Personal Blogs

I sent in the assignment a few hours after my last post, not caring that it was incomplete and a less than half hearted attempt.  It was very strange not to care; totally alien in fact.  I'm still having an internal debate as to whether I am pleased with this more relaxed approach, or whether in a few months I will be horribly disappointed in myself.  I remain firmly undecided.

Yesterday I was more than pleased to see the homeless guy I last spotted in Bristol, back here, seemingly having crawled back onto the rim of reality.  I like to think it's possible that though I considered there to be no recognition when I smiled before, that there was something on a deeper, or subconscious level.  He recognised me this time anyway, and we exchanged a happy thumbs up.  I will have to tell him that I don't smoke anymore.  Perhaps we can move onto sharing sandwiches or something.

Since the Wedding I have had lots of e-mail contact from various family members.  It is so exciting.  For a start they keep writing really lovely things about me.  I've never had so many compliments from near strangers, and it's putting a definite spring in my step.  But on a less shallow level, I really feel as though I am rediscovering myself.  I'm starting to feel part of something bigger.  Emotionally, it's highs and lows, and I am finding my reactions to everyday events entirely unpredictable.  I have an overwhelming sense of regret at having missed out on ten years of this feeling of belonging, and for what appears to be no good reason.  There is a lot of turbulence in my head.  The usual highs and lows that I experience have increased ten-fold, and I find that I go from bounding around the house singing stupid songs in daft accents, to collapsing in a heap and not moving for an hour.  Really short bursts of nervous energy that make me behave like a complete moron, followed by no energy at all.  I'm like some kind of weird battery-operated human that keeps having to be recharged on the kitchen floor.

As far as studying goes, I have started again.  I am still uninspired, but October seems a little closer now that August has arrived.  Also, it is the summer holidays, and my fear of all things related to the summer holidays make it preferable to stay indoors, which is conducive to knuckling down.  Though my continued lack of sleep is quite possibly counteracting any progress that would normally be made.  The drilling and banging continues, though the jackhammer and generator are gone.  So it's an improvement, but I still have a lot of anger for the noise makers, and have to avoid eye contact when I pass them.  I would hate to forget myself and headbutt one of them.

The cat has eaten one of the buttons off my keyboard.  I think it used to say 'insert', but I'm not entirely sure.  I don't think I ever used it anyway.  The top right corner of the keyboard is as mysterious to me as functions of the 12 F buttons.  

Anyway, time to go, randomness is creeping in...