Imogen: Good morning Hermione. What does one traditionally do on Boxing Day?
Hermione: Go to the Boxing Day sales?
Imogen: Not in Cornwall.
Hermione: One fries the leftover goose with bacon and mushrooms and serves it as a risotto.
Imogen: Delicious I’m sure. But no.
Hermione: One makes curried goose?
Imogen: No.
Hermione: Goose and chutney sandwiches? Goose salad? Goose with garlic and herbs? Goose stroganoff?
Imogen: Nothing to do with goose. Nothing to do with food.
Hermione: That’s a relief I’m not hungry after that wonderful lunch yesterday.
Imogen: So? What does that leave?
Hermione: Charades? Sardines? Bridge? Backgammon? Monopoly? The Great Escape?
Imogen: Hunting.
Hermione: Hunting? I thought blood sports were banned.
Imogen: It’s a drag hunt.
Hermione: Oh what fun! Does that mean all the men dress up...
Imogen: Please Hermione, one does not do that kind of thing in Cornwall.
Vere: Did it in Chelsea once with old Quentin Featherstonehaugh at an old school reunion. Hwah! Hwah! Great fun. Blonde wigs. Fishnet stockings…
Imogen: That’s quite enough of that Vere.
Hermione: So what is drag hunting?
Imogen: We drag a bag of aniseed and animal urine over the fields and the horses and dogs have to chase the scent.
Hermione: What a wonderful idea. I’m so pleased no animals get hurt.
Imogen: Only if they get in the way of the hunt.
Hermione: But they don’t do that, do they?
Imogen: Very occasionally. Terribly regrettable and all that.
Vere: Hwah! Hwah! We don’t have a chap with a fox in a sack just waiting for the hounds to go past. Hwah! Hwah!
Imogen: And you can wear those boots, jodhpurs and pink jacket that Hugo gave you yesterday.
Hermione: Yes, I was wondering why he bought them for me.
Imogen: And we’ve borrowed a horse for you.
Hermione: But I don’t ride.
Imogen: What do you mean you don’t ride? Everyone rides.
Hermione: Not quite everyone.
Imogen: Didn’t your parents give you a pony when you were a little girl?
Hermione: I rode on a donkey at the seaside once.
Imogen: Perfect. We’ll need to give you a quick riding lesson. Then you can canter along at the back and catch up at the kill… I mean when the dogs get their paws on the aniseed bag.
Vere: Hwah! Hwah! We call it a kill in honour of the good old days when there was proper hunting. Hwah! Hwah!
Hermione: Actually I think I’d probably better stay at home. I don’t feel too good. Slight hangover. Krug OD.
Vere: You’ll be fine. Just don’t try to jump any of the higher fences at full gallop. Some stupid arse broke his neck a couple of years ago. Hwah! Hwah! Still carries his head at a funny angle. Shouldn’t have had all those brandies at the pub first. Hwah! Hwah!
Hermione: I’ll remain behind to look after Jasper and Seraphima
Imogen: They won’t be here. They’re coming with us.
Vere: Yes. It’s time they got properly blooded. Hwah! Hwah!
Hermione: Blooded?
Imogen: He means sprayed with aniseed and urine. Old Cornish tradition.
Vere: Hwah! Hwah! Nearly let the cat out of the bag there.
Hermione: I sincerely hope no one lets the fox out of the sack.
Vere: Very quick my dear. Hwah! Hwah! Hwah! Hwah! Lucky chap Hugo.
Comments
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Does being one of the poorest regions in the UK make it okay to stereotype us like this & would you feel comfortable doing it to any other minority William? I've spent Christmas at or near home in Stithians & haven't seen any hunts, I don't know anyone who either hunts or agrees with killing for fun. There's quite a lot of us down here & a tiny minority hunt, hopefully even fewer do so illegally if that's your point. That's my direct experience of living here, if your blog relates yours then I'm sorry.
On a lighter note I can vouch for nursing mothers being welcome to feed their babies in Cornish pubs and restaurants without being told to sit in a corner by a gobby ex-stockbroker, that was sorted decades ago. C'mon metropolitan England, do catch up!
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Many thanks for your comment Chris. I think you have jumped slightly to the wrong conclusion. The only stereotypes in this series are Imogen, Vere and Lord Hamptonshire - and they're all about as Cornish as Prince Charles. I've based this series in Cornwall because I happen to know some English folk from the central counties who own holiday properties in Cornwall. I might equally well have located the series in Wales, Norfolk or Cumberland. This isn't really satire, but if it is, it's directed at some of the privileged types who feature in the works of PG Wodehouse, Evelyn Waugh and Nancy Mitford. Believe it or not, they still exist and thrive in many parts of England - I have met them and spoken to them! Hopefully it will comfort you to know I'm not a member of the Countryside Alliance - I don't do blood sports. My views on fox hunting parallel those of Oscar Wilde who described it as the unspeakable in full pursuit of the uneatable.
Please feel reassured I mean no disrespect to Cornwall - I haven't been there yet but it's on my bucket list of things to do before I die. Please also take comfort that I do my best to support the Cornish economy by drinking vast amounts of Doom Bar and Tribute and I adore Cornish pasties.
With all best wishes, and thanks again for your comment,
William
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Gorthugher da, Chris!
Kernewes ov vy ha Kerneweger ynwedh.
That second bit is only half true. Whilst I am a Cornishwoman (Kernewes) I'm not entirely a Cornish speaker yet unless my beginners' certificate counts. The important thing is, I'm working on it. Like you, I'm also 'down here' and it's great to see someone speaking up for the Cornish people.
On this occasion, I think our credibility is safe with William. Don't know if you've seen his earlier Imogen/Hermione conversations (do look if you haven't!). An hilarious send up of the upper classes! Anyone coming to Cornwall with nasty bloodsport proclivities, taking our housing, rubbishing our language, culture and history and looking down their noses at us deserve to be 'sent up'. In my view, William could go a lot further and I wouldn't mind. I'm looking forward to the grand finale when we have a great uprising and the guillotine comes back as in the French Revolution (just kidding of course - but the thought of the housing that would free up for desperate locals...!!)
If you want to stand up for Cornish people, Chris, you could do worse than complain to the OU about their statistical page on surveys they send to students. We're supposed to have the option of ticking a 'Cornish' box when asked our ethnic identity and there is no sign of one. No surprise either that the Scots, Welsh and Irish have boxes but not us. Grrr. The OU just will not accept we are here and have a right to exist. I shall bang on about this until the it recognizes our ethnic identity and gives our language equal status with Welsh. If the EU, UNESCO and a (very, very grudging) UK Government can recognize us, then why not the OU? Good God, you can already discuss your study needs in Welsh!!
Sorry William, I've taken over your blog AGAIN!!
Oll an gwella,
Elizabeth
The Big Day
'...French Revolution...' '...guillotine...' blah, blah...
William, these English folk from the central counties with second homes in Cornwall... Where did you say they lived?
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Thanks Elizabeth. You can take over my blog any time you like. Your support is more than welcome. Hopefully Chris will realise that I'm not saying anything bad about Cornwall.
Re: Guillotine. These people live everywhere. They often have second homes in London, the Dordogne, Tuscany and perhaps a shooting lodge in Scotland near a good salmon river. Their main residences are usually in Surrey, Berkshire and Oxfordshire (especially Henley on Thames).
Best wishes,
William
PS I hate to be nit-picky but wouldn't widespread use of the guillotine constitute a blood sport?
Nit-pickiness and bloodsports
Well, you're allowed to be nit-picky and maybe the guillotine could be seen as a bloodsport.
Perhaps we could use language in a duplicitous and cunning way and make an exception of it. Maybe we could insist we didn't enjoy it, or something? Or that it serves a purpose and isn't just mindless cruelty for its own sake?
Interestingly, the Conservative and Ukip parties (who ironically represent these people) want to get rid of the hunting ban. Perhaps it's just a question of voting in a particular way? You've given me something to think about!
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I'm not sure there are any good parties - the best thing about voting for UKIP is knowing just how annoying it will be for David C and Ed M.
I'm afraid the Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens has persuaded me that widespread use of the guillotine may do more harm than good. (Although it's quite entertaining to draw up lists of people who might benefit from the process.)
Lessons from history
Voting Green is a far, far better thing that I do than I have ever done... etc. I liked that book as well.
Interestingly, I've heard it said that Monsieur Guillotine was actually motivated by compassion when he invented the gadget that carries his name. Apparently, earlier methods of human dispatch were so slow and agonizing (involving a wagon-wheel or something? But how could a 1960s chocolate snack have any bearing on it?
) something else was desperately needed. Also, the 'slow' bit was no good if you were planning industrial scale laughter.
Ah well, back to my last and needle. Or should that be knitting?
Typo
Sorry... that should be 'slaughter' not 'laughter' - last word, penultimate paragraph.
We should be allowed to edit these comments!!
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Being broken on the wheel can't have been much fun as it involved having 12 long bone fractures before having your chest stoved in with a heavy iron bar. I suspect the guillotine was much more humane although evidence suggests the consciousness was retained for up to 15 seconds after decapitation.
Yes, I agree about the edit facility on comments - indeed it's very difficult to change anything in the OU forums (although you are given 30 minutes grace for some things). Laughter instead of slaughter had me slightly worried about you for a moment or two!
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You are disturbingly well-informed about this method of execution, William. How could anyone possibly know about the 15 second idea?
...and you were worried about me?
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Nothing to be worried about Elizabeth! In the novel Perfume: The Story of a Murderer by Patrick Suskind, there is a lurid description of being broken on the wheel. The human brain contains sufficient oxygen for cognitive function for up to 15 seconds after cessation of cerebral blood flow. I can't remember where I picked this fact up from - possibly during my medical studies many years ago.