Personal Blogs

I'm a ceoliac and a vegetarian, which means that junk food is denied me, why? I'm a market am I not, make me fat you bastards.

I often have to get up four in the morning, I often don't fancy a bowl of rice or the making of porridge at that time in the am. And I resent paying about five times the normal price for a gluten-free version of oats which, as a Scot, should be my birth-right cereal. I gave in and bought some gluten-free cornflakes.

Most gluten-free food is shite, it's almost like what it pretends to be, but not quite. In a way that makes it almost completely un-edible; the first bite seems ok, the second makes you boak. We have a valley of disgust problem.

I realized early-doors after my diagnosis that I could thole none of it. I have a repeat prescription for pizza, well the bases anyway. This annoyed my wife enormously, until she tasted the things.

The cornflakes weren't too bad in the texture sense [which is where it usually goes wrong] what I missed was a normal mix of dangerous/bad-for-you chemicals that normal humans take for granted in their food. Just because I'm a mutant doesn't mean that I can't appreciate e-numbers.

I remember this problem from when I went vegetarian—I call it sausage-angst: the unreasonable annoyance of carnivores when faced with the fact that vegetarians might like the odd meat-free sausage.

Why do the food-nazis who are apparently hell-bent on making the rest of humanity bariatric [the word that doctors now use for obese] deny me my opportunity?

Swine.