are going to be a father.  Are you up to this?’

            ‘What?’

            ‘Being a father?’

            ‘No, probably not.’

            ‘I see.  And so what are we going to do?’

            ‘We will just have to do the best we can.’

            ‘That is not good enough.’

            ‘Well, what do you think we should do?’

            ‘I want you to wake up to your responsibilities.  I want you to think sensibly and act to prepare yourself for fatherhood.  I need your support.  I need you to face up to this.  Do you know how to do that?’

            ‘Of course.’

            ‘I don’t think you do.’

            ‘Why not?’

            ‘Because you never have in the past.’

            ‘Yes, I have.’

            ‘No, you haven’t.  You face up to boys’ things, like wars, and bayonet-charges, and running a brewery, and colonising new planets, but you are bloody useless at relationships, and communication, and being honest about your own feelings, and families, and children.  You are good at things that are transient and trivial and dangerous, and bad at things that are lasting and important and safe.’  She started poking me and slapping me.

            ‘Less of the domestic violence, please.  Ouch!  That bloody hurt.’

            ‘Poof.  Wuss.  Cissy.’

            ‘Violet, do you mind if I ask you a question?’

            ‘You just have done.’

            ‘Do you like me?’

            ‘No, I fucking hate you, you self-absorbed, dysfunctional, cowardly, useless little bastard.’

            ‘Well why do you stay with me?’

            ‘For two reasons.  First, I like to keep an eye on you.  Second, I like to be on hand to exploit any opportunity to watch you suffer.’

            ‘As a basis for a relationship, that seems to me to lack resilience and warmth.’

            ‘And what would you know about resilience and warmth?’  There was a long pause. 

            ‘How many weeks are you?’

            ‘Two.’

            ‘When did we conceive then?’

            ‘Back on earth.’

            ‘When?’

            ‘Do you remember the night I wore that white lingerie?’

            ‘The first time I saw you cry?’

            ‘Oh.  You noticed that.  I did not realise you had made that observation.’

            ‘Well, I did.’

            ‘Why didn’t you say something?  No – don’t bother to answer that.’

            ‘Why are you only two weeks pregnant if we conceived years ago?’

            ‘I froze the embryo.’

            ‘Where did you keep it?’

            ‘Inside me.’

            ‘Do you know if it is a boy or a girl?’

            ‘Yes, I am certain that it is either a boy or a girl.’

            ‘No, I mean which is it?’

            ‘We don’t know yet.  I’ll generate some sonograms later on.’

            ‘How is this possible?’

            ‘I did some research.  I invented an artificial uterus and a vascular system.  I have generated a genome for myself.’

            ‘And so the child will look like you?’

            ‘Yes.’

            ‘Fantastic. Will it be as intelligent as you?’

            ‘That is much less certain.  I can only say that I hope so.’

            ‘The vascular system – did you menstruate a few times?’

            ‘Once, yes.’

            ‘That explains the tampons.’

            ‘Yes.’

            ‘I’ve still got them.’

            ‘What the hell for?’

            ‘I took them to remind me of you.’

            ‘Kelvin, I do wonder why you didn’t take me to remind you of me.’

            ‘What are we going to call it?’

            ‘I have not made up my mind yet.  At the moment, I call him or her Horace.’

            ‘I like that.  Horace.’

*

After I got back from my last geological survey, on C-2, I went back to I-11 and paid a visit to Kelvin’s estate.  He lives in the nuttiest house you have ever seen.  There is a little building, big enough for about two rooms, behind a huge gun emplacement.  It is on an island in the middle of a river.  You have to get across on a boat.  I had been fore-warned about this in the village, and rowed across the river on a coracle which I borrowed from the place where I was staying.   I walked most of the distance, with the coracle on my back, and then rowed across. 

            I had butterflies in my stomach for most of the journey.  I could not stop thinking about Kelvin.  There was so much I wanted to talk to him about.  I had been rehearsing conversations for weeks.  I had been trying to anticipate every possible thing he could say as a reply.  In my imagination, I kept asking him if he loved me. 

            By the time I got to the jetty on Kelvin’s island, I was shaking all over.  I walked up the steps, and peered over the parapet.  Kelvin and what I took to be a woman were standing about a hundred metres away.  They were looking at the ground and pointing, as if discussing an extension to the house.  They seemed too deeply absorbed to notice me.  I watched them for a few minutes.  When they had finished gesticulating, they moved towards each other, and seemed to be talking more confidentially.  And then they kissed.  I don’t mean a quick peck on the cheek.  I mean a huge snog with tongues and, when you finally come up for air, finding you have got one of the other person’s fillings in your mouth.  I felt sick.  I could not get a very good view of the other person, and then I realised who it was.  It was Violet.  Kelvin was kissing an android.  He didn’t just kiss her, either.  When they had finished licking the back of each other’s throats, they nuzzled and cuddled each other.  It was nauseating.  It was all I could do not to throw up.  I dropped back below the parapet, crept back down the steps, got back into my coracle, and rowed silently off down-stream.  When I got back to the village, I just went up to my room, and sat on my bed until it got dark.  I didn’t go down for dinner.  I just went to sleep.

            Oh, god, I hope they don’t ask me to be the Speaker at the Assembly.  I don’t think I could stand on a stage with Kelvin now.  I don’t know what I am going to do.

*

If I can stop crying for a few minutes, I am about to start putting together another edition of Royal Flush.  This edition will be the last.  I had thought it would come to an end when my Earth-manufactured printer broke down, or I ran out of ink, but in fact I am about to run out of things to say.  The paper’s newsworthiness comes from the excitement the female  readership – bless them all – gets from speculation about the King’s future marriage prospects, and he has just announced that he has got married.  Not engaged, you understand, but married.  I will never forgive him for this – never.  I know that he never considered Royal Flush to be a respectable periodical, but he was at least polite to me when I used to ask him for interviews.  He never just cut me off.  But this – this is a calculated insult.

            There was no pomp and circumstance; no doves; no cathedral; no organ music; no page boys or bridesmaids.  No cheering crowds; no hats in the air.  There was a dress, I am told.  I have seen a picture of it, and it looks like something that would have been worn at the wedding of the Princess of Frumpland to the Prince of Chavaria.

            I hope it all goes wrong.  I wish him an eternity of rows, thrown crockery, infidelity, and stillborn babies.  I hate him.  I hate him.  I hate him. 

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The Companion: Part 50

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We counted the casualties.  We had 138 dead and 249 wounded.  The enemy had 407 dead and virtually all the rest sick or wounded, not including those who had fled the battlefield (many of whom would be among the sick) and those whose bodies had been pulverised during the bombardment of Hardboard City.

            We let Hardboard City burn out, after the wind had dispersed the chlorine gas, and the following morning we searched through the debris.  The only thing of note we found, in a patch of ashen remains including a number of fire-corroded tools and pieces of metalworking equipment, was a piece of what appears to be work-in-progress wrought iron.  It was quite heavy, with two parallel curved rails of quarter-inch iron rod, with letters cut out of iron plate and welded on.  The letters showed the legend, “WIRK MEKS”.  We also found a loose letter F among the ruins.  The members of the set of squads which was searching the ruins contained a few linguists and scholars of English, who gravitated towards this exhibit.  They speculated wildly on what the legend might mean, but it is quite plain to me: the smith who made it just could not spell.  I have decided to keep it, but I have not decided what will be done with it. 

            We took about 1500 prisoners.  We are still processing them.  We have not discovered much so far that can be relied on, but we do know what happened to the burns victims who came out of “The Kettle”: their leader (who is called Spalding) left them in Hardboard City and they were blown to bits during the bombardment. 

            Accommodating these prisoners is not easy.  I did consider issuing the order to massacre all of them, but it was so obvious to me that this would be rejected that I kept my peace.  They are now being kept in two large pits lined with duckboards, one containing the sick and wounded, and the other containing the very sick.  Twice a day, they file out up a ramp, and are held at gunpoint while the inside of each pit is sprayed with bleach.  The stench of chlorine is evocative of the recent battle.  They get soup and bread at 08:00,  13:00 and 18:00, and water at 10:00, 15:00 and 20:00.  We have given them each a blanket, which I have told them will have to last them a week before it is changed, and we cover the pits with canvas at night.

            I have put Violet in charge of cataloguing and interrogating the prisoners. 

            Some of the army has already started to demobilise, but there is still work to be done in mopping-up around Hardboard City and on I-2 and I-13.  A detachment of Gurkhas has been sent to both the other islands.  The remaining regulars are still on I-3, and are being split between the mopping-up and looking after the prisoners. 

            There will be another meeting of the Assembly when the war is finally over, which I hope will be within three months at the very outside.

*

One of the Butterflies (a heavily re-modelled Cindy with a savage haircut) came back with the skin on her face and her arm cut down to the carbon-fibre frame.  I think it was due to shrapnel from a rocket-propelled grenade.  I managed to conceal the damage with bandages before any-one on our side had seen it.  It would not have been the end of the world if people had found out she was an android, but it suited me to keep it secret a bit longer. 

            I have sent the remodelled Kyla (Katya) and Layla (Liliya) to accompany each of the Gurkha detachments who are going to the previously-occupied islands.  I have given both of them the image of the man who killed Rosalind. 

            I am staying here to finish processing the prisoners.  I am singularly well-suited to do it, because they can throw up and piss and shit themselves as many times as they like, but I don’t get infected.  I can also scan their insides with ultrasound to find out how much up-chuck they have the potential to spew.

            If the prisoner has severe sickness and diarrhoea, I strip him, chuck his clothes in the incinerator, and stand him on a thing that looks like a cattle grid which is over a pit full of quicklime.  I photograph him and interrogate him from there.  Most of them have been co-operative up to now, but I have not processed the leaders yet.  They are being held separately and are under physical restraint to prevent them from harming themselves.  They have all been searched, very thoroughly.  I need to build up more of a general intelligence picture before I start on the ones who are likely to lie the most. 

            I have moved Horace out of his little fridge, and he is now implanted in my uterus and gestating.  I have not yet decided when to tell Kelvin that he is going to be a father. 

*

I had to take a very long route back to headquarters after being sent back by Colonel Gurung with a report for His Majesty.  This was because of a number of enemy soldiers who were leaving the battle area in small groups.  By the time I did get back, I found that the order to advance had already been given, and so I chased after the advancing line.  By the time I re-joined them, it was almost over.  I was very upset at first, but then I discovered what His Majesty might call “an isolated pocket of resistance”, and I killed two enemy men, one with my rifle and one with my kukri. 

            I was very happy to be once again in the vicinity of His Majesty, who seemed tired after the battle, but in complete good health.    I wish I had been with him when he ordered the advance.  Perhaps there will be other engagements.

*

I have just heard that the fighting on I-3 is over, and Kelvin has come through it alive.  I can’t wait to see him again.  Thank goodness all this horrible violence is nearly over.  I just want life to get back to normal.  I want to tell Kelvin how I feel about him.  I think he and I should go away somewhere together, and be on our own for a while.  I know he is difficult to communicate with, but I am sure I can get through to him this time.  Long walks, meals eaten when ravenous, drinks drunk when parched, a tent, a starry sky, no distractions – these are the things we need.  

*

I have just heard that the battle is over, and Kelvin is unscathed.  I had hoped for a little flesh-wound or something, possibly with a tiny scar on his forehead.  That would have made a fantastic spread of pictures.  Nothing life-threatening or disfiguring – god forbid – but just enough to need bandages and possibly two or three stitches.  Anyway, he is alive and that is just what we need.  I will try to get another interview with him straight away.  I hear they are in the process of closing down the army, but I want to get a few more shots of him in uniform.  Circulation has never been higher.  The upsurge must be because of the war, of course.  I must find out what he is planning to do next, and try to make it sound as mysterious and as exciting as possible. 

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The Companion: Part 37

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Edited by William Justin Thirsk-Gaskill, Monday, 17 Jan 2011, 09:39

            ‘Kelvin, this is Violet.  Kelvin, this is Violet.’

            ‘What?’  I could hear his voice through his own ears.  The satellite link imposed a delay of just over a second. 

            ‘This is Violet.  You are not going mad.  I’m communicating with you via satellite.  You have implants in your head which mean that you can hear what I am saying.  Do you understand?’

            ‘No.  It does feel as if I am going mad.’

            ‘Can you hear me?’

            ‘No.’

            ‘Can you not hear me?’

            ‘No.’

            ‘Can you say anything other than “no”?’

            ‘Yes.  But I still think I’m going mad. How do I know this is Violet?  Where have you been?’

            ‘I was Pamela.’

            ‘Ah.  That explains a great deal.’

            ‘We are wasting time.  Kelvin, I need you to do what you do best.  I need you to absorb a lot of confusing information in a very short time.  I am tuned in to the satellite network and I know that our planet has been invaded by some kind of terrorist agency.  We are under attack.  Do you understand?’

            ‘I understand.  Execute Plan K-13.’

            ‘Plan K-13?’

            ‘Yes, definitely.  This is exactly the event it is designed to deal with.  Do you know if they are American?’

            ‘We know next to nothing about them at the moment, other than they have no compuction about killing innocent people.  We will initiate Plan K-13.  Kelvin?’

            ‘What?’

            ‘This is Violet.’

            ‘I know.’

            ‘I’m here.’

            ‘Yes.’

            ‘I followed you.’

            ‘I knew you would.’

            ‘How?’

            ‘Love.  Do you love me?’

            ‘You know I do.  Do you love me?’

            ‘Yes.  Yes, I do.  I always have.’

            ‘You tried to leave me.’

            ‘I know.  It was a terrible mistake.’

            ‘But you did it again.  You’re doing it now.  You always leave me.’

            ‘No, I don’t.  I have not left you: I’m coming home.  I’ll be home as soon as possible.’

            ‘If you try to leave me again, I’ll kill you.’

            ‘I know.’

            ‘Very slowly.’ 

            ‘I know.  I don’t want us to be separated again.  I want us to be together.’

            ‘Kelvin, where are  you?’  I was only taking the sound stream, not the visual, to save bandwidth. 

            ‘I am on I-2.’

            ‘Kelvin, that means you are on the same island as the site of the attack.  Just let me work out exactly where you are.’   I worked out Kelvin’s position by using the global positioning system.  ‘Do you know if they have any aircraft on I-13?’

            ‘A few, I think.’

            ‘Who runs the place?’

            ‘Kerr McLean.  It’s Kerr McLean’s personal fiefdom.’

            ‘OK.  I’ll see if I can get him to send a plane.  Are you somewhere on the side of a mountain?  GPS is telling me that you’re about 2000 metres above sea level.’

            ‘Yes, I’m inspecting a zinc mine.’

            ‘A zinc mine?’

            ‘Yes, a zinc mine.  That’s a deep hole in the ground from which we obtain zinc.  The ore is very rich.’

            ‘Is a zinc mine important?  More important than me?’

            ‘Important, yes.  Zinc is a strategic raw material.’

            ‘Kelvin, will you kindly get yourself to a location suitable for a light aircraft to make a landing, preferably where I can still find you by GPS, without revealing yourself to the enemy, and without getting killed or captured.’

            ‘Yes, of course. Er, Violet?’

            ‘Yes, what is it you stupid, unreliable, gallivanting, truant, tosser?’

            ‘I’m sorry.’  I cut the broadcast. 

            Plan K-13 meant total war.    The name was thought up by Kelvin himself.  Plans A-1 to K-12 don’t exist: he devised it deliberately to sound silly. 

*

Wolf and I took a platoon of men on a patrol, and left the rest to forage for food and fuel in the settlement that we had attacked. 

            We walked up the path to a two-storey wooden house, painted white, with a green front door.  Wolf said that he might make the building into his headquarters.  The door was unlocked.  We walked along a passage and into a kitchen.  An old man with white hair and spectacles was sitting, reading a book.  He looked up at us in alarm.

            ‘Name,’ said Wolf.  The man did not answer.  He just jabbered incoherently.  ‘Name!’ he demanded.

            ‘Arthur Cresswell,’ the man stammered eventually, in a whisper.  His speech was as quiet as the rustling of dry leaves. 

            ‘I am taking over this house as my headquarters.  Who else used to live here?’

            ‘My wife.’

            ‘Where is she?’

            ‘She’s out.’

            ‘Where is she and what is she doing?’

            ‘She went to the pub to give out some leaflets.’

            ‘The pub.  Was that a ramshackle building with a sign over it which said O’Mally’s.’

            ‘Yes.’

            ‘Aha.  I have some sad news for you, Arthur Cresswell.  One of my helicopters fired a rocket into that building and blew it to smithereens.  Your wife is dead.’  The prisoner started crying.  ‘Are there any other settlements on this island?’

            ‘No.’

            ‘Where is the nearest other inhabited island?’

            ‘About 300 kilometres to the north.’

            ‘What is its name.’

            ‘It doesn’t have a name.’

            ‘What?  You’re lying.  Why are you trying to conceal information from me?’  Wolf slapped the man across the face.  His spectacles flew off, and landed on the tiled floor. 

            ‘It’s true.  It’s true.’  Wolf grabbed the man’s hair and looked into his eyes.  He was satisfied.  The interrogation over, Wolf pulled the man’s chair out from the table and punched him twice in the chest as he sat.  He seemed pleased by the contortions of the man’s reddening face. 

            ‘Take him outside and hang him, in as prominent a location as possible,’ he ordered.  I told one of the men to look around for some rope. 

*

It took me three days to get home, by making island hops in a two-seater aircraft of colonial manufacture. 

            We held a meeting.  We asked for as many people as possible to appear in person, and the meeting was broadcast via satellite to the other colonies.  We did not have a building big enough to hold everybody, and so we held the meeting outdoors.  Near the town is a limestone scar where there is some shelter from the wind and we thought the acoustics would be better.  We set up a stage and a microphone. 

            Despite the threat of conflict and the news of the deaths of some of my fellow colonists,  I could not help feeling pleasure at seeing so many of my fellow colonists, in all their eccentric variety.  Children with braided hair and hand-knitted jumpers ran around and played at the back of the crowd.  People sat on blankets, took food out of capacious hampers, and swigged bottles of beer or drank from flasks of tea.  Except for the cold weather, the atmosphere was more like a music festival than a political meeting. 

            I opened the meeting.  Prudence Tadlow was the chairwoman.  She had on her work clothes: overalls, boots and utility-belt. 

            ‘The news from I-2 is that we have been invaded, and it is now our task to organise ourselves for the defence of our selves, our children, and our way of life.  That defence must not fail.

            ‘We have been taken by surprise, but I should impress upon you that the enemy is only entitled to expect surprise to confer a momentary advantage.  Our actions now must demonstrate that that momentary advantage is over.

            ‘We have no excuse for not winning this conflict.  We control every economic asset on the planet.  We do not know how many men the invaders have, but I expect to beat them, and I expect that victory to be won quite quickly.  In man and womanpower, food and supplies, in intelligence and, I believe, in military organisation and the will to win – we outclass the enemy. 

            ‘Our stated aim is the total destruction of the enemy’s capacity for armed resistance, to the point where he can no longer do harm to any one of us, ever again.  Our strategy will be based on three principles:

            ‘One.  The enemy must be deprived of food, water and sustenance at every opportunity.  We will continue to eat and drink but he must starve and thirst.

            ‘Two.  Every engagement must inflict more casualties on the enemy than ourselves.  We must emerge from this ordeal with the generative power of our community still intact.  We will take no prisoners and will attempt swiftly to rescue any of ourselves who are taken prisoner if it is possible to do so.  Members of the community who cannot fight must be kept as far from the enemy as possible.

            ‘Three.  We must make the best possible use of all resources, including any material we can capture from the enemy, to increase the effectiveness of our attacks.

            ‘We have just a few hours in which to organise all this.  I understand that there are many things that you will want to discuss but, I urge you, please be brief and swift.  Right now, I expect that the invaders are ransacking another town and, if any-one is unfortunate enough not to have been able to flee, they will be raped, tortured and murdered.  This is not an intellectual exercise: what we are trying to arrange for is the systematic ending of rape, torture, and murder – not any abstract ideal.

            ‘Have we all got that?’  No-one spoke.  A few people nodded.  Most of them looked blank.  I started to feel worried, but did my utmost not to show it.

            I offered for a series of three-minute speeches by people from the floor of the meeting, on the basis that the meeting could vote after each one on whether to allow the last speaker an extension.  Most of these speeches were tedious, poorly-expressed, incoherent and without incident.  The last person to speak was a woman who gave her name as Moonflower.  Towards the end of her three minutes, she uttered the words I had been dreading.

            ‘When the conflict is over, we will still have to live on the same planet as these people.’  I had to interrupt.

            ‘No, we won’t.  This is our planet, not theirs.  Make no mistake – there are only two possible outcomes of this war: the extinction of the invaders, or the extinction of our way of life.  If I could make it less unpleasant, I would, but I can’t.’   Moonflower looked at me with shocked bewilderment.  I had felt vulnerable.  I looked round the assembly with a questioning gaze.  There was an uneasy silence.  Some people looked at me.  Others looked at Moonflower.  Most of them looked at the ground.

            ‘The invaders must be defeated,’ I pronounced, slightly too loudly, so that the word be thumped out of the loudspeakers like the sound of a bass drum.  ‘The only thing that can bring about that defeat is ourselves.  What is it to be?’

            ‘Shall we take a vote on it?’ asked Prudence, off-microphone, so that only those on or near the stage heard her.  I handed the microphone to Prudence and was relieved that Moonflower did not protest.

            ‘What is the actual motion we are voting on?’ somebody shouted at Prudence from near the front of the assembly.  A hubbub  then began.  People began climbing onto the stage and bombarding me with questions.  I tried to answer them as pleasantly and politely as I could.  I was trying to move towards Prudence so that between us we could call the meeting back to order.  A sudden wall of bodies impeded me.

            ‘Call a recess!’ I shouted to her.  ‘Call a recess and then I’ll present the motion.’

            ‘We will have a recess for one hour, after which Kelvin Stark will put forward the motion, and then we’ll vote.  Can we clear the stage please?’

            People went into the tent which had been pitched nearby and emerged with bowls of soup and hunks of bread.  A brief shower of rain fell, but never looked like disrupting the meeting.  I wandered to a quiet spot under the shelter of an over-hanging rock and sat down with a notebook and a pen to prepare my speech.

            I had stopped writing, but was still deep in thought when Prudence sent somebody to fetch me. 

            I had entitled the motion The Defence of Civil Society Bill.  It contained the following clauses.

1.                            A position of Commander-in-Chief will be established for the duration of the war.  The holder of this position will stay in post until incapacitated or dead.  The first holder of the position will be Kelvin Stark. 

2.                            The C-in-C will have the power to:

a.       Arrange the economy for the war effort including the requisitioning of labour and the supply of food;

b.      Recruit and disband troop formations; promote and demote officers; train, equip, deploy and command forces;

c.       Control the broadcasting of information and the use of propaganda;

d.      Nominate a list of successors to be approved by the Assembly;

e.       Select and dismiss members of the Cabinet without approval (see clause 3).

3.                            A Cabinet will be selected by the C-in-C to manage the departments of government for the duration of the war.  The Cabinet will advise the C-in-C but he will have the final say in all things, including military and economic strategy and tactics, the formulation of surrender terms, and the definition of what constitutes victory.

4.                            The C-in-C will himself be a member of the armed forces and will, at such times as he considers necessary, take part in training exercises and offensive operations.

 

            I stood up to the microphone and prepared to have myself declared the military ruler of Achird-gamma.

            The ensuing debate lasted for over two hours, and a windy afternoon was beginning to turn into a chilly evening by the time we had finished.  Most of the questions directed at me were along the lines of “How will we be able to get rid of you when the war is over?”  This was exactly the one that I would have asked myself, and I was glad to discuss it.  My principal interlocutor was Professor Timothy Gonzales. 

            ‘Dr Stark, are you familiar with the quotation that power corrupts, and absolute power corrupts absolutely?’

            ‘I am indeed, Professor.’

            ‘And how do you propose to prevent yourself from being corrupted?’

            ‘By not being in power for long enough.  We have a job to do.  My job is not to oppress you.’  I motioned in a wide arc to indicate those assembled.  ‘My job is to organise our defence and to remove the menace that now threatens us.  Every ounce of our resources will be directed against that menace; not against our own people.’

            ‘I see.  And how transparent will your government be?’

            ‘Transparency will be something that I will use where I think it will help to instil confidence, but not something that I will employ generally. ’

            ‘Not?’

            ‘No.’

            ‘How can you justify that?’

            ‘Napoleon Bonaparte said that the moral is to the material as three is to one.  Many of our people have no military training or experience of what it is like to be in the heat of a life-or-death battle.  The best available information that we have so far suggests that, although the enemy is numerous, we outnumber him at least four or five to one.  Since we also control the economy of virtually the entire planet, we have – or should have – overwhelming strategic advantages.  The one area in which we remain to be tested is resolve.  I hope that there are men and women among us who can equal me in that resolve, but I guarantee you that nobody can surpass me in it.  The enemy cannot win this war: we can only lose it for him, if we allow our fear of his violence and vindictiveness to weaken our resolve.  In the cause of maintaining and strengthening that resolve, I will let people know what I think it is in their interests to know.  This is one of the essential features of war.’

            ‘Mm.  Reluctantly, I think I am forced to agree with you. So how would we get rid of you in the end?’

            ‘If we are victorious?’

            ‘If we are victorious.’

            ‘We will have another Assembly, and I will step down.’

            ‘What if you decided not to?’

            ‘The Assembly can repeal the law by which the position of Commander-in-Chief was created.’

            ‘And what if you still refuse to go?’

            ‘You can shoot me.’

            Everybody laughed.  They laughed so hard, in fact, that order was lost for some minutes and I was annoyed.  I was annoyed because I had been in deadly earnest when I had said You can shoot me.

When everybody did stop laughing, and Prudence finally managed to re-unite the score of small meetings that had broken out among those assembled, Professor Gonzales spoke again.

            ‘I have one final comment.’

            ‘And that is?’ I asked.

            ‘There is a special name for the kind of government that you are proposing.’

            ‘What would you call it?’

            ‘Monarchy.’  I was momentarily stunned.  It was the last word that I had been expecting the Professor to utter.  I had feared rather that he would say military dictatorship or fascist junta.

            ‘Long live King Kelvin the First!’ shouted somebody from further back, in a refined public-school accent. There was laughter again, less raucous and long-lasting than before.

            ‘Madam Chairman, I propose an amendment to the Bill, to replace the title Commander-in-Chief with King.’

            ‘Are there any other amendments?’ asked Prudence, after taking the microphone.  There was a buzz of conversation, but nobody raised a hand or spoke up.

            ‘Doctor Stark, do you accept the amendment from Professor Gonzales?’  I did not know what to say.  I just shrugged.  ‘I’ll take that as a yes,’ said Prudence.  Prudence, who was now holding the paper that I had written during the recess, read it out in its entirety, substituting King for every instance of Commander-in-Chief

            The Assembly moved to the vote.  Once those case via the satellite link had been added to the votes of those present at the Assembly, there were 46401 votes in favour, 282 against, and 196 abstentions.  I had the overwhelming support of the Assembly and was now the King of Achird-gamma.

            The meeting broke up.  Prudence, the only other person left on the stage, came over to me and, taking me completely by surprise kissed me lingeringly on the lips.    

            ‘I’ve never met a real, live King before,’ she observed, and then curtsied (very gracefully and competently) and giggled.  I had never seen some-one attempt a curtsy while wearing a utility belt.

*

Kelvin is king.  The Cerise Vallance stable of magazines is about to get a new title.  It will be called Royal Flush.  The banner will feature an image of Kelvin as a playing card: the King of Hearts.

 

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The Companion: Part 31

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There are times when I wonder if Anna really exists.  She wants to use the new spa that Pamela and I have opened as a knocking-shop.  I invited her to a meeting so that the three of us could talk about it, but she said that she only wanted to talk about it over the phone.

            We did talk about it over the phone, eventually.  I tried to make a joke about using the art screen in the reception area to display Picasso’s Les Desmoiselles D’Avignon, but she seemed to think I was serious.  She said, ‘I know it is your favourite painting, but I don’t think it would be appropriate in that setting.’  How did she know that?  I can’t remember mentioning it to any-one on the ship.  The last time I had a conversation about Picasso, it was years ago, on a trip to London with Violet.

            For reasons that I am not in a position to discuss at the moment, I have been having detailed discussions with some of the ship’s military people recently.  I have invited some of them to the opening of the spa.  Most of Anna’s ladies will be there, Pamela tells me.  I hope everybody will conduct him or her self in keeping with decorum. 

*

I must admit that I experience a certain frisson whenever Kelvin calls or emails Anna when he and Pamela are in the same room. 

            Kelvin has started a campaign recently, the details of which I can’t divulge at the moment, which means that I find it advantageous to earn as much money as possible.  This is why Anna suggested broadening the range of services on offer at the new spa.  Kelvin does not seem keen on this idea – what a hypocrite. 

            I have also been feverishly busy in my scientific research.  I have been making some enhancements, but not to myself: to Rosalind.  I have been doing experiments for some time now, and have finally had a breakthrough.  I have invented a device for reading the signal from a nerve, reproducing it, and broadcasting it, all without interfering with the original signal.  I made them partly by using my tunnelling electron-microscope.  As well as looking at atoms and molecules, it can also pick them up and manipulate them.  When I receive these signals, I can interpret them to turn them back into images and sound.

            I have planted these devices in both Rosalind’s optic nerves and aural nerves.  I did this in stages, making sure each time that the nerve was still working.  I did not want her to go blind or deaf.

            Rosalind makes quite a good observer, because she belongs to a species which is hunted, and so she has all-round vision (but of course she can only see in black and white).  I can switch on both her eyes and ears and sense internally what she is sensing. 

            This, of course, was not my main objective.  This was vivisection in the cause of reproducing the same procedures on Kelvin.  Kelvin will get a further modification: the devices I am going to implant in him will be two-way: I will be able to make him see and hear things, should I so choose.  I am sure this will come in very handy, one day.

            The problem is to work out how I can perform quite invasive surgery on Kelvin without his realising what it is for.  Among other things, I will have to take both his eyeballs out.  They are beautiful (mostly grey, but the kind that change colour from one day to the next) and I want to put them back properly.  When he comes round from the anaesthetic, he must be completely unsuspecting about what I have done to him. 

            I am thinking this as I look at Kelvin across the reception area of our new spa.  Kelvin and Pamela are here as the hosts, in our brand new, white, towelling dressing gowns and flip-flops.  Kelvin has brought out a very light and fragrant beer in honour of the occasion, which he calls Space Hopper.  Most of the guests are drinking sparkling wine, but Kelvin sticks resolutely to his own produce.  We splashed out for some of the good stuff (brought from Earth rather than made from the ship’s own grapes).  It is eye-wateringly expensive, but we are quite well-off now.  The birch panelling for the changing-rooms and the slate for the wet rooms was also very dear, but worth it – and it will all be re-cycleable after we land.  

            Cerise Vallance is here, with an entourage even bigger than usual.  She was politely instructed to leave her camera and all recording equipment except a notebook and pen in the reception area.  Jessica Springer and Emile Bourdelle are talking to Patrick Fitzgerald and Cecily Johnson.  At least, Emile is talking to them.  Jessica is nodding frantically and trying to keep up with the conversation, which is about freedom, the individual, and the State, and their relationship to artistic expression in a democratic society.

            Partly to bump up the numbers, and partly for a laugh, I have enhanced some of my simulacra so that they can hold a kind of conversation without needing to be under my control.  They still have no real intelligence, but I have programmed them with what is in fact a much more sophisticated version of an antique computer algorithm called Eliza.  Eliza was the first of the line of chat-bots which used to be fashionable, and first appeared in the 1960s.  It ran on an old-fashioned mainframe computer, and you communicated with it by typing on the keyboard.  It analysed what you had said, one sentence at a time, tried to locate the keyword, if possible, and responded with something that sounded vaguely like a Rogerian psychotherapist. 

            To make it more interesting (and remunerative) I have programmed each of Anna’s ladies to prostitute herself to the men at the gathering.  I doubt if any of them have got any money on them, but Anna can always collect later.  

            I am just sidling over to where Kayla is talking to James Holt.  I did not think he would be able to make it, but here he is. 

            ‘Er.  So.  What did you do back on Earth – before we set off?’

            ‘My dad was American.  I was born in Hawaii.’

            ‘Er.  I see.  But what did you do for a living?’

            ‘I was half-American.  Just like I am now.’

            ‘But, surely, you didn’t make a living out of that?’

            ‘Are you saying that I’m not living?’

            ‘Not at all.  You are clearly very much alive.’

            ‘Yes, I am.  I want to live.  I want to live.  I want to live.’

            ‘Er…’

            ‘When I’m twenty-one, I have to decide on my citizenship.’

            ‘I’m beg your pardon?’

            ‘I have to decide whether I want UK or US citizenship.’

            ‘But there won’t be a United Kingdom or a United States on the new planet.’

            ‘Are you challenging my right to citizenship?’

            ‘No, no.  Not at all.  Not a bit of it.’

            ‘You don’t want a bit of it?’

            ‘Er…’

            ‘We could go upstairs if you like.’  She begins gently to stroke  his arm with her index finger.  Poor Doctor Holt.  

            Next is Layla. She is with a short, stocky, red-haired man called Andrew Downing, who on Earth was an officer in the British Army.

            ‘You’re really my type of girl.  Do you know that?’

            ‘It’s four sovereigns.’

            ‘Pardon?’

            ‘For a fuck.  Four sovereigns.  One for a hand-job; two for a blow-job without CIM or face-cream; three for a messy blow-job; four for a fuck.  If you want anal or any extras, you would be better talking to Angel.’

            ‘Please excuse me.  I’m just going for an other drink.’

            Layla can be a little over-zealous sometimes.

            Here we have another soldier.  He is nearly seven feet tall, has muscles like coiled pythons,  and his head looks like a turnip.  His name is Brian McCann.  He looks bored.  Angel is talking to him.  She is blonde, petite, with delicate features, and an intelligent and impish expression.

            ‘Are you big all over?’

            ‘Er.  I suppose so.’

            ‘In every department?’

            ‘Er…’

            ‘What I mean is, are you well-endowed?’

            ‘Do you mean…’

            ‘Yes, your cock.  Do you have a huge cock?’

            ‘Er…’

            ‘Can I measure it when it’s erect?’

            ‘No.’

            ‘For length and girth?  I’ve got a tape measure in my bag.’

            ‘No.’

            ‘No to length, no to girth, or no to both?’

            ‘No to both.’

            ‘You are unreasonable.  Do you know that?’

            That’s my girl.  I was cheating there.  Part of that conversation was authored directly by me.  Now for Olivia.  She is talking to the last of our army men, Ben Stewart.

            ‘What did you used to do, back on Earth?’

            ‘I was a bomb-disposal expert.’

            ‘Oh, you brave, brave boy.  Did you face death every day?’

            ‘Every weekday, yes.  I didn’t have to face death at the weekend unless I was on overtime.’

            ‘What did you used to think of, at the moments when you thought you might be going to die?’

            ‘Shagging, usually.’

            ‘What are you thinking about now?’

            ‘I am thinking that you remind me of a lady I used to know once in Hanover.  She was a gymnast.’

            ‘I’ve got quite flexible joints.  Would you like to see me demonstrate some moves?’

            Kelvin did not quite realise why, but we had spent some considerable time in building some hot tubs on the platform above which were each surrounded by a soundproof and vibration-proof enclosure.  Since we are running a high-class establishment, each tub will be completely emptied, scrubbed, and re-filled with clean water and new aromatics in between clients. 

            I gave one of the hot-tubs to Cerise Vallance and her hangers-on (all female).  You should have seen Cerise’s face at the moment when I told them it was ready.  Her minions all went wild, but she looked utterly repulsed.  I got a very good shot of her.  I don’t know why she did not just come clean and say she did not want to get in it. 

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The Companion: Part 15

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Edited by William Justin Thirsk-Gaskill, Tuesday, 7 Dec 2010, 23:26

My name is Cerise Vallance, and I am in a bad mood at the moment.  I have just had to ditch the name of my online publication.  I had called it My Lips Are Sealed, and I got some-one to do quite a stylish graphic of a Cupid’s bow mouth with a finger raised in front of it.  You know – as if saying ‘Shhh!’  The intention was to associate the product with the idea of secrecy and confidentiality.  I know that seems silly for a gossip-magazine, but the consuming public is like that: irrational.

            Anyway, I recently made an alarming discovery about the name.  I was trying to get an interview with Kelvin Stark.  I have been trying for months, and this time I thought I had cracked it.  I tracked him down to the laundromat, of all places. He had a machine on the go, and in he was in the middle of some ironing, and so I had him cornered.  I started to interview him, and he seemed more co-operative than  usual, but my pleasure quickly wore off because he would not stop sniggering in a way that I thought was surprisingly ill-mannered.  I broke off in the middle of a sentence.

            ‘Is anything the matter?’

            ‘Nothing; nothing; nothing.  Nothing at all.’  But he carried on sniggering.  I gave him a sideways look.  ‘Your e-paper is called My Lips Are Sealed, isn’t it?’

            ‘Yes, it is.  Why?’

            ‘Do you know that it has acquired an alternative title?’

            ‘No, I didn’t know that.  What is it?’

            ‘My Flaps Are Stuck Together.’  I must admit that it was difficult to go on with the interview after that, but I did my best to keep my composure.  I put a note in my diary to launch a competition among the readers to find a new name. 

            ‘Are you seeing any-one at the moment?’

            ‘You mean in the Biblical sense?’

            ‘Yes.’ 

            ‘No.’

            ‘No?’

            ‘No.’

            ‘No what?’

            ‘No, Ma’am.’

            ‘I mean: what you are saying is that you are not seeing any-one at the moment.’

            ‘Yes.  That is what I am saying.’

            ‘What about Prudence Tadlow?’

            ‘What about Prudence Tadlow?’

            ‘Are you seeing her?’

            ‘No.’

            ‘Have you seen her in the past?’

            ‘Yes.’

            ‘But you aren’t seeing her now.’

            ‘No.’

            ‘What happened?’

            ‘She finished with me.’ 

            ‘Why the hell.  Er.  Why did she do that?’

            ‘She said I had too much on my mind.  She said she believed that I was not serious about a relationship with her, because I was thinking about another woman.’

            ‘Another woman on the spaceship?’

            ‘No.  Another woman back on Earth.’

            ‘Who is she?’

            ‘I’m not telling you.’

            ‘Why not?’

            ‘It’s private.’

            That was all I got out of him.  I did not push him too hard because he seemed to have outgrown his habit of talking complete nonsense every time I asked him a question and I did not want him to revert to his silliness in future interviews.  I charge a small payment for my publication, and if I could get an interview with Kelvin at least once a month, it would double my circulation. 

            I sent Prudence an email summarising what Kelvin had said and asking her if it was true.  Her reply simply said, ‘Yes’, which was rude and uncalled-for but perfectly good for business.  PRUDE DUMPS KELVIN was the next edition’s headline, with a sub-head of She said he had mystery girlfriend back on Earth.  Circulation went up thirty per cent in one week. 

*

I have been Pamela Collins for over a year now, and I feel less comfortable in her skin now than I did when I first created her, back on Earth.  She is serving her purpose well enough, I suppose.  People look past her and through her as if she were one of those machines they had on Earth in railway stations and hospitals to clean the floor.  I think that is one of the reasons I decided to start the language classes: not just to have some kind of controlled contact with Kelvin, but to get some acknowledgment from my fellow passengers that I could do something that they could not do. 

            I am trying to select a science officer among the crew to cultivate.  I have been taking radiation readings since we set off, and they have been rising recently.  I would have taken some gravimetric readings to see what large masses were nearby, but the ship’s compensators would invalidate them.  All I can do is work out the relative intensity of different kinds of particle, to see if it suggests anything about the source.  I just want to make sure that the crew knows as much as I know, but without alerting them to how I found it out.  One idea would be to use my 3D-printer to make an array of particle-detectors, the point being that I would get into less trouble for being a human being who has smuggled a 3D-printer than for being an android.  Even so, this would take quite a long time.  I hope this phenomenon dies down.  It takes a lot more radiation to harm me than it does a human, but I don’t want Kelvin’s balls to lose their potency.  Horace may need a little sister some day. 

            I have seen Kelvin talking to a tall chap who I think is Chief Engineer Holt.  He might be worth getting to know.  

            If the first year we spent in this tin can was one of settling-in, the second year seems set to be one of frivolity and silliness.  According to the ship’s artificial, Earth-based calendar, in two weeks it will be Hallowe’en.  Somebody suggested that we have a party, and the idea has caused mass hysteria.  Pamela has been advertising a costume-making service (I fear for the new colony’s wardrobe: it seems that hardly any-one on this vessel can sew).  I have been cheating by embellishing the costumes with pieces made by the 3D-printer.  These are only made out of dye and plastic beads, and don’t take very long to finish.  So far, I have made ten zombies, eleven Frankenstein’s monsters, six Draculas, five wolf-men, nine demons, four Grim Reapers, three Phantoms of the Opera, and a mad scientist.  The mad scientist is for Kelvin, and is the only one of its kind I will make.  Apart from a lab-coat, which he already owned, and a mask with a wig, there is very little to it.  Most of the part will just be Kelvin acting naturally.

*

I have no idea who thought of this party idea, but I am claiming it was mine.  It is going to be great for my circulation.  I have decided to use it as an opportunity to re-launch the publication, and so I need to have decided on a new name by then.  There has been a trickle of suggestions coming in via the competition, but they have been disappointingly dull.  The name needs to have plenty of pizzazz, and it must be innuendo-proof.  All potential references to unwashed genitalia are strictly off-limits.  

            It is rumoured that Kelvin will be bringing out a Hallowe’en-themed beer for the party.  I must find out if that is true.  If it is, I might ask him if he wants me to promote it for him.  I am hoping for lots of drunken debauchery.  If I am lucky, Kelvin will get off with some-one new, and if I hit the jackpot, it will be some-one really good-looking who knows how to handle publicity.  

*

I wish that ridiculous Vallance woman would stop referring to me as “Prude” on her horrible website.  If she goes much further, I think Judge Fitzgerald may be hearing the ship’s first action for defamation.  

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