Imogen: What’s the worst thing about Cornwall?
Hermione: The long journey from Surrey with Jasper and Seraphima asking ‘Are we nearly there?’ for the last four hours?
Imogen: That’s before you get to Cornwall.
Hermione: Winter?
Imogen: Worse than that.
Hermione: The way that storms come in suddenly from the sea? It can be scary when you’re surfing.
Imogen: No.
Hermione: That cafe on the beach where the waitress has a stud in her nose?
Imogen: Not quite.
Hermione: Sharks?
Imogen: Not since 1845.
Hermione: Smugglers?
Imogen: Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum. No. You’re just guessing now.
Hermione: I thought that’s what I was supposed to do.
Imogen: Grockels.
Hermione: What are grockels?
Imogen: People who don’t really live in Cornwall.
Hermione: You mean people like you and me.
Imogen: One is not a grockel. Vere’s family has owned a place in Cornwall for over a hundred years. We’re fourth generation Cornish.
Hermione: But you spend most of the year in Surrey.
Imogen: It’s all about roots and property.
Hermione: Are you saying I’m a grockel because my parents only have a semi in Worthing?
Imogen: Whilst you’re with Hugo, you’re honorary Cornish. And Worthing’s very nice I’m sure, although it’s not quite Cornwall.
Hermione: Thanks. I’m honoured.
Imogen: But I’ve got some really thrilling news.
Hermione: Oh how exciting. Has Hugo’s decree nisi come through?
Imogen: Vere is standing for parliament at the local by-election.
Hermione: Oh. Good. But what’s that got to do with grockels?
Imogen: Which party do you think he’s standing for?
Hermione: Tory?
Imogen: Please. We’re not lefties.
Hermione: So obviously not Labour. Not Liberal Democrat. Not Green.
Imogen: We don’t use those words in this house.
Hermione: UKIP?
Imogen: Absolutely. He’s going to cleanse Cornwall and give it back to the true Cornish. No more grockels.
Hermione: But don’t grockels bring a lot of money into the local economy?
Imogen: We don’t need that kind of money.
Hermione: But what about all the caravan parks, camp sites and bed and breakfasts?
Imogen: I rest my case. Have you ever seen the kind of person that stays in those places?
Hermione: But I’ve stayed on a camp site. It was great fun.
Imogen: It’s a good thing Hugo is liberal in his outlook.
Hermione: I didn’t think you used that word.
