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C J

Day 87 of OU studies.

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Edited by Casper Smith, Friday, 1 Jan 2021, 20:00

An interesting conversation with my brother, my brother is coming to the end of a life sentence that he received for murder back in 2007. 

The dynamics in my family have been bizarre over the years to say the least. Its not until i try to separate myself from those dynamics and continue to live an average life that I am reminded of how out of sync my families belief system are. 

My Father was a criminal through and through, although my Father would religiously work from dusk to dawn every day of his living life, he was as crooked as a 9 bob note and would encourage this through out the family. My brother picked up on this and formed a formidable partnership with my father, I did not pick up on this and soon become the Blacksheep of the family, i would soon feel the full force of not complying with my Fathers lifestyle from both him, my Brother and the police who would arrest me for my half hearted attempt at being a criminal, which was foolishly applied by myself in an attempt to both please my Father and Brother and seek their approval. 

For some bizarre reason the more crime they committed the better they were, the more time they spent in prison, the better they were, the reward system that was set up in my family for committing crime and going to prison, was one of money, items and bragging rights of police and prison battles. There was never any thought for the victim, infarct when either of them would go to prison then it was they who were the victim, 'i know, work that one out'. 

The pressure to commit crime and indeed go to prison, so that i could smuggle drugs with me and sell them 'as an earner' was relentless from both of them, sell drugs, burgle houses, steal from shops, steal from anywhere, my Father would point to things as we were driving around, and say, 'if you get that i will but it from you' I never wanted do any of that, yet the violence i was met with, was sometimes the lesser punishment of the two, the more i objected the blacker the sheep became, the more i went along with them, the more time i spent in police cells. 

The only way out was to go against my Father so much that he would kick me out of the family home, i mean, being homeless at 13 years old upwards was no picnic but at least i was able to form my own personality that was forged out of the desperateness of survival, but soon turned in to my own, that just so happened to attract people to me, I was like a 24 hour performer that would entertain any one and every one and do almost anything to show loyalty, in the hope of being accepted or giving a bed for however long or feed, or just generally appreciated. 

I soon learned that this would become my instinct for survival. I learned that if people liked me me they would 'pretty much do anything for me' so all i had to do was be me, me, free from the ways of the people that i was taught to love, respect and honour. 

Every now and then my family would cokes me back to the family unit with promises of all i had been seeking from them, only to find out that once i had served my purpose, i was of no use to them anymore and i would be told to leave again, in the form of an orchestrated argument, that was placed at the feet of me suggesting that i had started the argument and it was me at fault. 

I always held my arms open wide receptively towards my family, in the hope that i would be greeted with the same gesture, sadly, i never was and i would feel the full force of their rejection every time. Life like this thickens ones skin and leaves a void that is yurning to be filled, which in my experience it was to filled with things that would only prove to make my situation worse. 

For an even more bizarre reason my brothers life of crime and imprisonment, some how elevated my brother to be a person that every one else in the family would speak very highly of,  admire openly and freely, even after his conviction for murder, i would genuinely have to sit as the Blacksheep in my family, listening to how my brother has this unique way of being and how clever he is, how he has a way of thinking that is so unique. It took a long time for me to accept my families rejection and develop my own sense of self, in fact, it is still work in progress, and in a way i am glad i have the conflicts with my Brother, as it shows me that i am changing and i still hold on to my virtues, that do not fit in.

I have responded to my brother via email, as he seems to only want to get his point across and then tell me he is not interested in any response i have and even hang up, in the email i am making one last stand against brother, in order for him to accept me as i am or i will walk away from the relationship, as i feel i am the one who benefits less from our interaction.

I genuinely feel empowered by my actions and have no regrets, i feel i am as worthy as he and should therefore be treated appropriately. I have learned that blind loyalty between family members have the power to be destructive. I have learned that we are allowed to not like our family members if we so choose and i have learned that i am not obligated to any family members in any way, it is my freedom of choice. And if they cant see that, then i will gladly walk away.



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C J

Day 86 of OU studies.

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Edited by Casper Smith, Friday, 1 Jan 2021, 20:01

I am sat watching a film on netflix named 'Mud bound'. It got me thinking of all the times i have heard people tell people that it is important to travel, to become worldly knowledgeable as it creates a learning and understanding of different cultures and ways of living. I believe the majority of people i knew mistook the sentiment and ended up in India or Thailand trying to find their selves. Mudbound is a film that is part of the black lives matter movement, which is confused by the black lives matter global foundation, but it seems over privileged middle class white people, who believe its fashionable and politically correct to follow, are, with out a shadow of a doubt, have no idea what they are doing and what they are contributing too. The following link could provide some facts on the matter, from Bill O'Reilly, who was fired from fox news and later slurred by the press for speaking out.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GUcYkSu0JG0&list=LL&index=90  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=61do-MF8aw0

The film got me thinking of the time i spent living in Harrisville Mississippi from 1985-1995. From when i arrived, i slept the night and woke in the morning. After taking my cousin to get the school bus and watching her board it, i sat on quad watching the bus drive off in to the distance, only to turn my gaze at the sound of another school bus, only this bus had a sign in the drivers window saying 'colords only' and as sure as i am sitting here, there were nothing but black people sat on that bus. That was my first taste of a country that supported the division of blacks and whites. 

Now i am the son of a Romany Gypsy who also went to school with the children of the over privileged white middleclass people, who believe in fashionable political correctness, i named earlier, so i had my fair share of racist abuse, and terror from people with the same skin color. I am sure you know the type I am talking about, the ones who do lunch and talk about what charities they support while looking down their nose at the homeless man begging in the street. It was their children that made my life misery at school, it was their children that put my emotions in touch with the black people i was visiting in Mississippi as an 11 year old and it was their children that taught me the strength i have today. 

My time traveling the southern states of America, brought me together, with the most influential people I have ever met. I would get great pleasure at the checkouts of Macy's or J C Pennies, when I would go the black man, who's job it was too pack our groceries and I would stand by his side and help him pack, while asking him questions about his life, his school, his likes and dislikes and asking him the best places to go buy the trendy clothes. 

In American supermarkets at the time, it was the stores policy to push your shopping trolley to the car for you, as they were liable for any damaged caused by trollies, the majority of the time it would be the black man's job to do this. By the time me and the black guy had packed our shopping loaded it in to the car and took the trolley back, we were the best of friends. I was overwhelmed with his reaction to my reaction to him, I promise you that it brought a tear to both our eyes. Until that moment I was unaware that I had the power to influence some body in a way that could make a difference to somebodies day

The moment they realised that I was an English Gypsy, who had suffered similar treatment that the hands of white people, it was like a long lost brother reunion. This spurred my want to visit such places like The Lorraine Motel in Memphis Tennessee, where Dr Martin Luther King was shot and killed, the Bishop Charles Mason Temple in Memphis, Tennessee, where Dr Martin Luther King gave his last speech and the bridge in Montgomery Alabama where Rosa Parks refused to give up her seat.

My cousins loved me being there as they were able to go against the teachings of their elders, they were able to be their selves around me and freely express their views with out fear from conflict from the elders in their family, who in their day as children where used to seeing slaves.

Being in a country that allowed racism was one of the most bizarre feelings I have ever experienced and a feeling that i will never forget and visiting my family who I love so very much, who grew up in a society that taught them to be racists, is a concept that i still struggle with today.



WWG1WGA

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C J

Day 86 of OU studies.

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Edited by Casper Smith, Friday, 1 Jan 2021, 20:02

The responsibility of taking care of my beautiful Mother over Christmas has been an absolute pleasure. The last couple of years has seen quite a dramatic change in my Mother's health and being in a position to be able to give her my all is an awesome feeling. Last Christmas day i took my Mother to her favourite restaurant for a five course Christmas dinner, decorated her home and cared for her the best i could, just as my Mother has selflessly cared for me for my entire life. I feel now that the roles of evolution are taking place, it is my honour,, to give to Mother all that she taught me to be. I have been ;living with my Mother ever since lock down started and i can honestly say, there is no one in the world i would rather be with, this is not me being biased, as over the years the friends and partners i have had adore my Mother. Home is where ever she is, this woman is my inspiration, motivation and the source of all thats good in me. Merry Christmas Mum and a happy new year, all my love, always xxx



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C J

Day 86 of OU studies.

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Edited by Casper Smith, Friday, 1 Jan 2021, 20:02

The end of the world as we know it. The fall of the cabal. Its hard not to notice a change around the world today, is it folks. 

Have you ever wondered about that change? 

Is it something we are stumbling across accidently? 

Is it all happening by chance?

Is the world and the people left to do as we please? Hope for the best and see what happens!

Does the world operate with no governance, structure or organisation?

Is our argument really with the temporary governments?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HzPSzeoJzZg

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QZ3KFsLo05k

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u6b58WXtF8M&t=11s

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_gyPJMhrci4&t=32s



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C J

Day 86 of OU studies.

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Edited by Casper Smith, Friday, 1 Jan 2021, 20:03

Happy 79th birthday Dad. Rest In Peace X



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C J

Day 85 of OU studies.

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Edited by Casper Smith, Friday, 1 Jan 2021, 20:01

Ben Hur and leftover turkey, what else is there to be doing on boxing day? 



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C J

Day 84 of OU studies.

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Edited by Casper Smith, Friday, 1 Jan 2021, 20:02

To the OU, DSA, SFE, substance misuse keyworkers, and mental health workers, Merry Christmas, from the bottom of my heart I thank each and every one of you for your continued support over the years, you have all been instrumental in my recovery and I am grateful to you all. Merry Christmas to all who are suffering, struggling and in conflict, whatever your struggle praise you for continuing the battle and not giving in. My thoughts and prayers for all at Christmas time, The merriest of Christmas's to you all.



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C J

Day 83 of OU studies.

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Edited by Casper Smith, Friday, 1 Jan 2021, 20:01

The night before Christmas, all cosy and warm. I dont believe that Christmas is just for the kids, I am not even sure I have the time to think of 'why' people say that, or maybe i do! I have never felt so festive in my life and for all the reason that simplify this time of year. I think people mis-interpret the phrase 'its a time for giving' as there are so many fundamental ways in which we can give to each other that does not involve showing we care and how much we care via a price tag, such as time, compassion, empathy and understanding, a listening ear, a helping hand and forgiveness, surely the latter  are what's Christmas is about Maybe thats why people say its 'just for the kids' because the ability to internalise the fundamentals are washed away with the externalisation of thigs and stuff, nether the less. Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.



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C J

day 83 of OU studies.

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Edited by Casper Smith, Friday, 1 Jan 2021, 20:03

Having a Romany Gypsy background meant that i was taught to be their version of what a man is, this includes never show, or speak about your troubles or emotions, never show a weak side, only tell people what you think they need to know, never trust people or let any one in to your circle, be self sufficient and rely on nobody for no thing. Being taught these lessons was done in a lecturer pupil format, nor in the comfort or regulation of a classroom, office or in the work place, their was no manual, guide book or library to reefer to, you dont even get told you're being taught. You keep your eyes and ears open and your mouth shut, that was the basis for learning, there was no time for explanations, only time for being able to mimic the ways of the teacher. Being able to read their body language, sense their moods, and study their traits soon become habitual, instinctive and second nature. Ever since i broke away from my families belief system, i started from scratch and re taught myself a way of living that was more social acceptable and less damaging to myself. I have never kept a diary, journal or recorded any of my life, or indeed any form of expression other than spoken words. At the beginning of my studies i saw the blog option and decided i would write a blog named day one, the next day i writ anther blog and named it day 2. 80 days later i am very much in the habit and look forward to writing the next one, there is no theme, no specific topic or any structured guidelines, just randomness of whatever is in my thoughts at the time. After my 83 days of writing blogs, i never felt so liberated, empowered and stronger as a result of being able to freely express myself to who ever and when ever i choose to, without fear of consequence or judgement. I think i have gone from one extreme to other, as nowadays i genuinely do not care what i write and who reds it, the fact i feel comfortable expressing myself is the most important thing to me. I have shame and no thing to hide. It genuinely feels like i have total control of myself as opposed to being controlled.



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C J

Day 82 of OU studies.

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Edited by Casper Smith, Friday, 1 Jan 2021, 20:04

For as far as I can remember I have been living a war zone, abuse, neglect, crime, substance misuse, self harm, homelessness, murder convictions, murder acquittals, murder victims, all of which I allowed to turn my own head in to the warzone. Through a lifetime of rebelling against that warzone with the want and willingness to change and become a better person, with the help of Psychology, Psychotherapy, Narcotherapy, substance misuse key workers, The OU and love and support from panicle family members, I have been able to, for the first time in my life, continue to live in my head that is no longer a warzone. Now, Instead of that warzone, living in my head has become an investigative place of self discovery, it has become a place of critical thinking that is non judgemental and fully accepting my faults, my path to overcome those faults and more importantly a place that I can look at the progress that I have made through out my journal and finally notice the good in me, the good that I have achieved and the restored belief in my ability to be able to overcome the trials and tribulations that life will give to me. Never give up hope, never give up faith and never give up the self belief that we can overcome our fears, that we can change and if we choose too, we can be the person we know we are.



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C J

Day 81 of OU studies.

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Edited by Casper Smith, Friday, 1 Jan 2021, 20:04

Defiantly soaking up the spirit of Christmas, Its been a long time since I have been able to overcome life's battles, the anniversaries that mark the occasion of those battles and just sit in the moment and take it for what it is. I have spent a long time chasing my tail for busy ness, all to be seated with crowds of the extra ordinary so that we can compare ego's via the medium of, extra ordinary quests, inanimate objects and money. Only to realise that the simplicity of being sat, right now, right in this moment, with myself or with one loving person, warm and safe in the embrace of a comfortable silence, wanting and needing for nothing, other than the health and safety for ourselves and each other, really is the most complete, soul cleansing and freeing feeling, that does not have multitree value and eradicates all trace of ego, that I have ever, quite simply, been apart of. Maybe I really did have to feel pain in order to appreciate joy, maybe I really did have to suffer to realise that it truly is the simple things that bring balance, peace and happiness. If that is the case, then thank you for my sufferings, bless the higher power for my misery and pain that brought abought my feelings today, as i promise whole heartedly, i would not change a single second, Merry Christmas folks



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C J

Day 81 of OU studies.

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Edited by Casper Smith, Monday, 22 Feb 2021, 13:23
The time it took Philias Fogg to travel the world according to Jules Vern (Le Tour du monde en quatre-vingts jours). Although I have not read the book, or dare I confess, any book for that mater. The only books I have ever read are study materials related to the degree I am undertaking. Compared to Phileas Fogg, I feel somewhat underwhelmed of my achievements thus far, I believed I was doing well reaching my third TMA and completing numerous Open Learn courses when I was first told of covid and everything shut down.
Never mind, a perfect example of why its better for me not to make comparisons. I have a bizarre take on the justification of my not reading any books, as I do not believe I have completed a book from start to finish in my life.
Some say knowledge is power and its its that phrase that I have trouble computing, as, rather than knowledge being power, I see knowledge as the mother of all ruin. As much as the cleverest person in the world believes he knows, he does not know how to prevent and cure disease, he does not know how to adequately feed, water and home each human being and he does not know how to bring an end to war. So I ask, you how important is it to know, when the simple fundamental's of life can not be figured out. What is the use of knowledge when so called clever people can not agree and come together to build on what they know.
Lemmas from Madagascar all share identical faces, whether male or female, young or old, which to the human eye, are unrecognisable and yet a baby of nine months can tell the difference when shown images of their faces, the baby will react every time the age or sex is changed. (Dr Olivier Paschalis, of the Department of Psychology at the University of Sheffield), shared a similar study. We can all agree that a baby of 9 months surly knows nothing, other than what they see and their senses for the first time, which is not shrouded in an unconditioned perception or belief system yet to be learned.
What this study tells me, is that the mind is more powerful the less it has in it, that the mind is more powerful the more open it is. From the age of 9 months each and everyone's care givers send us all down a narrow lane, that is full of, do this, dont do that, believe, this, dont believe that, this is right or this is wrong, because he or she says so. So when you have seven billion plus opinions, perceptions and belief systems telling each other what to think, what to read, what to believe, how to act, what is right or wrong and what to study, surly that closes the mind to an individual belief systems. so the more belief systems we have, the less chance there is of not thinking and when we are not thinking only then is our mind empty and open and less confused, as a result of being full of so many different perceptions and belief systems. This is the driving force of me not being able to help myself when it come to challenging all belief system that are forced upon me and the driving force of me having no wish to fill my head with a billion different thoughts of a billion different authors. 
At this moment in time I find myself swapping my understanding, from what my abusive father taught me, to the ways of the social world, in which there is no right or wrong, just perceptions of judgement passed on from one to another, moreover what happens and when it happens, the study of life while its living, just sitting, observing and taking notes. I do not dare to judge or believe I know, just that I sat and watched, and I understand. This is all work in practise.


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C J

Day 79 of OU studies.

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Edited by Casper Smith, Monday, 22 Feb 2021, 13:17

                                                                        POP QUIZ                                                                                                                                                      

Robert F Kennedy Jnr                                             Mike Graham                                                                        Event 201.                                                               Candace Owens                                    

The rockerfella foundation document 2010.            Max Keiser

The john hopkins medical centre.                           Dorian Yates                 

Professor Delores Cahill.                                        Dave Rubin 

Dr Andrew Wakefield                                              Cell phones and cancer.   

Dr Martin Kulldorff                                                   Alex Jones                                                                            

Dr Judy Mikovits.                                                     Who owns and controls the WHO.                                          

Dr Rashid Buttar.                                                     5G frequency waves/brain waves

Dr li meng yan.                                                        Del Bigtre                                                                                

Dr David E Martin.                                                   Jamie Jenkins                                                                    

Dr Sherri Tenpenny.                                                  Luke Johnson

Judge Janine Piro.                                                   Peter Shiffe                                              

Noam Chomsky.                                                       Rob O'Neil

Professor Michael Lewit.                                          Peter Hitchens      .  

Dr Michael Greger                                                    Niki Willis.

General Robert S, Spalding III.                                 Larry Elder

George Farmer.                                                        Zach Bush

Professor David Miles OBE                                      Charlie Kirk.

Dr Andrew Kaufman                                                James Lindsay

                                                                                 Kenneth Roth

Above is a collective of over 100 professionals, ranging from the 12th century to the modern day, including, physicians, doctors, medical authors, politicians, polemicists, philosophers, clinical immunologists, founders of naturopathic medicines. ophthalmic surgeons, etc etc, all who offer alternatives to the mainstream narrative.

As many names of the professionals as I can remember right now, who studied the mainstream narrative and offer an alternative, I can give you more if you wish. This will help you question the main stream narrative, if you so choose, now, not including news anchors, can any one give as many names that support the mainstream narrative. Remember, when our children or grandchildren ask 'what did we do'? To stand up for civil rights, civil liberties, the freedom to speak, think, feel, express or the right to not acquiesce. What will we tell them we did?


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Question the narrative

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C J

Day 79 of OU studies.

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Edited by Casper Smith, Monday, 22 Feb 2021, 13:21

The day of rest, and rest I did. All chapters completed, all work, up until week 11 completed, notes, schedules and plans in place, just in the nick of time, for TMA03 which is due on the 14/01. So from now until the 2nd of January is Christmas time through and through, I cant wait to do absolutely nothing accept embrace the festive season with my beautiful Mother, and recuperate in preparation for TMA03. Being selective with the tv 'over this period especially' and having a mindset, which seems to be unique to me, means I am able to free myself from the soul destroying misery of what is being spoken about by emotionally stunted, narcissistic sociopaths, who have the ghoul to call their selves politicians, passed on by so called journalists who only have the ability to repeat not report, they should hang their heads in shame along side the spawn of saten for who they serve. Investigative journalism is dead folks, unlike the tyrants who print their poison. I promise with all I hold dear, they will never infiltrate me, with their plague, or spoil any of my festive planes. So boris, you over privileged puppet of satanic worshipping string pullers, Merry Christmas, as my Christmas will be the best ever. 

PS, all we have to do folks is turn off our tv, its that simple, no degree needed. boris doesn't watch it, why are we?



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Question the narrative!

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Day 78 of OU studies.

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Edited by Casper Smith, Monday, 22 Feb 2021, 13:20

Sat watching the 1951 version of A Christmas Carole with Alistair Sim, with my beautiful Mother, this film chokes me every time, infract, every year it chokes me that little bit more. My Fathers side of the family were very money orientated and scrooge is a good reflection of their nature. In contrast my Mother's side of the family could not be more loving, caring and giving if their lives depended on it. Unlike The Christmas Carole, I was never able to see the change in my Father before his murder. Because of my Fathers teachings, I learned and believed that the world was a horrible place and people were out to get me, that I should never trust them and get in there first. While, all the time I was hoping, watching and waiting to see my Fathers change, during this process I missed the all important change of my own belief system of the world and the people in it. Its not until I watch things like 'The Christmas Carole that I am reminded that, firstly, just because I never got to see my Fathers change, a change is still possible, secondly, that I can and did make a change and thirdly, I now see the world as a beautiful place and also the living beings on it. Good or bad, right or wrong, are just perceptions from one to another to comfort us as life unveils it self to us individually. The process of birth, involving the life giving female and the life receiving being is the most natural beauty that human nature can behold, whilst the changing of the seasons and the rise and fall of the sun is the most beauty that the world can behold. It really is that simple to me now. I guess thats why The Christmas Carole chokes me, embracing the change as opposed to the fear of change, I will never let change fear me again.



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Day 77 of OU studies.

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Edited by Casper Smith, Monday, 22 Feb 2021, 13:20

Overwhelmed with the support from DSA, SFE and the OU, I am waiting for an ergonomics assessor to come visit me at my Mothers home, then all assessments and forms will be completed. Because I have a chronic nerve condition affecting my right upper torso, including, hand, arm, shoulder, chest, neck and head, which is psychosomatic, I have a constant stabbing pain going through my right back shoulder to my right chest, its as if i have been stabbed with a spear and the spear is left in me, I also have constant sensations of burning hot, freezing cold, numbness and pins and needles in my two right fore fingers and right thumb, the same sensations running down my face, neck, triceps and fore arm, the back of my right hand constantly feels like I have had the skin removed, while somebody plucks my nerves and tenants like a banjo. If i stand, sit and lay in certain positions, the right side of my head goes numb, intense numbness and pins and needles all over both shoulders, along back ache, head ache and neck ache. Because its a psychosomatic condition i take 16 tablets a day, I take 6 tablets to go to sleep, 5 tablets to wake up, and the rest through out the day, these help dull down the pain but as for the sensations, there is nothing that i can do. It feels like having repetitive strain syndrome  x10, all over, constantly. I can only study, write or type in 10 minute intervals, the pain and sensations distract me from my studies, to the point I have to leave the room and get fresh air. Just like now, aaarrrggghhh 'it's so annoying. Back again, at times 'a lot of the time' I genuinely feel like beating myself with a hammer, or gorging it out with a screw driver. All of this started when I was in an a abusive relationship with a lady who ended up stabbing me. I come from old fashioned people, and I am a bit old fashioned myself, if its broken i fix it, to my detriment, I very rarely ask for help and more or less put up and shut up. Since I have started to ask for help the DSA, SFE and OU have blown me away with the amount of support they have giving me, they really have gone above and beyond. I plod through life dealing with the up's and down's, not giving them a second thought, it's not until i read the assessment report that I realise how things have changed and I am no longer the fit and healthy 18 year old I once was. Reading the report really brought a tear to my eye, it was hard to comprehend that the report was about me. 'Such as life and all it's stages woman work while men spend their wages' comes to mind, I often hear my Mother saying that. Thing's can always be worse right.



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Day 76 of OU studies.

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Edited by Casper Smith, Monday, 22 Feb 2021, 13:19

Three days locked out of my OU web page, all because I am a muppet when it comes to tech, I thought my password was OK, apparently the OU thought that it wasn't, so as you know we had to change our password, nether the less. My EUPD (Emotional Unstable Personality Disorder) and CPTSD (Complexed Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) have an affect on my ability to cope with change, any change, big or small, direct or in-direct, self inflicted or from external forces, its proven itself to me that anything that goes against the habitual nature of my life, my patterns and routines, can have an affect which is quite bewildering at times, I crave structure, routine and balance. Although I have not been diagnosed with OCD or OID, I do share lots of symptoms that are similar to those who have issues with OCD and OID. Its rare for me to label it as 'bewildering' as it can become a stigma that is unnecessarily attached to something that has a logical and rational explanation. I have to try very hard to accept my disorders as rational, logical and are totally understandable given the circumstances, the other option is to internalise my thoughts , feelings and emotions and ridicule myself with names such as, freak, wired, out cast, odd bod etc etc. Now i can get back to my studies with a clear head. Just writing this blog has given me a head ache, so the actual event can take days away from me. So, all in all, everything is fine now and I am grateful that things are not a whole lot worse.



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Day 73 of OU studies.

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Edited by Casper Smith, Monday, 22 Feb 2021, 13:17

Achieved absolutely all the opposites of what I wanted to achieve today, if I had my way I would not have got out bed this morning, my Mother had some chores for me to do and some errand's to run so the choice was taken away from me, but as I said I could of quite happily spent the day sleeping and eating. Family dramas have taken their toll last week, on top of watching my Mother in discomfort, it all became to much. I am actually surprising myself with my coping mechanisms, I am able to be put in stressful situations and no longer build bonfires, as I would have done not so long ago. I believed I was going to wake up this morning and tackle on my studies head on, it was not until I feel asleep last night and woke up this morning that I realised just how, out of whack I was. My previous life has left me feeling frail, timid and very passive, I am only 46 years old and yet I feel like I am 65. I strive for silence and fully feel the effects of anything out of the ordinary, the impact of the dramas from a life I left behind a long time ago, still vibrate around my soul, stopping a dysfunctional life of addiction, crime, abuse and neglect is one step of the life long battle, the toughest part for me is the changing of the mindset and the belief systems that are installed over years from so called care givers. At 46 I find myself going back to school to learn how to re-write my life script, to go against all I have been taught and start again, armed with all I have learned from the experience. I am no longer afraid to say I am scared, or show my vulnerabilities, I am no longer feared of fear, if I am honest the only things I fear today, is the thought of ever being in those situations again and the suffering of my beautiful Mother, and with all I have learned from life so far, those fears are acceptable and manageable. For the first time in my life I feel responsible, I have spent a life time feeling like Peter Pan, and now, and now i feel like a man, and I am happy with that.



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Day 72 of OU studies.

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Edited by Casper Smith, Monday, 22 Feb 2021, 13:16

My Mother woke up this morning feeling so much better, I am so happy that she now feels comfortable, which is a huge relief, a visit to her doctor, or the arrangement to see her doctor tomorrow will make her feel more at ease, as a result i felt more comfortable making a start on my studies today, in preparation for Mondays attack on my studies in general. Safe and sound once again after life testing our ability to stay on top of things and focused. I really do feel confident that tomorrows start on my studies will be panicle of things to come before the holidays start, as i intend to totally switch of over the holiday's and soak up the spirit of Christmas. I really am looking forward to doing as little as possible, other than recharging the batteries and enjoying, and being in the moment, no distractions, no stress, no troubles or worries, time to soak up Christmas and all that comes with it.



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Day 71 of OU studies.

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Edited by Casper Smith, Monday, 22 Feb 2021, 13:16

My Mother was back in hospital last night with pretty much the same issue, i genuinely struggle to cope with watching her suffer, she is so selfless and sucks up whatever life throws at her. She truly is as tough as old boots, my Mum has finally fell asleep on the sofa wrapped up in a tiger blanket, 'my Mum really does love tigers', so i thought i would sponsor one on her behalf and give it to her as part of her Christmas gifts. Its nice to see her in peace and comfy in her home. Home for me is where ever my Mum is, of course, i have my own home and thats home too, but my true home is with her. I couldn't get in to my studies this week and have done very little, so i have lots to do next week, which, if i am honest, i am quite looking forward too. This week has been quite challenging and has stretched my mental health coping capacities far further than what I'm happy with but this too shall pass and i can feel a soft landing coming in to the weekend, all set for take off on Monday. Blessed to have the chance to start again, with every new morning comes a life line, a life line that offers the world and the endless opportunities lived through a new lens.



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Day 70 of OU studies.

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Edited by Casper Smith, Monday, 22 Feb 2021, 13:13

I have drifted away from my studies this week, as life seems to be all consuming. Emotion regulation takes its toll when family is concerned, its seems that a child's loyalty to the family they are born in to is an unsigned, unnegotiated contractual agreement that is set deep in their hearts, there is no fourteen day get out clause, there is no annual review of this contract, just the biological obligation that appears to reinforce itself the longer the contract renews itself, with no conversation or any form of visible communication. Its an unwritten rule that a child must endure whatever emotional burden is put upon them, that a chid must endure the insecurities, the beliefs and the perceptions of another, purely because that child's taught from birth to devote their loyalty, trust, love and affection without question. Right or wrong seems to disappear, the development of thoughts that have the power to see different dimensions become trampled on and squashed, then directed down the avenue of another's perception's and beliefs. That child's free will for the panicle of what will be the basics of their view of the world and all on it, will not have its own organic development, or its own flow of direction to whatever, wherever, whenever. And yet its a common misconception that knowledge is power and we have to be an intellect, an ego driven to pass that knowledge on, an ego driven to be the smartest person in the room, well my friends, if you are the smartest person in the room, then you are in the wrong room, surely a wise man knows, he knows nothing. Its clear to me that the more people know the more stupid they become, we all know the mind works better when its empty an open, what chance is there of that when a child is bombarded with the information, perceptions and beliefs from another that is disguised as love and care. Love and care huh!!



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Day 67 of OU studies.

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Edited by Casper Smith, Monday, 22 Feb 2021, 13:12

What a wonderful time of year, homely and cosy, while the winter days seem determined to chill us to the bone. Could Christmas have ever been in another season and give the same feeling? I'm not so sure. Christmas in the summer doesn't have the same feel for me. We are like human sized squirrel's gathering our 'whatever's' to take back to the homestead in preparation for the Christmas hibernation. I could not think of a better place to be than in my Mothers home, safe, warm, wanting and needing for nothing, safe in the security of each others humanitarian honour, too love, protect and well wishes for one another. I have never felt so content in my life, blessed to be the care giver for my beautiful Mum, who's earned her stripes, paid her dues and fulfilled her loyalties of being my caregiver, I feel honoured to take on the role and responsibility as it evolves and reverses. I will shower my mum with same compassion, devotion, love and understanding in her later years, just as my Mum did for me in my early years, godless Mum, and god bless all Mums, who, unconditionally give their lives to the ones they give life too. goose bumps x



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Day 66 of OU studies.

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Edited by Casper Smith, Monday, 22 Feb 2021, 13:11

I am an extreme  sports nut, i have been following F1 all my life, today was the strangest grand prix i have ever watched, something is not sitting right with Mercedes and Lewis Hamilton. I have followed Lewis Hamilton ever since he raced remote controlled cars. Birmingham Wheels BMX track was an international track that had a practice track in the vicinity, during a race weekend, remote control events would take place on the practice track and when ever a remote controlled car race and a BMX race would take place at the same time, i would go and watch, and of course notice Lewis Hamilton. I met Lewis's Farther and Brother while Lewis was in a trance racing, it was clear to see that he was transfixed on the notion of of being the greatest he could be.

The last race of the season and Hamilton is off with covid, there was no mention with his welfare from the commentators, there was no message from Hamilton 'i will be ok' or what ever, his replacement 'Russel' was picked to take Hamilton's place from no where, Hamilton has not signed with Mercedes for 2021, Russel is rumoured to take Hamilton's place next year, Botas is staying with Mercedes, So where is Hamilton going?

There is an air of trepidation that sits with me over Hamilton's future in F1, i come form a family of racers, BMX, Formula One Go Karts, Formula One Stock cars, Mini Stocks, Banger Racing and Moto X, and its easy for me to get emotionally involved with extreme sport racing. Unlike my family, i think i was the only one who took part not caring if i won or not, i was so busy having fun and away from the abuse from my father that i was just happy.

As much as i loathed my farther, i was very lucky to be given the opportunity to race BMX;s and Karts as a kid, we travelled the world in a converted coach, taking part in National Championships European Championships and World Championships, during my entire time at junior school i never went to school on a Monday as we would always be driving home from a race meeting, bitter sweet.



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Day 64 of OU studies.

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Edited by Casper Smith, Monday, 22 Feb 2021, 13:10

Preparation for TMA 03 (Describe the argument that a consumer society leads to a throwaway society), is well underway. I will be going in to holidays with piece of mind that nothing will interfere with the break, its important for me to be able to switch from everything and enjoy the moment of Christmas, not coperate Christmas, not consumerised Christmas and not a Christmas that involves gluttonises gorging, and have a clear break, balance is the key. Destressing is now a conscious choice, my mental health well being is now the priority over anything and everything and no longer buying in to society as its shapes and remakes itself in to a place that encourages everything i deem to be soul destroying. Poke profit over people up your poopa, take the importance for innominate objects and place it next to profit, take the teachings of mainstream media, emotionally stunt politicians and the technocrats of silicon valley and give it back to the orchestraters and let them bath in all thats possessive and narcissistic, for these people are the true sociopaths and psychopaths. Its not until i stepped out of the forest that i could really see the trees. My world is changing, and now i am the conductor of my own orchestra.



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Day 63 of OU studies.

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Edited by Casper Smith, Monday, 22 Feb 2021, 13:09

Finally, i have caught up, week ten starts tomorrow, and i finished week nine today. Ten days of absolutely no studies during my Mothers illness and its took me all this time to get level and, to top it off i did it with out succumbing to my mental health disorders, i really am learning. I am seeing the signs of my learning and thats the part thats rewarding, thats the part which fuels fire. I dont know whether its age or..............I dont know why it is, i know  I am guaranteed to swirl it around in my mind until i figure it out.

Eighteen months ago, i was an underweight, drug addicted, prolific self harmer, who was a cowering mess, who had spent two years being coercively abused and stabbed by my ex partner, and now i am sitting here, debt free, drug free, self harm free, waiting for my driving licence, eighteen months of OU studies towards a degree under my belt, thirteen courses completed on Open Learn, twelve months of DBT completed, money in the bank, a lovely camper. caring for my mother, sat with her in the warmth trying to figure out why I'm developing the way i am, and trying to figure out why i am progressing, its such a bizarre concept, i dont quite understand. I have been in situations lately, were i have surprised myself with my reactions, its almost as if i can not believe I'm me, if that makes sense.

So many people have stuck by me through my turmoil, so many agencies have stuck by me with compassion, empathy and understanding, there is no way in this world i would have been able to feel the way i do right now, with out them. My gratitude is unlimited for people who helped me, the people who help people that are in a lesser position than them selves. Thank you all, you guys are my celebrities, you guys are the people i celebrate whole heartedly.

I now go to bed with out a mobile phone, when i wake in the morning, i look at the clock to tell me the time, maybe a smart detox is having an effect. My thoughts seem clearer and more concise, i have time not think if i choose too, i have freedom from the invasion of useless information that only appears to feed my ego, ego is not my amigo, I am no longer in competition with IQ's, rather more inquisitive over EQ's. Life's seems slower, as opposed to me trying to make it slow, as i speak i can feel the difference, feel the change, i guess i could try to accept it for what it is, instead of always trying to search for, 'why'!


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