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Day 109 of OU studies

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Edited by Casper Smith, Saturday, 30 Jan 2021, 23:20

                                                            Buddha

                                     The Noble Eightfold Path


  1. Right View: our actions have consequences, death is not the end, and our actions and beliefs have consequences after death. The Buddha followed and taught a successful path out of this world and the other world (heaven and underworld/hell). Later on, right view came to explicitly include karma and rebirth and the importance of the Four Nobel truths, when "insight" became central to Buddhist soteriology.
  2. Right Resolve or Intention: the giving up of home and adopting the life of a religious mendicant in order to follow the path; this concept aims at peaceful renunciation, into an environment of non-sensuality, non-ill-will (to loving kindness), away from cruelty (to compassion).Such an environment aids contemplation of impermanence, suffering, and non-self.
  3. Right Speech: no lying, no rude speech, no telling one person what another says about him to cause discord or harm their relationship.
  4. Right Conduct or Action: no killing or injuring, no taking what is not given, no sexual acts, no material desires.
  5. Right Livelihood: beg to feed, only possessing what is essential to sustain life;
  6. Right Effort: preventing the arising of unwholesome states, and generating unwholesome states the bojjhaga (seven factors of awakening). This includes indriya-samvara, "guarding the sense-doors", restraint of the sense faculties.
  7. Right Mindfulness (sati; Satipatthana; Sampajanna): "retention", being mindful of the dhammas ("teachings", "elements") that are beneficial to the Buddhist path. In the vippasana moment, sati is interpreted as "bare attention": never be absent minded, being conscious of what one is doing; this encourages the awareness of the impermanence of body, feeling and mind, as well as to experience the five aggregates (skandhas), the five hundreds, the four True Realities and seven factors of awakening.
  8. Right samadhi (Passaddhi; Ekaggatasampasadana): practicing four stages of dehyanna ("meditation"), which includes samadhi proper in the second stage, and reinforces the development of the bojjhaga, culminating into upekkha (equanimity) and mindfulness. In the Theravada tradition and the Vipassana movement, this is interpreted as ekaggata, concentration or one-pointedness of the mind, and supplemented with Vipasanna-meditation, which aims at insight.


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C J

Day 109 of OU studies

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Edited by Casper Smith, Saturday, 30 Jan 2021, 23:21

                                                  Buddha

                              The Five Aggregates


  1. form or "matter"(Skt., Pāli रूप rūpa; Tib. gzugs): matter, body or "material form" of a being or any existence. Buddhist texts state rupa of any person, sentient being and object to be composed of four basic elements or forces: earth (solidity), water (cohesion), fire (heat) and wind (motion).
  2. sensation or "feeling" (Skt., Pāli वेदना vedanā; Tib. tshor-ba): sensory experience of an object. It is either pleasant, unpleasant or neutral.
  3. perception (Skt. संज्ञा saṃjñā, Pāli सञ्ञा saññā, Tib. 'du-shes): sensory and mental process that registers, recognizes and labels (for instance, the shape of a tree, color green, emotion of fear).
  4. mental formations (Skt. संस्कार saṃskāra, Pāli सङ्खार saṅkhāra, Tib. 'du-byed): "constructing activities","conditioned things""volition""karmic activities"; all types of mental imprints and conditioning triggered by an object Includes any process that makes a person initiate action or act.
  5. consciousness (Skt. विज्ञान vijñāna, Pāli विञ्ञाण viññāṇa, Tib. rnam-par-shes-pa): "discrimination" or "discernment". Awareness of an object and discrimination of its components and aspects, and is of six types, states Peter Harvey. The Buddhist literature discusses this skandha as,

    1. In the Nikayas/Agamas: cognizance, that which discerns.
    2. In the Abhidhamma: a series of rapidly changing interconnected discrete acts of cognizance.
    3. In some Mahayana sources: the base that supports all experience
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Day 109 of OU studies

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Edited by Casper Smith, Saturday, 30 Jan 2021, 23:22

                                                   Buddha

                                     The Four Noble Truths

  • dukkah (suffering, incapable of satisfying, painful) is an innate characteristic of existence in the realm of samsara

Now this, bhikkhus, is the noble truth of suffering: birth is suffering, aging is suffering, illness is suffering, death is suffering; union with what is displeasing is suffering; separation from what is pleasing is suffering; not to get what one wants is suffering; in brief, the five aggregates subject to clinging are suffering.

  • samudaya (origin, arising) of this dukkha, which arises or "comes together" with tanha ("craving, desire or attachment")

Now this, bhikkhus, is the noble truth of the origin of suffering: it is this craving [tanha, "thirst"] which leads to re-becoming, accompanied by delight and lust, seeking delight here and there; that is, craving for sensual pleasures, craving for becoming, craving for disbecoming

     nirdha  (cessation, ending) of this dukkha can be attained by the renouncement or letting go of this taṇhā;

Now this, bhikkhus, is the noble truth of the cessation of suffering: it is the remainderless fading away and cessation of that same craving, the giving up and relinquishing of it, freedom from it, non-reliance on it.

  • magga (path, Nobel eightfold path) is the path leading to renouncement of tanha and cessation of dukkha.

Now this, bhikkhus, is the noble truth of the way leading to the cessation of suffering: it is this noble eightfold path; that is, right view, right intention, right speech, right action, right livelihood, right effort, right mindfulness, right concentration.




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C J

Day 107 of OU studies

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Proof read, read out loud, made corrections and finally submitted TMA03, i shall sit quietly and greatly look forward to the feedback from my tutor, i defiantly feel that i have a greater understanding of what is being asked of me and how to carry what's been asked of me. I'm loving the process, learning, growing and a gaining a better understanding of myself really is an awesome process. I shall sleep well tonight knowing that i took part in something that will impact my life for the better, I seem to be able to cope much better not only when things are going well but when my head starts to turn in on itself, if I'm honest 'I'm buzzing, for once in my life i actually know what i am doing, blessed.



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Day 107 of OU studies

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Edited by Casper Smith, Sunday, 17 Jan 2021, 18:34

I have managed to complete part two of TMA03 a 1250 word essay that 'describes the argument that a consumer society leads to a throw away society'. Part one which is an essay plan has yet to be typed up from notes and part three which is self reflection are also yet to be completed, compared to part two, the hard work is done, i have until tomorrow to proof read then read allowed, make any corrections that need correcting and finally submit all in good time. 

I genuinely felt that i was not going to make it due my mental heath disorders and if only for a while i was caught up in catastrophising and imagined that i would build a bonfire and put all on top of it. The fact that i have episodes while in the middle of my studies and brought myself out of it and back to reality is a first for me and something that i am extremely proud of, i am learning, i am improving and i am developing in a positive way, i genuinely do not care one bit whether my grade is covered in glitter or dog eared at the corners, i completed what i set out to do and that means so much more to me. 

I am not here to be the next Stephen Hawking's and i am not here powder puff my ego with a wealth of in-depth knowledge of anything and everything. I merely want to re-write my life script, and in doing what i have just done has shown me that i am on the right path and capable.



WWG1WGA

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Day 106 of OU studies

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Edited by Casper Smith, Saturday, 16 Jan 2021, 23:49

Finally managed to pull my head out from up my Arsenal lost, which is cool because i hate football anyway, Days of my life disappeared and i have no logical explanation, my heads stuck firmly in to my studies and I'm flying and yet i have no logical reason. Its good to be back people. 

I have an extension until the 18th for TMA03, although i look on my OU student home page and the cut off date for TMA03 for everyone has been moved to the 18th, now i dont feel so special, which is good. For the last 18 months that i have spent studying with the OU this is the first time i have had to ask for help, not that asking for help is a weakness, i say that, yet i struggle so ,maybe it is for me. i maybe five or six days behind, which is cool as i know i can catch up.

I am so happy to be back in the land of functional and operational, ooowweee mental health can really blow me away at times.



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Day 105 of OU studies

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My mental health is on decline and i am doing exactly the opposite to what the professional people in my life have suggested i do, i am supposed to reach out, ask for help and tell somebody i am struggling and yet i can not seem to do it, yet here i am telling someone, maybe this is the first step, i am not sure. 

I haven't looked at my study books for days, getting motivated is a real problem right now.

Because i have been shielded with my Mother since last February, she seems to be the only person i am helping, there is an imaginary wall between my Mother and myself which stops me from opening up to her 'yes i am ok Mum' are the phrases i keep throwing at her, how on earth am i supposed to burden her with my issues? My Mother heeds help and support for her self too,. that was the whole point of me moving in.

Something has to change and i have just decided that tomorrow morning i will reach out to the people who can help me and i will, i am going too, what's the worst that can happen right?



WHG1WGA

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Day 103 of OU studies

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Edited by Casper Smith, Wednesday, 13 Jan 2021, 21:34

Although i was diagnosed around two years ago with CPTSD (complex post-traumatic stress disorder) and BPD (borderline personality disorder). i have had the symptoms for as long as i can remember, i have battled with related stigmas and tried until i am worn out to not be defined by my conditions. 

It so hard to not become what you are when there is substantial scientific evidence that  BDP is highly heritable, in a finding that suggests the brain abnormalities of this disorder are a consequence of genes involved in brain development, similar to what is known about schizophrenia, bipolar disorder and autism. .A meta-analysis of functional MRI findings in people with BDP revealed heightened activation during the processing of negative emotional stimuli in the left amygdala, left hippocampus, and posterior cingulate cortex as well as diminishes in prefrontal regions including the dorsal lateral prefrontal, 

The acceptance of this disorder being something that i can not control has zapped me of energies that i never new i had, the revelation of this being something that is a part of me and that i should learn to live with is a newly found one. I have always tried to get rid of it at separate myself from it 'if i o this it will go away' ' if i do that it will go away'. No wonder i am knackered. 

I have been trying to run away from something that is a part of me. How on earth can i run away from the amygdala, hippocampus, and prefrontal cortex, the parts of my brain that bring about BDP and CPTSD, i cant, i mean there is shame in having mental health disorders, is there? I am what i am.

I get the sense that things might get a little easier from now as i can give up the battle and live and let live, i mean i will not give up the maintenance of these disorders but i will give up trying to cure myself in a certain time frame that i impose on myself; 



WWG1WGA

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Day 102 of OU studies

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Edited by Casper Smith, Wednesday, 13 Jan 2021, 03:46

Life seems to taking over at the moment, as i have to live life on life's terms i am powerless, well i have the power to hold tight and hang on until things settle down.

I have asked for a few days extension on TMA03 as it would relieve some pressure, i may not need it, although its nice to know it's their if i do.

Sometimes i for forget that i have mental illnesses and guess what? Sometimes i remember. It's like someone comes and sits on my lap while i am driving and takes over all the controls, yet my sight is not interfered with and i can clearly see the car being steered in directions that i did not not indicate to or indeed it continues to drive while i have both feet firmly on the brake pedal and what's also nice is when i clearly believe its time to put my foot on the accelerator, i do not move as i can see the brake pedal is flat to the floor. 

Fighting it seems senseless yet instinctual, the id strikes, the want to relax and have blurred vision of faith in the new driver, gives me the feeling of a continuous ice cold shower and takes me out of my mind. The ability to understand myself drives me nuts, the ability to analyse myself 'you would think' would bring about a place of restfulness and yet i am left thinking that surly ignorance is bliss.

Blasted Psychotherapists, encouraging me understand, so now what? what do i do with this understanding? I truly do not want to know, knowing brought me here and yet it seems that knowing can not help me leave, just locked in a life long battle of trying to unknow.

I do not care for desire, the id strikes again, yet its intrenched in my brain ready for battle. My curiosity stretches as far as my personal development, as the routine is such, its all i have ever done. my ego is such where i merely survive on my needs, yet, oh contraire, my super ego is over loaded with doubts, questions and criticism's of every thing any one has ever told me, taught me or suggested to me.

I store peoples stories like I'm a hoarder of thoughts, desperate, in the hope of hearing the words that will defuse the confused and leave them fused in a place where all makes sense. In my hast to live in reality my imagination only serves to contradict until i feel burdened by the genetic make up of me, it feels like my mind is at war with my mind, my imagination, ego, super ego and id are all questioning and analysing their selves as though there is not trust between them and i am front row of the show craving shut down, craving 'lights off' if only for a moment. Being at war is something, being at war with yourself is torturous, being in prison is one thing, being in prison in your mind is just as torturous, i guess its time to try sleep now.



WWG1WGA




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Day 100 of OU studies

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I genuinely have spent the whole day in bed, my cold seems to have gone, i think i have bored it to death, My back ache, head ache and general 'every limb in my body ache' has gone, the runny nose, sore throat and coughing has gone too, i really do feel better and i have done nothing. I come from old fashioned people who 'mend and make do' who 'carry on regardless', 

i.e. Firstly, there is the recognition of the bug, as admitting i have one is a weakness in itself. 

Secondly, I am not use to catching a bug, being ill and resting as a way of getting rid of it, there has always been a battle to work the bug out 'sweat it out', 'dig deep boy' and 'this is no time to feeling sorry for yourself and moping around' are the phrases that spring to mind. 

I know how silly it sounds but this really is a eureka moment for me and i seem to be having a lot of them lately, it seems like every time i challenge my old belief systems, it sparks the birth, or plants the seed for a new belief system.

My life does not have to be a battle any more, live, breath and be.



WWG1WGA

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Day 100 of OU studies

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Edited by Casper Smith, Sunday, 10 Jan 2021, 07:44

Wide awake and contemplating TMA03, if i am honest, i am finding it strange dealing with TMA's with out stressing or pressure, in fact i am finding it strange dealing with life in general without stress or pressure. 

I never thought the day would come where i would be free from the dark, lonely, troubled chasm of my own mind. I have been lost in battle with myself for so long and became so intrenched in that battle that i lost sight of any progression, i lost sight of change, its not until situations arise and i take stock of my thoughts, feelings, emotions and behaviour in response to it that i realise i do things different.

 I have carried a life script for decades which became a security blanket that i moulded in to a second skin, i soon stopped to question it, i took it for granted that i would never feel comfortable with out it and yet here i am commenting on how it feels to have stripped myself of that second skin, and feel the new sensations of a new script being developed. 

I finally believe in myself, i finally trust myself, for the first time in my life i believe that i am worthy and that i deserve a shot at being a success, and i am capable of being something other than the negative haunts and echo's from my guardian abusers.

 I really did believe them, i had settled for things in my head and i was living uncomfortably comfortable with the belief that 'i am useless' who the @+ck do i think i am'? 'What makes me so special'? 'I'm not a real man you long streak of paralysed pi@+', that last quote was my Father's favourite R I P, as he would call me that often.

As part of my recovery my psychotherapist would suggest that, in order to deal some of the blame, bitterness and anger that i was harbouring, more positively, as opposed to catastrophising which would lead to substance misuse, self harm, by way of cutting, crime and a general hatred for myself, that i should try empathy and understanding for my Father and his behaviour towards me. Well, i guess yo can imagine the horror of from feeling victimised to having to empathise with my abuser.

At first i thought my therapist was mad and in the initial response was more drug use and self harm 'it has to get worse before it get's better right', well yeah, thats exactly what happened, i had no grasp on the concept that was being given to me, days would pass, then weeks, then months, i started to grasp the concept and my drug use and self harm would decrease then increases so on and so forth. 

The key thing for me is that i noticed a change which propelled the want to keep trying, again and again and again, then years pass, still trying, getting it wrong, feeling weak, giving in, homelessness, drug abuse, self harm, feeling strong, getting it right, up and down, down and up, battling, tired of battling, trying, tired of trying, belief no belief and finally decades pass, worn out, so tired, drained of all, drained of anything and everything, hanging on to hope, a white knuckle grip as though i was a baby again holding on to the hem of my Mothers cardigan until i lost grip.

Only to lay in the tiredness and pause, let the silence rest and think for moment, feel for a moment, feel the heart beat at a regular pace, feel my breath gentle, uninterrupted and soft and realise 'its over' 'i dont have to fight anymore' i dont have to do anything i dont want to, 'i can be me' 'I'm allowed to be me' ' I'm not scared any more' 'i love me and i love life'.


PS you may find it strange that i started this blog with 'wide awake' it took my left hand two and a half hours to type and correct that,

WWG1WGA


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Day 98 of OU studies

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Edited by Casper Smith, Sunday, 10 Jan 2021, 07:46

Bunged up, the cold weather has got the best of me, no more stepping out in to the frozen abyss for me, thank you very much, I'm shielded because i have been living with my Mother over the covid period, so that will be the excuse for me. 

I'm getting a dab hand at typing with my left hand and i am getting quicker. believe me it's still slow but its quicker than what it has been. I have an ergonomic assessment on the 14th of this month, they will be assessing my home and study areas plus the difficulties with my right upper torso to see if there can be any amendments made, all in order to make studying with my verve condition more comfortable and less painful.

Who would of thought, i have been physically fit all my life, hardly never going to hospital or doctors for any thing, to be sat here at 46 saying i struggle to study, i struggle to do such a simple thing as write and take notes or type with my right hand with out feeling like i want to smash my hand with a hammer, to look at me you would think there is nothing wrong. 

Right then, whinging over, i am blessed to have what i have and things could always be worse, big thanks to the OU and DSA for offering the understanding and the support they have, they have truly been awesome.

Back to TMA03, in amongst the last few days of sniffling, runny nose, coughing, back ache, head ache, not sleeping, and not eating, i have managed to open three files and name them, all the pieces to the puzzle are in front of me, i have six days to put them all together. I will not stress, just take each day as it comes, i mean its only an essay right, all the information is there and all the tolls have been giving to me, so slap some common sense on it and all shall ok.

At least it's the weekend and i have a couple of days to rest up, recoup and get all jet li on this cold with a few roundhouses to jaw, get back cold, you have been warned.



WWG1WGA

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Day 96 of OU studies

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Edited by Casper Smith, Sunday, 17 Jan 2021, 04:04

Wide awake and eating BBQ Pringles, if i was anymore laid back, you'd have to check my pulse to see if i am still alive. 

One thing i am starting to notice is, regardless of where i live, what i do, where i go, what i think, what i feel, what i say, who i believe in, what i believe in, what i know,  what i study, what sex i am, what age i am, what religion i am, how much money i have. what i eat, who i vote for or who i bow down too and whether i live or die. 

The world will still turn, the seasons will still change, the sun will still rise and set. wars will still be fought and disease will still claim lives. 

So in the grand scheme of things, with me, being one in 7.5 billion, on a world which is one of ten realms, out of a total of 107 billion who have ever lived, multiplied by 15 who haver ever died, on a planet that is 4.543 billions years old, in a universe that is 13.8 billion years old, which is one universe of 10^10^16, or maybe even 10^10^10^16.  

So I ask you. How irrelevant am i? How insignificant am i? what do i mater? And what is the importance of me? 

So on the basis of that ladies and gentlemen, that is where i find my clarity and solace, because the reality is, i am not important, i am not relevant, i am not significant and i do not mater. 

I think that the basis of my new discovery urges me to opt out of main stream life and all the trappings that come with it, to opt out of being 'general public' and being generalised because someone done a study of a few hundred thousand people around the country or indeed the world, and come to the conclusion that we are a nation of, this, that or the other. 

All ants know why they are here, all wasps, all bee's and so on and yet i am a part of a 7.5 billion army who can not agree why are here and yet with in that, the one thing they can all agree on is that the 7.5 billion army are the top of the food chain and that our existence is the most important of all living creatures. How bizarre. That my dear friends, is the one i opt out of the most.



WWG1WGA


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Day 94 of OU studies

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Edited by Casper Smith, Thursday, 7 Jan 2021, 13:18
I have a pre TM03 tutorial tonight at 7.30,  which will officially kick off the start of my studies for 2021. TMA03 is due in on 14/1/21, so i have plenty of time. I spent the majority of the build up to Christmas in preparation so tomorrow will see the start of connecting all the pieces together. Now the holidays are over it will be nice to get stuck in to some studies.
 I am almost half way through level one and i am quite surprised how things seem to be falling in to place. No drama's, no stress, and no distractions from submerging myself in to studying. I have all the support i need, the OU and DSA have been awesome and i could not wish for anything more, all i have to now, is my part.
From the start of last years YO32 access module, up until, DD102, present day i have learned so much, grown as a person and i am super exited about moving forward with the OU. For sure, one of the best decisions i have made in a long time, Good luck to all with your studies, i am sure you all will be awesome. 


WWG1WGA
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Day 93 of OU studies

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Edited by Casper Smith, Sunday, 3 Jan 2021, 19:55

What an awesome Christmas, what an awesome start to the new year, i am massively looking forward to what ever 2021 has to offer. It has been nice to totally switch off over the holidays soak up the spirit of the season, in preparation for TMA03, and all future studies and life in general. 

I am feeling the benefit of living in the moment, for sure and not allowing external forces, such as, all forms of media, that has the power to distract me from me being me. Giving up smart devices and technologies was the best decision i ever made, i am left with only two uses for my laptop, the OU and abstinence meetings and i am totally fine with that. 

My head is the emptiest it has ever been, those two subjects i have mentioned are the only distractions i have from utter clarity, as i have never felt the need nor seen the sense in filling my head with anything other than what i need. What i have found out for myself, is that, in that need for knowledge, or the need for people to tell me 'read this book', 'read that book' only made things more confusing and it is only possible for me to stop thinking once i have emptied my head of anything other than natural instincts and senses, basically do the opposite. As i truly believe we 'as humans' only need those instincts and senses to survive, as the rest is just for show.

I do not believe knowledge is power, i see it more of a competition between people and within people i have said this before and i will say it again 'as clever as the cleverest person believes they are' 'can they feed, water and home all humans'? 'Can they put an end to disease'? 'Can they end war'? If the simplest of fundamentals can not be achieved by these clever people, then i ask myself  'what is the use of me being the cleverest person in the room'?

So with that in my mind, i refer you all back to my sentiments in the third paragraph.


WWG1WGA

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Day 92 of OU studies. Giving and receiving

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Edited by Casper Smith, Saturday, 2 Jan 2021, 18:37

I have never been the one to hand out pearls of wisdom, anecdotes, clichés or sayings that have been passed down through time, just for the sake of saying them. Until i have pulled them apart and questioned them, only then will i choose to say it, or question it, much as I am doing now. I have just heard somebody say 'Christmas is about giving not receiving'.

As I am not stupid, i get why people say it. Now, knowing myself and the way I analyse and deconstruct things that people say and giving it some thought ever since I heard them say it. I am sure that 1, you can not give with out some receiving and it is that, what makes me come to my solution. 2, I believe that the main reason we give is over looked and can be questioned.

Based on the feeling we get when some receives from our generosity, of course we feel that it is nice to be nice, although i am sure that what drives us to give is the feeling that we get, not from giving but the feeling we get from those who receiving. When we see the face of some one we have giving to or we know the impact of our giving's, to say like, charities, the homeless person on the street or the person who sells the Big Issue, their is a sense of fulfilment that we we get because we feel that we are doing the right thing, we are helping and we are generally being nice. 

I am suggesting that it is that feeling that is the driving force of our giving, and to a certain extent there could be, what explained as a sense of selfishness, as the natural instinct on giving could be to please ourselves before we please the person we are giving too. Based on the way I think and how I feel after those thoughts I would be so bold as to go against that saying and suggest that giving is all about receiving. Just a thought.



WWG1WGA

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Day 91 of OU studies

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Edited by Casper Smith, Friday, 1 Jan 2021, 20:33

All set and bursting at the seems to get stuck in to some hard core studying tomorrow. The Christmas break has been awesome and the perfect opportunity to switch off from studies, recharge, plan and organise the way forward for 2021, so that i can get the very best from my time with the OU. Its nice to be sharing a platform with some students that have a vast experience of OU studies and i look forward to learning from you and picking your brains.



WWG1WGA

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Day 91 of OU studies.

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Edited by Casper Smith, Friday, 1 Jan 2021, 19:56

Happy new year folks, out with the old and in with the new, all the best to you all x



WWG1WHA

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Day 90 of OU studies.

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Edited by Casper Smith, Friday, 1 Jan 2021, 19:57

For somebody like myself who has never written a blog, diary or journal and is learning about self expression via written words, Its took 90 days for me to put aside my insecurities and comfortably and openly converse with strangers. As much as we are strangers, we are all brought together through the same medium with the same intensions, which i believe are to learn and share that learning experience and as much as we are strangers, i feel a sense of unity and comradery which is an awesome feeling for me, as i have spent a large period of my life in isolation battling my demons. 

It feels nice to join an academic society that shares their goals, dreams and good intentions and its also just as nice to be able to share my dreams, goals and good intentions. I am really looking forward to getting back in to studying on the 2nd and seeing where my new journey takes me. I left school and joined the adult working world at 13 so academia was never a part of my life, only until my later years where i made a conscious decision to 'go back to school' so thank you OU and thank you fellow bloggers for being a part of my learning journey and accepting me. I look forward to getting to know you over the years of studying with the OU, and wish you all, all the very best and i hope you all reach your goals, dreams and aspirations.

PS, I am sure that i have never felt so positive in my life.


WWG1WGA

Permalink 4 comments (latest comment by Casper Smith, Thursday, 31 Dec 2020, 17:48)
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Day 89 of OU studies.

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Edited by Casper Smith, Friday, 1 Jan 2021, 19:57

Goodnight and god bless to all you guys out there in blog land. I hope you all had a merry Christmas and you all live as long as you want and never want as long as you live.



WWG1WGA

Permalink 2 comments (latest comment by Casper Smith, Wednesday, 30 Dec 2020, 23:51)
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Day 89 of OU studies.

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Edited by Casper Smith, Thursday, 7 Jan 2021, 13:19

After a long sleep, i have woken up content and recharged, i am making headway with the conflictions within my family and now i can get back to enjoying what is left of Christmas and 2020. I am feeling happy about attacking TMA03, which is due in on the 14/01/2021, its been nice to have a break in preparation. 

I seem to be more organised these days and i can definitely feel the benefit of previous access courses and TMAs. I finally feel that after years of soul searching, self development therapies and studies, that i am in a position of clarity, balance and self reflection that is peaceful and at ease. 

In being able to over come life's mini battles with composure and a certain level of etiquette is reassuring and rewarding. For the first time ever i am able to sit comfortably reflecting with out regret, guilt or shame, safe in the knowledge that the years i have spent trying to be a better person is paying off.



WWG1WGA

Permalink 2 comments (latest comment by Casper Smith, Thursday, 31 Dec 2020, 15:21)
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Day 89 of OU studies.

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Edited by Casper Smith, Friday, 1 Jan 2021, 19:58

Listen sarah cox, i deleted your toxic comments after i had copied and pasted them in an email to student support, and a copy of your comments on Judith's blog just to show the randomness of your bullyish and ill attitude on the OU blog. I deleted them as i did not want your toxicity and your negative energy related to any thing with my name on it.  Another open blog with the right to reply production of Caspar Smith. 



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Day 89 of OU studies.

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Edited by Casper Smith, Friday, 1 Jan 2021, 19:59

I am genuinely having trouble sleeping after my interaction with another OU student, i feel betrayed, i feel like i have been robbed of my good intension. Its 2.30 am and my neurons in my brain are like the most spectacular fireworks display you have ever seen, even Guy fawkes would be ever so proud.

The OU and this blog had became a safe place of speech and expression that was un spoiled and free from negativity, hate, maliciousness, spite and anger. 

I have grown up in a family that was swamped in those traits and i believed i had created a space and place that would never resemble their antics. 

I have overcome so many personal battles, insecurities and negative echo's from a past that were full of toxic poison, i have battled internally to free myself from people who have ill gains in their hearts, that have mentally crippled me in their pursuance of procession. I have stood face to face with all who holds dear to me and and rejected them for the saviour and liberty of my own mental well being. 

I have looked the most sacred people in the eye while they try to strip me of my soul and pleaded no, no you wont change me, no you wont take my spirit and turn it in to the similarities of your own, i have walked in to hell, lived in hell, battled to leave hell and left hell in the name of keeping my sanity. I have done all this alone, in the cold damp darkness of rejection, neglect, abandonment and abuse that would bring the strongest of men to their knees. 

So here i stand saying no, no to the negative influence that wants to enter my life and fill it with the remembrance of of a life i have left behind, i say no, you will never compare to the echo's of people who's power could not break me. I will stand firm and look you in the eye as i did them and shroud your meagre attempts to darken my soul with a mountainous belief system in myself that will remind you forever more to never treat another human you way you treated me. 

How dare you come in to my safe place and darken it with your ill intentions. I have learned that no matter how much people have hurt me, i never become immune to it and yes it still hurts. People, whether strangers, family, friends, lovers or enemies they are all relatable people and i am relatable people too and no matter how many times that relation breaks down, it hurts just like the first time. 

I guess thats why Social Science intrigues me, as i can never answer the question, 'why cant we just get along'? and deep down thats all i have ever wanted from life. They were my wishes as i blew out the candles on my imaginary birthday cake, they were the things i asked for when sat on Santa's imaginary knee, that was the answer to the teachers question when i was asked what i wanted out of life, that has been the thought i think every time i shut my eyes to sleep, and will continue to do so, i know i will never know for sure, but it eats away at me regardless.



WWG1WGA

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Day 88 of OU studies.

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Edited by Casper Smith, Friday, 1 Jan 2021, 19:59

I love the naivety and lack of lateral thinking that so called professional people have. We live in a world where data is now the biggest commodity in the world, and while people are paying thousands and thousands of £ and more for these information gathering companies so that they can gather your information such as, 5G, google, apple, visa, adobe, mastercard, vodafone, orange at&t, three, netflix, alphabet, tesla, microsoft, instagram, youtube, paypal, ebay, amozon, twitter, linkedin, snapchat, facebook, sony, hawawii, samsung facetime, deliveroo, uber, uber eats, alexis, echo, siri, kindle, just eat. And yet people on the OU blog privatise their profile in a bid for secrecy from one another hahahaha, good luck you numpties hahaha you are entertaining hahahaha that truly is the funniest thing i have thought of in ages hahahaha, all the degrees in in world and yet its the simple logics that escape hahaha.



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Day 88 of OU studies.

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Edited by Casper Smith, Friday, 1 Jan 2021, 20:00

I have spent most of the day in mindfulness, shaking off a head ache i received from the last interaction with my brother. Now for a little background.

Along my life long journey of rehabilitation from the forces in my family, it has been brought to my attention from several different psychotherapist that this journey must consist of, accepting the fact, that certain people in my family, that i was taught to love unconditionally, give my loyalty too and always abide by, are indeed the people that 'for the sake of my mental health' i have to distance myself from emotionally, or indeed cut them from my life.

With out a shadow of a doubt, this is the hardest thing that i haver ever had to do. I was born in to family that taught me that family is everything, that i should never turn my back on my family, that my family were always right and i should defend them at any cost. Once these beliefs had been set in stone in my psyche over decades of habitual teachings, i started to discover that i felt very uneasy with a lot of their customs, traditions and schemas. At that staged i realised i was trapped in a world that would lead me to years of suffering because i did not have the skill set to go against all a i knew. 

I am 46 years old and i have spent the majority of my adult life, trying to separate myself from them and discover who i am with out their influence. 

I am at the point where i have one final relationship that i am very much struggling to sever the tie, and that would be the relationship with my brother. He is the only person in my life that i have an unresolved conflict with, this is a relationship where love is the issue, more of an acceptance of each others emotional inabilities which leads to a disconnection of emotions. 

As children, my Brothers, Sisters and myself (seven in total) were subject to foster parents, The NCH (The National Children's Home), living with relatives and spending the first five years of my life without my Mother and Father, and the traumas that put us all in that situation. 

Within these traumas us as siblings have clung together and got ourselves through some enduring times and it is those enduring times that have made it hard to live with each other and indeed to live with out each other. Emotionally we have developed at different stages and as much as we all love each other, our ability to come together and converse can be very tricky to say the least. 

It is for the reasons i have just mentioned that made the decisions of separating myself from these relationships, the most difficult thing i have ever had to do in my life, bar none, the fact that I am able to sit here and talk about how i am, finally, in a position where i am resolving my last relationship, for me is a frikin miracle. As there have been ample times where i believed that ending my life, would spare me the terror of having to cut myself of from the very same solders that stood by my side while we battled for our lives. 

I now know, that because i am willing to go down with the sinking ship, doesn't mean i have too, just because i would sacrifice my life to spare the mental anguish of my siblings, doesn't mean i have to and because i would die for my family doesn't mean i have too. And that ladies and gentlemen is the most liberating lesson i believe i have ever learned. 

I started to write a blog at the start of my studies with the OU, day one, day two and so on, before this point i had never writ in my life, no diary, no journal no other form of elf expression other than the theatrics of my voice and bodily movements, never read a book in my life. The point is, ever since i have started to write a blog, the emotional, phycological, development and impact is that it is having is astounding, just the simple act of writing has opened me up in a way that i could never imagined.

I feel free, free to say what ever i choose, with no fear only empowerment, free to talk about feelings, thoughts and emotions, i have been given a platform of expression that is incredible and educational. I know this sounds so simple to most, but thats me, simple.



WWG1WGA




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