Went for a walk today (hooray! Sunshine!') and couldn't help but notice that dog's poo seems to be back in fashion. When I was a littlun it was everywhere you walked, especially if walking down one of the many 'dogshit alleyways' that led to any of the local parks. Then things seemed to improve for a few decades, what with fifty pound fines and pooper scoopers and little plastic baggy-waggies etc.
But in the past year or so it seems to have come back with a vengeance, and dodge the dung has become the order of the day again when walking kids to school or popping to the shops for your daily loaf of bread and pint of gin (I jest, of course. Nobody eats wheat anymore, surely?). And I can't help noticing that this huge growth in the amount of dog eggs we see seems to correspond directly with the number of spotty little 'erbs in trackies and hoodies dragging 'ghost face' pit bull crosses around and the similar growth in chubby little bat faced mollies with Chihuahuas, pekes, and snivelling little shiatsu’s tucked under their armpits. What do you reckon the chances are of any one of them actually having a plakky baggie in their pocket or clutch bag? Yerse, me to.
Now I know I'm a bit radical in my thinking about this, but along with Chelsea Tractors and mobile phones doggy-doo is one of my pet hates. I'm hoping to find like minded people so we can lobby government and local authorities to introduce regular dog-mess patrols, made up of HUGE muscular blerks going round in pairs and 'encouraging' dog walkers to clean up behind their animals...
One thing I have noticed is that if you do see someone letting their dog squeeze one out on the path and you actually confront them about it, you'll always have happened to catch them on the ONE DAY that they had forgotten to bring a bag with them, or the day they ran out of them. Personally, I think that's just too big a coincidence, and I suspect they might not be being entirely honest about their usual poop scooping habits. But to be fair, I think we should give them the benefit of the doubt, so I propose that in the case of a 'first offence' they be treated with leniency, and if they have pockets or a handbag they can just pop it in there and be let off with just a caution. Second offence should be a fine, and they have to carry it home in their bare hands, and repeat offenders should just be given a plate and spoon (or knife and fork if the consistency demands), followed with a damn good kicking for 'afters'. Mostly, I hold the dogs blameless, and some I believe actually take it upon themselves to clean up after other dogs (lurchers are known for it, apparently), but I do think the dog-mess patrollers should also be equipped with scaled down versions of the stun guns used to humanely destroy cattle for situations where overly vicious (or 'yappy') dogs (or owners) are encountered...
What do you think, then? Firm but fair?
Oh- talking of 'firm but fair' you still don't see much white poo about do you? When little we used to think this was poodle’s poo, but I'm now reliably informed it has to do with the fact that dogs don't get fed bones anymore, and that for 'white' you should actually read 'calcified'. Perhaps, in that case we should add bright food colouring to all dog foods - at least that way they'll stand out more when we're walking along the road, and I guess from a distance it would look like flowers.
We could have different 'seasons' of different colours - i.e. with Easter coming up all yellow...
Doggy Doo Doo Doo (push pineapple shake a tree)
Went for a walk today (hooray! Sunshine!') and couldn't help but notice that dog's poo seems to be back in fashion. When I was a littlun it was everywhere you walked, especially if walking down one of the many 'dogshit alleyways' that led to any of the local parks. Then things seemed to improve for a few decades, what with fifty pound fines and pooper scoopers and little plastic baggy-waggies etc.
But in the past year or so it seems to have come back with a vengeance, and dodge the dung has become the order of the day again when walking kids to school or popping to the shops for your daily loaf of bread and pint of gin (I jest, of course. Nobody eats wheat anymore, surely?). And I can't help noticing that this huge growth in the amount of dog eggs we see seems to correspond directly with the number of spotty little 'erbs in trackies and hoodies dragging 'ghost face' pit bull crosses around and the similar growth in chubby little bat faced mollies with Chihuahuas, pekes, and snivelling little shiatsu’s tucked under their armpits. What do you reckon the chances are of any one of them actually having a plakky baggie in their pocket or clutch bag? Yerse, me to.
Now I know I'm a bit radical in my thinking about this, but along with Chelsea Tractors and mobile phones doggy-doo is one of my pet hates. I'm hoping to find like minded people so we can lobby government and local authorities to introduce regular dog-mess patrols, made up of HUGE muscular blerks going round in pairs and 'encouraging' dog walkers to clean up behind their animals...
One thing I have noticed is that if you do see someone letting their dog squeeze one out on the path and you actually confront them about it, you'll always have happened to catch them on the ONE DAY that they had forgotten to bring a bag with them, or the day they ran out of them. Personally, I think that's just too big a coincidence, and I suspect they might not be being entirely honest about their usual poop scooping habits. But to be fair, I think we should give them the benefit of the doubt, so I propose that in the case of a 'first offence' they be treated with leniency, and if they have pockets or a handbag they can just pop it in there and be let off with just a caution. Second offence should be a fine, and they have to carry it home in their bare hands, and repeat offenders should just be given a plate and spoon (or knife and fork if the consistency demands), followed with a damn good kicking for 'afters'. Mostly, I hold the dogs blameless, and some I believe actually take it upon themselves to clean up after other dogs (lurchers are known for it, apparently), but I do think the dog-mess patrollers should also be equipped with scaled down versions of the stun guns used to humanely destroy cattle for situations where overly vicious (or 'yappy') dogs (or owners) are encountered...
What do you think, then? Firm but fair?
Oh- talking of 'firm but fair' you still don't see much white poo about do you? When little we used to think this was poodle’s poo, but I'm now reliably informed it has to do with the fact that dogs don't get fed bones anymore, and that for 'white' you should actually read 'calcified'. Perhaps, in that case we should add bright food colouring to all dog foods - at least that way they'll stand out more when we're walking along the road, and I guess from a distance it would look like flowers.
We could have different 'seasons' of different colours - i.e. with Easter coming up all yellow...
I wandered lonely as a cloud
That floats on high o'er streets and shops
When all it once I spied a crowd
A host of golden doggy plops.