Personal Blogs

Part 6.

Cuthbert Dry-Monotone explores what writers of exciting and engaging non-fiction have in common with the best fiction-writers.  In this episode, he is fortunate to be able to talk to the celebrated cookery writer and broadcaster, Nigella Lawson*. 

[Nervously.] “Er…Er…I’m here with, um, Nigella…”

“Lawson, darling – Nigella Lawson.”

“Er, yes.  Of course.  Nigella Lawson.” [Trying to sound more confident.] “The eminent TV personality and food expert, Nigella Lawson.  Now, er…, before we continue…”

“Yes, darling?”

[In subdued tones.]  “I…er…I’ve been having a few problems recently.”

“Yes?”

“I must admit that I’m rather nervous about this interview.”

“Nervous, darling?”

“Yes.  Very nervous.”

“Don’t worry, darling.  I promise to be gentle with you.”

[Slightly off-mike.] “Oh god: it’s started already.  What I am going to do?” 

“Just relax, darling.  Come and sit here.  Now, what did you want to talk about?”  [Pause.]  “Now come on, darling.  Don’t be shy.”

“Did the researchers speak to you before we started recording?”

“Of course, darling.  They were simply sweet.”

“Ah, good.  In that case, I was wondering if we could start by discussing how the idea of the ‘inciting incident’ – a concept from fiction writing – might apply to, for example, a TV cookery programme.”

“Well, it is all about creating excitement.”

“Yes?”

“About doing the unexpected.”

“Yes?”

“It’s all about passion.”

“Yes?”

“It’s about arousal.”

[Slightly off-mike.] “Oh, god.”

“Let’s take a simple kind of cuisine.”

“Yes?  What cuisine?”

“Well, English food, for example.”

“Yes, that sounds a safe enough option.”

“Safe.  Exactly, darling.  Safe.  Safe means boring…tedious…tired…worn-out…”

“Right.”

[Slightly off-mike.] “A bit like your clothes, darling.  And a go with the iron wouldn’t hurt, either.”

“What?”

“English food.  Let’s start with an ingredient in English dishes which is a bit boring.”

“Errr…”

“I know: a sausage.”

“Oh, god.  This is worse than I thought.”

“In English cooking, we use sausages to make…what?”

[Mumbling.]  “Toad-in-the-hole.”

“IN THE HOLE!  That’s it, darling.  Or hide-the-sausage, as I like to call it.”  [Sound of a man whimpering.] “Now, the sausage needs to be excited and aroused.  It needs some heat.  What can we use to give it heat?  A chilli.  Look at this habañero chilli, darling.”

“Yes.”

“Look at its pinkish-red folds.”  [Sound of more whimpering.]  “Now, I am going to use the pinkish-red flesh of the chilli to arouse the sausage.”  [Sound of heavy breathing.]  “Just let me part the folds of the chilli…Now, the meat of the sausage is covered.  We need to unzip it.”  [Breathing gets heavier.]  “Finally, let’s rub the moist flesh of the chilli on the naked and unzipped sausage.”

“AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHGGGGGGGGGGGGG!  Call an ambulance, QUICK!”  

* None of this is true.  Any resemblance in this piece between the character depicted and the real Nigella Lawson is simply a product of our dirty minds.