Confession time: I don't want my daughter to go to university
Friday, 20 Sept 2024, 20:39
Visible to anyone in the world
My daughter is almost exactly 30 years younger than me so I have two events colliding currently. It's 30 years since I embarked on my first (very ill-advised) degree and my daughter is leaving home to go to university.
Truthfully, I have been in bits all summer and (I recently learned) my condition has been the subject of much prayer within my church.
Because I might work in higher education, but if I'm being brutally (autistically) honest, I don't want my daughter to go to university.
Many well-meaning people have been offering me advice on how best to advise my daughter (she inherited her autism from me) to ensure she makes friends.
I am politlely smiling and nodding and trying desperately not to cry as these sage gems of well-intentioned wisdom are imparted to me. Because I did exactly those things myself. And they didn't work. My time at my alma mater were the loneliest three years of my life. So lonely I began regularly self-harming and, on one particularly bleak night, attempted to end my own life. I made no friends at university, merely aquaintances in various social groups who (mostly politely) tolerated me until we graduated and they were able to finally rid me from their lives and pretend I didn't exist. I had no one to talk to at all and I knew it.
My advice to my daughter is different to what a neurotypical person may advise a neurotypical child. You need to be utterly, utterly transparent about who you are. The sooner that ableists discover who you are the sooner they will remove themselves from your life and the sooner you can find the neurodivergents and non-ableists that are happy to accept you as you are. Do not bother trying to do everything, to 'get the most' out of fresher's week. Focus on you - what do you enjoy. There is no point forcing yourself to try things you don't like, you won't find your people there. Go to church. The Bible literally tells Christians to be a 'friend to the friendless'. Any Christian worth their Biblical salt will be accepting of others that don't present neurotypically. Annoy the hell out of the chaplains. Their job is to care for the spiritual and emotional wellbeing of the students and staff in a university in a way that a personal tutor or line manager (however well-meaning) cannot ever hope to be because of competing demands on their time. At the open day, I pointed out the dedicated chaplaincy office at my daughter's institution with its open invitation to drop in for tea and biscuits and a chat. And most importantly of all to remember that a university degree is little different from your first job. If you are truly, truly miserable don't ever be afraid to drop out! University credits can often be transferred to a better, more welcoming institution.
Confession time: I don't want my daughter to go to university
My daughter is almost exactly 30 years younger than me so I have two events colliding currently. It's 30 years since I embarked on my first (very ill-advised) degree and my daughter is leaving home to go to university.
Truthfully, I have been in bits all summer and (I recently learned) my condition has been the subject of much prayer within my church.
Because I might work in higher education, but if I'm being brutally (autistically) honest, I don't want my daughter to go to university.
Many well-meaning people have been offering me advice on how best to advise my daughter (she inherited her autism from me) to ensure she makes friends.
I am politlely smiling and nodding and trying desperately not to cry as these sage gems of well-intentioned wisdom are imparted to me. Because I did exactly those things myself. And they didn't work. My time at my alma mater were the loneliest three years of my life. So lonely I began regularly self-harming and, on one particularly bleak night, attempted to end my own life. I made no friends at university, merely aquaintances in various social groups who (mostly politely) tolerated me until we graduated and they were able to finally rid me from their lives and pretend I didn't exist. I had no one to talk to at all and I knew it.
My advice to my daughter is different to what a neurotypical person may advise a neurotypical child. You need to be utterly, utterly transparent about who you are. The sooner that ableists discover who you are the sooner they will remove themselves from your life and the sooner you can find the neurodivergents and non-ableists that are happy to accept you as you are. Do not bother trying to do everything, to 'get the most' out of fresher's week. Focus on you - what do you enjoy. There is no point forcing yourself to try things you don't like, you won't find your people there. Go to church. The Bible literally tells Christians to be a 'friend to the friendless'. Any Christian worth their Biblical salt will be accepting of others that don't present neurotypically. Annoy the hell out of the chaplains. Their job is to care for the spiritual and emotional wellbeing of the students and staff in a university in a way that a personal tutor or line manager (however well-meaning) cannot ever hope to be because of competing demands on their time. At the open day, I pointed out the dedicated chaplaincy office at my daughter's institution with its open invitation to drop in for tea and biscuits and a chat. And most importantly of all to remember that a university degree is little different from your first job. If you are truly, truly miserable don't ever be afraid to drop out! University credits can often be transferred to a better, more welcoming institution.