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Day 194 of OU studies

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Edited by Casper Smith, Sunday, 11 Apr 2021, 15:49

Happy sunday folks, as much as i love all days, Sunday is without a doubt the day i love the most, i think i may get that from my mother. My mother grew up as a miner's daughter in a two up two down miner's house in the 40s and 50s. Her upbringing could not of contrasted from my father's any more if she tried, my mother attended Sunday school as a child, she has read the bible and has a fond belief of Jesus Christ, although she keeps it close to her heart. 

Her nature is warm and gentle and her spirit is kind and giving and with the trickle of her fond beliefs has impacted me in gentle way, her favourite films are Ben Hur and Spartacus, she celebrates Easter and Christmas in way that is from the heart and not lost materialism, its her little gestures of belief that let me know that it gives her comfort and stability and as much as i do not accept one religion as a sole belief system, i love to watch her favourite with her and watch her face as she reads my Easter card and i love to support her in her beliefs and share them with her, as Sunday is represented as the Sabbath and the day of rest.

I am sure that my love for Sundays relates to my mother and it is a way of me connecting with her and feeling the comfort from a safe and grounded place and it is my virtual friend Gillian that has provoked this train of thought in me and brought me closer to their beliefs, with the media constantly lying to us and making us believe that wars around the world are a cause of religion, as opposed to the truth and the orchestration of wars for the sake of a one world governance, the profiteers of arms suppliers, land owning and the minerals within that land, the true meaning and sense or religion can get lost and cause people to lose faith and the kind, warm, caring and giving people of those religions could be lost forever.

What problems i may think i have or whatever troubles i think may come, today i am fit and well, i am loved and i love, i have all i need, and god knows things can always be worse, so, just for today, everything is fine.

So thank you mum and thank you Gillian for your gentle trickle of traditional righteousness that is pure, kind, loving and giving.



WGG1WGA

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C J

day 193 of ou studies

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Edited by Casper Smith, Monday, 12 Apr 2021, 18:28

Around the world there are hundreds of thousands of poverty stricken people living in poverty stricken places that, from no fault of their own and for some bizarre reason are deemed less important from those in the western world and therefore a vaccine for the mandemic it not applicable for those people, somebody somewhere thinks that bubble wrap britain LTD/PLC/CORP, is more important than Brazil or Africa etc etc. 

I wonder what Savile Row, suit wearing, champagne drinking, cocaine snorting, child abusing, scum sucking barnicle from the western world made that decision, put a vaccine in me, i would rather put wasps up my bum, ban me, fine me imprison me, there is no way, no one in the world is injecting me with anything i don't want, i have my civil rights and civil liberties, things that the population of the western world are forget in their pursuit to be on ex-factor or university challenge. 

We do not need no more cle,ver people or stupid famous people, look at the ,mess the world is in with ones we have, PLEASE, STOP MAKING STUPID PEOPLE FAMOUS, why is power given to capitalist numb nuts like bill gates, elon musk, jeff bezos, mark (suffering suckertash) zuckenburgh, ray kurzwiel, larry page, steve jobs, tim cook, richard branson, james dyson (sir) fcuk off sir, jack dorsey, gareth camp, travis kalanak,byte dance, alphabet, without these scumbags, society has a chance of pulling its head out from up its own asre and functioning like normal, the western world walking around with hunched backs believing in a device over a human while the capitalist device makers barsgue in their narcissistic glory not giving one siht for the society they are selling too.



WWG1WGA

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C J

Day 193

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I Started the day with some mindfulness meditation and i am feeling the benefits, as opposed to yesterday's mock stacking and packing of all my property to see if it will fit in a metal shed that i am buying to store it all in, should the worst case scenario play out at my court hearing, as you can imagine it is a very stressful process to go through, i can not change it so i have to accept it and prepare myself for any outcome.

An attempt to collect my medication on thursday, turned into a friday spent on the phone to the doctors three times for two and a half hours, two separate queues at the doctors that lasted two and a half hours, three separate queues at two different chemists that lasted three hours, witnessing the chemist literally arguing with the prescription clerk over the phone, all the time waiting for a call back from the doctor that was requested first thing Friday morning, i really did feel sorry for all the staff throughout that process as it is totally clear to see that this orchestrated mandemic is really taking its toll on every aspect of the health service. governments, the worlds country leaders, (apart from Trump) the who, the  bill and malinda gates foundation, the rockerfellas, the john hopkins medical center, imperial college london and all other scum sucking barnicles that are related to the orchestration of the mess the world is in right now should be made to trade places with the poverty stricken people that live in poverty stricken places, so that we could get the chance to see how the world would be run by people who truly know what a struggle for the basics is all about as opposed to the nanny state, pampered, emotionally retarded, over privileged, psychopaths that stalk the planet with their narcissism and greed.

Nevertheless the weekend is upon us and i do love a weekend, fry ups for breakfast, feet up and do nothing.



WWGAWGA

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C J

Day 192 of OU studies

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I think i may of over done it with the prep for painting yesterday, my right back shoulder feels like i have been shot with a hot poker and my right side feels like it is vibrating, all warm and fuzzy, it feels like i have using a hammer drill all day and my fingers, hand and arm are still shaking as a result, time for some pain management exercises and see if that helps to ease the pain and sensations, i take medication for the pain although there is little i can do about the sensations.



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Day 191 of OU studies

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Edited by Casper Smith, Friday, 9 Apr 2021, 10:14
I managed to get some prep done for painting, although it took me ages and my right side is in alot of pain, the sensations are going bezerk, pins and needles, i can't tell the difference between burning hot and freezing cold, numbness all over the back of my right hand, my two fore fingers, my thumb, the right side of my neck and the right side of my face. If i did it it any slower i would of fell asleep on the stairs by the skirting board.
This is so frikin frustrating, pain management solutions is teaching me how to live with the pain and sensations, also giving me exercises so that my muscles do not lay dormant and cease up due to lack of use, maybe i was to eager and thought after one session i would be able to do some painting at least, i mean painting is not that physical right?
It looks like i am going to have to take it even slower, at this rate i will have painted the hallway by June of next year, i feel i should be doing something, to look at me you would think that butter wouldn't melt, there is nothing visually wrong with me that would make stand out from the rest, which can be misleading at time because even i forget that there is actually something wrong with me at times, soldier on as things could always be worse, slowly, slowly catchy monkey, "frikin monkey"


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C J

Day 190 of OU studies

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Edited by Casper Smith, Sunday, 2 May 2021, 09:32

I actually started the painting process today, painting is the easy part. My mum's house is a new build, so once the house has finally settled, it reveals gaps and cracks that were not originally there, so the filer and silicon has to be clawed out, sanded down, filled again and then painted, if i paint over crap, the crap will shine through, as i am a little OCD, that can't happen on my watch.

Gratitude for my friend Allyson who has been a massive support to me over the last few weeks, i am not sure how i would of coped if i never reached out and asked for help, i am able to show my vulnerability with no fear of reprisal and no feelings of weakness or shame, this may sound pretty simple, although i am breaking through the stigma of "men don't cry" that was laid down by the so called men in my family.

So here's to moving forward and feeling better for it, today is a good day, right break time over, time to carry on with the painting prep.


WWG1WGA

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C J

Day 190 of OU studies

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A day spent painting turned in to day sleeping and putting masking tape down in preparation for painting, painting will commence tomorrow. i paint differently from others, rather than the finishing coat (gloss coat) last i do the finishing coat first as i find it easier to to cut emulsion in to gloss as i do cutting glossin to emulsion.It will do me good to do some chores as i have been struggling with urges to use, thankfully i have not succumb to the urges although the mental anguish has left me with a pounding headache, all in a victorious conqueror can sleep soundel knowing that the devil came knocking and he got knocked the f@ck out.

I have been told that if i want self esteem do esteemable things, i have a feeling i wake up feeling slightly good about myself, although i can not basb in the glory as it will not be long before the devil knocks again and tempts me with urges. I am looking forward to a bit of painting tomorrow as i find it therapeutic and there is the opportunity to complete something that is noticable and say, hey, i did that, these may sound like silly actions, when it comes to battling substance misuse its the little things that make the biggest difference. 

It's not about resurrection Einstein and asking him to come up with a new equation for over complicated and over dramatic issues that lead us to substance misuse, it really is the simple and little things that make it work, sleep right, eat right, exercise, balance of work, pleasure,  market research relapses, put yourself first, recognise and act on triggers, cut ties with toxic people, change your phone number, education, hobbies, seek substance misuse guidance and support and abide by what they say, get support with mental health and abide by what they say, learn how to accept a compliment, focus on the positives that you hold, abandon negative self talk, complete selfless activities, connect with friends, connect with family, connect with nature and connect with yourself, be patient while trust reformes, show gratitude and let go.



WWG1WWGA

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C J

Day 188 of OU studies

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today has been a medicine day, a day where i do nothing, think nothing watch movies and eat Easter eggs, from the comfort of my bed with my Kitten on my lap, sometimes i have to remind myself that it is ok to breath out, relax and take time to let any and everything pass by, i did the required amount of fouse and left my mum a coffee, cams upstairs and switched off.

Dinner is cooking itself, the bed sheets have been washed and i will have a candle lit bath before taking my meds and have an early night. All ready for some painting tomorrow, i am grateful for the bank holiday Monday and it takes away the guilt of lounging all day.



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C J

Day 187 of OU studies

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Happy Easter people, i hope you all enjoy your day. I woke up feeling a little shaky this morning, i am not sure whether i am feeling sorry for myself or whether what i am feeling has some substance. It feels like i am getting no support from my family in regards to my up and coming court case involving my ex and her malicious false allegations against me, which if she is to be believed over me i am facing a 12 year prison sentence. I have never been in this position before and i am scared out of my witts and have been ever since i left her over two years ago and she first made these false allegations. 

An issue that i am having is that, at least 20 years ago i was forced to live, work and drive my brother around as he had no licence and would bully me with violence and verbal abuse, as a result of my fathers abuse before him and the violence i received from my ex, i now have a diagnosis of CPTSD (Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), although i have had the symptoms most of my life, i have only recently received a diagnosis.

In 2007 my brother murdered a man and tried to get away with it by saying he did not do it, evan though, to all in the town at the time and the police, it was clear that he done it, in a bid for freedom, he managed to convince my uncle to pay for a top legal team to represent him, at the cost of over £100,000, my brother was found guilty and a further £15,000 was spent on his appeal, which of course he lost.

In committing this murder my brother turned so many lives upside down, the family and friends of the victim and our family, as a result we all moved for fear of reprisals. The majority of my family have always stuck by my brother, to the point where they believe that the legal team that were hired were useless as opposed to my brother actually being in the wrong and guilty. Throughout the my brothers nearly 14 years in prison almost every member of my family have done everything they can to insure that my brother has everything he wants and never goes without anything. Because of my families belief that my brother was the victium

My brother continued his bullying towards me and would emotionally blackmail me to do anything he wanted me to do, my old age disabled mother would be made to travel 500 miles in one day to visit him over a period of years and has bankrolled my brothers stay in prison throughout his sentence, my uncle has evan given my brothers children £1000s for them to go on shopping sprees on behalf of my brother. My brother evan emotionally blackmailed me to ask a key witness in his murder trial to retract his statement, of which i received a 24 month prison sentence, the first and last time i have ever been to such a soul destroying place.

Along with this my mother evan went to court on my brothers behalf, whilst he was serving life for murder, to battle with social services for a large number of years as my brother had his children taken away from him as a result of his violent behaviour towards society, ahain all because of families belief that my brother was a victim.

I have been a live in 24/7 career for my mum for over a year now, i have totally given up my life to help and support her, i literally do anything and everything for her, to the point where, if say no, because sometimes i feel it would be good if she got up and moved, that she will sulk and be moody with me, my brothers input of support for me whilst i have been dealing with my issues alone, is to tell what to do and then scream, shout and tell me he is not interested if i do not agree with him, go along with him and ultimately do as he says, as a result of me being triggered for CPTSD as a result of his aggression towards me, i have terminated my relationship with him, i have asked my uncle if he can help me to which he said no and i get no support or feedback from anyone in my family if i try to talk about or address my concerns.

With all being said i feel so scared and alone it s unbelievable, i have spent several years homeless and i don't believe i felt more alone than this, as i said i live with my mother and continue to listen to my families interaction with my brother, still, enabling him to have what he wants and everything done for him, i really am struggling to deal with the dynamics of my family and how the system works. At least i have this blog to be able to say what and how i feel.



WWG1WGA

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C J

Day 186 of OU studies

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Edited by Casper Smith, Saturday, 3 Apr 2021, 14:34

building up to and preparing to continue painting my mothers house, n a burst of energy i tackled the front room, walls, ceiling and woodwork, as soon as the burst of energy came it left just the same, so Monday is the day i continues down the hallway, into the bathroom then in to the kitchen which will complete the down stairs.

My beautiful mum has issues installed by fathers violent behaviour, so her self belief, self worth and motivation lacks a little and the inability for her to recognise this can leave her feeling not as good as the possibilties, my mum also has mobility issues which make it that little bit harder for her to move around as much as what is needed for her to maintain a certain level of activeness.

As a result my mum can sit in one spot for a long time, she is a smoker, which dont help, although my mum is 73 and i can not teach her how to suck eggs, instead i sit and watch and support when she needs or asks for it. Over the years her house has become covered in a microfilm of nicotine, which is the main inspiration for wanting to paint, also it will lift her spirits to be able to sit in her home and see it fresh and looking clean.

My mums owns her house outright and her house is a new build, so keeping it looking similar to what it looked like when it was first built is not that hard of a job, as long as i stay on top of things and not let my mental health or substance misuse issues take over to the point where i neglect them, plus completing tasks like this can help me build my self esteem and keep me motivated, because of the chronic nerve condition i suffer from, means that it takes me ten times as long, as i have to do it in short spurts and almost OD on my prescribed medication, its amazing how i have learned to use my left arm ever since i was diagnosed with the nerve condition.

So Monday i will attempt to make a start, as long as my mental health is stable, i have took enough medication, i take my time, i mean really take my time, i stick to the exercises that i learn from Pain Management Solutions, and i use my left side as much as i can, i stand a chance of being able to to get something done.

What i hate the most is that i started working at the age of 14 with my Romany Gypsy father who removed rubbish, tarmacked/block paved roadways and drives, collected scrap metal/cleaned scrap metal, felled trees, reared horses, all of which were reputable companies that were able to undertake work to a high standard, we were very hard working with a natural instinct for problem solving, my father would do any job and did any job for cash money and being his sidekick from the age of 13 onwards, i would be able to work most men in to the ground, going from that to explaining what i have to do in order to do a poxy bit of painting can be soul destroying if i let, so the trick is not to let it.



WWG1WGA

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C J

Day 185 of OU studies

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Edited by Casper Smith, Friday, 2 Apr 2021, 15:39

The groups i attend for substance misuse have forever been feeling to "reach out" when you need help, and i have been "yeah i will, i promise" and i never have, up until a week ago a where i did reach out and the difference is amazing. I have had a chance to break the cycle of 'negative thought negative action'. I come from and old fashioned way of thinking that has proven to be hard to break 'men don't cry' 'put up and shut up' 'if something is wrong, deal with it dont go on about it, although now i think about, were the people the people around telling me that because they were old fashioned or were they just not interested? 

I am starting to think that they were not interested, maybe if they were interested they would be by my side now, either helping or telling me to man up, which reminds me, here is a link to a beautifully awesome poem about the phrase "man up". It gives me goosebumps every time, i wish i knew about this poem at the time that i was growing up and having so called men telling me their distorted view of manly mannerisms. 

Today is a good day and with the help of a friend who i reached out too, i have had a good week, it's like i have been injected with a different viewpoint, my problems are not solved and things could be a whole worse, it's been refreshing to spend my time passing the day with general chit chat as opposed psychoanalytically looking for comparisons between Freud and Jung in order to make sense of my existence.

I am starting to break the habit of consistently feeling like i need the viewpoint of an ologist, or maybe evan starting to accept that i don't have to keep trying to work out the reason for this, that and the other, i must admit my head has not been aching nowhere near as much, no i have shown myself that i can reach out and i can have a general chit chat about whatever, i am sure that i can keep the ball rolling, as the saying goes "the proof of the pudding is in the munching".

So i have learned something that is beneficial and will help get through the rough times ahead.

Below is the "man up poem", it is pretty cool.

https;//www.youtube.com/watch?v=QFoBaTkPgco



WWG1WGA

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C J

Day 183 of OU studies

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Shamingley in 2013 i received a five year driving ban for diving whilst under the influence of alcohol. I paid a few hundred pound to attend a driving course to help me and to shorten my ban by 25%, which meant i would have been able to drive in in 2017. In 2016 i went in to a dual diagnosis rehab for seven months, whilst in rehab i broke the rules and formed a relationship with a woman, the relationship turned out to be violent with her as the aggressor, which i ended in 2018.
During the violent relationship i was unable to complete the driving course and became dependent on weed as a coping mechanism, also to fit in with my partner, as she had starting smoking weed whilst we were separated when i had her arrested for stabbing me.
Because i refused to give a roadside breath test this automatically meant that when i applied for my licence i would have to provide a urine sample that was free from any intoxicants for a period of no less than 6 months, as i was being coercive abused and always had my money taken from me i was unable to pursue my licence, plus i was dependent on weed so i knew i would never give a free urine sample, basically i gave up.
Once i had left her in February of 2018 i undertook lots of professional help with my mental health and with substance misuse, and once i was free from substance misuse i started the application process for my driving licence again, it was to be so difficult to prove i had not used for 6 months as i was not part of a structured abstinence program, which meant all i had was my word to my GP, mental health workers and substance misuse key workers, i had my application refused seven times as a result.
Finally i was able to get evidence from all agencies that meant my application could move on to the next phase, which was actually providing a clean urine specimen to a registered DVLA doctor, i had that appointment several months ago and, wait for it, today, i received my driving licence, YYYiiiiiippppppppppeeeeeee, so after 8 years, from a five year ban, i finally have my licence back, i had actually give up the ghost and was confined to the thought that i would never get it back, but here we are.
I would bet my bollox to a barn dance that i am a complete law abiding chap now who has totally learned his lesson, and i will no longer be a threat to innocent people going about their business.


WWG1WGA

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Day 182 0f OU studies

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Edited by Casper Smith, Friday, 2 Apr 2021, 15:40

Well i managed to get through the weekend, i reached out to a friend and she was kind to me over the weekend which helped me with urges and made it possible for me to maintain abstinence. Groups are going well, which is good and i have had my first phone call appointment with pain management, they also offer CBT which i will be involving myself with as it is a good source of information that can help me.

I have an appointment with my doctor in two weeks as i i would like a referral for EMDR  (Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing) which is a standard treatment for those who suffer for CPTSD (Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). I had the treatment when i was in a dual diagnosis rehab in 2016, among other therapies it proved to be successful and made a huge difference in my behaviour in response to dealing with past traumas.

There is a twelve month waiting list and it is expensive so i will not hold my breath, although i do have faith, i know times have changed and funding is low so i will be patient and see what happens.



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Day 180 of OU studies

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Edited by Casper Smith, Sunday, 28 Mar 2021, 22:49

Firstly, the battle we have all been waiting for is here, well i say all, i mean me, Max Verstappen out qualifies Sir Lewis Hamilton for pole position at the Bahrain Grand Prix for the first time. Finally the current 7 time world champion, breaker of multiple F1 records and the greatest F1 driver to have lived, has a fight on his hands, the likes of which have never been seen during Sir Lewis Hamilton's reign. This evenings racs is to be a race that has not been witnessed and dare i say the rest of the season will play out the same way.

I was born in to a racing family and follow all racing with a passion, apart from horse racing, the thought of watching a man pounding a horse with a whip makes me want to pound that n=man with a whip.

Last night was a remarkable night for me, as i picked up a book and started to read it, apart from study books, i have never read a book in my life, i have a different out look on knowledge to most which has fueled my desire to not read books all the more.

I care for self realisation and self development, i do not care for the different opinions of 7 billion different people, i care to know about and understand me, my mind and how to manage that mind, and i care to know about people who can help with that, once i have learned about those things and i am in control my desire for knowledge will be no more, i care not to fill my mind with useless facts or information or to be the man in the room who believes he knows the most.

Anyway, back to book i have started to read is, The Science Of Mind And Behaviour, by Richard D Gross. I was given the book by a friend about 20 years ago, maybe less, i am in the habbit of meeting people who give me books and say "you should try that", i have built my entire library on that principle and ironically, i have never read one. 

The book in mention was also given away to an ex's son who showed an an interest in psychology, i never got the book back, which was no bother to me. for some reason i was browsing a book shelf in a charity shop and i saw the same book, so i had to by it, that was at least two years ago. The thing that drew me to the book was the front cover, it was a face, formed from the shading of the shadows, to which i proceeded to draw on a wall in my old front room, i was suffering about of depression at the time, which normally leads to an artistic and creative side.

During this bout several years ago, i started to draw the cover of "Al pacino's Scarface" on my front room wall, i was sat on the back of my sofa  with my top off, whilst doing so the light created a shadow of me so started to trace the image, slightly below and to the right of the original picture, whilst near to finishing my sister came around and sent my nephew up with some money that i had borrowed from her, i opened the door and proceeded to draw, as my nephew handed me the money, he was stood just too the right of my tracing of me but he was next to the wall, so i proceeded to draw around him presenting his image on the wall to the far right right at ground level. At the time i was  an active addict who was self harming and an undiagnosed depressive. What i was was left with was a tracing of a man in a suit holding a gun, knelt in front of that image was another image of what appeared to be a naked young who was holding his arm out in order to protect the third image of a small child. 

What also appeared to me was that all three images were me, the naked me in the middle was protecting the innocent child me on the bottom from the aggressive adult me at the top, i know, pretty bizarre huh? A year or so later in the same bout of depression, i mosaiced the three legs of the Isle Of Mans Flag in to my front room floor, the symbol is "triskelion" which is latin for "three legs", the moto is "whichever way you throw it, it stands" which at the time was applicable to the immense amount shit i was having thrown at me, and yet i continued to try.

Little did i know at the time, that mosaic would later lead me to design and mosaic the first prize trophy for "The Environment Awards 2004" sponsored by the The Rotary International, i was introduced to David Bellamy and the Mayor or Hertfordshire in blood stained clothes from where i had been cutting myself, totally induced in crack/cocaine, trying to to fit in, i think back and i have no idea how i managed to pull it off.

On the basis of that i created a business that was sponsored by the Prince's Youth Business Trust, to prove that i was only to be this creative because of my depression, the business i created soon fell apart as everything was going so well for me for the first time in years, i was clean form using, i was not self harming and my depression was a distant memory. I tried to work on several commissions i had received from "house and garden magazine" i would sit there and stare into space, i literally had no idea what i was doing, i could not design, i could not mosaic, it was as if my memory had been wiped, genuinely one of the most bizarre moments of my life. 

One thing i know for sure, if never having the ability in being creative ever again meant that i would never suffer a moment of mental illness, i could quite happily live with out being creative


.

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Day 179 pf OU studies

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Today feels like a Sunday, which means my weeks messed up, everytime it feels like the day after its seems to continue through the week and mess with my head. OpenLearn is proving itself to be good at keeping my brain active and far more easier to deal with when i have emotional relapses, the pressure is off now with the degree, it's in a safe place and i know it will keep, which is a reassuring feeling. I have a lot more time and headspace for the issues right in front of me. Chores, chores and more chores today, which i don't mind, pottering about like an old fart suits me fine nowadays.

F1 starts this weekend, so popcorn and peanuts at the ready then i'm for a cool weekend.



WWG1WGA


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Day 178 of OU studies

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well folks, i have finally finished packing the entire contents of my home in to storage containers, it's not the best activity i have taken part in a;though it has given me feeling of responsibility and a sense dignity as i am facing my issues head on. i hope and pray with all my being that this is all vain and i get to unpack it all once i have been believed and understood, I have truth on my side, so all i need to do is have faith in the system and trust that truth will find away to prevail.



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Day 177 of OU studies

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Good morning people,feeling grateful at this moment, i had plenty of emotional triggers yesterday although i resisted the urge to use, i managed to get through a very emotional day, so i am waking up and feeling the positive benefits from that, as opposed to waking up with the confirmation of failure, it really is refreshing to know that i can keep control "if you seek self esteem, then do esteemable things" is a phrase that comes to mind.

My kitten is looking at me, she is sat upright, and very politely sending me a visual message that she would appreciate her breakfast as soon as i can get my but out of bed. I grew up with working animals and never having a pet, nor having animals in the house, at 39 i had my first pet, which is the cat i have now called kitten, she was a kitten when i got her so the name stuck. I acquired her on behalf of somebody else and i was worried that i would not connect with her, as i had the mindset that had been passed down, which was, animals serve a purpose and will be treated accordingly.

Well folks, i can openly admit that the fear of that was quickly dispelled and it did not take long until i fell in love with her and now she is the head of my house hold, she is well and truly a massive part of the family and rather than me trying to humanise her so that she fits in to my world, i have animalised myself so that i can fit in to her world. She has always been welcome to come and go as she pleases, although I have a kitten flap that she has never used once, the only time she has been out was when she was investigating the window sill, and she fell, i rushed to the window only to find her her sat on the ground, looking up and meowing at me.

She chose to wait for me to go and get her and  when i did she never went out again. The peace and tranquility that comes from being around animals is immense, i mean i have always felt it from having animals in the yard, although it is such a different feeling for me actually having an animal i the house, she is still looking at me, so i guess i could go and give her breakfast.

Have a good day people.



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Day 176 of OU studies

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A fresh start to life as the morning rolls around again. The last few days have moved from that of uncomfortableness to having to check if i still have a pulse. I have spent time alone, reflecting on life as it is right now. It's at times like this when i remind myself that things could always be worse, i love, and i am loved, i have food, warmth and shelter. I try to convince myself i am not a material man and yet i am storing my material items in a place where they are safe so if the worst does come to the worst i will be able to have them to help me rebuild. Surly if i were not a material man then i would not be holding on to these items and feeling loss at the first hint of being without them. 

I guess it is times like this when i realise that spirituality is way more than me saying "i believe in buddha" or "i do yoga" and "i meditate" or "i practise mindfulness", when the reality is, i am no more spiritual than i allow my mind to convince myself i am. The monks of Tibet or the Swami's of India openly choose to live without wealth or pocces material items, how easy was it for me to say "live without wealth or pocces material items", they are true masters of their minds and life, i am gathering my items like they are my body parts and storing them, in the hope that one day i can be reunited with them, how is that spiritual? That's as opposite to spiritual as i can get. 

It's a joke that i could even think that i am comparable to those guys, never mind actually comparing myself to them, i am an over privileged man from the western world who lives in a society that has given him all he has ever needed an so much more, i have used it and abused it and held my hand out for more, i have no idea what it's like to have to walk for dirty water, i have no idea what it's like for my government to want to kill me, i have no idea what it's like to wake up to the sound of bombs being dropped and bullets entering people, or what it's like to not be able to go to sleep because of those noises, and i certainly do not know what it's like to give up all material wealth for the sake of those people.

Those people who choose to live without wealth and sit in silence for their cause are the strongest people i have heard about, to be like them is just a fairy tale or a far stretched out version of my over excited imagination, i am not even sure i am worthy of talking about them.

It's at times like this when i realise how words like "genius"  "spiritual" and "passion" are massively over used and missdirected.



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Day 175 of OU studiers

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Edited by Casper Smith, Wednesday, 24 Mar 2021, 08:50

No rants, no opinions, no judgements, no points of view, no facts, no dramas. Just a regular day, not much done, not much to do, no shoulds, no could's, no if's, no and's or but's, no might's, no maybe's, no will's or no wont's. Just a headache.



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Day 174 of OU studies

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I am so glad that this morning happened and the chance to start again has come. I have bought some more plastic storage box's which i am picking up on Wednesday, then i can finish the packing. Once i have dismantled the bed, sofa and emptied the tool cupboard then everything is packed. I shall give my home a clean then leave all items ready for putting in to a trailer once i have bought one., 

I have lots of agricultural and commercial vehicle magazines to look through, i have been looking through them lately to get an idea of what they cost and what i will be expected to pay. I have bought a plastic cover that will will protect my nearly new mattress. 

I try my hardest to buy second hand, so that my involvement in the manufacturing process will be as minimal as i can get it. This is not done to comply with the media's threat of the world ending due to the human impact on global warming, i do this because of my culture, being a Romany Gypsy, my family have thrived on what the white man throw away society discards and if they can get away with saving money where others would spend it, i could bet my life that is what they will do. 

The reason i referred to people as white men is because Romany Gypsies do not class themselves as white men, they class themselves as Romany Gypsies, which is why non-Gypsies are referred to as gorgers by Gypsies, as gorgers derives from the Indian word gora, which means white man and Gypsies originate from Punjab, North India.

The middle to upper class white man of the western world were a key role in my Grandfather's and grandmother's netting their multi million pound fortune in the 30s-40s and 50s, My grandparents on my father's side would gather all that was thrown away and re-sell it, weigh it in if it was metal or rags or use it so they never had to buy, basically they not only lived for free they were paid to live, simply because they didn't let pride get in the way of living, they were genuinely ready to sieve through the muck and people were to lazy to fix things. People think that this culture invented the throw away society, no my friends, people with more money that sense created the throw away society.

As much money as my grandparents had, they lived the poor man's mindset, as opposed of today's society that enables poor people to live with the mindset that they are rich, because the white man could nit grasp this concept it would cause a lot of hate towards my family because of a lack of understanding that life can be lived a different way, jealousy would also play a part as my family were driving mercedez when the majority of the public could not afford a horse, to this day we still receive the same prejudice because people are not willing to do what we do and only know how to flow through life as society tells them, born, live, work, borrow, pay back, die, now if thats how gougers choose to live, then live it and let the people who choose to live different way, live their way.

It was quite ironical for me at school, as the children of middle class white people would bully me for being a smell, dirty pykey and yet just one persons wealth in my family could buy out their complete family. My family never had bank accounts and could never understand why they would give their hard earned money to a stranger to look after, their wealth was spread out, owning land, property, gold, vehicles, literally holes would be dug and filled with cash, i remember as a child going to buy a grab lorry with my father in the early 80s, the lorry way £27,000, which in the early 80s was a lot of money, the guy in the showroom lock us in and called the police, crazy huh. Today, it is illegal to carry £500 if you can not prove where you got it from, now how crazy is that?

Now, i understand why Gypsies have a bad name, and i will tell  you for free that it is not because of the behaviour from the Romany Gypsy, just as all white men in GB can not be classed as the same, all Gypsies can not be classed the same, there are lots of different types of gypsies as there are lots of different white people, all it takes is a little bit of understanding so that all Gypsies do not classed the same. 

I mean people white people will talk Romany and not even no they are, Del boy from only fools and horses says "cushdy" "Kushty bok" is a Romany word, it means "good luck" people also say "mush" meaning mouth "mush" is a Romany word that means "man", "cosh" is a Romany word that means "stick", "pal" derives from the Romany "phral" which means "brother", you may of heard Danny Dyer say "mullered", that is a Romany word that comes from "muller" which means "to kill", "scran" derives from the Romany word "satan" which means "to eat", "skip" is a Rommany word meaning "basket",  "gibberish" derives from the Romany "jib" meaning "tongue" or "language", "lollipop" is a Romany word which derives from "loli phabai" meaning "red apple" the Romany tradition of selling candy apples on a stick, Romanies created what are known now as "toffee apples","nark" "togs" "wonga" "dick" Div" "gavver" "chav" "bar" are all Romany words, i could go on but i do not want to.

I wish that there could be a tv show that would teach people this about Romany Gypsies as opposed to rubbish they show about "my big fat Gypsy wedding" which is a load of nonsense, that's not a gypsy thing, that's a Jordan thing, Katy Price started that trend and gypsies simply copied it, i also wish that people would not be so gullible and judge a race based on what a tv program tells them.



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Day 173 of OU studies

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Continuing on from this morning, my mother sat next to me and never uttered a word, after a couple of hours my mother asked me if I could make her a cup of coffee to which i said "do you mind making it yourself", she ignored me and sat for several hours more not talking to me. At around one pm, i said to my mum "dinner will be a few minutes" and her reply was "oh you're making dinner are you"? and i said "of course" "why else would i say it will be ready in a minute". I made dinner, we ate, and not one word was said. I thought to myself, what have i done wrong in order for my mum to only talk to me only when she wants something, get the hump with me because i fixed her computer and she couldn't and be ignored all day, what started out as a chilled and relaxed Sunday soon turned in to an uncomfortable rest of the day and i am not even sure what happened. So i ended up going to bed as i felt really uncomfortable, i hope that tomorrow is a better day as i don't want to go through that again, i am almost certain that i did no thing wrong.


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Day 173 of OU studies

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Happy Sunday people, the day that no thing can be done with no bad feeling in doing so. I love my mum with all my being, although, being a live in 24/7 career does take its toll sometimes, it's the little things with me folks, massive gestures of grandeur are not i what need, want or like to make life a little more bearable, just the little things. 

I woke up this morning, well i say morning, i really mean afternoon, it is Sunday after all. I took my meds, fed my kitten, cleaned her litter tray, hoovered the kitchen, hallway, stairs, landing, bathroom and my bedroom, i moped the kitchen, then i sat down for a moment to smoke a roll up before i hoovered and moped the front room. 

As i entered the front room, i said "good morning mum, are you ok?" i was met with "the internet is down, my laptop can not get a signal and i can not use it". After a minute or so i finished my roll up, went over to the laptop, pressed the mouse pad on the computer, the screen lit up, i clicked on the google icon then clicked on the FB icon and her computer came to life, again i was met with "what did you do?", i said i clicked on the FB icon, she replied "no, what did you do?", bearing in mind i done it while she was watching me, i then began to tell her step by step what i had done, "well", she said, "it never done that when i did it", all of what my mother said had a tone that was not particularly kind or welcoming, so i said ok, i don't what to to tell you, and that was that.

And that was our morning interaction, no good morning, no asking if i can take a look at her computer, no thank you for fixing something that she could of fixed herself dad she bothered, just an angry tone that the computer won't work for her, yet it worked for me. My mother has physical conditions that limit her mobility, my mother also has mental health issues that also limit her mobility, i e, low self esteem, anxiety and depression, my mother is capable of doing more than she allows herself to do. 

Part of my time with my mum involves encouraging and motivating her to do what she can, otherwise she will stay on the sofa that she sleeps on for days, it's a daily juggle and pressure that could be made easier with a little more effort from my mum, because it is easy to get caught in the trap of doing absolutely everything for her, to the point where she will actually lay on the sofa for days. This can leave me feeling bad as i feel i maybe being to hard on her, although i genuinely feel that i am not.

Sometimes i feel that i am being manipulated slightly, although when i say that in my mind i feel bad for thinking that, sometimes i feel trapped but then again i feel bad for that too, i wish she would put "just a little" more effort, even now, i feel like my mum is waiting for me to move so that she can ask me to do something for her. I really want to talk to my mum about all this although i do not know how to go about it. 

There have been times when i have plucked up the courage to say "why don't you try for yourself mum" "get a bit of exercise", i am met with a reply that, well it's hard to explain, all i know is that i am left feeling really crappy and i don't want to feel crappy, i am trying so hard to not feel crappy because of my own issues, it's so hard to not feel crappy because of her issues to.

This is why i am so happy that i have learned o be able to write stuff down, because it stops it swirling around in my brain amd manifesting in to negative behaviour.

Right, i have made up my mind, i am not going to sit with this all day, the next time i move and my mum asks me to do something (because it will happen) i will explain all that i have just mentioned, clamley, softley and assertive, as i feel that it is not fare.



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Day 172 of OU studies

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Edited by Casper Smith, Saturday, 20 Mar 2021, 21:28

Happy weekend folks, i do love a weekend, i had a nice lay in and it's time now for weekend breakfast, through the week is healthy breakfast and the weekend is greasy, fatty fry up breakfast. 

The billionaires and trillionaires of this world, gold miners, diamond miners, lithium miners, oil miners and all other mineral miners have a carbon footprint that is thousands of times bigger than the average human, the manufacture of rubber and plastics is still allowed even though hemp could replace them and no severe restraints are put on multinationals, regarding the mass production of materials that do not biodegrade, so there is no way in the world anyone or anything is going to make me feel bad about eating meat, while capitalists are thriving.

if people want to stop eating meat with their head down looking at their mineral packed I phone and think they are making a difference, because the tv says so, then they are as stupid as the as the person who programed the computer model that told them not to meat in the first place. The earth is a living organism and temperatures will rise and decline on its own accord, which makes it ever so easier for those mineral robbing psychopaths to, firstly, claim that global warming is happening and most importantly, it's the everyday human that is creating it,  if the worlds metropolis were gathered together in one place, it would not fill a quarter of Australia, when we think of scores of states in america, Australia, Canada, china, India ect ect, that are the size of germany and have a population that is 10 times as less, it's easy to think that the world is not overpopulated at all, may be groups of a lot of people all crammed in to one place doesn't mean the whole world is overcrowded. 

Remember this people, electric vehicles have been designed because the world is running out of oil, plain and simple, they have not been designed to save the planet, but if the blame can be shifted to the everyday human, then it makes it easier for them to steer us in a direction while we make them rich in the process, stop using google to fill your heads with useless information and start using your common sense.

Ooooppss, i got side tracked and went off on a bit of a tangent, back to weekend chilling, well i have minor chores but that's it. So once again i will be looking for no thing to do all weekend.



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day 171 of OU studies

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Edited by Casper Smith, Friday, 19 Mar 2021, 09:11
Good morning ladies and gentlemen, this week has seen the start of me taking my meds and going to bed at a time i wanted to, waking up at a time i wanted to, attending meetings, both morning and evening and most important of all resisting the temptation to use. I know, where there's an up there's a down and where there's a down there's an up, although i am going to take it for what it is and enjoy the moment as i have had, probably one of the best weeks, dealing with one of the worst subjects, for a very long time.
I would like to thank the people in blog land for your kind words and interaction with me other the last week or so, i know i have said in previous blogs that i am not bothered if people respond or not, it's just that, i have noticed that i have not done this by myself and also i have had a certain strength lately that i can not claim as my own making and i am sure the positivity from virtual friends has had a positive effect of me, from validating and acknowledging to recognising me, i like so many others have had human interaction cut, access to services cut and general freedom cut, and yet in that time, people have still chosen to be kind to me and that my friends, is what some one like me thrives on, so from the bottom of my heart god bless you all and thank you all for taking the time, to not only read my ramblings and giving me kind words too.
The world is a beautiful place and i can not let a few people that have done bad things cloud my judgment on all humans, there are beautiful people out there impacting the world and others in a positive way.


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Day 170 of OU studies

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I'm home now, eating dinner with my mum, today went well, i managed to pack all that was in the front room, only electricals left, plus the corner sofa, all that was in the kitchen is packed, plus white goods, that leaves the tool cupboard, bedroom, bathroom, and hallway. I will be buying a twin wheel box trailer to store all of it and towing the trailer with my camper to my uncle's farm, so, if the worst comes to the worst i will have all i owe safe and sound and waiting for me when i return. 

I have to hope for the best and prepare for the worst, i am quite pleased with myself that i am able to take on such a daunting task without catastrophizing and making things a whole lot worse. I will be talking to the SST tomorrow to see if there is a way i can carry on my studies in prison should the worse come to the worse. I vow, i will not let my ex destroy my life anymore than she has, i will make the best of what i have and turn all endeavours in to positive outcomes, she will not break me, i have truth on my side and faith in the system, Que sera sera, it really is out of my hands.

I'm lucky that i have this lockdown period to spend time with my mum, home really is where ever she is, as much as we can both get up each others noses, there really is no place like home, i really do not know what i would do without her.



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