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You need to put on a Yosemite Sam voice when reading today's blog headline BTW...

Among the many MANY things that really annoy me (I make the grumpy old men on 'Grumpy Old Men' look positively chirpy) are those situations when you find yourself trying to offer advice to people who will only see what they want to see regardless of how flawed the argument underpinning their perspective or how solid the basis of any logic offered in opposition to it.

So after being frustrated in that way today I penned the following to vent steam:

The Princess and the Pekinese

Once upon a time there was a Princess. The Princess was very sad, because her pet Pekinese 'Peeky' had just died.

  'Why don't you get another one?' her father, the King, suggested.

  'Oh, I'll never find another Pekinese so loving and gentle and loyal and friendly' the princess wailed, 'there really is no point in looking'.

  For weeks and weeks the princess whinged her way around the castle with a face like a slapped arse. She sulked in the scullery, moped around the moat, blubbed in the banqueting room, grizzled in the gatehouse, cried in the courtyard, ranted in the ramparts, pouted by the portcullis, dawdled dolefully by the drawbridge, traipsed tearful through the towers and even gave bawl in the great hall. Everyone, including the King, who loved her above all others, got quite sick of the sight of miserable little moo.

  'Right,' said the King, 'I've had enough. You're getting a new dog and that's final!' So he sent out his Knights on a quest to search the pet shops throughout the land and find as many Pekinese puppies as they could.

  When all the Knights had returned (with the exception of those who said 'ni', who disappeared into the shrubbery and were never seen again) the king had all the Pekes lined up in cages in the great hall, and escorted the Princess along the line so she could make her choice.

  She looked into the second cage. 'Too thin,' she said, 'off with its head!' and off it was taken to be beheaded.

  She looked into the next cage. 'Too tall,' she said, 'off with its head!' and off it was taken to be beheaded...

  And on it went, for hour after hour, for there were many Pekes and many cages to be examined, and none seemed to satisfy the very exacting standards of the princess. Some had eyes that were too big, some eyes too small, some had tails that failed to wag while others waggled too wilfully.

  Mile after mile of cages were examined, as pile after pile of peke heads piled, until only one solitary cage remained, inside of which trembled the tiniest most timid looking Peke you could ever imagine.

  'Oh, no,' said the princess, off with its head. it's too...too...'

  For a moment she was lost for words, having used up every negative she could think.

  'Ahhhhhhhhhh,' said the King, hopefully, but then -

  'It's too vicious looking' said the princess,  quick, quick, take it away, I'm frightened.'

  The King was stunned. He leaned forward and looked into the cage.

  'Why, he's tiny' said the King, no bigger than a little grain of couscous.'

  'He's vicious, I tell you,' said the princess, 'I can feel it in my bones.'

  'But he looks more scared of you, the poor little mite' said the King.

  'Pah!' said the princess, 'he's just biding his time, the evil little shiatsu'.

  'I'm sure he's not,' said the King, 'and he's a Peke, not a shiatsu'.

  'Peke? Peke? A Freak more like - a malevolent, murderous, malicious malcontent if ever I laid eyes on one. Put it to the sword, daddy, before it bursts from the cage and rips us all apart.'

  By this time the King was getting more than a little bit peeved with the princess.

  'Guard,' he said, 'release the poor little creature, let's have a closer look'.

  The guard did as he was asked, and as the door of the cage swung open the little animal moved timidly forward. The King picked it up and held it shivering in his hand. The little puppy sniffed and licked, snuffling gently with his little wet nose between the King's fingers.

  'Why, he's adorable,' said the King, and cuddled him closer.

  'Adorable?' said the princess, 'that... that... killer?'

  'Look, you've got it wrong' said the King, 'he's an absolute delight, just hold him yourself and see'.

  'Right. Right,' said the princess, 'I'll show you. Put him down on the floor'.

  The King did as his daughter asked, and no sooner was the little puppy on the ground than she poked it with the tip of a royal stiletto. The little puppy whimpered softly. The Princess poked him again, harder, and he gave a little yelp. He looked up with big, mournful eyes, and she brought back her foot and kicked him high into the rafters.

  'I say!' said the King, calm down, love.'

  The little dog landed in the corner and the princess rushed towards him, but as she approached the little chap fled to avoid her.

  'Guards, stop that dog! she shouted, and the guards quickly formed a circle around it with their shields.

  Peering over the top, the princess took a spear from one of the guards and poked the peke in the belly. The peke moaned. She poked again, and the peak whined pathetically, looking round forlornly for a gap in the shields. She prodded again, and the peke whimpered, cowering from the pointed blade. She poked again, and he barked in terror. She poked again and he bared his tiny teeth.

  'See - I told you there was something wrong with him' said the princess. 'Now: Off. With. His. Head.'

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[NB: I must confess that I'm probably equally capable of making the occassional trip to that same Egyptian River ;). Let he is without sin and all that...]

:D