I've got a long list of things to do today. None of them things that I in any way relish doing.
But first, let's focus on the thing that I have achieved. Yesterday, I went to the dentist. That is possibly achievement of the decade for me. I haven't been since I was about 12, when it became very clear it just wasn't worth putting me through the torture. I'm not scared in the sense other people are scared - drills, pain, injections, or whatever else goes on. It's having someone's face near mine, and allowing that face to fiddle about in my mouth. I feel invaded, and I have to fight my instincts for every second of the experience, not to throw the dentist across the room. Anyway, about a month ago, a bit of one of my teeth fell out, and I knew that I was going to have to do something about it. Mainly, because it made me fear that all my teeth were about to do the same. I have the same issue with any invasion of personal space by a stranger - my hair for example. I have been to a hairdressers once in 10 years, and the experience was so horrible for me that as soon as I stepped outside the door I collapsed. I'm lucky that nowadays my mum cuts my hair. I let her do it once or twice a year, and she shoots around with the scissors and it's done in under 3 minutes. Al's sister is a hairdresser and I've let her do it a couple of times at our house, and that was just bearable, but still something I now avoid. I have long hair, and people are drawn to it which is unfortunate. People are desperate to be able to style it, or colour it, or anything else that people do to make themselves feel good. It's strange, but people just don't want to accept that different things make me feel good. I consider hair cuts, dentist appointments, spa type things - massage and facials or whatever else, doctor appointments etc etc all to be equally horrible experiences. I don't go around criticising my friends for having their hair cut and styled every 6 weeks, which I consider complete madness. Anyway, because I knew I didn't ever want to go to a dentist again, I have obsessively cared for my teeth. I could be termed a toothpaste addict, possibly. So I was quite surprised when that bit of tooth fell out, and more than that, terrified of what it signified. So yesterday I saw the dentist. She was very nice and very good with me. She didn't try to make unnecessary conversation, and she didn't pass comment on the fact that I was shaking all over throughout the whole experience. I managed to keep it to more of a vibration than a shake, by clenching all my muscles as tight as possible, which was my part to play in making her job a little easier. It was just as terrible as I remembered, and it wasn't until about 4 hours later that I felt I had reclaimed my sense of self with regard to my mouth. I had forgotten that I felt like that as a child. It felt like they switched my mouth for someone else's, and I felt uncomfortable having it in my face. As soon as I felt the glove, I remembered the feeling. I have wondered if that's why I don't like eating squid. The good news is, she says I have to go back once to get the broken tooth fixed, and there is one other that needs a filling right at the back, but otherwise my teeth are in great condition. She said if I keep caring for them as I have done, there's no reason to put myself through regular appointments. I wasn't going to anyway, but it was nice to be told it was ok. So one more appointment, and then, no doubt, an increased obsession with oral hygiene.
Today, I am on a mission to find a way to contact my therapy woman without using the phone. Somehow, I am going to find a way of e-mailing her. I have decided to discharge myself. The day I forgot her call, and dealt with the situation in such a weak way, I knew that I would find it nearly impossible to converse with her again. That in itself makes me feel quite bad, as it's not her fault at all. It's my brain. Everything is so black and white, and therapy with her has now been ruined. I've tried to talk myself around but it's no good.
Sandwich the facts. Good thing, bad thing, good thing. End on a positive note.
I had a great weekend! My friend has just finished her Law exams and so it was a celebratory weekend. She came to stay with me, and we just had a lovely time, hanging around, watching films, catching up and drinking. It was really chilled, and much needed. We've both felt the pain of burn-out in the past week, so this was a compensatory blow-out. Excellent! And I got to go to Exeter in her car, rather on the train, on Sunday, which is a huge bonus. Which gave me an opportunity to point out the scary dinosaur on the motorway that no one ever notices. They all notice the giant man, and the camels, but not the dinosaur. So that was good; I get a strange sense of supremacy when it comes to sharing knowledge of the dinosaur.
Now of course, it's time for yet another reality check. I am going to have to have another look at the T courses. I have a deadline on 13th I think, and I am about a month behind in both. I'm not sure that I'll do that today though. I'm still not in the mood. I think I'll just think about doing it instead.
Lists
I've got a long list of things to do today. None of them things that I in any way relish doing.
But first, let's focus on the thing that I have achieved. Yesterday, I went to the dentist. That is possibly achievement of the decade for me. I haven't been since I was about 12, when it became very clear it just wasn't worth putting me through the torture. I'm not scared in the sense other people are scared - drills, pain, injections, or whatever else goes on. It's having someone's face near mine, and allowing that face to fiddle about in my mouth. I feel invaded, and I have to fight my instincts for every second of the experience, not to throw the dentist across the room. Anyway, about a month ago, a bit of one of my teeth fell out, and I knew that I was going to have to do something about it. Mainly, because it made me fear that all my teeth were about to do the same. I have the same issue with any invasion of personal space by a stranger - my hair for example. I have been to a hairdressers once in 10 years, and the experience was so horrible for me that as soon as I stepped outside the door I collapsed. I'm lucky that nowadays my mum cuts my hair. I let her do it once or twice a year, and she shoots around with the scissors and it's done in under 3 minutes. Al's sister is a hairdresser and I've let her do it a couple of times at our house, and that was just bearable, but still something I now avoid. I have long hair, and people are drawn to it which is unfortunate. People are desperate to be able to style it, or colour it, or anything else that people do to make themselves feel good. It's strange, but people just don't want to accept that different things make me feel good. I consider hair cuts, dentist appointments, spa type things - massage and facials or whatever else, doctor appointments etc etc all to be equally horrible experiences. I don't go around criticising my friends for having their hair cut and styled every 6 weeks, which I consider complete madness. Anyway, because I knew I didn't ever want to go to a dentist again, I have obsessively cared for my teeth. I could be termed a toothpaste addict, possibly. So I was quite surprised when that bit of tooth fell out, and more than that, terrified of what it signified. So yesterday I saw the dentist. She was very nice and very good with me. She didn't try to make unnecessary conversation, and she didn't pass comment on the fact that I was shaking all over throughout the whole experience. I managed to keep it to more of a vibration than a shake, by clenching all my muscles as tight as possible, which was my part to play in making her job a little easier. It was just as terrible as I remembered, and it wasn't until about 4 hours later that I felt I had reclaimed my sense of self with regard to my mouth. I had forgotten that I felt like that as a child. It felt like they switched my mouth for someone else's, and I felt uncomfortable having it in my face. As soon as I felt the glove, I remembered the feeling. I have wondered if that's why I don't like eating squid. The good news is, she says I have to go back once to get the broken tooth fixed, and there is one other that needs a filling right at the back, but otherwise my teeth are in great condition. She said if I keep caring for them as I have done, there's no reason to put myself through regular appointments. I wasn't going to anyway, but it was nice to be told it was ok. So one more appointment, and then, no doubt, an increased obsession with oral hygiene.
Today, I am on a mission to find a way to contact my therapy woman without using the phone. Somehow, I am going to find a way of e-mailing her. I have decided to discharge myself. The day I forgot her call, and dealt with the situation in such a weak way, I knew that I would find it nearly impossible to converse with her again. That in itself makes me feel quite bad, as it's not her fault at all. It's my brain. Everything is so black and white, and therapy with her has now been ruined. I've tried to talk myself around but it's no good.
Sandwich the facts. Good thing, bad thing, good thing. End on a positive note.
I had a great weekend! My friend has just finished her Law exams and so it was a celebratory weekend. She came to stay with me, and we just had a lovely time, hanging around, watching films, catching up and drinking. It was really chilled, and much needed. We've both felt the pain of burn-out in the past week, so this was a compensatory blow-out. Excellent! And I got to go to Exeter in her car, rather on the train, on Sunday, which is a huge bonus. Which gave me an opportunity to point out the scary dinosaur on the motorway that no one ever notices. They all notice the giant man, and the camels, but not the dinosaur. So that was good; I get a strange sense of supremacy when it comes to sharing knowledge of the dinosaur.
Now of course, it's time for yet another reality check. I am going to have to have another look at the T courses. I have a deadline on 13th I think, and I am about a month behind in both. I'm not sure that I'll do that today though. I'm still not in the mood. I think I'll just think about doing it instead.