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C J

Day 144 of OU studies

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Today has been one of the best days i have had in a long time, a lot of time spent radically accepting, showing gratitude, reaching out, making amends, being receptive of help and support offered, taking myself out of the victim role and accepting responsibility. 

I think i will sleep better tonight knowing that i tried and was successful at making an attempt to stand up to my mental health issues along with tackling my substance misuse issues. 

As much as i was taught that the world was a nasty place and people in the world were also nasty, the best thing about the end of an emotional or substance relapse is the realisation that the world is a beautiful place and there most certainly are beautiful people out there and most importantly, the realisation and acceptance that it is not the world or people that change, what changes is the way i see myself which i transfer over.

I can not escape my role as the self monitoring coach that is always trying to self develop to the best of my abilities, my drive to know, understand and manage myself, is relentless, its not obsessive, just something i take very serious. 

In fact i enjoy the process of encountering mini epiphanies that let me know that i understand myself that little bit more, that will enable me to be a better version of myself, the transformation can be a little overwhelming at times, if i can make it through the day, doing nothing that will keep me up at night, then I'm winning.



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C J

Day 144 of OU studies

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I have come to realise that entering an academic world, means that i must accept the academic people that come with it, for some bizarre reason i have entered this new world while still holding on the world i am trying to escape from. Within this holding on, it has meant i have locked horns with the very people i am trying to learn from, after all, i am entering their world. 

So in order for me to get the best for myself, i will adopt the attitude that i am at the very beginning of my OU studies and it would serve me better if i were to acknowledge that. And not only learn from the OU, learn from the active students that still use this blog, who between them all, have a history of university studies that cover scores of years, and if i am honest, i am lucky to have access to. 

There is a wealth of knowledge amongst the students who use this blog, which is quite phenomenal really, that are ready to give advise about OU life, i could engage with properly and instead of me trying to drag them in to my world 'give up the ghost' and allow myself to enter their world.

I had an appointment with the safeguarding team this morning, thy were very helpful and supportive and provided me with some links to help me on my way. My confidence levels are rising, with the help and support from all. I am sure that my new attitude will help me get to where i want to be in a more grateful and pleasant manor, and who knows, maybe makes some friends along the way.



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C J

Day 144 of OU studies

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Edited by Casper Smith, Tuesday, 23 Feb 2021, 21:37

I am managing to regain a functioning mental health status that is proving to be more positive than in recent times, i am happy to say that the insecurities i was feeling regarding my Mother have disappeared, these insecure feelings can lead to bizarre thoughts that only serve to propel my depression in to darker depths.

How could i doubt my Mothers love, how could i doubt my Mothers care for me, looking back, its ridiculous that i could think such thoughts, as is the power of the mind i guess, as well as it is powerful is positive ways, it can serve to be powerful in a negative way also.

I find it hard to show weakness in front of my Mother, as my Mother has her story too, i have learned to be more honest as i go, as opposed to smiling, nodding and portending that things are OK until a build up causes an out burst and we know out bursts are no good for any one.

I think i am getting to the stage where i will be able to  undertake some studies, i have an appointment with the safeguarding team at the SST tomorrow and i am pretty sure that after that i will be feeling confident enough to get the books out and engage fully.

The process of having my mental health issues highlighted in such a way, as i have been able to voice it on this blog as it happens, has been a process of therapy that i never thought i would undertake and, i believe it has proven to help me, in terms of catastrophising and prolonging episodes of mental health break down.

I am, and always have been a speaker, i need to voice what's on my mind as i have always had detrimental  consequences put upon me when i attempt to bottle things up and hold them in, i am very grateful to have stumbled upon the OU blog, which has allowed me to express, reflect and look back at patterns, changes and the general monitoring of my thoughts, feelings and actions in different situations, i may not have always acted the way i would of liked to, although this written form of communicating allows me to see what adjustments i can make that go towards that never ending learning process that is life.



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Day 143 of OU studies

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Edited by Casper Smith, Monday, 22 Feb 2021, 14:11

Well, i have managed to tell my brother that i am no longer able to get from him what i need in order to make me feel comfortable having a relationship with him, if i am honest, i never said it quite as polite, i did swear and it was not as ordered as i would of liked but nether the less i managed to get my point of view across to him. I know i owe him nothing but i felt more comfortable letting him know my decision and why, i felt it only fair.

He came back at me with a comment that was set to plant a seed in my mind for future dwelling, as can be the spiteful nature of my family, up until a certain point, myself included, anyway, i managed to get some clarification from my Uncle about said seed that my brother planted and he put my mind at ease.

Now, with that issue said and done and a point in the right direction from a virtual acquaintance yesterday, i feel my mental health is a t a stable point, my tutor was kind enough to give me an extension on TMA04 and as for now i feel i have a fair crack of the whip to be getting on with.

I know that this all sounds quite trivial to the readers, as for me being in this position, it is not often i go through a mental episode live and direct and get to manage it with out sabotaging myself, plans, goals and dreams in the process and causing minimal damage to myself and those unfortunate enough to care for me at the time.

I am able to express myself on a public platform, with out any fear of any kind and i am very grateful for that, the journey continues for self management and the apologies are there for those i have offended along the way, the OU, academia, diaries, journals, blogs, public speaking about private matters, communicating in written form are all brand new concepts for me, i want to learn a new, i am willing and able to learn a new, and i will not give into the old, thank you all those who put up with my rants, forgive me for all those i have offended, and thank you to those who have helped me.

I feel massively blessed to be allowed this chance to help me start over so, DSA, SFE, OU, Ergonomics, students and tutors, thank you all for this opportunity.



WWG1WGA 




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C J

Day 142 of OU studies

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Edited by Casper Smith, Monday, 22 Feb 2021, 12:44

Today has got progressively better as its gone on, for someone like me who spends a lot of time hoping around with a foot in my mouth, its rare that someone has the skill set and the ability or indeed the time to see through it and take the time to explain to me in a constructive and effective way. 

But when it does happen, its a goose bump moment for sure, it means heaps and allows learning on my part, most people end up offended and cease to talk to me, every now and then a person comes along who understands and gets it, those people are rare and have a skill set that most of the time goes unrecognised, well i recognise those people because those people have what money cant buy and what Universities can not teach, nine times out of ten it comes from seeing the shitty side of life and not being beaten by it, which goes towards building a persons wisdom and EQ.

I'd like to say thank you to those people, thank you for going against the stereotype of misunderstood people who feel demonised because they struggle with mental health, and that for me folks is priceless, those people are a special kind of people, its one thing to recognise mental health because the tv says so, and its another thing to recognise mental health because you recognise suffering and your empathy comes as easy as the regularity of breathing, its these people that can make a difference to man staying in bed not washing and eating, to having their faith restored to the point that man says 'fuck it' i can get out of bed today, i can change, even if its only for today, i can. 

God bless those people.



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Day 142 of OU studies

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Edited by Casper Smith, Monday, 22 Feb 2021, 12:43

Another sleepless night, wrapped in warped thoughts that replace their selves consistently in a never-ending cycle of thinking, mindfulness wont cut it, DBT skills are churned up by the thought cyclone and left in pieces as the thought cyclone continues to destruct whatever i put in its place to regain some kind of control. 

All that i hold dear and all that is important i can clearly see, trickling past me as i battle with my own mind, its so fucking horrible, i hate it, powerless to the destruction that my mind creates and yet i am held prisoner in the front row, with the best view and made to watch every second, eyes wide open 'popcorn' 'peanuts'.

I wish i could say 'i dont understand', i wish i could say, 'there was a red mist', i wish i could say 'i blacked out', i wish i did not know, and i could hide behind ignorance being bliss, but for some perverse, sadomasochist reason, i do know, there is no red mist, i did not black out and the knowledge of what is happening to me eats me away as i genuinely do not have a clue how to change it and i really want it to stop it now, please stop and leave me alone, just for a  little while, give me a break, i dont care if you come come back, just let me live in some kind of peace for  some kind of time, i know i have been an armhole in my life, but even i dont think i deserve this mental terror.

The background noise is Georges Bizets 'Carmen on Sydney Harbour' an opera based on the joined fates of a fiery Gypsy Carmen and Don Jost, a naïve corporal, how bizarre, i feel calm, in my message i was crying and wiping away mess from my nose, but now, now i feel calm, i have no idea what they are singing about, I'm' lead in to no thought, just carried away, i will take my medication now and close my eyes, who knows, maybe i will sleep now. 

Take care.



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C J

Day 141 of OU studies

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Edited by Casper Smith, Monday, 22 Feb 2021, 12:43

My emotional regulation inability "that comes with An Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder/Borderline Personality Disorder EUPD/BDP, twinned with the break from being silenced most of my life due to family members control, is turning out to not being a good mix. 

The catalyst of my fathers murder and my brothers murder conviction, which freed me from living under their spell, has only seemed to serve myself being cut out from the regularity of human communication, and started the process of being able to join in on the regularity of human communication.

I have gone from one extreme to the other, constantly being told to shut up, toped with a criminals code of silence being thrust upon me, "trust no one" tell no one nothing", this has left me leaping from complete and utter silence, to the free feeling of being able to say what i like, when i like, to who i like. This to has implications, so i have to "find my grey" as the therapists say. Instead of jumping from black to white (one extreme to the other) i have to get to know my grey (find the middle ground).

Today, i find myself analysing what i say before i say it, being frustrated in having to analyse what i say before i say it, struggling with speaking from my wise mind as opposed to my emotional mind, apologising for being judgemental, deleting posts, being embarrassed for comments i have made and feeling massively disconnected from people of which i feel so desperate to communicate with and then having to go through the whole process again in the hope i get it right next time.

Trying to replace all i have learned from a dysfunctional family, is without doubt the hardest thing i have ever had to do in my life, i am constantly drained as the energy it takes is overwhelming, if i give up i am forced to live with the consequences that come from trusting no one and keeping things bottled up from this common misconception that has been drilled in to me, and if i do not give up, i make mistakes along the way, for which i find myself regretting and its almost shameful at times.

Nether the less, i will continue my battle, as the thought of not trying to better myself gives me visions of a possible out come of my life that resembles my Fathers and Brothers, i am not saying i am better than them or i am more superior, or even that they did not have good qualities, its just that i dont want to experience their consequences, which i feel are there for me if i do not make the right choices. 

There seems to be no break from self development or self realisation, i have spent my entire life trying to repair the damage that was caused from my being taught to live a life that is so contrasted from what is social acceptable. The pressure i find myself under has impacted my body to the point i have a chronic nerve condition that is psychosomatic, i feel damned if i do, damned if i dont, i am 46 and i feel like i am 86. The only sense i can make of it is, that, i am going through this for a reason, the trouble is, working out what that reason is, i sure do hope i get to do that, as i am tired, tired of the daily mind battle just to live, just to make it through the day in order to wake up and start the process over again.

I know things could be worse and i know there are others who suffer to, to be honest, i have never quite understood that concept 'there are others suffering to' as that seems to depress me further, i never have got comfort from knowing that others suffer.


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Day 141 of OU studies

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Edited by Casper Smith, Monday, 22 Feb 2021, 12:42

Don't you just love the delete button? Well i do anyway, as i have an inability which cancels out my thought process before i speak, so i end up saying exactly what i think with no thought of how it may come across to whoever chooses to read it, it is only after the buzz has gone that i look back and think, shit, i did it again, and once again i end up relying on the delete button until i think of what i should of said instead.

For example, i blamed academic studiers for not being able to think for their selves, constantly quoting someone else in order to come across as clever, never coming up with their own philosophies that life has taught them, and just generally talking shit, now we can all guess the bit i said that made me hit the delete button?

It genuinely seems that all the blogs i read, involve some one repeating some one else and i am not sure why this is the case, how am i supposed to form any kind of respect for them as being n independent thinker, when all they have done, is read a book and now adopt the attitude of the reader. 

What seems most apparent to me since i started this academic journey, it seems to take away peoples ability to create their own philosophies, as we enter a new age, we seem be taught how to repeat stuff that is, days, weeks, months, years, decades, or even centuries old, maybe its evolution, building off from what was there before, but even if that is the case, why is nothing changing for the better.

Example 1.

elon musk, we are taught to believe that he is a genius of the present time, i see him as capitalist freak, who robs ideas from real genius, in order to gain notoriety and material wealth. We all know he calls one of his companies 'Tesla' which to be fair, i believe is an insult to  one of the greatest thinking minds of all times, and while this man pushed  to create free energy for, we have the disgusting likes of mr musk, who might i add is not even in the same category and who can only dream of being half the man Nikola was, take full advantage of the great work that was done before him, rip it off in order to profit, all the while, the general public think he is amazing, how is this allowed to happen. 

This mr musk muppet man has so much money and such a following that i believe that he could genuinely make a difference to the world we live in, but no, the frikin freak who lives in cookoo land wants to move to Mars and redecorate, fuck mars freakoid, we are being treated and scared to death on a daily basis that the world we live on is falling apart. And the same goes with jeff fucktard bezos, between the both of them they are spending billions annually to neglect a planet we live on, while they preach the world is failing, WHILE TAKING YOUR MONEY, basically every time you buy from  amozon and paypal, YOU FUND THEM, while spouting political correctness and bragging on how your meat is locally sourced, was your i phone locally sorced?

Now if this universities only teach you to go along with this, then how clever are you, I'm being totally honest now, but i thought i was learning a new language that was going to help to fit in, and what has been advertised by what i have seen and read so far, makes me believe even more, that becoming what i have read about so far scares the shit out of me. I would rather go hungry and walk the streets than fit in to this club.

With quotes, and labels like lefties and righties, constant arguments about politicians and a narcissistic collection of studied courses and books read, that only seem to make us more dumber than what were before, an attention seeking need for approval and a hunger to arm wrestle over IQ.

How clever we could be? How stupid we are?



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C J

Day 140 of OU studies

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Edited by Casper Smith, Friday, 19 Feb 2021, 14:41

3am and my head is field with confusion, trying to work how the twisted dynamics of my family work, which enables the blue eyed boy in my family, better know as my Brother, who commits murder and still manages to rein supreme. Given everything he wants all the way through his 13 years behind bars, a constant flow of money, designer clothes, designer sunglasses, money and drugs to support his lifestyle in prison, not only is he given everything he wants, a listen ear to what ever he wants to talk about and whenever he wants to talk about his issues. 

His children are taken on thousands of pounds shopping sprees, people in my family are made to run errands for his children, make sure that they have Christmas and birthday presents, his family have to not only support him but his children as well, basically doing anything that he asks, along with my brothers superior rein, he is given a house worth two hundred thousand pound, so that he has somewhere to live when he comes out and a place for his children to stay, which will be his upon my Mothers death.  

Now, as for me, being the black sheep of the family, the runt of the litter, the youngest, i have grown up being told to shut up all the time as i do not know anything and bearing in mind i suffer fom BPD, CPTSD. i am struggling with substance misuse issues, means that i should give up my life and live with my Mother for the last year, My mother is 73 of very high spirit, has all her marbles present and correct and is certainly no bodies fool, she suffers from guilt, or at least she seems to for the way in which her husband (my farther) treated us (her children).

 My Mothers physical health is not to good and as a result i do the cooking, cleaning, mopping, hoovering, bathrooms, washing clothes, washing dishes, shopping, D I Y, making coffee, getting drinks, help her shower, change her bed, get her cigarettes, take care of the garden, renew her insurance so she does not get ripped off, go halves with her when it comes to any bill for her car, be responsible for the cars, which in the year i have been living with her comes to at least two thousand pounds, paint and decorate her house, apply for blue badges, so my mum can park in disabled space,. make sure my Mother has a bath lift, so she is able to get in and out safely, as opposed to me h physically help her, which does not help my Mother keep her dignity. spoil her for Christmas and birthdays, pay rent for staying with her and run any errand she asks. My Mother does not lift a finger.

Only to be reward with no right to talk about how i feel or my issues, when i do i am told to shut up, have rolled at me, while listening to tuts and sighs and the new one is for her to put the cushion over her head, i am not allowed to express myself or talk about the symptoms of my illnesses and i have no interest shown in my life what so ever.

I am not sure how much longer i can cope under this regime, as its really having a negative effect on my mental health, which effects my OU studies, my self harm, my substance missus, my will to eat wash and wake in the morning.

I am getting pretty desperate.



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Day 139 of OU studies

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Edited by Casper Smith, Thursday, 4 Mar 2021, 04:39

The last two days have been very challenging, i am coming to terms with the fact that certain family member are having a negative impact on my mental state, the hard thing about it is that one of those people are my Mother, the very same person who has just told me she needs me and the same person who has adopted me has her live in 24/7 career for the last 12 months. 

The struggles of my mental health are worsened due to the fact that i am not allowed to talk about how i feel, when i am asked if i am alright, i am shut down when i start to answer and when it come to any emotional issues i am ignored, shut down and become someone who endures being tutted at and the rolling of the eyes.

Although i am still expected to do everything for my Mother, even though my Mother is capable of so much more than she allows her self to, it literally comes down to, as long as my Mum gets what she wants then nothing else matters. 

During this lockdown i have come to see a different side to My Mother and brother and i really do not like this side of them, although it has been easier for me to come to the conclusion that i really need to cut them from my life, as my mental health comes first, as i do not benefit much from my relationship with them, in anything i loose.

It's time i start winning.



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Day 137 of OU studies

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It wold appear that my life today is resembling some kind of normality which is awesome, no dramas, no cravings, no emotional relapses and no stress of any kind. If anything, a recent family breakdown in communications had lead to some clarity and no confusement. 

I have a good support system (quality not quantity) and the recent break down in communication with a certain family member has clarified that i will no longer be banging my head against the wall, while i wait/expect acknowledgment, recognition and understanding from any one in my family, now i simply rely on the support system i have to obtain acknowledgment, recognition and understanding, who might i add are able to provide in abundance.

Being able to accept my family for who and what they are has released the burden and pressure of trying to get them to accept me for who and what i am, if the 46 years i have shared with them is proving fruitless, then i dare say that the next 46 years will prove fruitless to.

Radical acceptance, realisation and the lowering of expectations are the three concepts that i will adhere to and put in to practice, as they seem to be of great benefit to me at the moment.

Since the achievement of grasping this concept i no longer feel at the merci of my family. We all no that no one can supply us with more stress than our own family, so being able to separate them from my emotional needs or support will take away my need to turn to them for any kind of validation, as the lack of validation can lead me in to dark place, a dark place in which i will no longer be entering.



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Day 136 of OU studies

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Edited by Casper Smith, Tuesday, 16 Feb 2021, 09:31

I have finally managed to pull my head out from up my arse and do some studying, i must admit I'm buzzing about it, Arrrggghhhh mental health, dag namit!!!! I have 10 days to submit TMA04 'How migrants are defined makes a difference' and i feeling a lot more confident than i have been feeling, so i am happy with that. 

There is nothing like a mental health disorder or two to come and beat the crap out of you and leave you four weeks behind, and then move on like nothing has happened.

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Day 135 of OU studies

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My mental health is really getting in the way of my studies, i have in formed the SST and my tutor, in the hope of a little understanding and possible some breathing space, i have learned a lot from DBT, CBT, EMDER, EEG and other self realisation/development programmes, i know the tools, i have the skills. but when it comes to emotional difficulties with in the family it appears to be waste of time learning them, as i genuinely can not cope in a positive way.

The fuck it button seems to hand me a hammer as it sits on my lap, magnifying itself 100 percent, growing neon lights, that are flashing 'here i am' in the brightest colors imaginable, and i just resist in picking up the hammer and smashing it with my might and as soon  as i have started smashing the fuck it button, the guilt and the shame hits me almost instantaneously, yet i fined myself commit and i can not stop until i have complete destroyed the button, which as we know, by that time it is far to late to take back anything that happened during the process.

I tend to be an expert at shutting the door after the horse has bolted and watching it run up the lane, looking back blowing me a raspberry, saying 'so long sucker', I know my triggers, i know the feeling, i can draw a  before, during and after picture, of what will happen before it happens, but when it comes to acting on my triggers, everything goes out the window and i am standing there like a scared, angry five year old, feeling sorry for himself, who has no clue what to do.

Up and down and around and around and around i go.



WWG1WGA




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Day 134 of OU studies

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Edited by Casper Smith, Monday, 1 Mar 2021, 10:37

God bless al, who take the time out to work with people who struggle with substance dependency, they dont get footballers wages, they deal with emotional and thought proving people, that challenge them on a daily basis and yet they still get up every morning, day after day, relentlessly and offer their selves to the devotion of being a positive part in peoples recovery journey, people that through their selves, at their mercy, in a bid to free their selves from their terrible affliction. 

I know from personal experience that the journey is a constant battle, so i tip my hat to the ones who throw caution to the wind and go for it, and think fondly of the families that are related to those who dont make it. I also understand why people put off the battle for sobriety, as it can be a challenging and daunting process. I urge those who put their selves in the victim role, to take responsibility for their actions today and stop justifying their reasons to use substances as a coping mechanism, based on what happened yesterday, i urge those people to walk away from the blame game, as this is what gives the responsibility away "you broke me, there fore you must fix me", when we have this belief system we stay stagnant in our addiction with no hope sobriety.

Dwelling on the past, blaming those for past suffering and who we perceive to be responsible for where we are now, only adds the drawn out process of suffering and inevitable puts off the healing process, until we can grasp the concept, that our choices have put us where we are today, and therefore we are responsible for where we are today, only then can the search for sobriety start.

We can acknowledge our sufferings and like clouds, watch it, recognise it, acknowledge it as we let it go, there is a fine line between blame and responsibility, and its that fine line that can mean the difference between suffering and an end to suffering. Responsibility means we take action for where are, it will enable us to let go and move forward, as blame makes way for actions that only serve to keep us stagnant, while we sit, hold tight and watch as life passes us by.

The life, times and struggles of Caspar Smith's substance misuse.

© C.Smith 2021

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Day 133 of OU studies

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Edited by Casper Smith, Sunday, 14 Feb 2021, 14:42

Anther bright blue, sun shiny, fresh and frosty morning, thats carrying on through the afternoon, its so invigorating, to have the senses alerted by the freshness of the chill, warm and cosy is nice when its time for relaxing and bed time, just as fresh and frosty pings me in to action. 

I have been having some vey positive meetings around substance misuse, which are helping me build my confidence and starting to help me feel one with myself. I should think by the time Monday comes i will have the right frame of mind to start studying and actually absorbing what i am reading, as opposed to using the OU to avoid issues that need attention and resolve. The negative impact of acting like that means, what i am reading has no chance of dilution in to my psyche and the issues I'm avoiding do not get the attention they need, in order for me to resolve them. In my experience, i end up with rubbish grades on my assignments and an escalating feeling of pressure.

I have a one to one tutorial on the 15/2, which will leave me with 10 days to finish read a few chapters, make notes and make a start on TMA04, i am feeling comfortable, that will be enough time for me to execute my tasks, it can be disheartening waiting for my mental state to subside so that i can fully engage in my studies.

Well it could be worse, so i am grateful for that, as long as i stay solution focused and in a positive frame of mind, i am sure that i will be able to complete what is set out for me. 

WWG1WGA



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Day 132 of OU studies

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Edited by Casper Smith, Thursday, 11 Feb 2021, 20:37

This morning was my kind of morning, bright blue sky with no clouds, the sun bursting and frost all over, mornings like that are my favourite time of of year, i am an out doors person and love all weathers, all seasons, although mornings like this morning i love the most. 

The fresh air wakes me up, the visible breath of the horses while they chase me for food, "cheeky fuckers", they have to get up earlier than that to piss in this weasels earhole, thats for sure, "i know their game" and there is nothing i like more, than giving it back to them and getting some exercise while I'm at it.

 After i finishing play games with the horses, I'll let them catch me and then I'll feed them, while their munching, I'm having a roll up. Its always comical, in fact its fucking hilarious to sit and watch the middle and upper-class girls turn up "all the gear and no idea" with their bucket of food, poncing around, shouting 'marni 'marni' while shaking the bucket,10 minutes pass and they are begging the horse to come to them, 20 mins later, they are in field running after their humanised horse, 30 minutes later thy are sat on the fence out of breath, I'm sat there laughing my nuts off to myself. I'm up the field early, 5 am onwards, and in the process of gathering my own horses, their horses will get involved, so i give them a bit what I've give mine, not a lot, just little, i cant leave them out. 

The thing is though, these girls and their thoroughbred trophy horses, "that daddy bought" that go eventing, they genuinely dont have a clue on how to own horse, they are to busy trying to humanise the horse, they forget how to animalise their selves. Horses have a similar psychology to humans, which, if I'm honest, is not that hard to work out, now, these girls only know how to get a horse come to them with the promise of food, now because they have had a little munch earlier, they are not that bothered. These girls my routine, and so they will ask me if i ever want them to take charge of my horse, hahaha, id rather stick wasps up my bum, I'll look after my own horses thanks, one owner, one feeder, one breaker inner.

I see the way these girls treat their their horses, whipping, shouting, pushing their frustration down the reins, no wonder their horse wont come to them, id bet money that the horse dont even like them, the thought of them girls treating my horse like that, makes me want to put them in the field with a saddle on them and whip the life out of them.

The thing is though, they know I'm of Gypsy decent and they genuinely believe their shit dont stink, while looking down their nose at me, riding with no saddle, or, hook them up to a trap and out for drive, and thats why, when i see them chasing their horse in the mornings, i laugh that little bit harder.



WWG1WGA


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Day 131 of OU studies

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The past few days have been promising and the affects of my depressive state seem to be lifting, i have a good support system and i have been relying on those  to help me get some clarity. I am going to pick up the study books and get something done, as i have not been engaging with studies for quite some time now. i am getting my confidence back and will be up and running in no time. 

I had a good tutorial on the 8th and i am clear on what is being asked of me regarding TMA04, which is ‘How migrants are defined makes a difference’. Drawing on material from the 'Connecting Lives’ strand, explain how different kinds of evidence are used to support this claim'. So basically, i have lots of reading to do, which I'm fine with, surprisingly i have a good  understanding the TMA, so i have 15 days get some reading done and make a start. 

I have told the SST and my tutor of my struggles, so i am pretty sure they will give some leeway, in regards of completing my TMA, I'm kind of hoping i will get some confidence from this, that will help carry me through the rest of the year, I'm over half way through my second year now and it would be a shame if i was unable to get to the end, although i have faith in me, i am sure i will make it through this rough patch.



WWG1WGA

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Day 130 of OU studies

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Edited by Casper Smith, Wednesday, 10 Feb 2021, 15:56

After a few weeks of a depressive episode and having the shit kicked out of me by my own mental health disorders, (self harm, not eating, not sleeping, not washing), the usual shit. 

The past few days have have been so contrary its firkin remarkable, its seems, the metaphorical squeezing of my depressive zit has cleared the way for positive thoughts, to the extreme where it feels like gangs of screaming kids with lots of pocket money from their parents have been throwing epiphanies at me as though i was target on a coconut shy stall at their local traveling fairground show, which is normally the way with me, i loose my  mind for while, and then start to have the most positive outlook on life. 

With in this process, i have decided to sever ties with certain members in my family and, i have actually made steps towards achieving it, which almost instantly has made me feel lighter n empowered. 

Part of the reason i have CPTSD is because of  prolonged and consistent violent abuse, manipulation, and humiliation which i received, whilst trying to support him while he dealt with the symptoms that come from his own personal issues. As i never got to tell him of my thoughts and feelings towards him, a build of frustration would turn in to self destruction at my peril.

For some reason i am not quite sure of i would always end up feeling sorry for him, which would indeed set me up for the next fall and so the cycle would continue, until i have finally made the decision to cut all contact with him, as i have always struggled to deal with abuse while being counselled by the abuser.

With that decision, comes a change of my life script, i am no longer his kid brother, i no longer have to prioritise his thoughts and feelings over mine, i no longer have to turn to him with any aspect of my life. I am a man and now i stand alone, making my own decisions and dealing with the consequences, what ever they may be.

At first the thought of severing ties with him would twist my heads in to knots and puncture my heart, over and over again, now i am able to process it with heaps more comfort an confidence, which is encouraging me to make more attempts at facing the people that are close that also have an impact on my emotional state, to my detriment.

I had another coconut shy epiphany that i was aiming to talk about but its getting late, plus it gives me something to chat about tomorrow.


WWG1WGA

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Day 129 of OU studies

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Edited by Casper Smith, Monday, 8 Feb 2021, 18:21

My after care assessment with my psychiatrist did not go as planned, well why would it? I was fully intrenched in the drams triangle, playing my part as the victim, what hammered it home, was when the bIo/Psycho.Sociel intervention manager, of a substance missus charity that i attend 'who has become my unwritten support worker' echoed the sentiments of the psychiatrist.

I have become accustomed to having conversations with trained professionals who offer conversations of understanding, self development and self realisation in terms of psychology. psychotherapy and CBT/DBT, so much so that i struggle to have a conversation or relate to anyone unless its a conversation of that manner, or what i deem to be substantial,  i have never been one for idol gossip or conversations relating to tv shows, films, singers, politicians or what the papers say.

When it comes to friends i believe in quality not quantity, to have one, two or maybe three friends that can converse with me about self realisation or self development, or the simple fundamentals of life, means so much more to me, as opposed to being a member of some social media site that offers hundreds and thousands of virtual strangers who converse repeatedly over the same, over complicating subjects, with no final resolution of things, that will make no difference to society or the understanding of one self or indeed another.

To be in a position like this, leaves so much room for silence and the freedom to witness what is happening, right here, right now and be apart of the reality of now, as feeling anxious about the future or depressed about the past takes me out of living in the reality of the present moment.

As i see the importance of knowing and understanding one self and giving one self the validation we feel we need, from internal sources, such as self realisation, that will dictate our self belief system. I believe this to be so much more productive and important, as opposed to the reliance on a false economy, in the shape of thumbs up and smiley faces from hundreds maybe thousands of virtual strangers that we barely know, which is trying to fill the void.

Can we love another? if we dont love ourselves. Can we trust another? if we dont trust ourselves, And can we really know another? If we dont know ourselves.


.WWG1WGA

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Day 129 of OU studies

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Edited by Casper Smith, Monday, 8 Feb 2021, 08:35
Wakey Wakey, hands off snakey!!!

Feeling energised, and as crisp and invigorated as fresh virgin snow that my out on my lawn, in my family circle of Roman Gypsies a clod shower is not uncommon and its this time of year that a cold shower is at its best.
It zaps the senses and pings a person in to place, much like the Icelandic's who break holes in the ice and swim n the freezing cold water swimming.
I cant think of a better way to start the day, its like sucking on the sourest of lemons 'zing, zong, zipppooowwweeee' the body hits a shock sense and wakes up with a firmness that alerts every part that welcomes the day, its not the same as having a cold shower in the summer, thats just cools you down, when it comes to cold showers when its freezing outside, well 'thats like making naked snow angels, in the comfort of your panoramic view, glass tinted shower', it certainly keeps you young for sure.
All set for day, so bring on and lets see what we can make happen.



WWG1WGA
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Day 128 of OU studies

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Edited by Casper Smith, Sunday, 7 Feb 2021, 21:07
Well, its back to the grindstone and on with the quest. I am back from seeing my family for some grounding and a shot of back to reality.
Being in the presents of my Romany Gypsy family, salt of the earth people who know how to live a life, along with the wisdom that life has given them, has been the break that i needed and the energy boost that has recharged the battery.
As opposed to being swamped  and engulfed by those book reading, degree hungry, never stepped out of their doorsteps and lived in the fresh air, soulless beings that have the character of a piece of 4 by 2, you know the types that are lost if there is no manual booklet, only able to conduct their selves according to what ever book they are reading at the time, unable to think and feel independently from what the tv or radio telling them, unable to forge their own path in life, sheepishly being sucked along the conveyor belt of nodding and agreeing, with no sense of free thinking.
All the while greasing the machine and forming the framework that pays the man and keeps him happily comfortable in his sickly state of self indulgent, grandiose, glutenous state, whilst being sold the notion of democracy and free will of life that imprisons them in their own little cocoon of competitiveness of IQ's and who can get the biggest credit rating to indebt their lives to multinationals and the banks that loaned them their social identity in life.
Others are like working class people who think their shit dont stink and somehow, because of that book they read or that degree they got, alters their mindset in to believing that somehow they are better than another person.
when the reality is they are governed by these people and the political correctness that comes with it, happily arguing over these politicians, in a bizarre battle of the IQ, breeding in the evolution to their spawn, born, work, borrow, pay back and die, is all they know and all they will ever know.
Ponces, from a generation that has never had to get its hands dirty or sit long enough with their own common sense long enough to figure things out, covered in bubble wrap so that the harsh lessons of life continue to teach them nothing other than how to complain, blame and point the finger in envy to rough handed, dirty finger nailed man or woman who flies in the face of this lazy, throw away society, and as a consequence to the finger pointer, builds an independent fortune worth millions
The top of the list of this throw away society starts with the throwing away of people, as a class divide develops and the egotistical nature of these narcissists, propels them a in to a belief system that they are better than another because they have been brainwashed in to a belief system that their degree or book of choice has sold them, their mind narrowed down by the teaching of a fundamentally improper, colonial, fagin style of learning that only serves to keep the so called clever, clever enough to feed their ego and feed the purposes of the super rich and disgusting, but not clever enough to see out side the system, until your left with poor people pretending to be rich and rich people pretending to be poor.
Common sense really is not that common, google, universities and books will not teach you understanding, logic or wisdom friends and they will not teach you compassion or empathy, for that my friends you have to peel back the bubble wrap, get your nails dirty and live life while breathing in the fresh air, while not being scared of letting the big wide world teach you some lessons.
The great outdoors is the biggest classroom there is people.
Get in it and learn something of substance.


WWG1WGA
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Day 128 of OU studies

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Edited by Casper Smith, Monday, 8 Feb 2021, 11:29

I threw the BMX in the camper and went to see the ole Smithy to reconnect with my people, i had to do something to get to grips with myself, as my mental health was plummeting, i was self harming and thinking of using, luckily my Uncle has acres so distancing wasn't a problem. Entering  the professional world coming from a Romany Gypsy heritage is proving harder than i imagine.



WWG1WGA, only this time i went on my own Haha

Support your local Gypsy, you're supporting your Black people in your bid to end racism, dont forget the Romanies.



WWG1WGA

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Day 128 of OU studies

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Edited by Casper Smith, Sunday, 14 Feb 2021, 14:46

After feeling a loss of connection, i thought i would take my camper down to see the ole Smithy, thats my uncle for those who dont know, and why would you, i have often talked about the negatives of being part of  a Romany Gypsy family, so i thought it better to soak up some of the positives, i have had to shrink the photos to get then to fit, so i hope they still get the message across, the perks of a Romany Gypsy lifestyle, so refreshing to sit with the horses and recharge the batteries.



WWG1WGA

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Day 127 of OU studies

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Edited by Casper Smith, Saturday, 6 Feb 2021, 22:47
Enjoying the process of learning, if only i could say the same for the people i have mixed with along the way, 'they are a funny bunch' 'these academic types'. I think i forgot for a moment, the reason why i started a blog and why i started studying with the OU. Now i remember, i can focus on that and not involve myself with anything other than OU work.
As a man who comes from a Romany Gypsy background, i am used to a certain conduct, and the phrase 'birds of a feather flock together' comes to mind and a phrase that i will be adhering to more consciously in future. I should of not have had the expectations of differences coming together and living happily ever after.
To be honest, my intention of signing up with the OU was for the education, i never signed up for a picnic or to build up my friends list and the reason i started a blog was to be able to express my thought and feelings. Romany Gypsy culture are similar to many eastern cultures, in terms of how we view relationships with different cultures, although it is not 100 percent mandatory, some eastern cultures have arranged marriages, and will not necessarily mix outside these cultures and it is in that sense that Romany Gypsy culture shares its similarity.
I think that is the main thing that i have learned so far with my OU endeavour and the mixing of these cultures 'in my experience so far', would go to validate my claim.
This realisation will get me back on track and keep me focused, as i lost my focused and became involved with more than what i signed up for.
As a result, i have become more grateful that i was born in to the culture i was, more grateful that i think and feel the way i do, and grateful for the realisation that, as modern day, western world attitudes, beliefs and mindset are something that i do want, or indeed rubbing off on me during the course of my studies.
Get wat i need to get, then get off.


WWG1WGA
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Day 125 of OU studies

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Edited by Casper Smith, Sunday, 7 Feb 2021, 21:03

Anticipating the weekend and switching off from studies and all that comes with it. I'm working on TMA04, all is well, mooching along at a steady pace and enjoying the learning experience.

I had an ergonomic assessment via the OU to see if my study space can be made more comfortable, as my nerve condition puts a lot of pressure on study time and has the power to take me away from learning and focusing on pain management. The assessor was a god send and his proposals really blew me away, i am so fortunate to be offered the support i am being offered.

Sometimes in life, i brush things aside and carry on as though nothing is wrong, its not until i sit with [people such as the assessor that i am able to take stock of my physical condition and the support needed, that brings the reality home 'hard'.

So now i will anticipate his report and move forward from there, organisations such as the OU are genuinely a blessing, they really have gone above and beyond in helping and supporting me to achieve my goals.

When lock down is over I think another charity skydive is in order, to say thank you to the OU and show my appreciate them, genuinely, from the bottom of my heart. 

Here's to to you OU and all staff and all who support you.



WWG1WGA

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