Personal Blogs

Ha, so casual!  So I have accomplished my greatest social hurdle to date.  I feel strangely lost without the constant anxiety hanging over me; a bit like when I finish final exams, and then have those three months to twiddle my study thumbs.  I think I'd become quite accustomed to it over the past few weeks. 

I arrived in Exeter on Friday afternoon after an unfortunately stressful journey due to severe overcrowding.  I chose as my focal points a lady's toes with bright purple nail varnish, and another lady's bag, which had quite a distinctive smiley face assembled from two straps, a clasp and a lucky fold in the leather.  Sitting in the vestibule with all those people for two hours, carrying a suit bag and all this other junk that comes with dressing up.  Yuk.  Met my mother for a quick drink, and then off to start the celebrations with my friend.  She was so excited.  I think it's the most excited I have ever seen anyone.  We did establish that this is the culmination of everything she has worked for in her entire adult life, from the moment we met as office juniors some ten or so years ago, to now, officially a criminal legal executive.  She greeted me with a massive tub of flumps to say thank you.  In truth it was evident that she was as proud of me for coming as I was of her for her achievement!  the flumps were individually wrapped to save me getting myself into a state with them (once opened, must be finished!).  Friday night was nice and chilled.  Just a few glasses of wine watching a shallow but enjoyable film with her housemate, who was moving out the next day.  Saturday I woke up to find my chest already slightly seized up.  I had hung my dress infront of the bed, and my first thought was that this must be how people feel on their Wedding day, when they wake up, and the first thing they see is the dress.  If the situation arises again, I will hang the dress out of sight.  There was no good reason to start the stress at 7am.  Time seemed to grind to a bit of a halt until about 2pm, and then it was all go.  When we left the house at 4.30pm, my heart started to pound in my head.  We had about an hour of driving around picking people up, before getting to Torquay, and I spent the entire journey gripping my seat and trying to focus on breathing.  Arriving in Torquay, the moment had arrived to change into our dresses, and as we walked down the stairs for a glass of champagne whilst waiting for the taxi, my chest came close to exploding.  I was shaking from head to foot, and while everyone else was sat at the table, laughing and drinking, I was pacing around the garden wondering if this was going to be the cause of the heart attack I'd anticipated must be due one day, with so many heart beats getting used in so short a space of time.  I came back in and the others came downstairs, and we were off.  The taxi journey was one where I didn't hear a word anyone said, and could think of nothing more than the fact that it was terribly hot.  The relief of getting out was incredible.  My friend and I then went to meet her mother.  We did so in private at first, as she has a tendency to get over excited (like mother like daughter!) and the sight of me in a dress was highly likely to result in some happy shrieking and hugging and compliments that I am unable to take.  My friend had already thought ahead that this would not be a situation I would relish infront of a large group of people.  As it was, it worked well.  For the first hour or so, my responses to all questions from friend and stranger, whatever the topic, was 'I'm ever so stressed' or 'isn't it hot'.  I found it pretty hard to think of anything else.  Photos happened, and were not too bad.  Perhaps the least painful photo session I have experienced.  I didn't particularly feel as though people were stealing a part of me without permission, as is my general feeling.  In fact, if there is a nice one, I would quite like to see what I looked like, as it's hard to tell from the inside, even with a mirror, particularly as I have a highly inaccurate body image, supposedly.  By the time we were seated for the meal, I was fine, and the rest of the evening went without a hitch.  I would say apart from the speeches, which given the level of intellect in the room, lawyers and barristers and so on, were the most shockingly dull and badly presented speeches I have ever had the misfortune to sit through.  There were moments where a pause gave the indication of an end, and my soul would rise, and then they'd start a new sentence, and it would sink again, well beneath the floorboards.  Once they were finally over though, the rest of it was entirely pleasurable.  I did make a couple of inappropriate comments, though I haven't yet worked out why.  I know when it happens though, because it's when people choke on their food or drink and then burst out laughing.  Luckily I think people think I intended to be funny.  Seeing my friend getting her certificate made me feel oddly parental and proud.  We've been through so much together with our excessive workloads plus distance learning, and have been there for each other the whole way through.  It really was quite a moment.  The meal was nice enough.  The people on our table were all great.  The dancing started after, which was funny to watch.  The world of law is not akin to the world of appropriate nor attractive dancing.  The man encouraging people to dance with his microphone was an arrogant idiot, but for whatever reason the ladies liked him.  I wanted to knock him out, but there you go.  Only once did he come round and try to grab people off tables, and I had a mild panic attack despite the wine, but I successfully remained seated throughout.  When it ended, we went back to the house in Torquay, got changed immediately, and then sat around until the late early hours of the morning, drinking and eating crackers.  That was my favourite bit.  Really chilled and fun.  Consequently Sunday was quite a struggle.  I was sad to go.  Normally we would have had a chilled day, maybe gone to Exmouth and had a pub lunch, then chilled out and watched a recovery film with my box of flumps and some strawberries or chocolate.  But I had to head back.  I don't feel as though I had any time with my friend for a proper catch up, so am really looking forward to the next time we can meet, under less stressful circumstances.  On only a few hours sleep I then attended a 60th birthday with my mother, for a lady who I have known since I was two, but have not seen for about ten years.  So, although lovely to see her, particularly as she 'won' her battle against cancer a few years ago and I know it is important for old friends to show their faces, it was still incredibly uncomfortable and awkward for me.  One of her sons is the same age as me.  We spent a lot of our childhood together, and coincidentally went to the same senior school for a couple of years.  But our friendship has never grown beyond the family friend level, much as I think we would probably get along well if we knew each other better.  It was a mixed bag of emotions, because they are all such lovely people, but nonetheless I was relieved to leave, not least because I wanted to be at home after such an eventful weekend.  Now that I'm home, have slept, and am back in my comfort zone, it all seems totally surreal.

I think it's now time to focus a little on studying, which has been greatly neglected for the past few months.  I'm ready to withdraw from society to the world of books.