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Day 225 of OU studies

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Edited by Casper Smith, Sunday, 16 May 2021, 21:26

Today has been a lonely existence, i have spent the last few days in my room, only going down stairs to cook dinner for my mum, do chores and attend to Kitten. I don't how to change the feeling of being outcasted, i have manged to really piss my mum off and that is part of the reason that i feel misplaced, i guess it's up to me to apologise and take a telling off. In the heat of an argument my mum told me that people in my family are still holding grudges for me displaying symptoms of metal illness and behaviours as a result of substance missus, which really put in to focus how my and why my family have been treating me the way they do, i am surrounded by people that judge while i fall, do nothing to help and point fingers in blame, all the while, this controversy over shadows any misgivings that any one else may occur and they go on to stand in the light as the model citizens. I will no longer be the fool guy and once i have removed myself from this situation the spotlight will cease to shine on me and maybe highlight the faults of all, i will not be around to say i told you so and they will live with their choices. I wonder who will be the fall guy then and i wonder if people will start to look inwards instead of shifting the blame to an outward source. No more bitter feelings, no more feelings of regret, no more vacant feelings of longing for for an existence that will never be validated. No more blind loyalty and more feeling inadequate because of someone's inability to grasp the concept of resistibility.



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Day 224 of OU studies

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Edited by Casper Smith, Sunday, 16 May 2021, 20:58

After a painful three days i have decided that it is time for me to part company from my family, regardless of the out come of my court case i will be looking to moving to a different location and looking to a start of life without the people who are responsible for my mental health disorders and triggers, which are making it very hard to move forward and leave my past behind and in fact deal with the symptoms of my mental health disorders.

No validation, understanding, recognition or acknowledgment for my symptoms or triggers just blame and punishment for displaying symptoms. I am tired of being the black sheep, i am tired of only being recognised for the mistakes i make with no acknowledgment of any good that i do and i am tired of watching my family and the favoured treatment of putting one above the other, literally putting price tags on peoples heads. 

In 2008 my uncle (mothers brother) won £20,000,000 on the lottery and that is exactly what has happened, people that really needed help in my family received nothing and yet the ones in my family that turned to be a regret of my uncles generosity received help beyond their wildest imagination. This favouritism was only highlight during this process leaving it plain to see as is carries on to this day, i need to remove myself from this situation and protect myself against the laws of a family that does what it wants to who it wants whenever they feel like it with no thought to the thought's and feelings of any one else involved. 

People like myself who are up against false allegations and stand to loose all i have received no help or support what so ever, yet murderers in my family are supported and justified to the point they receive hundreds of thousands for legal bills and a £2000,000 house on his release from prison.

As you can imagine it is hard to live amongst a family with dynamics like this and function properly and if you speak up about it I'm screamed at to keep quiet. Well, it's on the basis of this that tells me i have to get away from the toxicity and build a life that will not be impacted by the negative influence of people that trick me by telling me they love me.



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C J

Day 221 of OU studies

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Edited by Casper Smith, Wednesday, 12 May 2021, 20:35

Well, having just this minute waking up after a mammoth sleep, i am feeling like i have been cleansed of any over whelming stressful thoughts, the mind and body tells me i need rest however i ignore them both right up until they both just shut down because they can not take anymore. Also it's like I am still rebelling against the forces of my past life that told me "you have to do this right now" "you have to be alert and awake 24/7 and expect the unexpected at all times and be willing to do whatever it takes for who ever chose to control me at the time" which would normally be some kind of criminal drama or having to work all the hours god sends "for next to nothing" to support some scam or family business venture, and its like I'm still saying "fcuk you I can do what I want when I want" "you don't control me no more" I guess I'm still trying to find that balance? 

Sometimes the feeling of not being under the spell of somebodies ulterior motives and agenda can be overwhelming to the point i literally do not know what to do with myself, after spending a lifetime being captive to the wants, wishes and demands of people who were hiding under the guise of family being emotionally dragged in any and every direction can take me away from the belief that it is me who is in control of my life now and not the emotional manipulators that tricked me in the past, just because i was willing to sink with the ship that was my family does not meant i should have to or be made to bad if choose not.

I am not really a fan of israel although they have a system called "kibbutz" and "Moshav" and part of their idealist system of living would mean that children would grow up in the company of uncles and aunties and other members of the community instead of their birth parents, and this is the part i like, which takes away any abuse from parents to children and i mean the kind of abuse that is never mentioned in any news article because generally people are not aware that this type of abuse even exists or would even admit that they their selves have abused their children in this way, with emotional manipulation, black male, bribery, favouritism, slave labour just to name a few, sometimes when i am walking the streets i constantly see adults literally dragging their child while screaming threats of all the above mentioned, while reminding them if they don't shut they will face consequences or if they shut up they will receive this that or the other i really do doubt that these are the same parents that would not think of treating an adult like that. It has been proven that when children are taken away from that environment that the children grow to be ,ore rounded and developed humans.

I don't provide links anymore and i do not know the way to the nearest library.



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C J

Day 219 of OU studies

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Edited by Casper Smith, Monday, 7 Jun 2021, 09:32

Totally vacant today, after a weekend of pounding headaches, unable to get rid of certain thoughts and no matter what or how i tried i always seemed to come back to the same negative thought. Even medication would not take the pain away and then as easy as it came, it left. 

I had to take Kitten to the vet earlier today, as i woke up I kept seeing vomit in different places, runny doings in her litter tray and several other places, she was sneezing a lot and panting, i first thought that she may of ingested some ant killer that i put down in the garden so took her straight to the vet. Luckily he said if she had eaten poison it would be clearly visible interns of being unable to walk properly, big dilated pupils, dribbling and trembling, so the relief was immense. 

I don't treat animals who live with me like most of the general public, i don't call them pets as they are a part of my family and i never humanise an animal, if anything i will animalise myself to bring myself to their level, no koochy koos and jumpers to wear while being fed pizza. They are an animal and will be treated like an animal with focus on me as pack leader, any one who tells you that a cat cant be trained and that they do as they want are the kind of people who make animals wear jumpers and feed them pizza and quite honestly struggle to control their selves never mind an animal.

The vet gave her an injection for the vomiting  and a leaflet for an out of hours vet in case anything happened during the night, thankfully nothing did happen and grateful for the vet who made her feel better and put my mind at ease, also grateful for tiled floors, ive had a word with Kitten and told her she is not to go out anymore and she seems to be fine with that.



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Day 218 of OU studies

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Edited by Casper Smith, Sunday, 9 May 2021, 15:29

Formula 1 Grand Prix, British Touring Car Championship, apart from taking in part of some kind of racing today is a perfect Sunday for me, this is what Sundays were made for, it certainly reminds me of weekends away all over Europe either racing BMX or Karts. Once i am found not guilty at court i will defiantly be putting my camper and BMX to some good use and get traveling Europe again and getting in to some kind of racing, it almost sounds perfect an then i think of my my nerve condition, well then, maybe not the taking part in racing, i can just hook up with the new generations of racers.

A hobby would be nice, a reason to leave the house at the weekends and concentrate on something more important than the charlatans destroying life as we know it, things can get a bit depressing when the tv and newspapers are the main focus of life, the world will still turn if tune out and let them get on with it, i would be silly to think that letting their poison in to my brain will change anything. My cousins son races MX and i have been invited to travel to Spain and watch him race, so i think i will be having me a slice of that pie.

I tried to get on with the assembly of my shed on my own, only to slip and a cut my left under arm, admitting that i can no longer do the physical things i used to is a hard pill to swallow, when will admit defeat and just accept it, it's so hard to see things that could be done, knowing that my capabilities are very much limited, it's like my head is trying to convince my body to do things that it cant do.

Happy Sunday folks.



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C J

Day 217 of OU studies

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Edited by Casper Smith, Sunday, 9 May 2021, 15:28

It's good to see the poorer classes debating the voting system and thrashing it out among their selves over what chosen corrupt capitalist puppet will govern GB LTD next, sadly i believe we are to poor and naïve to believe that ticking a piece of paper actually gives people a voice, unless your are related to dupont, leonard blavatnik, david reuban, simon reuban, gopi hinduja branson, dyson, suger or any other scavenger, gay, trans, black or anything else that is covered by the governments agenda of political correctness, then i hate to break it to you folks, your beliefs, wants, needs, opinion, rights, liberties and efforts are in vane and will only serve to heighten the debate over the next chosen country governor's, while this takes place you will remain poor while rich get richer, hey but at least you have an opinion based on what the tv and news paper tell you and i guess that's what is important right. I have donated my right to have or not to have a vaccine to the now poorer countries in the world that the empire has robbed raped and pillaged, over a period of centuries, as part of political correctness, you may refer to these countries as "developing countries". My life would be over if i had to rely on corrupt officials to know how to act, behave, speak, think or feel, and i feel pity for the victims of those oversized egos who gave up the freedom to think, feel, behave, speak and act independently, based on the natural senses of human kind. Nobody choose to eat from foodbanks, that's just a result of the classes egos believing in their own narcissism, while sheepishly walking their selves to the slaughter and dragging the really poor people with them, but wait, i forgot, boris read your piece of paper with a tick on and he will rescue you and act on your behalf, just for you. If the greatest thinkers of all time lived hundreds and thousands of years before google, ai and smart then what makes you think that google will help you?

Government comes from the term govern. From Old French governer, derived from Latin gubernare "to direct, rule, guide, govern", which is derived from the Greek kybernan (to pilot a ship). ... There is precedent that the suffix -ment is derived from the latin mente meaning mind in some languages, particularly Old French.



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C J

Day 216 of OU studies

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Edited by Casper Smith, Saturday, 8 May 2021, 14:19
I have taken advantage of the sunshine and carried on assembling the shed, all the walls are up and half the roof is on, once the whole roof is on i can fill the base plastic grid system with shingle, assemble the frame for the base of the shed then cover it with ply and then pack my stuff in it. It's nice to do stuff when i feel like doing it as opposed to having to rush for some over complicated reason that tries to convince me that i do not have enough time. My arm, shoulder, neck wrist and fingers feel like they are on fire, i did not wear gloves either so i have lots of tint slices all over my hands, i managed to slice my wrist open pretty badly, so i have clearly not learned my lesson. MY wrist is healing quite well, I'm pretty lucky as the slit on my wrist is a half of an inch to the left of that big chunky vain that runs up the centre of our arms. I'm lucky also for my neighbour friend who has helped me assemble the shed, I'm not sure how i would of built it with out him, i can manage the painting on my own, which is slowly coming on, so i don't feel so useless.


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Day 213 of OU studies

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Edited by Casper Smith, Wednesday, 5 May 2021, 10:43

I managed to assemble the roof frame yesterday and it is ready to lift on to the walls, once it's on the wail's i will be able to fit the roof panels then fit the plastic trim that will seal and cover the edges and joints, leaving the shed all flush and fitting. I will need a hand putting the roof on and fitting the roof panels as I'm not able to do it by myself as I'm frikin disabled on my right side. I also managed to slice my left hand open while i was struggling on my own to fit a panel, lesson learned, stop believing i am more capable than i am, it's a bitter pill to swallow so best put some sprinkles on it and suck it up.

my sobriety is good and i am managing well at the moment, although i am a wear things can change so i will take it one day at a time. My mental health has been more manageable and i am feeling quite positive, which makes a change and i will enjoy it while it lasts.



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Day 212 of OU studies

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Edited by Casper Smith, Tuesday, 4 May 2021, 13:42
It was nice to have a Monday acting like a Sunday, i sat from the comfort of my warn front looking at my half built shed being blown about the garden, i have built the walls, with the help from a friend and i have to assemble the roof and put that on, i can sit on the floor and assemble the roof although i will need help putting on to the walls. I have also managed a little bit of painting so i am ticking the "achieving things" box at times i feel that i am not achieving anything as i have to do stuff at a much slower pace, however at the end of the week the difference is noticeable which is inspiring and motivating.


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Day 211of OU studies

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Edited by Casper Smith, Tuesday, 4 May 2021, 13:40

I really did get some good sleep Sunday night, i woke up about 3.30 pm and i have been in my pj's all day, the previous two days really did wipe me out, however, i have learned some valuable lessons that will help me deal with my mental health in a more positive way. I cant stress enough how important it is for me to stay focused on living in the present. Ever since i started to learn about Buddhism it has taught me a few things that will help me do that, staying on top of them all can be a days work sometimes, i don't listen to music with words, as that can be trigger that's takes me out of the now, i have taken away all my photos as they to can be a trigger that takes me away from living in the now, i do not celebrate any kind of anniversary, whether it be a birthday or a fatality as they to can be a trigger and take me away from the now. I know that as a human i can tend to hold on to thoughts, feelings and emotions so i practice letting go of them once i have recognise and acknowledged them. I try to apply mindfulness to every act through out my day so i can pay attention to the sights, sounds, smells, tastes and textures that come with simple tasks like showering, brushing my teeth, cooking dinner and eating dinner, walking and conversing, driving.  Certainly no more movies with any crime, violence, abuse, drugs or any thing that does not have a link to lollipops, rainbows, unicorns and glitter sprinkles.



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Day 211 of OU studies

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Edited by Casper Smith, Sunday, 2 May 2021, 22:51
Thursday evening saw the start of an emotional relapse that lasted until today in the late afternoon. Sometimes i find myself tired from the constant observation and awareness of potential triggers for EUPD/BDP, CPTSD and substance misuse. I believe i had became complacent and entered in to the thoughts of past life activities, before i new it i was watching a DVD that related to the criminal behaviour that was once common in my house hold as a child, i genuinely try to be a wear of this as a trigger and avoid them as i know what they could lead to.
I feel asleep while the watching the show and that was the last thing i remember before waking up in a pool of sweat, i was freezing cold and i could not stop shaking or and crying, i had only slept for 45 minutes and yet it felt like days, i genuinely believed that what i saw in the film and what i saw in my sleep were the same thing, i could not differentiate from memory, dream or reality, it took around eight hours for me to recognise where i was and how i got to be here, as soon as i was able to comprehend my surroundings depression hit me, almost as if it was waiting for me.
It was at this point i started to self harm, i have not self harmed for quite some time and i was starting to feel good about that, i soon started struggling to control my breathing which then brought on a panic attack, where everything i did or said was being played out as if it was on fast forward with the contradiction of watching me doing it in slow motion, i could feel my skeleton vibrating and i felt that all control over myself was non existent, limbo land.
As i have been dealing with episodes like this for some time now, i have a better understand of what, when, why and how, so i can be better prepared and not shocked as to what is going on, when i first used to suffer theses emotional relapses it would terrorise me.
What started out as watching a film turned in to a trigger that brought about the loss of two days, it's still a bit blurry although i can grasp a solid structure that feels safe and solid, i have not been able to eat yet and i am very tired, i think i will force myself to eat something and try to sleep.
If anything, the last two days have taught me that i need to be way more vigilant about my triggers, i actually have a trigger book that i created to help remind me, that's pretty nuts huh?


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Day 211 of OU studies

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Edited by Casper Smith, Tuesday, 4 May 2021, 13:41

 An easy day today.



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Day 210 of OU studies

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Edited by Casper Smith, Wednesday, 28 Apr 2021, 22:09

I took mum to have her nails done, hands and feet so she's feeling terrific. It was to windy to for shed building today, if the winds lets off I'll do a bit tomorrow, I've got a friend to help me so that will save a lot of struggling with one and a half arms.

I'm sat watching "the gypsies are coming" and its hitting more than i thought it would, you think you've left a life behind until you sit and watch it being played out on tv, this ones better than the "my big fat gypsy wedding" as this one's about Romany Gypsies, English Gypsies, "My big fat gypsy wedding is about Irish travellers and me being a Romany its more relatable.

Being taught a culture from born until realising i have to change is the hardest thing i have ever had to do in my life, I'm still trying to do it, that's how hard it is, however i don't know what else to do, I'm not ending up murdered in a ditch like mi daddy and i wont spend a lifetime in prison for murder like mi brother, for those reasons i have to keep battling, although I'm tired of the battle, I've been battling all mi life and I'm ruined, I'm 46 and body is telling me I'm 86 and when i can think straight my minds telling me I'm 16, well folks with the pleasure pain balance some fcuker is having a good time, however things could be a whole lot worse.



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Day 209 of OU studies

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Today has been as normal as normal can be, i managed to get a bit of painting don and i will continue with the metal shed tomorrow, things are coming together well. Me and mum nipped out for dinner again, now covid restrictions are lifted my mum really is going for it, it's nice to see her out and about..



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Day 206 of OU studies

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Edited by Casper Smith, Saturday, 24 Apr 2021, 20:26

Another lazy day, I'm still in my dressing gown with the patio doors open listening to the birds cheap. I'm having a day off shed building as i am waiting on materials, which suites me fine, as it is the weekend and there is nothing i like to do more over the weekend than nothing.



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Day 204 of OU studies

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The base for my metal shed came today so i have been assembling that and putting together the base of the shed,so today has been a productive day and i am pleased with myself for the accomplishment, even if it is towards an outcome that, quite honestly, scares the living life out of me.

The shingle that fills the plastic grid system that is the base for the shed comes on the 26th, along with the sheets of ply that will make the base of the shed, once they arrive i will assemble the walls, put the roof on and then fill it with my belongings, in the hope that i will be believed and therefore get to unpack it all again.

Today has reminded me of how unfit i am, i really would benefit from quitting smoking and getting a lot more exercise. I have been feeling a lot less stressed out lately, my battle for abstinence is is manageable and i seem to be incontrol , which is also relieving stress, so all in all, i am feeling ok, meetings are going well, pain management solutions is going well and my mental health matters seem to be manageable.

The relationship with my mum has been pleasant lately and we are getting on much better, which is a massive burden off my shoulders. I hope all is well with all in blog land, i am grateful to all who have supported me lately with your concerns and well wishes, it really has given me strength and motivation to keep positive and carry on, so thank you all.



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Day 203 of OU studies

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Edited by Casper Smith, Saturday, 24 Apr 2021, 20:26

Lazy day today.



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day 201 of OU studies

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Today, i have had a strange feeling all day, my mum and i went to her favourite cafe and had lunch after a brief spell of moochin around the shops. As much as it's nice to be relied upon, when i struggle with my mental health relying upon myself is difficult enough, it's as though 'broken can not fix broken', as much as i want to be the person who can always be there for my mum, it breaks my heart that i can not.

Fcuk depression.



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Day 201 of OU studies

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Happy Sunday folks, i have ordered a metal shed that will house all my belongings should the worse come to the worse at my court hearing, it will arrive on Tuesday and i will have to put it together. As much as it is a horrible process i feel good as i am doing the right thing and preparing as opposed to pressing the fcuk it button and making things a whole lot worse while i play the victim.

I have decided to not fuss if Kitten goes out or not and i'm sure she will relieved as i can be indecisive and confuse her, so now she can come and go as she pleases. The painting of my mum's house is a slow process and i am sure  will catch the monkey this way, he better not get in the way otherwise i paint him.

Today is a relaxed and calm day, so i will suck it up and make the most of it, no external forces will be messing with me today, which leaves me with more time and energy to deal with the internal forces that seem keen to possess me, once my belongings are in the metal shed i bought i will be able ti sit more comfortably.



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Day 200 of OU studies

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I have a zoom with my brief on Monday so i spent last night reading the court paper's, i don't know why i did as it proved to be not the ideal bedtime reading, lesson learned and i shall not be doing that again. That aside today is a good day and could be so much worse so small mercies are getting gratitude today. It's nice to be able to have the patio doors open and feel the fresh air breeze through the house. 

I am a little conflicted as i have a kitten who lives with me, who technically is a cat, although i fail to recognize that she she has grown up, i called her Kitten from the start and the name stuck, the reason i am conflicted is because Kitten is a house cat and ever since i have been living with my mum, who has a garden, when the patio is open she sneaks out in to the garden, at first i tried my hardest to keep her in as i did not want to tease her with being allowed out, then not, so on and so fourth, i suppose i still have not decided properly whether she is allowed out or not and continue to, sometimes let her out and sometimes not letting her out.

When kitten wants to out, she looks at me, sat pretty staring me in the eyes with her dig dark eyes and i fold, or Kitten will sit on the back of the sofa i am sat on wagging her tale on the back of my head while staring at the door, i fold again. I today is the day where i have to make up my mind, so good luck with that as i do not want other cats having a go at her and i do not want her eating stuff she shouldn't be and then bringing it back up when she comes in, we have tiled floors everywhere so it;s not about the mess, it;s more about her having to go through that process as i believe that it can not be nice for her.



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Day 199 of OU studies

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Edited by Casper Smith, Friday, 16 Apr 2021, 12:59

Today was the first day of my pain management solutions sessions, this is the second attempt as the first attempt was halted due to poor mental health management, the sessions consist of two weekly of appointments, one is a one to one and the second is a group session, were we learn to apply new psychological and physiological coping mechanisms so that we can learn to live with our pain conditions "whatever that may be" more comfortable and with out it impacting on our lives to the point where it can cause disorder, i guess it's exactly as it says on the tin "pain management solutions".

I missed my first appointment due to clashing doctors appointment and if i am honest, i associated the the upcoming sessions with the sessions i missed due to poor mental health management and i was refreshingly surprised. My first appointment today covered what i had missed and what i heard was really positive and gave me a sense of security, as there were a beacon of hope that i can learn to live with with my condition while reducing the painful and stressful process.

I had felt recently that my condition was becoming unbearable and negative thoughts were entering my head about ways that i could stop it once for all, the shocking thing that i found during that process is that the conclusions i were coming to was beginning to make sense and i was becoming more and more comfortable with those negative conclusions, very fortunately i was in contact with a friend from another group of support and i started to talk about how i was feeling.

I am learning that whatever my issue, there is always something i can do about it, somewhere i can go to deal with it and somebody to talk to about it, i invite all fellow sufferers to always have faith in this and never sit by yourself alone and suffer in silent, because if we reach out in the right direction there is support and guidance and a listen ear that can validate you and your suffering.

To all who suffer, i have faith in you, i'm thinking of you, i love you and i believe in you, there are lots of kind, caring, understanding and positive people out there to support us.

God bless the sufferers and God bless the supporters.



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Day 197 of OU studies

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Edited by Casper Smith, Saturday, 24 Apr 2021, 20:28

i can not take any more suffering.



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Day 195 or OU studies

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Yesterday was such a chilled out day until i heard about Amnesty International's study in to the "vaccine nationalism" and i switched, suddenly i was really annoyed and stressed, which lead to a very abrupt blog yesterday, some may have different way of describe it but that's OK, i make no apology's for the way i expressed myself as i feel annoyance and frustration are feelings and emotions that can not be buried or covered up and as part of my freedom of speech i have the freedom to think, feel and express myself, no one was hurt.

In a world where we have to grin and bare all, while the governments continues to beat us down with orders of how to live, how to feel and how to think, slowly taking away the ability of a society knowing how to communicate to one another and in the confusion a build up of repression from not being able to be true to their selves, their instinctual beliefs, instinctual thoughts feelings and emotions., their true likes or dislikes, as opposed to venting outwards, these ill feelings and at the governments that are setting the standards, the ill feelings are being vented inwards amongst society.

While in the confusion, religion, gender, race and color being broken in front of our eyes by the so called law makes and peace keepers, with the intention of turning society against society and it's working, they are clearly getting away with it, they are getting away with planting the perception in our minds that individuality is cool, every other tv show is a show is with judges, "the world is ending" "it's your fault" "only black lives matter" "only gay pride", what about "unity" what about every life matters? what about honor and dignity for all, after all pride is a deadly sin, what about "judge not less ye be judged", all the while planting another perception in our minds that robots are the way forward, AI implants are the new now, interact with machinery and gadgets, don' use your brain to think, use techknowledgey to think for you, don't do anything unless there is techknowlegey doing it for you.

I don't want a robot as a best friend like in Wuhan China (the worlds first smart city), i don't want to go to my own funeral as a robot, do you?



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Day 194 of OU studies

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Edited by Casper Smith, Monday, 12 Apr 2021, 07:43

COVID-19 Global "fair shot" campaign launched to combat  vaccine nationalism.

In an earlier blog i mentioned that hundreds of thousands of poverty stricken people will not have access to the vaccine because of rich countries "like ours" are buying up all of it.

Amnesty International claim that in a study released on March the 11th 2021, billions of poverty stricken people in poverty stricken countries will not even have a look in at a vaccine jab this year and the majority of those billions will not have the jab at all.

So, while people in the western world are whinging about not having a jab for a maqndemic that does not even exist, spare a thought for people who really are struggling.

The dynamics of capitalism and its scavagine supporters really makes my piss itch, and from the bottom of my heart you are a disgusting breed. 

And if for any reason i have offended any one, i would like to say, grow a spine and "welcome to free speech" and most importantly "go suck a lemon"



WWG1WGA

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Day 194 of OU studies

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Ben Hur, i only just mentioned it in my last blog, Sunday is complete now, my mums on the sofa, dinner is cooking and my mums favourite film, it really is the simple things for me folks, you won't find me chasing money, gadgets, things and popularity.



WWG1WGA

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