Imogen: What’s the worst thing about Cornwall?
Hermione: The long journey from Surrey with Jasper and Seraphima asking ‘Are we nearly there?’ for the last four hours?
Imogen: That’s before you get to Cornwall.
Hermione: Winter?
Imogen: Worse than that.
Hermione: The way that storms come in suddenly from the sea? It can be scary when you’re surfing.
Imogen: No.
Hermione: That cafe on the beach where the waitress has a stud in her nose?
Imogen: Not quite.
Hermione: Sharks?
Imogen: Not since 1845.
Hermione: Smugglers?
Imogen: Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum. No. You’re just guessing now.
Hermione: I thought that’s what I was supposed to do.
Imogen: Grockels.
Hermione: What are grockels?
Imogen: People who don’t really live in Cornwall.
Hermione: You mean people like you and me.
Imogen: One is not a grockel. Vere’s family has owned a place in Cornwall for over a hundred years. We’re fourth generation Cornish.
Hermione: But you spend most of the year in Surrey.
Imogen: It’s all about roots and property.
Hermione: Are you saying I’m a grockel because my parents only have a semi in Worthing?
Imogen: Whilst you’re with Hugo, you’re honorary Cornish. And Worthing’s very nice I’m sure, although it’s not quite Cornwall.
Hermione: Thanks. I’m honoured.
Imogen: But I’ve got some really thrilling news.
Hermione: Oh how exciting. Has Hugo’s decree nisi come through?
Imogen: Vere is standing for parliament at the local by-election.
Hermione: Oh. Good. But what’s that got to do with grockels?
Imogen: Which party do you think he’s standing for?
Hermione: Tory?
Imogen: Please. We’re not lefties.
Hermione: So obviously not Labour. Not Liberal Democrat. Not Green.
Imogen: We don’t use those words in this house.
Hermione: UKIP?
Imogen: Absolutely. He’s going to cleanse Cornwall and give it back to the true Cornish. No more grockels.
Hermione: But don’t grockels bring a lot of money into the local economy?
Imogen: We don’t need that kind of money.
Hermione: But what about all the caravan parks, camp sites and bed and breakfasts?
Imogen: I rest my case. Have you ever seen the kind of person that stays in those places?
Hermione: But I’ve stayed on a camp site. It was great fun.
Imogen: It’s a good thing Hugo is liberal in his outlook.
Hermione: I didn’t think you used that word.
Comments
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Now, why do I feel nervous when these two head my way, I wonder?
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Do either of these ever meet the locals (apart from mentioning the waitress)? I've had some rum remarks made to me by, I'm sorry to say, Hermione's class, along the lines of, 'I didn't think you were one of them.' Not sure what Cornish people are supposed to be like
That's another sitcom, I think.
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Hi Elizabeth,
I think Hermione doesn't really perceive any intrinsic difference between Cornish people and people from anywhere in the UK, hence she's surprised by Imogen's point of view. Being Hugo's girlfriend, she's too polite to fall out with her potential mother-in-law by direct disagreement, although she does occasionally put forward her own point of view carefully phrased as a question.
There are several conflicts going on between these two girls - including the obvious class warfare and location issues. I picked Cornwall for the setting because it avoids the rather overworked Welsh-English, Essex-Suffolk, Lancashire-Yorkshire, north-south divides.
As you've probably realised I know virtually nothing about Cornish people and until Hermione and Imogen burst in on my personal space I thought they were just the same as other English folk (rather like Hermione does). When I discover more about the Cornish personality, I shall certainly involve them in the conflict. Hopefully they'll turn out to be highbrow versions of Adge Cutler and the Wurzels.
As an aside, I find Imogen's ferocious and completely unfounded claims to be Cornish - when she patently isn't - quite amusing. But they are symptomatic of her compulsive snobbery. Wherever she is she's going to be running at the front of the pack and better than everyone else. (Of course it's quite possible that Imogen is typically Cornish, but somehow I doubt it.)
Please do not be nervous!
Best wishes,
William
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Hi there, William,
I am impressed how you keep coming up with these conversations without losing any of the humour or getting stale.
Yes, absolutely, the way Imogen inverts reality to create her own little world is what makes her hilarious! Not just in her claim to be Cornish, either! Don't know if it was deliberate, but her snooty dismissal of camp sites, B&Bs etc (businesses which help the Cornish economy) whilst owning a second home here (which aggravates our housing/homeless problem for real Cornish people) really does sum up a certain mind set. Brilliant!
(A 'smiley' in each of my first two comments might have been in order - these two don't need explanation! Please excuse
)
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'..."I didn't think you were one of them." Not sure what Cornish people are supposed to be like.'
On same day, at 12:21, William said: '...I know virtually nothing about Cornish people...'
and:
'Hopefully, they'll turn out to be a highbrow versions of Adge Cutler and the Wurzels.'
Elizabeth replies: heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh
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William, hope you don't mind strange old Cornish women infesting your blog
Please just delete if I make you nervous (persistent fans must be a nightmare! 
). Thought you might like some data.
On 24-04-14, the UK government officially recognized the Cornish people as a distinct ethnic group. We are now no less Celtic than our Welsh or Breton cousins. (English? Aaaaaargh!) Something we always knew of course. Can't remember the dates offhand but the EU and UNESCO recognized us years ago.
The language is taught in schools and bilingual road signs are pretty well everywhere you go these days...
We may be one of the poorest economies in the EU and our schools may be underfunded by central government but bilingualism is a distinct educational advantage...
Keep up the blog! Love it!
Chons da dhis jy!
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...that should be '...dhiso jy'
Typo. Please excuse.
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Many thanks Elizabeth. Your comments are always welcome and apposite. I very much welcome all your contributions. It would be very hard to keep writing if I thought no one were reading - although I very much enjoy writing these conversations as they're a welcome distraction from the more serious aspects of creative writing.
I shall try to learn more about Cornwall. (As a model it's very similar in my mind to Wales which I know a little better.)
Please feel free to comment whenever the spirit moves.
All best wishes,
William
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That's very kind of you, William. Thank you.