Personal Blogs

I forgot to blog last week because I was on annual leave and studying. 

I will start blogging on Wednesday because I want to keep updated, and I want to be able to talk about how I feel. When I had a session on Mental Health and how to cope with the OU studying and not get too overwhelmed, I enjoyed it. It was suggested that I say something like, 'How is my heart today?' I thought that was a lovely thing to say because I tend to push how I feel aside and deal with it later. I am the type of person who will act first and cry later. It is hard to call when I want to; I am either at work, with friends or family, and they don't want me sitting with them crying. I cry when I am alone, which is when I am in bed alone, and I think about my life and what I want to achieve; then I procrastinate, and then I kick myself for doing that. I have an assignment this Thursday. Part of the TMA 01 is to partake in the forums. I find it so hard to put myself out there in case someone thinks that I am not good at what I am doing studying this qualification when I can't even write well. Everyone is learning, and I know I am not yet significant, another aspect that was brought up. I am not there...yet. And that is something I have to remember: I am learning, and I am enjoying the course, and I need to push myself, and the only person who is standing in my way is me. I don't know how to move that side of me away, and it is driving me insane. I don't want to get there in my own sweet time because I am forty-five years old. In five years, I will be fifty, and what have I achieved? Nothing. I have a daughter, and she is fantastic. I have made her my life project. She is self-driven, ambitious, and motivated, and she does what she has set for herself; for instance, she wants to move out in 2024, and she will be twenty-five years old, which is fantastic. She drives, has her car and her own life. Now, I want to be able to do something for myself, which is to pass and get my degree in English literature and Creative Writing, and I would love to go on and study for my master's degree. If I have enough faith in myself and money, I would like to go on and gain a Ph.D. and teach adults how to write.

A lecturer at the OU, for instance, does not have a tutor group but gives a tutorial for Creative Writing. Not only do I want to write and get published, but I also want to provide tutorial lessons and be able to help others get where they would like to be. My sister said this is a hobby, but if I could get not just a great job out of this and to write and my goal to be a New York Times best-selling author, that would also be fantastic. What is standing in my way? Myself. I need to put myself out there, and I have to push past this. I am not sure how, and someone said it has to do with confidence. Well, I don't have that yet, and I need to build on that. I will, however, get through this TMA 01, and I will push myself. I will not blog again until the weekend because this is TMA week, and this is what I will concentrate on this week. I will blog at the end of the week.

Bye for now.