Edited by Ruth Jenner, Thursday, 9 Oct 2014, 13:10
Hi my name is Ruth I'm 26 and live in Barnsley. I'm new to the o.u and doing Arts past and present leading to English literature and creative writing. MY dream is to be a writer one day and with this in mind I've been working on a piece of writing, which started off as g.c.s.e work and then I just got a bit carried away and it went on and on as a sought of hobby. Get to the point Ruth! Ive decided to write an episode each week in the hopes that I can get some feedback on my work and see where I'm going wrong although I warn you my spelling and grammer is not always good. So here goes
Episode 1
Twelve long years had gone by and Satune wondered if he would ever beget a child to continue his line. Satune was fast approaching forty, a wiz-end and battle scared man, he had seen many atrocities in his life most of his own making it could be argued, but yet as the years of his loneliness seeped down into the melting pot of life, the vivid image he once had of raising, loving and being loved by a son of which he could be proud seemed to sink to the bottom of this bottomless pot, replaced by the ripples of blood and terror he'd rained upon his enemy, and the further he reached for this dream the more the waters dispersed until nothing remained of the unrequited dreams of his youth.”Call the shah-man muttered satune miserably. The shah-man entered, crows feathers protruding from the red bands around his youthful arms and clad in a gray wolf skin tunic with a red band around the waist, his eyes were almost thoroughly black with just a tiny ring of dark brown around the circumference of his enlarged pupils, an unearthly figurine of a man, tatty and unshaven with an untoward smile that promised no good, but yet Satune in his desperation sought the comfort of this mans words and hoped somehow if he searched this man hard enough that this sinister guise would fall away and in its place would reveal a golden orb of light that would cast its rays on he and his wife.”Khan “ said the shah-man playfully his mouth contorting around the puss filled abscess on his gruesome chin. “the bones” uttered satune impatiently. The Shah-man's eyes flickered and his grin widened. “very well “ replied the Shah-man “ and what do I ask them”. “Ask them when my wife will bare me a child” said Satune. The Shah-man took a brown bag from about his person shook it in his two hands while making a childlike dancing motion , faster and faster he strode the marquis floor until he was a torrent of whirling gray, spinning so fast that the red band across his wolf skin tunic became an optical illusion , a spinning disk encircling him, suddenly the band dropped to the floor and upon it was a line of blood stained bones. The man was still. “What do they say” said Satune, bubbling with enthusiasm. The Shah-man looked at him unsympathetically and said “your wife shall never bare a child”.Satune hung his head and rubbed the fingers of both hands across his brow in a frustrated motion. “But WAIT” said the Shah-man.”Their may be another but we must invoke the spirit”he screamed. A servant handed the Shah-man a rat. The Shah-man sliced the rat open spilling its intestines onto the plate he stirred them with a spoon, spat in the middle and then added a metallic powder from the same bag in which he had stored his beloved bones the powder on contact with the blood hissed and bubbled furiously, he handed Satune a Knife “your blood” he said. Satune took the knife slit a small cut in his finger and squeezed out a few droplets of blood into the mixture with that the Shah-man threw the bowl into the red inferno. All at once screaming blue flames leaped up from their resting place, merging with a now fluorescent green heart of the fire, the heat could be felt from outside the marquis and inside this green heat stick men began to dance about and tell a tale to which the Shah-man started to narrate.”A peasant girl” he began “You must take her as your bride, From the womb of thine enemy you will beget a line of male entirety. But beware the shadows of the past ”. Shadows? Said Batu. “The spirit is vague said the Shah-man. “What of my wife” said Satune. The spirit requires a sacrifice” the shah-man proclaimed, raising his arms into the air. “She must be crushed to death in the manor of a traitor, until her body exhales her soul , the soul must be caught in this vessel and given to me as payment” continued the shah-man.
Tears began to well up in the eyes of the broken Khan. “And what if I refuse”. “Then your dreams and all you posses will be plucked away from you one by one, and your lands dispersed among your enemy”. “Leave me” said Satune his head in his hands, He began to pace the marquis confused and overwhelmed by the words of this outsider, he stepped out of the marquis to seek solace in the starlight, but non could be found, The cool air served as no refreshment to his reddened face and heated temperament and the breeze only irritated him more so, He gazed up at the moon and in that moment he could of sworn that the stars mocked him with their beauty, a beauty he had only had the time to admire once before when he was a young man and he had laid beneath them with his love some twelve years before and promised to honor her and make her his Queen.
Just as the Khan started to break down he heard a raucous break out among the men. He pulled himself together and walked around the marquis to find a young boy of about fourteen standing before him in peasants attire. “Khan” he said “The Cudorian are defeated”. VICTORRYYY” shouted the Khan. “And what of the survivors” said the Khan.”They are fled khan to Meridig we believe. It is thought King Bolvodose offers refuge to them, only two remain, they were captured as they retreated towards the border” . “Traitor” shouted the khan. “King Bolvodose is a fool and shall die as such. Our army’s are to be mobilized, come sunrise we ride to the meridighan border. Bring forth the captives” three soldiers gathered round the two men and pushed them to their knees. “Lieutenant” shouted Satune “Take these men and lay them beneath the planks on which the men feast this night and when they are crushed let them feast on their flesh, and lieutenant one more order” the Khan muttered in a tortured voice “My wife” Satune choked on the words he was about to say. “My wife is to be laid with them. Inform the Shah-man of this.” the lieutenant looked at Satune sorrowfully “Yes Khan. “But lieutenant the queen, she is to be left in tact her soul belongs to the Shah-man now”. “of course Khan and will you be dining with the men ”.The Khan shook his head.
episode 1
Hi my name is Ruth I'm 26 and live in Barnsley. I'm new to the o.u and doing Arts past and present leading to English literature and creative writing. MY dream is to be a writer one day and with this in mind I've been working on a piece of writing, which started off as g.c.s.e work and then I just got a bit carried away and it went on and on as a sought of hobby. Get to the point Ruth! Ive decided to write an episode each week in the hopes that I can get some feedback on my work and see where I'm going wrong although I warn you my spelling and grammer is not always good. So here goes
Episode 1
Twelve long years had gone by and Satune wondered if he would ever beget a child to continue his line. Satune was fast approaching forty, a wiz-end and battle scared man, he had seen many atrocities in his life most of his own making it could be argued, but yet as the years of his loneliness seeped down into the melting pot of life, the vivid image he once had of raising, loving and being loved by a son of which he could be proud seemed to sink to the bottom of this bottomless pot, replaced by the ripples of blood and terror he'd rained upon his enemy, and the further he reached for this dream the more the waters dispersed until nothing remained of the unrequited dreams of his youth.”Call the shah-man muttered satune miserably. The shah-man entered, crows feathers protruding from the red bands around his youthful arms and clad in a gray wolf skin tunic with a red band around the waist, his eyes were almost thoroughly black with just a tiny ring of dark brown around the circumference of his enlarged pupils, an unearthly figurine of a man, tatty and unshaven with an untoward smile that promised no good, but yet Satune in his desperation sought the comfort of this mans words and hoped somehow if he searched this man hard enough that this sinister guise would fall away and in its place would reveal a golden orb of light that would cast its rays on he and his wife.”Khan “ said the shah-man playfully his mouth contorting around the puss filled abscess on his gruesome chin. “the bones” uttered satune impatiently. The Shah-man's eyes flickered and his grin widened. “very well “ replied the Shah-man “ and what do I ask them”. “Ask them when my wife will bare me a child” said Satune. The Shah-man took a brown bag from about his person shook it in his two hands while making a childlike dancing motion , faster and faster he strode the marquis floor until he was a torrent of whirling gray, spinning so fast that the red band across his wolf skin tunic became an optical illusion , a spinning disk encircling him, suddenly the band dropped to the floor and upon it was a line of blood stained bones. The man was still. “What do they say” said Satune, bubbling with enthusiasm. The Shah-man looked at him unsympathetically and said “your wife shall never bare a child”.Satune hung his head and rubbed the fingers of both hands across his brow in a frustrated motion. “But WAIT” said the Shah-man.”Their may be another but we must invoke the spirit”he screamed. A servant handed the Shah-man a rat. The Shah-man sliced the rat open spilling its intestines onto the plate he stirred them with a spoon, spat in the middle and then added a metallic powder from the same bag in which he had stored his beloved bones the powder on contact with the blood hissed and bubbled furiously, he handed Satune a Knife “your blood” he said. Satune took the knife slit a small cut in his finger and squeezed out a few droplets of blood into the mixture with that the Shah-man threw the bowl into the red inferno. All at once screaming blue flames leaped up from their resting place, merging with a now fluorescent green heart of the fire, the heat could be felt from outside the marquis and inside this green heat stick men began to dance about and tell a tale to which the Shah-man started to narrate.”A peasant girl” he began “You must take her as your bride, From the womb of thine enemy you will beget a line of male entirety. But beware the shadows of the past ”. Shadows? Said Batu. “The spirit is vague said the Shah-man. “What of my wife” said Satune. The spirit requires a sacrifice” the shah-man proclaimed, raising his arms into the air. “She must be crushed to death in the manor of a traitor, until her body exhales her soul , the soul must be caught in this vessel and given to me as payment” continued the shah-man.
Tears began to well up in the eyes of the broken Khan. “And what if I refuse”. “Then your dreams and all you posses will be plucked away from you one by one, and your lands dispersed among your enemy”. “Leave me” said Satune his head in his hands, He began to pace the marquis confused and overwhelmed by the words of this outsider, he stepped out of the marquis to seek solace in the starlight, but non could be found, The cool air served as no refreshment to his reddened face and heated temperament and the breeze only irritated him more so, He gazed up at the moon and in that moment he could of sworn that the stars mocked him with their beauty, a beauty he had only had the time to admire once before when he was a young man and he had laid beneath them with his love some twelve years before and promised to honor her and make her his Queen.
Just as the Khan started to break down he heard a raucous break out among the men. He pulled himself together and walked around the marquis to find a young boy of about fourteen standing before him in peasants attire. “Khan” he said “The Cudorian are defeated”. VICTORRYYY” shouted the Khan. “And what of the survivors” said the Khan.”They are fled khan to Meridig we believe. It is thought King Bolvodose offers refuge to them, only two remain, they were captured as they retreated towards the border” . “Traitor” shouted the khan. “King Bolvodose is a fool and shall die as such. Our army’s are to be mobilized, come sunrise we ride to the meridighan border. Bring forth the captives” three soldiers gathered round the two men and pushed them to their knees. “Lieutenant” shouted Satune “Take these men and lay them beneath the planks on which the men feast this night and when they are crushed let them feast on their flesh, and lieutenant one more order” the Khan muttered in a tortured voice “My wife” Satune choked on the words he was about to say. “My wife is to be laid with them. Inform the Shah-man of this.” the lieutenant looked at Satune sorrowfully “Yes Khan. “But lieutenant the queen, she is to be left in tact her soul belongs to the Shah-man now”. “of course Khan and will you be dining with the men ”.The Khan shook his head.