My emotional regulation inability "that comes with An Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder/Borderline Personality Disorder EUPD/BDP, twinned with the break from being silenced most of my life due to family members control, is turning out to not being a good mix.
The catalyst of my fathers murder and my brothers murder conviction, which freed me from living under their spell, has only seemed to serve myself being cut out from the regularity of human communication, and started the process of being able to join in on the regularity of human communication.
I have gone from one extreme to the other, constantly being told to shut up, toped with a criminals code of silence being thrust upon me, "trust no one" tell no one nothing", this has left me leaping from complete and utter silence, to the free feeling of being able to say what i like, when i like, to who i like. This to has implications, so i have to "find my grey" as the therapists say. Instead of jumping from black to white (one extreme to the other) i have to get to know my grey (find the middle ground).
Today, i find myself analysing what i say before i say it, being frustrated in having to analyse what i say before i say it, struggling with speaking from my wise mind as opposed to my emotional mind, apologising for being judgemental, deleting posts, being embarrassed for comments i have made and feeling massively disconnected from people of which i feel so desperate to communicate with and then having to go through the whole process again in the hope i get it right next time.
Trying to replace all i have learned from a dysfunctional family, is without doubt the hardest thing i have ever had to do in my life, i am constantly drained as the energy it takes is overwhelming, if i give up i am forced to live with the consequences that come from trusting no one and keeping things bottled up from this common misconception that has been drilled in to me, and if i do not give up, i make mistakes along the way, for which i find myself regretting and its almost shameful at times.
Nether the less, i will continue my battle, as the thought of not trying to better myself gives me visions of a possible out come of my life that resembles my Fathers and Brothers, i am not saying i am better than them or i am more superior, or even that they did not have good qualities, its just that i dont want to experience their consequences, which i feel are there for me if i do not make the right choices.
There seems to be no break from self development or self realisation, i have spent my entire life trying to repair the damage that was caused from my being taught to live a life that is so contrasted from what is social acceptable. The pressure i find myself under has impacted my body to the point i have a chronic nerve condition that is psychosomatic, i feel damned if i do, damned if i dont, i am 46 and i feel like i am 86. The only sense i can make of it is, that, i am going through this for a reason, the trouble is, working out what that reason is, i sure do hope i get to do that, as i am tired, tired of the daily mind battle just to live, just to make it through the day in order to wake up and start the process over again.
I know things could be worse and i know there are others who suffer to, to be honest, i have never quite understood that concept 'there are others suffering to' as that seems to depress me further, i never have got comfort from knowing that others suffer.
WWG1WGA
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You had every right to respond and feel the way you did buddy, i poked my nose in and chatted shit, good for you for putting me in my place, i needed it and well don for being the bigger person Mer, more power to ya.
Be lucky buddy
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Thank you Mer, I really do appreciate your understanding, it helps me to feel that little less insecure about myself and hat shit cant be bought, so thanks again. You're not rambling buddy, i see the sense in what you're saying, i guess it comes from that shitty upbringing huh? I cant imagine what it must have been like growing up in Northam Ireland buddy, i mean we all watch the news and we gat a sense, but then that is not even comparable, i dont support the empire Mer, or colonialism and i dont support the british government or the royal family, I know what this country has done to other countries around the world over time and i dont support any of it and I'm sorry for your suffering brother. On a good note though there's nothing like a bit of trauma to create a lot of wisdom huh? i guess it comes down to the management, well, for me it does. Conversations like this help me feel better, so thank you for that, i dont know much in life Mer, but i know what its like to suffer and the battle back from suffering, and the people i meet along the way are my kind of people. We'll get there Mer, we'll make sense of it and when we do, we'll make difference, what are you studying Mer?
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With out a shadow of a doubt dude, i wish you the very best of success in all you encounter, you're a gentleman and i appreciate you looking through the shit i spout and giving me recognition, thats priceless Mer and i thank you for that, i am sure you will be the very best you can be in your studies and make it as a teacher, as for how you have reacted to me, that only goes to shows your good character and your skill set, who ever it is you come to teach in the future Mer, I'm sure will say the same, you certainly schooled me Mer, i needed it so more power to ya, god bless mad be lucky Mer.