Personal Blogs

Last night marked a very bad point in my life.  Luckily, despite going online whilst very drunk, my ramblings don't seem to be too terrible, and it's hard to say for sure, but it appears I haven't abused anyone on facebook.  It is rare for me to get into a state like that.  There is one outcome that I'm not pleased with though.  I returned to my old days of drunk shopping. 

We watched psychoville.  What a great show.  The trouble is, it does send me to a strange mental place.  At one point there was a funeral for a clown.  Lots of clowns turned up.  Lots of them had those clown tears drawn on their faces.  It entered my brain that they all looked amazing, and I would like to be a clown.  This is an example of one of the reasons that I shouldn't drink, ever.  In fact, I can quote directly from my facebook status in the early hours of this morning...

'Do any of you lot watch psychoville? Alongside giving me nightmares and frightening the crap out of me, it gives me the desire to buy some clownish outfits. Aside from the kid aspect, I reckon I'd make a pretty good clown. I feel a bit of drunk ebaying coming on...'

Yup, idiot.

So, drinking.  Here is the difficulty.  I suffer terribly with anxiety and insomnia.  I have sleeping tablets, but I'm not allowed to take them all the time.  I find that a few glasses of wine equals a relaxing evening for me.  Unfortunately, I also have a brain that has a very clear change over point, and if I reach it, I will refuse to stop drinking and will do stupid things.  Generally I control myself quite well, but that achievement seems to be a rapidly reducing one.  I find so many basic aspects of life stressful and I think that's the main problem.  Yesterday I was really stressed out.  I went to meet a friend for dinner.  I was meant to meet her at 5pm for coffee first, but she phoned me at half three to say she'd finished work early, so I went to meet her then.  That started the stress, because all the school children were out.  I'm not good with crowds and I'm terrified of school children.  She changed our meeting place twice and the result was that I had to walk all the way across town on my own, instead of with her as I had anticipated.  Walking through town for me is a genuinely frightening experience.  I can't overview, so my brain tries to take in everything and it's overwhelming.  Hundreds of pictures flashing across my brain.  When I was younger I would put my arm over my head to block out some of the outside world, in order to take a little bit in.  I can't do that anymore because I know it makes me look bizarre.  I have an overwhelming urge to do it though, because it makes my life better.  Anyway, once I'd met her we had a lovely time and we were chatting until about half eight.  One of the conversations was about another woman we used to work with who used to be a very good friend of mine.  I had already heard that she was sacked recently, but not the full story.  This woman is no longer my friend, or anyone at work's friend, because after a night where I refused to say that I liked her new partner, she had someone follow me home and beat me up.  That was in December and I am still suffering the side effects.  It took over a month just to be able to walk.  In her defence, it transpires that she is an alcoholic and has no recollection of her foolish actions.  Anyway, because of this, everyone at work who was a friend of mine, found it impossible to be anything other than professionally civil to her, and it seems she just couldn't take it anymore and stormed off shift.  So that brought back the horror that was December 28th.  So when I got home I was really stressed and angry and scared, and thought a glass of wine would help.  But add that to the emotions, and I reached my tipping point early on. 

In this instance my tipping point resulted in me becoming very excited about the prospect of becoming a clown.  I couldn't think of anything else.  I planned a 30th brithday party where everyone would be dressed as clowns, and tried to work out how I could make myself appear bald, with just the clown hair above my ears.  I googled 'clown clothes' and this is an example of the sort of thing I wanted to wear...

http://www.joke.co.uk/fancy-dress/adult-evil-clown-halloween-costume~61441.html

Mask aside.  It was the clothes I liked, and I imagine they will pop through my letterbox in the very near future.

It's mornings like this where I realise that at times I am extremely difficult to live with.