Personal Blogs

What started off as apprehension having made a start of packing everything in my home, turned out to be not as bad as i thought it would be, obviously it wasn't the best day out i have ever had, although i was able to make a start. i thought that i was living quite a simple life, i didn't realise i had so much stuff until i started to gather it all.10 years of my life being squeezed in to boxes, if i do a little each day it will make less of a task, hopefully it will only be temperamental and i will get to unpack it again when i am believed and my ex will be displayed in public for the liar that she is. 

My dreams are of freedom, no longer under her manipulative reign, free to think of thoughts that are not consumed in doubt and uncertainty, being able to relax in the safety of wondering thoughts that are filled with the  exciting of new plans for my future, free to never hold back because i am gripped with fear twenty four hours a day, and most importantly being able to return back to sanctuary of supporting those with substance misuse issues, as was here promise to me when i left her because i was no longer able to take more of her abuse "i'll make sure you never work your job again" were the words being yelled at me as i turned my back to walk away.

It has taken me almost two years with an obscene amount of professional help to be in a position where i am no longer under her control or scared of her or even feel sorry for her, i know, how bizarre, that i would feel sorry for a woman who destroyed my life in only two years.

The fact that i am able to speak openly about it with no fear of reprisals is astounding and i feel all the better for it. I come from old fashioned people that never cry, never say how they feel, never show weakness and would never admit what i am admitting, "put up and shut up" is a phrase that would bring me great wealth, if only i had a pound for every time i have had it forced in to my mind. I found freedom and liberation from a controlling family, only to give myself to a controlling partner, but unlike the power i gave to my family which made it easier to break me, she will never break me, regardless of the outcome at court.

WWG1WGA

Well, i had my assessment with Connect Health Pain Services yesterday and i was supplied with a few links to help live with and manage chronic pain, Live Well with Pain, Pain Concern and Coffee Break Pain Management on youtube. So i have lots of information that i will be submerging my mind in to ready to share on a zoom group with fellow sufferer's of chronic pain. 

Trying to concentrate on this, run my own home, tend to my substance misuse recovery, CPTSD, BDP, live in care for my mother, deal with false allegations from my abusive ex, and try to undertake a degree, all proved to be way too much for my simple mind to handle and there had to be some give, as the degree seemed to be the only luxury, it made sense that a sacrifice had to made.

I genuinely feel alot better having made that sacrifice, it has relieved so much pressure and enabled me to fully concentrate on the important fundamentals of my life. I'm so happy that i am still able to use this blog even though i have deferred, i know i shouldn't but i have come to rely on this blog, it has become a safe place for me to talk about whatever i choose whenever i choose.

I do not take part in social media, i do not use S-M-A-R-T (Secret Militarised Armaments Residentiel Technologies) or buy products from the internet, i make sure my internet use is minimal and always switched off when not in use, so i feel 100 percent safe expressing my thoughts and feelings without fear from the information tyrants selling me to whatever corrupt capitalist cronies they choose, so that they can continue to reign supreme, because the thought of amozon or such companies getting dollar one of my money, while i hear people say that so many companies are going bankrupt, makes me sick to the pit of my stomach.

Anyway, back to the control and care of myself, geeze, i do know how to run away on a tangent hehe, well, if certain people didn't suck, then i wouldn't have to, yeah, that's right, i'm blaming them, then running away.

WWG1WGA

I do love a weekend, the only days of the week where i actively look for naff all to do and not feel bad for it, any slower and i'll be going backwards, the days of trying to keep busy or constentley looking for something to do are long gone. I remember asking people what are they up to over the weekend and i could almost sense shame as they told me "oh i'm not up to anything", "i have no thing to do", and me being the analyser that i am, i confront them with my observation in order to understand.

At first, if its someone i am not that common with, people are shocked and a little defensive at why i have seemed to ask a bizarre questions, once i explain my psychology they seem a little more keen to answer, although they are always hesitant to answer, almost as if they think it's a trick question or they refuse to acknowledge my observations, claiming that, how on earth could i try to think that i know about them. It's an interesting interaction but i stick with it, eventually and i mean eventually, a regular conversation about my observations are able to take place. 

Every time i have found myself in this position, every reaction is the same, with relatively new people i know and when i ask people i am more familiar with, again, every reaction differs to above mentioned, although they are exactly the same as each other.

Out of the two groups, all are defensive at first, the group i barely know are a little more defensive and it takes a little longer to be able to conversate regularly about my observational question. The group that i am more familiar with, know what i am i like so they try to take part the best they can, some can't be bothered and tell me "go away with your psycho babble, your doing my nut in" as it is a running joke that i am always observing them and coming up with some kind of analytical experiment that drives them nuts, haha.

A common theme among all who i dragged in to my games and who were willing to answer, is that people feel compelled to come across active and busy, as they perceive an active and busy life is a more interesting life that will attract a response which will help that person to feel connected and will help that person to feel better about themselves, as a busy life, talking about what someone has or where someone has been, is more interesting and diverts from a more primitive interaction. 

As opposed to having no thing to say to each other because someone has chosen to do no thing and perceives themselves to be boring or feel they will come across as boring, uninteresting and disconnected, as though they feel compelled to talk for talking sake and avoid an uncomfortable silence, which, when we bare in mind only 7 percent (or thereabouts) of human interaction is verbal, why is so much emphasis, importance and pressure put on what we choose, or what we choose not to say to each other. 

I feel i have just answered my question and then asked the question again, welcome to the workings of my mind. I understand more now why i chose to study Social Science.

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If realised assessment banking would have this effect on me, i would of done it months ago. The stress release is awesome, i can focus on me now with no pressure from any one or anything and if my mental health relapses at least i will not be jeopardising my studies or add to the relapse worrying about my studies. I have picked out several Open Learn courses that suit, so i won't turn in to a numb nut. 

Now i have more brain power to deal with my ex and her false allegations, for the first time ever i am no longer scared of her and i do not feel sorry for her, so bring on, i will hold my head high and i'll show you for the manipulating, abusive, controlling liar that you are. My saving grace is that i have truth on my side, so i just have to have faith in the system and take time to breath.

WWG1WGA

Well folks, i am officially deferred and under the process of student banking, gutted is the only word i can think of. I remember starting this course towards the end of 2019 and the feeling was awesome, i genuinely believed i could take over the world, 

unfortunately i did not account for certain family members and their potential to knock me off my perch, and he certainly did take the wind out of my sails. As a result of my brothers role in my diagnosis for CPTSD, i found myself in a bizarre position of living in caring for my Mother, whilst interacting with my brother each time he would call, and having to facilitate video visit's, as my brother is in prison for murder. 

Normally, i live alone and i am in control of who knocks at my door and who rings my phone, unfortunately i do not have the same control at my mums house. As a result i would find myself confiding in my brother, in the hope i would would get some support and understanding, instead i get my brother's orders of how to live my life mixed in with his anger, rage and frustration, if i did not act on his orders. 

Needless to say that my brothers attempt to switch from aggressor to counselor had an adverse affect on me, and would leave me complexed as to how i found myself in this situation again. 

Because i had little self respect i would put up with these actions in the hope that one day my brother will treat me how i wished and we could get along and live happily ever after, well folks, because i was living in emotional mind i was unable to see the rationality and logic to the situation and i would allow the disappointment to create disorder in my own life. 

Ever Since i have managed to radically accept the concept that my brother is never going to treat me as i would like and that i should take the relationship for what it is, i have been able to terminate the relationship with him, the only sad thing is, that all this happened while i was in the middle of my OU studies. 

I am a very simple person at heart, i desire the basics and simplicity of the fundamentals in life, these really are all i strive for, i care not for being the smartest, richest, biggest or bestests (i know bestests is nit a word), and when left to my devices, i simply live in peace and relative silence, i volunteer my time to those who have substance misuse issues, i care for my mum and kitten and thats me, happy go lucky.

I can not multitask, my mental health can not manage different fingers in different pies, i really am a 'one thing at a time' person. I feel it is only right to press pause on my studies while i deal with my emotional family life, i have until October to install the positive feelings i had at the beginning of my studies and put to rest 'once and for all' the negative interaction that i have with my brother, which if i am honest is becoming easier as time goes by.

My mental health comes first, my physical health comes first and for the first time in my life, i believe i come first.

I am still going to write this blog as this process has been awesome and really helped me express and get rid of thoughts, feelings and emotions as they come, as opposed to bottling things up, knowing that i have pressed paused on my studies has given me an instant feeling of release and i genuinely feel lighter.

WWG1WGA

It's at this time of year that the birds start to wake me up, i can clearly hear them talking to each other outside my window, plus the lady who lives across the road has chickens, they join is as well, although, i think it's a bit to early for them. The chickens are not that old, as the lady who owns them knocked on my Mother's door once and said that she had a flatpack delivery from argos and would i mind putting it together for her, i told her my Mother had ordered chinese food and once i had eaten i would pop over. When i did eventually get to go call on her, her baby chickens were the first thing she showed me 'they were pretty awesome'.

The lady has horses, two in fact, she rides one and her daughter rides the other, her daughter takes part in events and she seemed quite happy to show me her rossetts and i love horse, so i was more than happy to look and listen, so we talked about them for a while, as i attempted to construct the flat pack. It was kind of cool at the time, covid had just been forced on us, everything seemed bleak and confusing and yet out of that a friendship formed, i managed to put together the flatpack , which turned out t be a bookcase for the daughters bedroom.

Today i will be talking to the SST to see what i can salvage from the last 5 months of studies, i have struggled with CPTSD to often over the last few months and as a result, i have fallen behind further that i would of liked, i have been in touch with the SST and my tutor ever since i started to struggle, so they are both aware of my issues, fingers crossed we can all come with a resolution that works best for all of us, the goal would be for me to take a break, seek support for my issues and rejoin in october, although i am unaware what the  possibilities of achieving that are, all i can do is tell them about my issues and see what they suggest.

WWG1WGA

I think i have to put off the inevitable and talk to the SST tomorrow, i will start talks about pressing pause on my studies so far this year and maybe joining the course  and pressing play at the same point next year. I feel i may have falling behind to the extent where i may not be able to catch up and in the stress and panic of trying to catch up, that may affect scores on future TMA's.

The last several months have have been particularly difficult and i may not have been able to successfully control my mental health disorders, as i would have liked. I have been very unstable and  have not responded well to triggers, triggers for CPTSD, triggers for BPD and triggers for substance misuse. 

Within these sets of triggers, are a list of things that i do to avoid those triggers. I have no photos in my home, as photos can take my mind out of reality, back to the past and away from trying to stay present.

I listen to music with no words, classical, jazz and drum and bass, as music with words can create past thoughts and emotions,that will take me back to a traumad place, which also takes me out of the reality and away from living in the present, 

I do not watch tv, listen to radio, read newspapers or magazines as these also can do the same. I do not celebrate anniversaries of any kind, birthdays, death days, funerals, weddings any anniversary that has the ability to take me away from trying to live in the present, I recognise my thoughts of them, acknowledge my thoughts of them, and then let them go. 

I do not drink coffee, or smoke, i battle daily with substance misuse and i try not to stimulate or depress my central nervous system and mind artificially, i try actions and practices that create natural chemicals within me.

I very much try to put myself in circle that are solution focused and stay away from toxic relationships and people that have a problem for every solution.

If at any moment i fail at any time abstaining from triggers, all of the above mentioned have the potential to ignite thoughts, feelings and emotions of past traumas, which have the ability to challenge my ability to regulate my thoughts feelings, emotions and behaviours and as a result bring about disorder that will affect almost every aspect of my life, negatively. 

Its needless to say that after i have spent a day attending to possible triggers, i am tired, and when i have spent a week doing this i am knackered, we move on to a month like this and i am worn out, a year passes and i become weak, and after a decade doing this, i can struggle with the will the live.

Well ladies and gentleman, i was fortunate enough to be born in to misery, in fact, i was concepted in misery, i am 46 now, which means i have spent my entire life attending to myself and i am still here, still work in progress, still solution focused and still not a victim.

My only hope is that the OU recognises this and cuts me break, it would be a shame to waste 5 months of studies, in fact, i will not let the last months become a waste, woebetied any one who tries to make waste of it.

I am only human and i can only try, one thing i promise you chicks and chaps i “Quocunque Jeceris Stabit”.

WWG1WGA

Yesterday i struggled to cope with my CPTSD, as i had a series of triggers that provoked intense emotions, related to past traumatic events, my miss management of these intense emotions caused disorder to the regular emotional regulation routine of my day. 

For those who dont know Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is caused when a constant series of traumatic events over a sustained period of time, provoke intense emotions that can not be regulated to the point they cause disorder, as opposed to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, which refers to a single traumatic event.

A 'trigger' is a series of events that provoke thoughts that relate to the past traumatic event, i.e. a soldier thats now in civi's is in kwik fit and hears an exhaust bang, he automatically thinks of guns and bombs during war time and starts to feel the same traumatic emotions as he did in battle, which if not regulated, these emotions can provoke actions that are not considered social norms i.e. disorder, depending on how these thoughts, feelings and emotions are regulated, has a direct impact on the severity of his actions and the severity of the disorder, i.e. aggression, depression, distress, anxiety it can trigger the fight, flight, freeze or fawn, fight or flight is a common misconception, its actually Fight, Flight, Freeze or Fawn, these are the four responses to traumatic events or event. 

In my case case where my traumas were a prolonged series of abusive, aggressive, and violent traumas, when i am triggered (thought provoking) i.e. confrontation, police sirens, doors slamming, large rowdy crowds, some one shouting at me, being aggressive people fighting, any shock or surprised, unplanned event, even simple things like, certain music, certain films, places and smells, can lead to reliving the emotions of past abusive, aggressive, and violent traumas, this can lead to Fight, Flight, Freeze or Fawn, which mean that, if i can not regulate and manage them, there is the high potential that disorder will occur.

The reason i have started to describe 'what' 'when' 'why' and 'how', i s to try and create an understanding amongst people who may not be a wear, please do not think its a sob story or even that i think people are thick and dont know, i believe if we , or i, just keep repeating the word 'mental health' then no one really gets to understand.

And if i am to be totally honest with you, expressing how i think and feel, in written form is a brand new concept for me, although it is having a positive effect on my mental well being and i am actually starting to enjoy the whole process and coming from the world in which i come from, that is a massive break through for me, although, i will always be, work in progress

WWG1WGA

Being the youngest of seven and being born into a Romany Gypsy career criminal family, meant that while i was taken out of Scholl at 13 and made to work for nothing plus being charged rent to live at their home and i would get to see my brother get arrested, go to court and finally go to prison for crimes funded and glamourized by father. Whenever my brother was on ROTL (Released On Temporary Licence) (home leave) i  would be made to stay at the house and do chores and stuff for my father while he took my brother shopping to by him clothes, trainers, radios, shoes and basically anything he needed to make his life more comfortable upon his return to prison, plus i would have to sit and watch them both on their return, show off and brag about the things my brother had been bought, how amazing he was and their next criminal conquest. 

This my friends is the difference between the black sheep and the blue eyed boy in my families twisted and dysfunctional way of communicating and connecting with one another, my father would physically, mentally, emotionally and verbally abuse me on a daily basis, his explanation for this was 'i wanted you to know what it felt like to be me, so you understand the way i am'. My father would extremely over compensate for his abuse with the ability to throw money at it, in order to mask his behaviour and to help get rid of his guilt, but once he was abusive again it would be taken back, sold or smashed, this was a never-ending cycle that lasted from the time i was given back to my family at five years old, from  TNCH (The National Children's Home), i had been their since i was 18 months old.

He would by such things as hand made BMX bikes, which would mean we would have BMX's that were the only one of their kind and converted coaches, in which we would travel Europe and race every weekend from 1980-1985, he would take us on trips to Mississippi for up to five - eight weeks at a time to see his fathers sister, in 11 years we spent total 3 and a half years travelling the southern states of America, in our street he was the first to have mobile phones, video cameras, huge screen tv's, nintendos, saga mega drives, satellite dishes that rotated, big American trucks, swimming pools and bars in our houses, dripping in hand made platinum, gold and diamond jewellery, go karts, moto x bikes, i would come home from school, hungry because i had not eaten all day, dirty in my mish mash school uniform as i was made to buy my own, and i would be greeted with my few friends from school, even a girlfriend at one time, all laughing and joking, listening to them tell me how great my dad was, plus listen to my dad tell me good things about them and why could i be like them. 

This twisted nature would be played across my family and not before long, i was known and accepted as the black sheep and my brother was the special one, the most recent example i can give you is when my brother murdered some one in 2007, there was a long feud with my brother and the victim, my brother even rung people up, went to their house and told them that he done it, the point i am making is that it was clear to any one in my town with half a brain that my brother was guilty, but some how he managed to pursued my uncle to pay 100's of thousands of pounds to solicitors, barristers and silks (QC's)  to plead my brothers innocents during his murder trial, not only his trial but his appeal once he was found guilty, for which his appeal was rejected "BECAUSE HE FUCKNG MURDERED SOME ONE. But thats not all, my brother is due for release in two years "and what does my uncle do for him"? gets my mum to leave her house to him in her will, so that he has somewhere to go when he gets out of prison, I'm training to be a Social Scientist, its just as well, because  "why" "when" "where" "how"  and "what the fuck" , get your head around that. 

There is a strange myth that surrounds my family and it goes like this, my brother appears to be unlucky at court, bearing in mind my brother was a career criminal and every time he was arrested was because he got caught for what he done and therefor go to prison afterwards, receiving notoriety and acclaim from my farther and family along the process, it is this that my twisted family interpreted as 'unlucky at court' "NO YOU FUCKTARDS, HE COMMITED A CRIME AND GOT CAUGHT, THATS JUSTICE, YOU BRAINDEAD BUNCH OF FUCKS, but wait, your are my family, i am supposed to love you, please love me back"."im sorry"

Now i can struggle a lot to understand that, but what keeps me awake at night is "read Day five of OU studies" on my blog and you will get the whole picture, although i will break it down for you.

Almost three years ago my ex spent almost two years coercively abusing my, rein acting my brother and my father's abuse, it ended with her stabbing me, well thats what i thought, later, because i could not take no more and i left her, she made false allegations against me, which are brutal and if i am not believed i stand to loose my home, my career, my kitten, and bearing in mind i am the sole live in career for my mum and have been since covid started, i genuinely stand to loose everything, i have been living in hell and fear for almost two years, since leaving her i have been diagnosed with two mental health disorders and a psychosomatic chronic neverwet condition, i take a total of 16 tablets a day, i spend the majority of my day, scared, lost, petrified and uncertain of my future. So after a long time of struggling to reach out and speak "because i genuinely can not take any fucking more, i went to my uncle to ask for help, and he said no.

WWG1WGA

Well, i have four days  to continue reading information sources that are relevant to TMA04, (How migrants are defined makes a difference’. Drawing on material from the ‘Connecting Lives’ strand, explain how different kinds of evidence are used to support this claim). Then make a start on preparing a response.

As is my nature to leave things to the last nature, i have proven that i am not willing to change just yet, although, and this is no excuse, i lost several weeks due to my lack of skills in terms of subsisting a balanced pattern of productive mental health.

All said and done, i will be catapulting myself at my study books in the AM, and piecing together all the components of the TMA puzzle, "wish me all the best" as i would bet my bollox to a barn dance that i will need all the best,

Typical me, my mind choose to stop terrorising me 4 days before the final cut off date to a TMA, never mind, it could be worse.

I've done it, i said the word 'sustainable', "here i go off on a rant now" "hold tight for a fast ride" "the louder you scream the faster we go" "when the red light flickers hold on to ya knickers" i can not stand buzz words, phrases or topics that political correctness forces on us, so i try my best to avoid any use of them, my saving grace is that i never said it in relation to the planets change of temperature. The day i rely on a tv, newspaper, google or any smart device for an educational apparatus to help me think, feel, talk, know what to care about, what to hate and when to do all of those things, is a very sad day for me. 

I like to believe that as a human being, i have all i need to rely on, my own ability. self sufficiency, common sense, intuition, the other 21 senses we as humans have, my own creative source, in using this most powerful tool of a brain and a mind, that will all be smooshed together and give me the ability to think for myself.

And guess what folks, we all have that, it is a bizarre concept that we as beings, the superior race, the top of the food chain, the genius, the high IQ and most intelligent of all, are governed by a tv, radio, smart device or news paper. 

And for that reason folks, I'm out.

Rant over.

WWG1WGA

I seem to have a crazy propensity to leave things to the last minute, i could have all the time in the world and yet i doodle along like a fart in a trance, happy as Larry, right up until the day before, when I'm hit like a cattle prod "wacky wacky hands off snaky" and then I'm in a crazy rush to get stuff done.

 At school, the closer i lived, the later i would be, and work, the closer i lived the later i would be "cant get my nut around that one". 

Well at least I'm not using and my mental health is stable and if i am honest, they are the important things, its took 46 years to grasp that concept, no thing or no one comes before my sanity and i swear as long as my Daddies dead, i genuinely do not give a sand covered crabs c+@t who it is or what it is, if it affects my mental health, your getting snooped and dropped like your hot. 

There are some things about myself that i can not change and i learn to live with, which reflects on what  AA abide by and can also be a cattle prod, if i loose my way, referring to the highlighted part.

All in all, today is a good day, i have all i need and those small mercies have just smooched in next to me on the recliner, so I'm blessed, if only for today.

I am not governed by AA, i will accept any model for recovery and remain open minded, to be honest with ya, if you was dressed as a chicken, doing the hokey cokey down the Holloway road, promoting abstinence, i would gladly smooch up behind you and do the hokey cokey with you.

Take care people and be lucky yeah.

The Full Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity

To accept the things I cannot change;

Courage to change the things I can;

And wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;

Enjoying one moment at a time;

Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;

Taking, as He did, this sinful world

As it is, not as I would have it;

Trusting that He will make things right

If I surrender to His Will;

So that I may be reasonably happy in this life

And supremely happy with Him

Forever and ever in the next.

Amen.