Personal Blogs

Never have I been to the doctor and been greeted by the phrase 'I'm a real doctor, now what seems to be the problem?'  Never have I been in an ambulance and whilst strapped to the bench been told 'I'm a real paramedic.'  Never have I been to see my solicitor, for him to casually throw into the conversation 'I am a real solicitor.'  So what's the deal with these injury lawyers?  It makes me question whether they really are real lawyers.  I hate adverts.

Today has already been productive outside of my study needs.  I've started my new strength training regime to try to take me away a little from excessive cardio.  I feel under such extreme family stress at the moment, and the need to cast out the negativity is at the forefront of my mind.  I have run far too far recently, and I know that it won't be long before I find myself injured, or worse, in a state of arthritic immobility.  The benefits of the strength training were equal in anxiety relief, but far shorter-lasting.  Already I am ready to go again.  I've had a good chat this morning about the effects of seasonal changes, and some reading on the Chinese perspective has given me much to think about. 

I have discovered a new green tea that outshines all others.  Green tea with echinacea.  It's really lovely.  Much as I do like my green tea, I cannot deny that there is an aspect of drinking it for health purposes rather than for pure pleasure.  When I had Chinese friends it was entirely for pleasure, but then as always there is no comparison between the real thing and the stuff I get in the local shop.  I could go to an importer of the real stuff, quite easily in fact, but for whatever reason I am slightly intimidated by walking into shops of that nature, despite them now being the majority in the lower end of our town.  Since acknowledging that I have been using alcohol as a coping mechanism, both to get myself to sleep, and to drown out my constant worries, I decided to try to temper it a little.  As a result, my anxiety levels have flown through the roof, even though this is only day three, and I am trying to counteract them with exercise and enjoyable non-alcoholic beverages.  I'm also having the most bizarre dreams, many of which continue for the first five or ten minutes of being awake.  I had this same experience when I gave up smoking, now when I take a sleeping tablet and also when I gave up pepsi max.  I find myself leaping out of bed to escape the unpleasantness that the dreams present in varying forms.  It is a horrible way to be repetitively woken up on a near hourly basis.  I am very prone to hallucinations; it happens without having to engage in substance abuse.  As a child I had to continually meander my way through a world that was half real and half imagined.  So add to that even the lightest touch of addiction and I am in instant trouble.  I imagine this will continue for some time.  I am lucky in that at the age of sixteen I witnessed an alcoholic detox of a dear friend and it was an incredible experience.  I had moments of love, of terror, of horror, of revulsion, of anger, of frustration.  It was a relationship I should never have found myself in, but despite my family still not accepting it, I learnt everything I needed to know to navigate my way through the next ten years of my life without getting sucked into anything too damaging.  I relish each and every one of my life experiences.  I think of all the situations I pulled myself out of just in time, because of that association.  And this is one of those.  I know how slippery this slope can be.  Drinking should be social, for pleasure.  Not for coping.

So now I have to find other things to occupy myself, just until my head has let go of that raging need to have a drink.  The next one I have must be for pleasure, not because I have just had a stressful phone call.  My doctor commends me for my self-awareness, and I revel in his praise. 

Tomorrow is the last week of raspberries for me.  Shame.

The thought of the exam is causing me significantly less stress than the thought of acting as mediator between family for the next few months.  In fact, the exam is something I am almost holding accountable for my current stress, as for whatever reason, family issues always, always raise their ugly heads right before I have exams.  Always.  They try to reign it in, unsuccessfully, which means that in the back of my mind... no... the forefront of my mind, I am aware that as soon as my exams are over, those reigns will be released, and the emotional flood-gates that the little bits of crap have been seeping through, will burst open, and all the baggage that no-one else seems able to carry, will arrive at my door in one overwhelming cataclysm.  It's almost worse knowing it's coming!  I can actually laugh with friends now about how predictable the behaviours of these people are.  We even plan debrief days in advance.  Despite knowing that this mentally exhausting period is fast approaching, I can't help but feel a sense of satisfaction, and pleasure, at the deep rooted support system I have around me.  I can say without trepidation that I know who my friends are.  And that is what makes life wonderful, in spite of all the idiots!