Personal Blogs

CD-M:   Good afternoon, and welcome to this audio CD presentation for A36B: Start Talking Advanced Bollocks.  My name is Cuthbert Dry-Monotone.  I am here with the celebrated author and lecturer, Derek Nail. (suppresses yawn)

DN:     Good afternoon. 

CD-M:   I wonder if we could start our discussion with the creative processes you went through in order to adapt your short story, “The Porridge Stirrers”?  What would you say “The Porridge Stirrers” is about?

DN:     It’s about a man called Brian Gobbett who is a porridge-stirrer.

CD-M:   (suppresses yawn) Yes, but it’s about more than that, isn’t it?

DN:     Most certainly.  The story’s inciting incident is when, one early morning, very unexpectedly, Brian’s favourite stirring-stick breaks.  He receives a flood of memories from the time before his wife died, when they were together in Bucharest, and they bought the stirring-stick together.  He remembers his youthful ambition, and how he was determined to become the big name among independent porridge-stirrers in the north of England.  He then reflects on how many frustrations and disappointments he has had to face since then.  He wonders how he is ever going to replace the stick.  He teeters on the brink of despair.

CD-M:   Fascinating, angst-ridden stuff.  And then what happens?

DN:     He opens the door of his workshop to investigate an unexpected noise.  He finds a youth, a street urchin, who has apparently got into difficulties while attempting to insert an improvised parcel full of dog-shit through the letterbox.  The youth has among his few simple belongings a beautifully carved and decorated wooden rod.  Brian sees this and instantly believes that it is a sign that he must take the youth in and teach him the art of porridge-stirring.  Only by doing this can he be sure that his life’s work will carry on and hence he can face the prospect of retirement.

CD-M:   Riveting.  And how does the story end?

DN:     With a tableau of the youth, after he has finished his training and taken over the business, vigorously but gracefully stirring porridge.

CD-M:   And what challenges did you face when thinking about how to adapt the short story into other media?

DN:     I think the biggest challenge was how to avoid over-taxing the listener or viewer.

CD-M:   Over-taxing?  How do you mean?

DN:     Well, the traditional stirring of porridge by hand is an activity which engages all of the senses: the sight of the muscular and determined figure of the porridge-stirrer himself, the rustic beauty of his intricately-carved stirring-stick, the glutinous texture and earthy aroma of the porridge.  I wanted to convey all this as simply and directly as possible, so that the person absorbing the adaptation would not miss anything.

CD-M:   (fails miserably to suppress yawn) And were there any other challenges?

DN:     There was also a set of technical problems to be overcome.

CD-M:   Technical problems to do with what?

DN:     To do with the details of the art and practice of porridge-stirring, which are things of forbidding complexity and subtlety.

CD-M:   And so did these considerations influence your choice of medium?

DN:     Indeed.  I thought that it would be impossible to convey these things on the radio.  I also thought that material of this depth would work best as cinema.  I began to work on a film-adaptation.

 CD-M:  I wander if you could just (yawns) take us through the storyboard for the opening sequence?

DN:     Of course.  Here we see Brian Gobbett walking from his home to his workshop.  He glances up at the huge wooden spoon over the door as he enters.  He changes into his work-clothes. (sound of snoring getting gradually louder) He lights the gas under the porridge-pot.  He picks up his stirring-stick, and goes through some warm-up exercises.  He removes the lid from the porridge-pot.  The camera looks down from above as the mixture starts to boil.  He offers a silent prayer, introduces his stirring-stick, and begins to stir…

CD-M:   (waking) HMM!  What?  Er, yes, of course.  Are we still recording?  

* The six previous parts have been posted to this blog already.  You can find them by searching for "Audio CD".