Personal Blogs

The night did not go well.  From start to finish I was just catapulted from one negative feeling to another.  It started with one out of six women ordering a round for five women.  Everyone except me.  So I went to the bar to get my own.  In a bad frame of mind.  Lots more women arrived.  When I had finished my drink, I went to get another, and offered everyone a drink.  Chivalrous.  They all said no.  I returned just a few minutes later to be told they were leaving for the next pub and I owed them a fiver for a champagne reception.  Thanks for the heads up!  So I downed my drink.  In a worse frame of mind.  We got to the next place, where they all continued to put their best efforts into excluding me from any input into conversation.  The champagne was pink, sweet, and horrible, and I don't understand how the measly two bottles equated to five pounds from fourteen women.  At this point I found a woman who was prepared to talk to me.  That bit was nice.  But the background to our intelligent conversation was a backdrop of moronic and boring comments on diets, hair, make-up, shoes and the slagging off of their partners.  I absorbed it all, desperately wanting to tell everyone exactly what I thought of them, but knowing that I shouldn't.  I held it in, as far as I know, and after many more drinks, left, apparently without saying anything.  Of course, bottled up emotions do not remain bottled for long, and when I returned home I am told I started to throw myself around upstairs.  That does not surprise me.  When I experience uncomfortable feelings I have a tendency to inflict pain on myself.  Al intervened, and my anger was transferred onto him.  I am deeply ashamed, and also surprised.  The reason I was so upset was that all these women were being completely vile about their partners, and I couldn't understand why.  I remember thinking on several occasions that Al and I were lucky to have each other, as I had no desire to join in the partner annihilation.  All my thoughts about Al were good thoughts.  I wish he hadn't intervened, though of course he had to, as I was being noisy.  All in all, it has made me realise a number of things.  The 'friend' who was having the party is not a friend.  She is the soon-to-be wife of Al's friend.  Our total lack of compatibility in the friendship department has been further evidenced by her entire circle of friends.  Seemingly not a kind word, or original thought between them.  I found myself embroiled in a negative boredom that I have not experienced before, and do not wish to experience ever again.  The night has had some positive effects though.  I realise how lucky I am to have such interesting, funny and engaging friends.  I realise I am lucky to be in a relationship that I enjoy being in.  When I feel that stomach churning feeling of wondering if I said anything I shouldn't have, it is quickly washed away by the feeling of complete indifference.  I don't care if I upset them, and quite frankly, I'm not so sure any one of them would have understood one of my insults.  Using words beyond 'you're fat' or 'your shoes are cheap' I think would have had no impact at all.  It's no fun to insult shallow, boring people.  Better to laugh with people I like.  Which is what I intend on doing tonight.