Imogen: Did one hear your yelping during lunch?
Hermione: It was more an expression of surprise and shock with an undercurrent of disgust and revulsion.
Imogen: Ah. I see. Did Lord Hamptonshire put his hand upon your knee?
Hermione: About fourteen and a half inches higher.
Imogen: I think he liked you.
Hermione: He certainly liked the Krug.
Imogen: You were very composed under pressure. I think we’ve made a good impression. Very helpful for Hugo’s new hedge fund.
Hermione: I felt dreadful telling all those lies.
Imogen: They weren’t really lies. More poetic license.
Hermione: Technically they were slightly inaccurate statements. My father didn’t go to Winchester. I didn’t go to Benenden. I haven’t played lacrosse for England. The Duchess of Cambridge doesn’t drop in for tea on Sunday afternoons with little George. And I haven’t done a Cordon Bleu course.
Imogen: He won’t remember anything other than you were good fun.
Hermione: Not quite as much good fun as he’d have liked.
Imogen: Anyway he’s accepted your invitation to come round for dinner with you and Hugo.
Hermione: But I didn’t invite him.
Imogen: I invited him on your behalf.
Hermione: But I don’t know how to cook and I don’t know how to use Hugo’s Aga. Neither does he.
Imogen: No problem. I’ll get my friend Nigella to come round and do the necessary. Then you can relax and enjoy Hampton’s company.
Hermione: Nigella? Really? The Nigella? I adore her. She’s fabulous. Oh how thrilling!
Imogen: Nigella Braxton-Huntingdean. She’s a cut above the one I think you’re referring to.
Hermione: Oh!
Imogen: We don’t do TV dinners for Lord Hamptonshire, do we?
Hermione: I suppose not.
Imogen: You’ll adore Nigella BH.
Hermione: I’ll try to. Will he be bringing Lady Hamptonshire.
Imogen: Possibly not. They don’t usually go to the same things at the same time.
Hermione: Just like the royal family so they don’t all get taken out together if something goes wrong.
Imogen: Exactly.
Hermione: Let’s hope Nigella BH doesn’t give us all a dose of e coli.
Imogen: Certainly not. Although she was once associated with a rather exotic strain of salmonella.
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Rescued
Looks increasingly like poor Hermione needs to be rescued. We can then leave the rest to the exotic (and deadly?) strain of salmonella...
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Hermione certainly needs to be rescued. But not immediately. Hermione needs Imogen as much as Tom needs Jerry. However we could lose some of the less attractive characters to a dose of botulism. Leave it with me.