It bit, brutalized, a brick to the back of the brain, the pain and paranoia, the screaming oppressiveness I wept, recalcitrant, my hands, endeavor to stave off the chaos. testing, reach out to the soul, nullifying, fact, I am, worthless, I am nothing. But my trial persists.
I speak to the woman on the phone, she asks me, ‘are you suicidal?’ of course I am suicidal! I am a nothing, a nobody, a worthless shit, they all hate me, are out to trip me up, and want me to fail, I’d be better off dead, they would be better off with me dead, I’m a shit, shit, shit, shit. even those that care would be happier if I was not there.
Rationally, irrational.
I hang up. I pick up the knife, pressing it against my flesh, evaluating it for its keenness. A simple press against my wrist would be all that was needed. I plan the place, nothing too grandeur, But it needed to be away from people, I didn’t want to be saved.
I look at the headphone wire, would it take my weight, would the banister? Only the knowledge that she would find me halts my hands from making a noose.
A moment of clarity.
~ written by me in Jan 2011 with the following commentary:
4 months ago I suffered a severe depressive episode, I have since been diagnosed with Bi Polar II. I have written this on reflection on the worst time for me (right at the start of that major episode).
BiPolar Down
It bit, brutalized, a brick to the back of the brain,
the pain and paranoia, the screaming oppressiveness
I wept, recalcitrant,
my hands, endeavor to stave off the chaos.
testing, reach out to the soul, nullifying, fact, I am, worthless, I am nothing.
But my trial persists.
I speak to the woman on the phone, she asks me, ‘are you suicidal?’
of course I am suicidal!
I am a nothing,
a nobody,
a worthless shit,
they all hate me,
are out to trip me up,
and want me to fail,
I’d be better off dead,
they would be better off with me dead,
I’m a shit, shit, shit, shit.
even those that care would be happier if I was not there.
Rationally, irrational.
I hang up.
I pick up the knife, pressing it against my flesh,
evaluating it for its keenness.
A simple press against my wrist would be all that was needed.
I plan the place, nothing too grandeur,
But it needed to be away from people, I didn’t want to be saved.
I look at the headphone wire,
would it take my weight, would the banister?
Only the knowledge that she would find me halts my hands from making a noose.
A moment of clarity.
~ written by me in Jan 2011 with the following commentary:
4 months ago I suffered a severe depressive episode, I have since been diagnosed with Bi Polar II. I have written this on reflection on the worst time for me (right at the start of that major episode).