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Richard Walker

One Liner

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Old fashioned beer tankards. I say pooh to them.

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Richard Walker

Playground Joke

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Edited by Richard Walker, Wednesday, 11 Oct 2017, 23:01

Q. How can you get rid of a dessert made from milk?

A. Junk it.

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Richard Walker

One Liner

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I told him, "You're a really good judge." He said, "Well I try".


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Richard Walker

One Liner

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Edited by Richard Walker, Sunday, 8 Oct 2017, 21:55

One fly was talking to another. He's like, "FLIT happens. Get over it."

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Richard Walker

Kuus Kuus Kallike

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Edited by Richard Walker, Saturday, 7 Oct 2017, 23:25

Every morning I listen to music while I shower.

Today I heard a piece I did not know but which I can't forget. It's by Arvo Pärt, Estonian composer, and is his response qhen asked to write a lullaby, nine or ten years back.

"Kuus kuus, kalike". Perhaps it meams nothing in any language but its own lullabyese.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0uCFFoGQV58



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Richard Walker

Alla shopperen

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Edited by Richard Walker, Saturday, 7 Oct 2017, 22:39

Everyone loved the garden centre. Except for the mystery shopper.

He got pushed into a hopper.

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Richard Walker

Alla barnen

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All the kids were very polite. Except Rose.

She kept picking her nose.

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Richard Walker

Owl in a Hollybush

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Edited by Richard Walker, Saturday, 7 Oct 2017, 22:11

My brother Simon took a lovely picture of a Little Owl.


There's a Greek saying, "Glavkes stin Athina" - "Owls to Athens". It's like "Coals to Newcastle". No need, they have plenty there already.

The Little Owl is the mascot or companion of Athene, goddess of wisdom (amongst the goddess' other titles). So owls are considered wise.

Perhaps the most famous coin ever is the silver four-drachma piece from the mint at Athens. These coins were so ubiquitous they were called "owls".

"How much do you want for that horse?"

"Five γλαυκες to you Φιλω."


I love the observation, sympathy and humour shown by the coin designer. I think the headlamp eyes are related to the owl's reputation as a bird of wisdom, and could be the origin.

Last night I heard one of these little birds calling in the night outside my house. Its cry is very evocative.

Image from wikipedia: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Owl_of_Athena

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Richard Walker

Love's Arrows

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Arrows, by any other name, would pierce the heart as sore.

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Richard Walker

Haiku

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Edited by Richard Walker, Thursday, 5 Oct 2017, 21:52

Frankly I don't trust the Moon

I caught him watching us again last night.

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Richard Walker

Musical Daffynitions

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Edited by Richard Walker, Thursday, 5 Oct 2017, 02:24

Barcarolle       Gamble on winning streak

Minuet             Last night's romantic dinner

Romance        Insect scouts

Nocturne         Criticise stage act      

Overture          Your turn now

Rondo              Relative of John Doe, Jane Doe, etc.

Andante           Another relative

Unison             The one at uni

Suite                Grain identification

Operetta          Grain dryer tragedy   

Symphony       Appear odd


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Richard Walker

Expert

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When it comes to crastination, I'm a pro.

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Richard Walker

Wisdom

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Almost nothing in life is as bad as you think it's going to be. Except for changing a duvet cover.

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Richard Walker

Playground Joke

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Q. How do elderly aristocrats get about?

A. On nobility scooters!

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Richard Walker

Crossing over

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Edited by Richard Walker, Monday, 2 Oct 2017, 18:34

Why did the alcoholic cross the road?

To get to the other cider.

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Richard Walker

Playground Joke

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Q. Why are plate spinners so healthy?

A.  Because they have a balanced diet!

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Richard Walker

One Liner

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My sideline is smuggling Greek vases. It's a nice little earner.

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Richard Walker

Problem Solving in the Wild

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Edited by Richard Walker, Sunday, 1 Oct 2017, 22:37

Years ago I had a boss, a mentor really, who had a saying

"Every problem must have a solution."

I liked this; its optimistic note stuck a chord, and I've often trotted it out in the face of a challenging situation. It's worked well for me. Once, an organisation I worked for faced a really serious issue. Everyone who might be able to help avoid the crisis was summoned to a big room. Most people there were, at least metaphorically, clasping their hands to the sides of their heads and rocking slowly from side to side in a despairing manner.

"Every problem must have a solution", I chirped up brightly. "We must be able to solve it." (A bit Bob-the-builder-y. "Can we solve it? Yes we can!")

My colleagues perked up immediately and we got down to at looking what to do. Lots of hard work but we managed and it came right. I've always remembered it.

Luckily there was no logician in the room (I was holding by breath at the time). Otherwise they might have piped up: "Excuse me. It can't be true that every problem must have a solution. What about the problem of finding a problem with no solution? If every problem has a solution there must be a solution to the problem of finding a problem with no solution, so there must be a problem with no solution. It follows that not every problem has a solution, otherwise we reach a contradiction." This would have held things up a bit.




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Richard Walker

Stan Kelly-Bootle

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Edited by Richard Walker, Saturday, 30 Sep 2017, 20:05

Stan Kelly-Bootle was an unusual combination of a folk singer-songwriter and a computer scientist. His most famous song was Liverpool Lullaby

Oh you are a mucky kid 
Dirty as a dustbin lid 
When he hears the things that you did 
You'll get a belt from yer dad… 

The song was recorded by (amongst others) the Ian Campbell Folk Group, Judy Collins, and Cilla Black.
At the same time Kelly-Bootle followed a career as a pioneer computer scientist, on both sides of the Atlantic, and wrote several important books on computing.
He also wrote a humorous book, The Devil's Data Processing Dictionary, a witty and sardonic skit on the computer jargon and technology of the 70's and 80's. An example definition
Computer Science: A combination of astrology and numerology, but lacking the accuracy of the former and the precision of the latter.
Another example
Recursion: See Recursion
is timeless, but most of the book depends too much on vanished technology to be funny today.
I was reminded of the Dictionary when preparing for a 10-minute talk on algorithms I was giving recently. I wanted to illustrate that an algorithm that may never stop is (arguably) not an algorithm. This reminded me of Kelly-Bootle's 'Algorithm for perfecting human happiness'. In essence it was
1. Is human happiness perfect?
2. If NO, improve it and return to Step 1.
3. If YES, stop.
I ended up using the following variant from the excellent xkcd series, because it not only may not stop; it is positively guaranteed not to.







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Richard Walker

Winter Haiku

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Who's that knocking at the gate?

If it's who I think

Tell him I'm not in.

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Richard Walker

Autumn Leaf Speaking

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Selfish hangers-on

You will be frost-whitened

I shall go down

In a burst of flame

To the good of our tree.

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Richard Walker

I Say, I Say

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Edited by Richard Walker, Monday, 25 Sep 2017, 22:55

I say, I say, my salamander won the local quiz.

How could a salamander do that?

Because he newt all.

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Richard Walker

Some More Of Me Daffynitions

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Edited by Richard Walker, Sunday, 24 Sep 2017, 23:17
Aperture          Term also used in fencing
Concave          Fraudulent grotto
Convex            Persons sentenced for crimes, as in
                        "The convex were transported to Botany Bay".
Dispersion       Show disrespect toward long-haired cat
Focal               Outspoken
Optics              Surgeon's "To do" list
Parallax           Lower limbs of biped
Prism               Place where convex are incarcerated
Ray                  Half-hearted cheer
Varifocal           Extremely outspoken 
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Richard Walker

Popsicle Stick Joke

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Edited by Richard Walker, Sunday, 24 Sep 2017, 17:19




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Richard Walker

The Colour of Magic

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Edited by Richard Walker, Sunday, 24 Sep 2017, 00:08

When I was quite young I formed the impression that the first few numbers were associated with particular colours.

Thus

  • One is white
  • Two is red
  • Three is yellow
  • Four is green
  • Five is yellow 
  • Six is red

After that the feeling becomes vague. I think there were once more, but only these few remain vivid to me. There are some other coloured numbers; for instance 

e = 2.718281828...

is yellow, no doubt of it.


Later I learned a little music, and found that keys had colours. C Major is red, A Minor green, F Major blue, D Minor an inderterminate colour, B flat Major green etc. I don't literally see the colours, but to me E Major is irrevocably yellow.

Do other people have similar experiences? Do they think of letters of the alphabet as coloured, for example?


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