OU blog

Personal Blogs

C J

Day Five of OU studies.

Visible to anyone in the world
Edited by Casper Smith, Friday, 1 Jan 2021, 18:50
Its took some time and now my daily routine of waking up at a decent hour, having breakfast at breakfast time, lunch at lunch time and dinner at dinner time, finished off by going to bed at a reasonable time ready to do the same tomorrow. Such an everyday, simple task yet it has took me years to get back to it.
Whilst facing in my demons in rehab back in 2016 I committed the cardinal sin of starting a relationship, a relationship I would learn to regret with all my soul.
                  
               It did not take long for the relationship to tern toxic, at first it started with being accused of theft, because she had short term memory loss and every time she couldn't find something I was accused of taking it, then it turned in too having milkshakes and glasses of wine throw in my face which turned to having dinner thrown over me, then the whole plate, moving quickly to having my glasses ripped from my face and scrunched up while being repeatedly struck in the face with the butt of her hand, my clothes set on fire, being locked out of her house while she goes out, emotionally blackmailed to the point where I never saw my own mother for 18 months.
                  Whilst the physical abuse was taking place, along with it came the verbal abuse 'how can any one love you when your own mother didn't even want you', 'you probably enjoyed what your dad done you freak' 'you slimy dirty thieving pykie' 'your lucky to have me'.
                  Who would of thought that a 5'ft 5'inch white middle class lady with MS could do this to a 6'ft 1' inch man with a Romany Gypsy background who was brought up on the wrong side of the track, not only that who would believe me if I told them, I finally got the strength to leave this lady after she stabbed me in my right upper arm, well I say after, but it was 6 months after.
                 
              I had her arrested and during this process I was manipulated to get back with her, little did I know
that the time this was only so I would drop the charges, by this point I had lost 6 stone in weight, my self harming was at a all time high, my eating was being controlled, when I showered was being controlled, when I smoked and who I interacted with was being controlled, I was suffering depression unmedicated unable to communicate with any one other than my ex, I really was in a bad way. And any insecurities I had from the past abuse I suffered at the hands of my father and the neglect and abandonment from my mother were soon back to haunt me.
                 
               I left a duel diagnosis rehab 'the prodigal child' I really was a txt book case of how CBT/EMDR/Neuro feedback and EEG therapy should work, I returned to the substance miscues charity I was working for and each and every one of them were completely over whelmed with the transformation in me.
                 
               Around the time of my ex partner stabbing me around the 8/8/08, I started to feel an overwhelming pain in my right arm, shoulder, back, chest and neck and because of her coercive abuse and control it to a long time living with the pain before I could get to see a doctor.
when I finally got to see my doctor I told him what had been going on with my ex, so naturally we thought that the stab wound was responsible for the pain I was suffering, so I had x-rays taken, it turned out not to be the stab wound
                 
                  After examining the x-rays the doctor told me I have an abnormal rib growing out of the bottom of my neck on my right side at the same level as my collar bone, it was suspected by the doctor at the time that I could have CRPS (complex regional pain syndrome) I had further CAT scans and MRI scans which further led the Professors to believe it was TOPS (thoracic out path syndrome) which would involve me having my collar bone removed and three ribs from my lower neck, TOPS is where nerves and muscle get pinched between my cervical rib and my collar bone. The operation has a low success rate and there is a chance of total paralyses,
                   
                   All of the above took a period of around year, experimenting with medication, the uncertainty of what was wrong with ne and how to fix me, now would you believe me if I told you that the chronic pain I was suffering was not CRPS or TOPS or even a result of being stabbed, the doctors final conclusion was that my injuries were not biological they were brought on psychologically, the stress, mental and emotional repression was such that it was making my body physically unwell. In other word's 'psychosomatic'
In February I was diagnosed with CPTSD (complex post traumatic stress disorder) and BPD (borderline personality disorder) I see two therapists a week and take anti psychotics and anti depressants. I take medication for the chronic pain in my right upper torso i.e.; hand, arm, shoulder, chest, back, neck, face and head.
                   With in 3 years I have gone from being the prodigal child who's mental health and physical health were totally fine, having a promising carer in my newly found vocation of working with people who have substance misuse issues. To taking 16 tablets a day for a chronic physical condition, two mental health disorders, I am now registered as disabled, I see two therapist once a week, I see a CPN twice a month, I see a physio once a week and pain management solutions once a week and attend substance misuse groups four times a week, all because of the wrong choices I made and not being strong enough to up and leave.
If you are going through similar, please dont keep it a secret, please dont think they will get better, and if you are a man I know how you feel,
                   I've witnessed my mum as a victim of domestic abuse and directly, I've witnessed domestic abuse and from my experience there are differences in the way we were treated, dont carry their shame, its theirs not yours, there is a way out and you can over come it, the help and support is there, we have to break through the barriers and reach out for it. Good can come from bad and when it does its a special kind of good, so embrace it and be the best you can be, I believe you can, I believe in you, as of now I believe in me too.
                All of this makes my studies a  pleasure, the journey of self discovery and finding out why along the way, the power of understanding, the wisdom from emotion, the enhancing of suffering overpowered by will and determination to fight for the right to be sane empowers you to the extent were substantial changes can be made and a greater part of life can take place, I would not swap the pain and suffering for all the riches in the land, I'm happy to be me, to think and feel the way I do. So to all my abusers I say thank you and take your power away, to all my abusers I say I've learned so much that empowers me, to all my abusers I no longer blame or carry your shame, to all my abusers 'you freed me'.

WWG1WGA
Permalink
Share post

Comments

Jane Cummins

New comment

I read this intently and winced when I read the things she said to you in hate. I didn't want to scroll by without commenting. So, all power to you for finding your strength and realising we can turn things around no matter how huge they are

I wish you well on your journey.

C J

New comment

Thank you Jane for taking time to read my post, if I'm honest with you this id my first blog ever, and I didn't expect it to be read never mind commented on, so thank you again, it is much appreciated. Also i wish you well in your endeavours Jane.