Edited by Casper Smith, Wednesday, 13 Jan 2021, 03:46
Life seems to taking over at the moment, as i have to live life on life's terms i am powerless, well i have the power to hold tight and hang on until things settle down.
I have asked for a few days extension on TMA03 as it would relieve some pressure, i may not need it, although its nice to know it's their if i do.
Sometimes i for forget that i have mental illnesses and guess what? Sometimes i remember. It's like someone comes and sits on my lap while i am driving and takes over all the controls, yet my sight is not interfered with and i can clearly see the car being steered in directions that i did not not indicate to or indeed it continues to drive while i have both feet firmly on the brake pedal and what's also nice is when i clearly believe its time to put my foot on the accelerator, i do not move as i can see the brake pedal is flat to the floor.
Fighting it seems senseless yet instinctual, the id strikes, the want to relax and have blurred vision of faith in the new driver, gives me the feeling of a continuous ice cold shower and takes me out of my mind. The ability to understand myself drives me nuts, the ability to analyse myself 'you would think' would bring about a place of restfulness and yet i am left thinking that surly ignorance is bliss.
Blasted Psychotherapists, encouraging me understand, so now what? what do i do with this understanding? I truly do not want to know, knowing brought me here and yet it seems that knowing can not help me leave, just locked in a life long battle of trying to unknow.
I do not care for desire, the id strikes again, yet its intrenched in my brain ready for battle. My curiosity stretches as far as my personal development, as the routine is such, its all i have ever done. my ego is such where i merely survive on my needs, yet, oh contraire, my super ego is over loaded with doubts, questions and criticism's of every thing any one has ever told me, taught me or suggested to me.
I store peoples stories like I'm a hoarder of thoughts, desperate, in the hope of hearing the words that will defuse the confused and leave them fused in a place where all makes sense. In my hast to live in reality my imagination only serves to contradict until i feel burdened by the genetic make up of me, it feels like my mind is at war with my mind, my imagination, ego, super ego and id are all questioning and analysing their selves as though there is not trust between them and i am front row of the show craving shut down, craving 'lights off' if only for a moment. Being at war is something, being at war with yourself is torturous, being in prison is one thing, being in prison in your mind is just as torturous, i guess its time to try sleep now.
Day 102 of OU studies
Life seems to taking over at the moment, as i have to live life on life's terms i am powerless, well i have the power to hold tight and hang on until things settle down.
I have asked for a few days extension on TMA03 as it would relieve some pressure, i may not need it, although its nice to know it's their if i do.
Sometimes i for forget that i have mental illnesses and guess what? Sometimes i remember. It's like someone comes and sits on my lap while i am driving and takes over all the controls, yet my sight is not interfered with and i can clearly see the car being steered in directions that i did not not indicate to or indeed it continues to drive while i have both feet firmly on the brake pedal and what's also nice is when i clearly believe its time to put my foot on the accelerator, i do not move as i can see the brake pedal is flat to the floor.
Fighting it seems senseless yet instinctual, the id strikes, the want to relax and have blurred vision of faith in the new driver, gives me the feeling of a continuous ice cold shower and takes me out of my mind. The ability to understand myself drives me nuts, the ability to analyse myself 'you would think' would bring about a place of restfulness and yet i am left thinking that surly ignorance is bliss.
Blasted Psychotherapists, encouraging me understand, so now what? what do i do with this understanding? I truly do not want to know, knowing brought me here and yet it seems that knowing can not help me leave, just locked in a life long battle of trying to unknow.
I do not care for desire, the id strikes again, yet its intrenched in my brain ready for battle. My curiosity stretches as far as my personal development, as the routine is such, its all i have ever done. my ego is such where i merely survive on my needs, yet, oh contraire, my super ego is over loaded with doubts, questions and criticism's of every thing any one has ever told me, taught me or suggested to me.
I store peoples stories like I'm a hoarder of thoughts, desperate, in the hope of hearing the words that will defuse the confused and leave them fused in a place where all makes sense. In my hast to live in reality my imagination only serves to contradict until i feel burdened by the genetic make up of me, it feels like my mind is at war with my mind, my imagination, ego, super ego and id are all questioning and analysing their selves as though there is not trust between them and i am front row of the show craving shut down, craving 'lights off' if only for a moment. Being at war is something, being at war with yourself is torturous, being in prison is one thing, being in prison in your mind is just as torturous, i guess its time to try sleep now.
WWG1WGA