Personal Blogs

Well it has been quite a day. 

I caught an early train over to Bath, because it turned out by chance that a friend was travelling over at the same time, and we figured we might as well take the opportunity to have pleasant conversation, rather than risk the usual entourage of free-therapy seekers.  As it happens, he was my OU tutor many moons ago, so he is always interested to hear how my studies are progressing.  I told him how my current course is proving hard to connect with, as I am only interested in one section - touch and pain.  One very small section in comparison to the scope offered to the other senses.  He said that his friend was an expert in pain management and would pass me his contact details.  Excellent.  Weirdness crept in when this aforementioned friend coincidentally bumped into us at a bus stop, allowing me to be introduced in person.  Even better.  But still weird.

Finding myself with several hours before the lunch meeting, I wandered up to the Slug.  There are many places I would have preferred to sit, but none that I could guarantee would not be occupied by conversation starters.  At 10.30am, the Slug is home to the first drink of the alcoholic, before they slowly meander their way down town.  Today there were two, ordering their spirits at half ten in the morning.  The most perfect of company in my opinion.  Five hours on of course, not so much, but that was not going to be my problem.  We nodded, smiled and went to opposite sides of the room.  I found myself a nice quiet sofa in a dark corner, and, wait for it, opened my text book!  I read more of it in there than I have in the past month.  It has forced me to consider, that in future out-of-home study may be worth pursuing.

Before I knew it the time had come.  Meeting with family who are fascinated by synchronicity, my encounter with the pain man made for the perfect opening story.  I arrived first, and then a while after my cousins (I think; I'm not really too sure - my grandmother's brother's son and his wife - I tend to refer to anyone who isn't parent or grandparent as a cousin; it's easier!).  We chatted until x arrived, in a flurry of anxiety and nerves.  I felt really sorry for him.  I for once was not nervous at all.  I am so lucky to have met such amazing people.  I wish I could have their conversation on tap.  I find them so exciting to be around that I completely lose the ability to be scared.  There is something about them that I find relaxes me to my very core, which is not something I can say of other family members I have met, however much I may like them.  I felt the lunch was more strained than the last one however, and a number of things were brought up that will come back to bite me in a few days.  The trouble with relaxing, is forgetting the rules.  Never speak about family without thinking of all possible consequences.  I realise that isn't possible, but I have to at least try.  I told my cousins that my Uncle was coming over from Australia in a month and I hoped to see him.  It came out before x arrived, when I wasn't considering my words.  They then said to x that they had heard from me that his brother was coming over.  This is a sore topic at the best of times, but coming as a shock (I would normally choose 'the perfect' moment to divulge volatile information of that nature) caused him to shoot me a look that made me quake.  I knew I had screwed up.  I didn't listen to the conversation for a period after that, as I was retracing my spontaneous dialogue from before, to search for any further errors I might have made.  I brought with me a letter for x from another family member, but after several moments of near-tears, mild-but-brewing aggression and the ever worrying downturn of the mouth, I was too scared to pass it on.  It was not the time. 

I had planned to spend the evening in Bath with x after lunch, as an old friend of his (and now mine) was going to be in his old 'local' pub, and a band with members we both know were playing.  I was going to catch the late night train home, despite the reroute to Severn Tunnel, which is something I would generally avoid at all costs.  Unfortunately, the vibe was in no way suitable for such a lengthy period of time, and I felt it better to miss out on the experience and leave on good terms.  Which I promptly did.  There were a lot of things said today that have not been said in many years - I certainly wouldn't have had the balls to say them.  There will without doubt be repercussions.  Almost perfect timing for my exams actually, as these bouts of crises always seem to manifest at the most inconvenient of times.

After the lunch it became apparent that the only things x had taken away from it were the negatives.  It's as though he thrives on it.  He seemed happy with the notion that there was discord between the cousins and their sisters.  It somehow makes him feel better towards his own relationships with his close family.  I have noted many times before, that the people who constantly find the negative aspects in others, always seem to pick out the ones that they themselves possess most strongly.  It's as though they subconsciously know, but have such a strong protective mechanism in place, that transference becomes a natural reaction to anything that isn't good.  I have to wonder if these cousins picked up on any of what was going on at the meal.  If they noticed the negativity that flows so seamlessly from x.  Probably not.  It usually takes years for people to see what I see.  It's frustrating, and it's good.  It's frustrating, because I was hoping for some form of respite.  But it's good, because all the time that they shower x with their love, they surely must be making his life that little bit better.  I hope.  I left the lunch feeling high as a kite, floating on air, inspired and above all happy.  Within half an hour of leaving and spending time alone with x I felt all positivity had been sucked back out of me.  I made the right decision to leave when I did, though at the time I felt bad about it. 

I've come away with a lot to think about.  The emotional stuff, though likely to seep out in my fizzy limbs, can wait until it shows itself.  I'm not going to encourage it, or give it unnecessary opportunities to enter my world.  The conversation though, was engrossing.  Archaeology and biology; two highly intelligent and successful people, who have ideas about the world that make me sit back.  They make me want to learn about everything.  I hope that someday, when I am their age, that someone of my age will feel about me as I do about them.  However hard this journey becomes, I think it will be worth it.  I may need to remind myself of it on occasion though!

Overall, a success.  And catching up with an old friend thrown into the mix - just brilliant.  And to top it all, I have a new study plan!  Take my books to the pub