Part 6.
Cuthbert Dry-Monotone explores what writers of exciting and engaging non-fiction have in common with the best fiction-writers. In this episode, he is fortunate to be able to talk to the celebrated cookery writer and broadcaster, Nigella Lawson*.
[Nervously.] “Er…Er…I’m here with, um, Nigella…”
“Lawson, darling – Nigella Lawson.”
“Er, yes. Of course. Nigella Lawson.” [Trying to sound more confident.] “The eminent TV personality and food expert, Nigella Lawson. Now, er…, before we continue…”
“Yes, darling?”
[In subdued tones.] “I…er…I’ve been having a few problems recently.”
“Yes?”
“I must admit that I’m rather nervous about this interview.”
“Nervous, darling?”
“Yes. Very nervous.”
“Don’t worry, darling. I promise to be gentle with you.”
[Slightly off-mike.] “Oh god: it’s started already. What I am going to do?”
“Just relax, darling. Come and sit here. Now, what did you want to talk about?” [Pause.] “Now come on, darling. Don’t be shy.”
“Did the researchers speak to you before we started recording?”
“Of course, darling. They were simply sweet.”
“Ah, good. In that case, I was wondering if we could start by discussing how the idea of the ‘inciting incident’ – a concept from fiction writing – might apply to, for example, a TV cookery programme.”
“Well, it is all about creating excitement.”
“Yes?”
“About doing the unexpected.”
“Yes?”
“It’s all about passion.”
“Yes?”
“It’s about arousal.”
[Slightly off-mike.] “Oh, god.”
“Let’s take a simple kind of cuisine.”
“Yes? What cuisine?”
“Well, English food, for example.”
“Yes, that sounds a safe enough option.”
“Safe. Exactly, darling. Safe. Safe means boring…tedious…tired…worn-out…”
“Right.”
[Slightly off-mike.] “A bit like your clothes, darling. And a go with the iron wouldn’t hurt, either.”
“What?”
“English food. Let’s start with an ingredient in English dishes which is a bit boring.”
“Errr…”
“I know: a sausage.”
“Oh, god. This is worse than I thought.”
“In English cooking, we use sausages to make…what?”
[Mumbling.] “Toad-in-the-hole.”
“IN THE HOLE! That’s it, darling. Or hide-the-sausage, as I like to call it.” [Sound of a man whimpering.] “Now, the sausage needs to be excited and aroused. It needs some heat. What can we use to give it heat? A chilli. Look at this habañero chilli, darling.”
“Yes.”
“Look at its pinkish-red folds.” [Sound of more whimpering.] “Now, I am going to use the pinkish-red flesh of the chilli to arouse the sausage.” [Sound of heavy breathing.] “Just let me part the folds of the chilli…Now, the meat of the sausage is covered. We need to unzip it.” [Breathing gets heavier.] “Finally, let’s rub the moist flesh of the chilli on the naked and unzipped sausage.”
“AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHGGGGGGGGGGGGG! Call an ambulance, QUICK!”
* None of this is true. Any resemblance in this piece between the character depicted and the real Nigella Lawson is simply a product of our dirty minds.