Personal Blogs

Ben and I were watching something with James May in the other day and he was talking about S.E.X. and reproduction, and he said that sperm are travelling at around 28mph when they, erm... when ‘launched’. Blimey! You could have somebody’s eye out with that! I mean, it doesn’t sound much, but when you think that the fastest speed recorded for a running human is 27mph it’s pretty obvious why the rhythm method is such a useless form of contraception. 1mph – the difference between a get out of jail free card and a life sentence... hardly seems fair, does it? Mind you, that 27mph is going to be running forward, isn’t it, which wouldn’t really apply. We’re going to be even slower reversing, so I guess effectively we haven’t got a cat in hell’s chance. So wear condom’s peeps, you know it makes sense. And stand well back when you light the blue touch-paper too, and never go back to one that’s smouldering...

He also said that each of us is carrying around about 2lbs of ‘gut flora’ at any given time, which sort of makes a nonsense of drinking yoggits with even more in – all they’ll be doing is displacing the ones that are already there and making them homeless... ‘Bloody bifidus immunatas, they come in here taking our homes and jobs...’

He also mentioned something about 2 ½ pints of farts per day, but I was a bit confused by the liquid measure. I mean, I don’t know about you, but... I considered farting onto an inverted 2 pint pyrex measuring jug for a day to see if the smell leaked out of the bottom (top) by bedtime, but TBH it didn’t sound very practical or hygienic. I mean, I make my custard up in that jug and everything.

Anyhoo, hardly great telly, but a very entertaining half hour for kids of Ben’s age that’s a lot less annoying than Top Gear or The Gadget Show. If you’ve got thirteen year old boys (that’s ‘boys aged thirteen’, not a baker’s dozen of 12 monthers *tsk*) point ‘em towards it on catch-up – they’ll thank you for it, I’m sure. Just make sure you hide the pyrex...