Imogen: Come quickly Hermione. Look out of the window. Tell me I’m not seeing what I think I’m seeing.
Hermione: Relax. It’s fine. It’s Jory the out of work tin miner. You met him in church at the carol service.
Imogen: I feared as much. I knew I’d seen him recently.
Vere: Ah! Hello girls. Did one hear excited voices?
Imogen: Vere. Turn the hounds loose at once, Vere. We have an intruder in the grounds.
Vere: Isn’t that a bit nineteenth century Russian, old girl?
Hermione: More like Ivan the Terrible I think. You can’t...
Imogen: Some pre-Revolution Russian ideas are worth adopting. Please do it at once.
Hermione: Stop! It’s Jory. You can’t turn the dogs on him.
Vere: Hwah! Hwah! Jory eh? He’s not an intruder. Splendid chap. I invited him here.
Imogen: You’re going soft in the head Vere. What on earth are you thinking? He’s not our type of person at all. I insist you set the dogs loose at once.
Vere: Hwah! Hwah! You’re over reacting old girl. Magnificent fellow. Played in goal for Penzance Magpies. They’ve still got a photo of me in their clubhouse.
Imogen: Why’ve you invited him here? Do you want Jasper and Seraphima listening to his hideous mangled English?
Vere: I’ve asked him to put up some goal posts in the garden for Jasper.
Imogen: Somewhere out of sight I hope.
Vere: Where I can see them from my study window. I’ve arranged for his son to come round and play football with Jasper.
Imogen: This is just too awful. But I suppose if it’s just the goal posts and he goes away afterwards never to be seen again, I can cope with that. So long as his boy doesn't expect to come inside the house.
Vere: Actually I’ve got a rather nice surprise for you darling.
Imogen: I hope it’s not like your nice last surprise. I really didn’t enjoy sleeping beside an open sewer surrounded by drug dealers and hypodermic needles.
Vere: Hwah! Hwah! Not quite how I'd describe Glastonbury.
Hermione: And it was worth it for Bruce Springsteen.
Vere: Mansions of glory in suicide machines. Don’t write them like that anymore.
Imogen: You’re in on this, aren’t you Hermione?
Hermione: Me? Whatever...
Vere: You know you’ve always been going on about our needing a butler and housekeeper.
Imogen: Yes Vere. Be careful how you break this to me.
Hermione: You’ll love this one Imogen.
Imogen: Why is one not convinced?
Vere: I’ve persuaded Jory and his wife to be our butler and housekeeper.
Imogen: You’ve done what?
Vere: Hwah! Hwah! I knew you’d be thrilled.
Imogen: One means mortified surely. He’ll be as much use as a donkey at the Derby. And as for that slattern...
Vere: No listen. They’re going to be apprentices. Hugo’s sorted it all out for us. He’ll be trained by someone who used to work at Buckingham Palace. Minimum wage for three years. We get a government grant and Charles will cough up a few quid from one of his charities. It’s hardly going to cost us a penny. Hwah! Hwah!
Hermione: Please say yes Imogen. He’s been out of work for a year and he’s desperate for a job. And he’s a lovely man.
Imogen: Let me put on my spectacles. Ah that’s better. Perhaps he’ll look all right in white shirt and tails and gloves... and it will be nice to have someone to polish the silver and clean the Aga. He can come round when I’m shopping so I don’t have to see him.
Vere: And we can do proper dinner parties darling. All the trimmings. Someone to take the hats and coats.
Imogen: It doesn’t look as if I’m going to have any say in this. Very well. He’s on trial for one week and if I don’t like him he goes. Grant or no grant.
Hermione: Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Mwah! Mwah! Mwah!
Imogen: Please control yourself. You’re ruining my make-up.
Comments
Raw nerve
What a stroke of genius to make Jory their butler and expose the way Cornish workers are treated! I never saw this coming. Brilliant!
I've been away from the blogosphere for many weeks and when I came back a few days ago, couldn't find you all. So disappointing. Then in a flash of inspiration
I put your name and 'OU blog' into google and... hey presto!
If they are not 'visible to the whole world' it's likely I don't have access to them doing it that way though(?). Oh, bring back the olde dayes when things were simple!
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Hi Elizabeth. So good to hear from you again. Many thanks. My blog is visible to the whole world so no problems there. I'm afraid I've been neglecting Hermione and Imogen as the TMAs are beginning to pile up and I'm having to write boring poems and short stories instead of concentrating on my two favourite fictional women. Hopefully I'll be able to start writing again in May before the next module of my course starts. (I'm thinking of doing the script in iambic pentameter but that might be counterproductive).
Very best wishes,
William
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I've a TMA deadline pressing on me as well, so I won't be in the blogosphere as much as I'd like (such a good excuse not to study!).
If you can keep up the script in iambic pentameter, I take my hat off to you!
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Of course I won't be trying to do anything too clever with the Cornish dialect as I don't know where the stressed syllables are.
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Many thanks for your suggestions Elizabeth. I think I must have deleted them by mistake. Apologies. Yes, it might be feasible to do the West Country dialect in iambic pentameter - I'll assume it sounds a bit like Adge Cutler having a good time. But I'll leave the Celtic tongue well alone.
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Please don't apologize - I deleted them on purpose... it suddenly occurred to me I might be taking over your blog... didn't want to come across as a groupie...
There is no 'West Country Dialect' (except in the heads of upcountry folk). The folk of Devon are/sound nothing like the folk of Cornwall... ditto Bristol, Somerset, Dorset... all different. In fact West Cornwall different from Mid-Cornwall etc. Adge Cutler from Somerset... people from the China Clay villages north of St Austell sound different from the folk from villages south of the town... etc etc. We might have the post-vocalic 'r' in common and a long 'a' but that still leaves the rest...
You might be OK with 'Woss on' etc anywhere in Cornwall!
Don't neglect your course work, me 'ansome!
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Many thanks Elizabeth.
You've more than welcome comment on my blog - if it weren't for your positive remarks I'd probably have abandoned my blog long ago. Groupies are an excellent idea too. They make bloggers feel more like rock and roll stars than mere bloggers.
Thanks also for the clarification of the different types of West Country Folk - it's all slightly more complex than I realised. I wonder what part of Cornwall Rambling Sid Rumpo came from?
Kind regards,
William
'Ullo, mi dearios'
'The Terrible Tale of the Somerset Nog' (song by Rambling Syd Rumpo aka Kenneth Williams) suggests he was from Somerset
Was this a real accent or something invented by Kenneth Williams for comic affect? Hm.
I don't think...
You wouldn't have abandoned your blog, William! You're a natural!
Accents
I don't think Cornwall and the west of England are unique in this. Everywhere you go in the world you find this sort of thing. Accents, dialects and languages merging into each other. The degree of it would depend on the geographical mobility of the people themselves. Sad to think the subtleties are being lost.
You might like U214 - Worlds of English!
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Thanks again Elizabeth. There is a kind of universal West Country accent that we use in Essex where every sentence is preceded by 'OooH Aaargh' this sounds exactly like our imitation of the Norfolk accent where we leave out the above and replace it with 'Well, Oi don't knows abaht thaat'. Interestingly the word grockel is used in north Norfolk where they still hide road signs to stop grockels finding their way around (they're in for a rude awakening when they discover about SatNav).
Rambling Sid Rumpo aka KW was a source of inspiration to my generation and I'm afraid I used to know the words of all his songs. Happily I've forgotten most of them. (I've still got one of his LPs on vinyl somewhere in the attic.)
I'm not certain if I'm a natural blogger - I haven't come across any other blogs that remotely resemble mine. I shall have to start writing how nervous I am about forthcoming TMAs or how disappointed I am with my grades if I want to qualify as natural. Which reminds me I've got 2 TMAs and an EMA coming up in the next 10 weeks and I really must get started on them...
Pesky fans
Don't reply to this, William, or your TMAs will suffer (as indeed mine is).
I just wanted to say that I missed out a word in my last comment. I meant to write '...Cornwall and the SOUTH west of England...'. This concept exists in the heads of Government Departments and others.
I check every comma before hitting the button and find I've left out a word...!
Grockles and Emmets
'Grockles' isn't actually used by Cornish people (I've never heard them say it). Devon folk use it. West of the Tamar, we say 'Emmets'. Everyone here knows 'Emmets'! Something to do with congested roads and swarming!
Sat Nav
I was depressed to find my own hamlet on Sat Nav. It only happened in the last year or two. I really miss people not knowing where I am. Suddenly, I felt open to terrorist attack or anything - just like any city person. Scary to be known about. I'm with the Norfolk folk on this one.
Natural
I didn't mean you were a natural blogger as such (though I am sure you are). I meant you are a natural writer - and could probably write anything at all with natural aplomb.
Yes, I well remember RSR (can't say I ever bought an LP though!)
Back to the TMA - Thursday feels dangerously close...
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I won't reply to that particular post. However I will say that I'd forgotten about the Somerset Nog and there must be a clue in that somewhere. You have to remember that Kenneth Williams probably regarded the West Country as an amorphous stretch of land starting in Poole and spreading out to Penzance. Emmets is an excellent word - however it might not be known to people like Imogen who weren't born and bred in Cornwall.
Don't worry about my TMA - I've taken a day of annual leave and worked on it from about 0400 to1600 - it's pretty vile as it stands but it should scrub up well after a few days of editing - so I think I deserve a couple of hours off with a bottle of Doom Bar concentrating on what has become my favourite county.
It's unlikely terrorists will target your hamlet. If you get any strange looking characters wandering around with beards and rucksacks they're probably just lost emmets who appreciate real ale. (Although Lord Hamptonshire would probably give them both barrels and turn his dogs loose on them just to be on the safe side.) I'm assuming you don't have any very tall buildings in your hamlet or international trade centres.
Maybe you should consider taking your holidays in Norfolk.
All the best with your TMA.
Scrubbing up
That's a punishing work schedule, William. Did you manage to scrub it up (clue to day job)? Hope so. Mine went off this morning - 26 hours before the deadline so great relief. If I don't get at least 110%, I'll hang up my mortar board.
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You're right about Imogen - she wouldn't know our ways.
Not sure about KW's credentials with WC accents. I think he might have been an expert on them. That doesn't mean that RSR has a real one though. Interesting.
Terrorists and Emmets
Actually, there is no obvious distinction. Both have real fear in their eyes which is a great leveller. If you had met some of the people around here, you would know what I mean.
If you think I'm being rude about some of my neighbours, then you are absolutely right. People who suppose animals exist to shoot etc deserve more than rudeness.
It isn't just Lord H who opens up with both barrels either. The peasantry can be just as hideous. I have known naive and innocent walkers to be man-handled off disputed foot paths by small-brained farm boys with an agenda to close off land (makes wildlife abuse easier).
Turning your blog into a soapbox. Excuse! Think of it as cultural awareness for next instalment.
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...and on to the next unit...
Good luck with yours!
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Many thanks as always for your input and insights into Cornish life. Yes, scrubbing up is a clue to my job - I'm an anaesthetist so I occasionally have to wash my hands before a procedure. There are strange characters in Essex too, but not as many as there are in Norfolk and Suffolk. I saw a programme about Poldark last night and that was based in Cornwall - maybe there's an idea in there somewhere. There are some very unaristocratic ways of hunting - hare coursing is hideously vile, as is badger baiting and I don't like the idea of foxes being dug out of their earths. (However I'm surprisingly unsentimental when it comes to rabbits who seem to think they have a God given right to destroy everyone's gardens). Well done on your TMA. I'm sure you'll be able to hang on to your mortarboard a little longer. I'm already sketching out my next two TMAs and my EMA so I don't have to panic at the last minute.
Mummerset
Here's an interesting colloquial word from the Penguin English Dictionary c.1980:
'mummerset - inaccurate or jocular imitation of dialect of south-west England, esp. as used on stage.'
It's not in latest edition of OED - so maybe it's archaic. I've never heard anyone use it.
Groupies and anaesthetists
I've twice needed the services of an a. Once when I broke a couple of bones in an accident and once when someone needed to interfere with my insides. I love them all. It's so reassuring to know they sometimes wash their hands as well. Can't understand why groupie types hang around pop stars when there are a's in the world.
Poldark
People really went for this series. Who'd've thought it. Personally, although I liked the idea of it, I couldn't stand the phoney accents. I've never heard anyone anywhere sound like Angharad Wossit. I can see why it wouldn't matter if you don't know the real thing - but I did. Good on the writer of the books though. A huge success. I was living away at the time and don't know what locals made of it. They probably enjoyed the five-minute fame.
Rabbits
Yes. Uncontrolled damage to flora, environmental degradation and over-population - but enough about humans. The only vegans around here are the rabbits and we're sticking together.
As a chicken-keeper of long experience
I have nothing against rabbits or foxes. The reason they get such a bad press is because the huntin', fishin' and shootin' lobby, and their hangers-on, need an excuse to kill them. If they would just leave both alone, they would find their own population levels and stay away from humans.
When do foxes steal chickens? After a rabbit shoot which takes out their normal diet. They lose their fear of humans from sheer desperation and the need to eat.
When do rabbits raid gardens and allotments? After a fox shoot when their natural population control is taken out of the eco-system.
It's obvious, really, when you are in the thick of it. Always tipping the natural balance back and forth. One massacre justifies the next - and so it goes on.
Let's hear it for rabbits!!
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Hello mi deario,
(1) Yes, anaesthetists are wonderful but misunderstood people. However, in the real world of an NHS hospital, it’s the surgeons who get the groupies.
(2) My favourite Poldark character was the fat lecherous vicar. Back in the 1970s I regarded him as a role model although I neglected to put on weight or take holy orders.
(3) Rabbits. Hmmm. The rabbits and foxes in my garden live in perfect harmony and I suspect have each other round to tea on Sunday afternoons. The only thing that kills rabbits is the neighbour’s cat, although I did accidentally run a rabbit over once on the drive. It had myxomatosis and its reactions were slow. I don’t think it was long for this world anyway. You’ll be relieved to hear it had a splendid funeral and now has a damson tree growing out of its remains. I’ve never kept chickens because of the mess they make on the lawns and I don’t really like eggs.
(4) Mummerset. Thanks. Definitely one to hold in reserve. I suppose the East Anglian equivalent would be Effolk although you'd have to be careful how you pronounced it.
Surgeons
Surgeons? pshaw!
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(2) No comment on your personal life!
Rabbits and foxes
I'm genuinely interested to hear this. I assume you live in a town/suburb. Sounds like they get lots of help in the grocery department from kindly humans (as well as funeral arrangements etc). All very unrural and something Lord H etc would not recognize.
Doesn't it just show that if you take away the struggle for survival, virtually anyone/thing can be nice? A lesson for Government policy.
A gun-toting yob once accused me of being a townie. heh heh.
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(1) I make my living from surgeons so I can't really say anything negative about them but some are rather superficial and rely upon their glamour, Porsches, high incomes and good looks to lead innocent young girls astray.
(2) My garden is semi-rural and attracts a lot of wild-life, not all of it welcome. There's a heron that has an unhealthy interest in my grass carp and a pair of muntjac that eat the bak on my fruit trees - not to mention the squirrels that invade my loft. I do leave food out for the foxes but perhaps if I didn't they'd be more enthusiastic about hunting rabbits and squirrels. It's so difficult to get the balance of nature right.
Surgeons
That's an interesting profile of 'the surgeon' as a type. 'High incomes' certainly sound appealing.
Foxes
It is difficult to get the balance of Nature right. It has already been seriously interfered with and that creates a need to keep doing it. I'd suggest you keep feeding the foxes as it just sounds like a nice thing to do and I am sure the rabbits appreciate it.
Squirrels
Are you sure foxes would eat squirrels? I've never heard of that - squirrels can be vicious little blighters - didn't know they had an enemy apart from Man.
Gunned down
You seem to be living in a little idyll, William. Here where I live (on Lord Hamptonshire's Estate), if a rabbit happens to stray into a garden, a cottager rampages after it, guns it down and eats it.
It hasn't dawned on them yet that they would save on effort, and firearm expenses by buying a bag of lentils instead.
I'm ahead of them there
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(1) Foxes eat anything and kill anything smaller than themselves. In a one-on-one fox vs. squirrel you should put your money on the fox - in the same way you'd always back a black boxer against a white boxer.
(2) I might have to introduce a surgical character as a counterbalance to the atavistic charms of Jory. A Harley Street gynaecologist with an Aston Martin and small hands could probably melt the heart of even the most frosty Cornish girl.
(3) If it came down to a choice between a delicious rabbit pie made with wine, mushrooms, garlic and herbs, topped with puff pastry that melts in the mouth and a bag of lentils I would instantly choose the bag of lentils.
Foxes, rabbits and boxers
Interesting snippet about natural history.
Lentils
(3) If it came down to a choice between a stinky rabbit carcase with fur matted up with blood and pus and faecal matter, or an aromatic herby lentil loaf, shot through [sic] with stuffing and topped with bread crumbs and slices of tomato, served with potatoes and parsnips sprinkled with mixed herbs and roasted all nice and crispy, and a good dollop
of thick Vecon sauce, then I, too, would choose the lentils.
Such a pleasure to prepare!
Veg
I forgot the gently steamed broccoli!
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...and let's make it all organic!
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I had a jugged hare once made from Mrs Beeton's recipe in a primitive kitchen so I think I know what you mean (although the Essex rabbit is probably much healthier than it's Cornish cousin - unless it's got myxomatosis). My experiences with lentils so far have not been good although I sometimes use them to thicken curries.
Apparently latest research shows that there are marked DNA differences between Devon and Cornwall (Cornwall being much more Celtic). The early Anglo-Saxons perhaps didn't fancy Cornish girls - or vice-versa, although I don't suppose they were given an awful lot of choice when gametes were being exchanged.
Another fascinating piece of research (or conjecture) shows that at the time of Poldark, the Cornish people spoke through clenched teeth - something to do with cold sea winds and salty air - and the genuine Cornish accent sounded very different from today's version. It appears the Demelza character is working hard on authenticity. (I never watch TV except for football or rugby so I can't comment.)
DNA
I believe the DNA differences between the Celtic Cornish and English Devonians are due to topography. Bordered by the sea and the River Tamar and protected by dense forest (not any more obviously) and the innate ferocity (!) of the Cornish, the Anglo-Saxon tribes couldn't get to us. The Cornish/English border was fixed in 936AD and was never legally changed (though the English ignored it as time went by).
History
Here is a quote from the Cornish National Minority Report from the Cornwall Council website.
"The territorial boundary as it stands today was first recorded in 936AD when King Hywel of Cornwall and King Athelstan of Wessex agreed the east bank of the Tamar as the border between the two territories. The Normans maintained the territorial integrity of Cornwall in 1068 with the creation of an Earldom, and the territory was bestowed with a unique and distinctive constitutional position in 1337, through the creation of the Royal Duchy, with a Stannary Parliament and Courts. Beyond the sixteenth century laws still applied in 'Anglia et Cornubia'.
At least thirty different languages across the world have their own word for Cornwall - a practice only reserved for historic nations (English counties only have transliterations of their names)."
Etc etc etc.
Unlike Scotland, Ireland, Wales and Brittany, there never was an Act of Parliament which united Cornwall and England (obviously, Brittany was united to France not England). Presumably, then, we don't need one to get our independence? Hm.
Clenched teeth
I didn't know this nnngh about the Cornish nnngh accent...
Royal Duchy
This is fascinating Elizabeth. Until I started Hermione and Imogen I selected Cornwall because it's where various members of my family go surfing. I had no idea that the history was so fascinating. My personal view is that that it's in the mutual interest of Cornwall and the rest of England to remain united (although I'd be very happy for the Scots to devolve if that's what they think they want - but they seemed to pull back from the brink when they had it in their grasp). However there are excellent genetic and geographic reasons for Cornwall to have its own identity. I can see great possibilities for a UKIP MP trying to keep Cornwall Cornish and cleanse it of all ethnic minorities. There might even be a place for a royal house of Cornwall independent of the House of Windsor - perhaps a direct descendant from King Arthur...
UKIP
The last thing Cornwall needs is a UKIP MP. For every £1 we give to the EU we get £4 back (so it is said). Probably true as every where you go you see the stars on blue denoting we owe a lot to EU funding (like superfast broadband and a host of employment supporting projects). I think we had nearly a bilion euros in funding in the previous EU Parliament.
The English are canny and suck it into their own pockets with massive discounts in Council Tax for (mainly English) second home-owners. It's 10% at the moment but used to be 50%. A massive loss to the Cornish economy. That's just one example. The loss of housing stock is enough to make you weep if you need a home. Young people don't stand a chance inthe housing market.
Cornwall needs England like a snowman needs a dose of sunshine (though I can see why the English might want to keep their outdoor privy/recreation ground
).