My emotional regulation inability "that comes with An Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder/Borderline Personality Disorder EUPD/BDP, twinned with the break from being silenced most of my life due to family members control, is turning out to not being a good mix. 

The catalyst of my fathers murder and my brothers murder conviction, which freed me from living under their spell, has only seemed to serve myself being cut out from the regularity of human communication, and started the process of being able to join in on the regularity of human communication.

I have gone from one extreme to the other, constantly being told to shut up, toped with a criminals code of silence being thrust upon me, "trust no one" tell no one nothing", this has left me leaping from complete and utter silence, to the free feeling of being able to say what i like, when i like, to who i like. This to has implications, so i have to "find my grey" as the therapists say. Instead of jumping from black to white (one extreme to the other) i have to get to know my grey (find the middle ground).

Today, i find myself analysing what i say before i say it, being frustrated in having to analyse what i say before i say it, struggling with speaking from my wise mind as opposed to my emotional mind, apologising for being judgemental, deleting posts, being embarrassed for comments i have made and feeling massively disconnected from people of which i feel so desperate to communicate with and then having to go through the whole process again in the hope i get it right next time.

Trying to replace all i have learned from a dysfunctional family, is without doubt the hardest thing i have ever had to do in my life, i am constantly drained as the energy it takes is overwhelming, if i give up i am forced to live with the consequences that come from trusting no one and keeping things bottled up from this common misconception that has been drilled in to me, and if i do not give up, i make mistakes along the way, for which i find myself regretting and its almost shameful at times.

Nether the less, i will continue my battle, as the thought of not trying to better myself gives me visions of a possible out come of my life that resembles my Fathers and Brothers, i am not saying i am better than them or i am more superior, or even that they did not have good qualities, its just that i dont want to experience their consequences, which i feel are there for me if i do not make the right choices. 

There seems to be no break from self development or self realisation, i have spent my entire life trying to repair the damage that was caused from my being taught to live a life that is so contrasted from what is social acceptable. The pressure i find myself under has impacted my body to the point i have a chronic nerve condition that is psychosomatic, i feel damned if i do, damned if i dont, i am 46 and i feel like i am 86. The only sense i can make of it is, that, i am going through this for a reason, the trouble is, working out what that reason is, i sure do hope i get to do that, as i am tired, tired of the daily mind battle just to live, just to make it through the day in order to wake up and start the process over again.

I know things could be worse and i know there are others who suffer to, to be honest, i have never quite understood that concept 'there are others suffering to' as that seems to depress me further, i never have got comfort from knowing that others suffer.

WWG1WGA