Personal Blogs

Yesterday clearly demonstrated how much is going on, completely unattended to, in my subconscious.  Despite my spirited start to the day, I found it difficult to settle down to study.  My Uncle called in the morning and negotiated a number of dates for meeting up.  This information then needed to be relayed to third parties.  I did this, but unfortunately only in the mediums of answerphone messages and texts.  I received no response for hours.  Having the meetings still hanging in the air, and knowing I still had to relay confirmation back to my Uncle left me struggling to focus.  I was aware that the return phone call might have been laden with emotional baggage.  As it turns out, it wasn't particularly, but the undertones were nonetheless hard to miss.  Just after 5pm, I decided I would start writing my revision cards.  This is my latest strategy to pretend that I have an effective revision plan.  I don't.  I should be writing the assignment first for a start.  I wrote one card, and the phone rang.  One card!  Dates confirmed, meeting place changed (but changed for the better aside from a hefty increase in travel expenses for me compared to the original plan).  I knew I now had to phone my Uncle back, and my head was back in the family nonsense zone.  As soon as I hung up I burst into tears!  One of those instantaneous moments over which you have no control.  Determined not to waste the rest of the day, I quickly pulled myself together, phoned my Uncle, re-confirmed, and phoned back third parties to confirm the re-confirmation.  Sorted.  I continued on with my revision cards, but the happiness factor now eluded me.

I closed my books and tried to work out where it had gone.  Nothing bad had happened, and everyone had been nice.  In fact, both my Uncle and the third parties thanked me several times for taking responsibility for the arrangements, and even acknowledged that it must be extremely difficult for me.  It is.  They even apologised for the poor timing with me having to take out so much time just before my exams.  I concluded that I was actually more annoyed by their kindness.  It's one of those - don't say sorry, just don't do it! - feelings.  It seems like an advanced apology for hurting me.

Determined not to let this turn of events ruin my good mood, I went and did my next lot of strength training, and I admit to imagining stamping on heads during my lunges.  I then talked it over a little with my cat, cooked a massive batch of vitamin rich veg, opened a bottle of wine (yes, I know), closed my books, set up my facebook chat and watched a children's film.  My friends cheered me up in no time.  I made no mention of the negative aspects of my day, just joined straight in with their idiotic humour which I am no stranger to myself.  I may have instigated it; who knows.  Who cares.  I re-happied myself.

And then, just before I went to bed I received an e-mail from another family member.  In their previous e-mail they had done two things.  Firstly they had demonstrated an interest in acupuncture, and secondly an interest in my fear of it.  I sent two responses.  The first was an explanation as to my fear, which followed a very emotional treatment during a period of intense family turbulence.  The second was an extract from a book on Chinese medicine.  They only replied to the second.  Once again I was just the person in the middle, with everyone else getting exactly what they needed from me.  I've forwarded the e-mail to Al, so that he may now impart his wisdom on the matter.  I understand why they didn't reply to my first e-mail.  They have already explained that they do not respond to negativity, and in my explanation I had made reference to the fact that I had been going through a very difficult time all those years ago.  However, it was not possible to answer their question without explaining the situation.  The story could not be alleviated of past pain or it would not have made sense.  It seems no one is yet really ready to relieve me of any of my burdens, despite their words to the contrary.  All that has changed is that they are now ready to commend me for my strength.  I think I should make this my final year of holding up this false world.  I'll do it so that everyone has their opportunity to make and maintain contact, but somehow, I have to get away from being the pivotal point for all to bounce off.  My family is vast.  How I ever came to being the centre of it is beyond comprehension.  The centre of it, exhausting myself to ensure everyone's needs are met, and yet mine remain almost completely ignored.  Anyhoo, that e-mail just made me realise that I had built up false hopes for a new and improved support network.  I'm still more than happy to have all these extra people in my life, but there remains only one person who I can depend on, and that's me. 

So then to glean the positives!  I have developed a bond with my Uncle over the past years that is so strange and unspoken, but so great.  It isn't him stopping the direct contact, and he hates having to go through me in this way.  He never asks me to relay anything.  He never asks for meetings.  He is always at the receiving end of a third party request.  Much like me, he is forced into these uncomfortable positions.  He asks the right questions, cares about the right things, and understands fully.  I suppose he is somebody that I love.  Somebody else who I love, my dear friend Sam (who I can call by name now that she has openly accessed my blog!) is coming to stay this weekend.  She's out in the day at a University study weekend.  That should give me added incentive to do my work - which it already has.  I awoke this morning and got straight into studying.  And then the evenings we can have a good catch up.  I have had a 75% success rate with not drinking for the wrong reasons.  This is up from 0% for the past month.  I have started studying properly.  I haven't done anything stupid, have kept my cool, and once again, have made myself happy.  I am ready and waiting for the next blow!!