Personal Blogs

Was anyone about to learn to love them?  I grew up in an unconventionally cool environment, so to love music that was original was tricky.  Space was my thing.  Aged around 13.  My mother and her boyfriend took me to Glastonbury and they played.  I didn't get to see them because we left late and got caught in traffic.  I heard them through the car window though.  We left late because of drugs.  Well, in my 13 year old brain, that was the sole reason.  Now of course, what with all my studying of the human psyche,  I know it was more than that.  Stuff it, all I got to do was collect large bottles of water, watch my supposed carers talk extremely fast, and long to be 16 when I could do whatever I wanted.

Incidentally, my first year solo at Glastonbury was when I was 16 and I remember little of it, nearly lost a friend and am lucky to have survived.  I have never been since.  Other festivals, yes.  Glastonbury, no.  Ruined by having a 'cool' mother.  So to all you parents out there: be as cool as you can and it will put your kids off!

I am so stressed out tonight.  The washing machine is coming tomorrow.  We tried to disconnect our old one tonight and it didn't work out.  My poor boyfriend had no idea of the effect this would have on me, but let me say it's not a good one.  I have taken 2 of my sleeping tablets.  That's 15mg of zopiclone and 45 minutes later no effect.  I am wired.  All I can think of is what the man will be like when he arrives, will he fit everything right, will I come home to a washing machine unconnected.  I feel physically sick.  Me and him were on the verge of falling out just now, but luckily we both fell into honesty.  I told him that I knew I was being unreasonable but could he please understand that something this simple is enough to make me have a temporary breakdown, and as it is, I feel I'm holding back.  I just hope the tablets kick in soon.  I have to be in Bristol tomorrow morning, and in many ways I hope I leave before the delivery begins.  I could cry just thinking about it.  Ridiculous, but there it is.  Tonight is not a good night for me.  But I was sensible, told him that, went in the spare room (wrote my blog - perhaps verging on the mentally unhinged) and now I'm going to lie down and hope those tablets kick in.  They are my most valuable commodity.  It's rare, but there are times that I need knocking out.  Plus I didn't sleep last night.

I cannot express how stressed out I am.  I know it's insane.  But there it is.  I'd be better off not knowing it was happening.  Hopefully, tomorrow it will all be sorted by the time I get home and I can rest at ease.  In fairness, he did say he hadn't fully understood how much this was affecting me and he promised it would all be ok.  Sadly that makes it worse, as if it's not ok, I know I'll blame him, but know that's not fair, which means holding back yet more emotion, which ultimately, is quite dangerous for me.

Bloody washing machines.  I think I was designed for scrubbing my clothes on rocks and singing with mermaids.  Born too soon maybe.