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Day 22

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Edited by Casper Smith, Saturday, 24 Oct 2020, 21:28

This is the 3rd day of my mothers illness, we had the paramedic out Wednesday who said it was gastric related, my mother needs her ghoul bladder removing but my mum takes rivaroxaban because of four blood clots and she is unable to have an operation for fear of bleeding to death. The paramedic said my mother was to stop eating fatty, fried, fizzy or dairy foods which we have done for a couple of days, all my mum has had over the last couple of days is toast and black tea and yet my mothers condition is still the same. Again we are on the phone to the doctor waiting for a call back to instruct us further. I guess I have no need to say the worry that goes on with us and our parents. I have all the faith in the world and i am really sure that they will help us get to the bottom of what is wrong with my mother and give her some peace of mind and way of moving forward that benefits her. My mother is on the phone to the doctor now who has just called back and they are suggesting that my mother rings 999 and gets in to hospital to be examined so hears to the higher power or who ever is watching over, please my mother is so selfless, never complains, moans, whinges, asks for anything, the suffering my mother has endured at the hands of my father is overwhelming, she is a soldier, a warrior and the reason why I am the way I am, she's my inspiration, motivation and inspiration, an ambulance is on its way so, I LOVE YOU MUMxxx


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Day 19

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Edited by Casper Smith, Wednesday, 21 Oct 2020, 23:27

Another meeting attended and sobriety is well underway, a good video call with the DBT Therapist and some good email communications with Psycho-social interventions manager, a day off from my studies although I submitted my first TMA, I am very much looking forward to the feed back and moving forward with a better grasp and understanding of what is wanted from me over the course of this Social Sciences degree. It seems I have managed to bounce back from my lapse with minimal excess damage, I am so used to building a bonfire at times like these, its refreshing to see a positive change.


WWG1WGA

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Day 18

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Edited by Casper Smith, Wednesday, 21 Oct 2020, 00:15

Another meeting under my belt and I'm really feeling the benefit, sobriety is nice, such a haven after a relapse, I no longer count the days as I'm sure it will just be added pressure in the end. I cant wait to wake tomorrow and an have a full day of getting back to some habitual studies and some DBT in the afternoon. I've learnt a lot about myself over the last couple of weeks so my self destructive behaviour has not been in vain, I've been able to deal with it involving the appropriate people that are able to deal with me in the way that i need and not impose my personal issues on those that care for, damage limitation for sure. I'm really feeling less pressured  in regards to caring for my mother, I'm not quite sure why or how this has happened but I will certainly take advantage of the fact that it has happened and takes it for what its worth.



WWG1WGA

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Day 17

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Day two of sobriety started with my first meeting, it was so good to say nothing to just listen instead of repeating the same old positive affirmation stuff that I am always so good at giving but on this occasion not so good at acting upon myself. It may sound bizarre but I get sick of people telling me that I bring so much to the group and how so many people benefit from my input, I want to be the person who benefits I want some one like me in the group and I have come to the conclusion I will only find that person if I shut up and listen. How can I really learn if I'm talking, surely i am just repeating the same old junk I've said million times. I'm so happy that I chose to start studying real early and have my first TMA all sewn up, I dont think I could of coped had i started at the normal time and then relapsed the pressure of falling behind and trying to catch up under pressure could of lead to me pressing the f@+! it button. Well I've slipped I've acted on it, I have to learn from it and move on before it causes more damage than it needs too. I must count my blessings and show gratitude so my studies do not get affected negatively any more than need be.



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Day 16

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Edited by Casper Smith, Sunday, 18 Oct 2020, 23:47

Once again my demons got the better of me. Five days of my life mindlessly wasted and the battle for sobriety lost only to start once more. At my worst I feel I'm a slave to my addiction, I was in active recovery and as of today I am again. I turned my back on my studies, my duties as a carer for my poor mother and the chance to champion my recovery only to plummet in to an abyss of self loathing, self harm and an obsession to destroy whatever good I have at the time. I've used today as a day of rest, recovery and preparation for the new morning to begin a start to gaining sobriety. I've heard people say "you only live once" through out my life experience I believe I'm reborn again and again every time the morning starts and i awake with grace and the gratitude of the chance that has been given me to start again, if anything I believe you only die once. I've honestly have no idea where I get the drive or the will to pick myself up and keep trying as I have been in this place so many times before.

 Who ever is watching out for me, who ever the higher power may be and who ever it is I am supposed to bow done for, I say thank you for the lessons, thank you for my pain, my suffering and thank you for the will to want to carry on as I'm sure there is a message in there somewhere and a reason why I'm on the path I'm on, forgive me for not thanking you for the pain and suffering I impose on those who care for me, I cant bare the suffering of others just to educate me. I refuse to be defined by my actions, I refuse to be defined by one aspect of my life, 46 years, 16,802 days, 403.248 hours, 24,194.88 minutes, 1,450,656,000 seconds is far to long for far to many things to happen to be defined by just one experience, which indeed could only take seconds. This is where the infinite awareness of consciousness helps to gain a perspective on things, I dont care to think of how many experiences I've had in this process called life but that is what they are they are experiences that I've been through, how can I begin to narrow down my existence by calling myself by the name of just one experience. 

So thank you for the chance to try again, thank you for the chance to right my wrongs, thank for what I have as so many have fewer and thank you for my pain and suffering as so many suffer greater.


WWG1WGA

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Day Eleven

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Edited by Casper Smith, Tuesday, 13 Oct 2020, 16:36

I knew I had to have a proper day off, I just swapped Monday for Sunday, I never realised it would so hard withdrawing from technology or even reducing. I've spent the last couple of months toying with the idea of getting my pre-internet brain back for no good reason I was checking my phone, scrolling mindlessly and achieving nothing. I started by giving up social media "which if I'm honest was quite easy, i have disabled all apps on my smart phone and I will be getting an analogue Nokia this week. I have transferred all of my smart app capabilities to my laptop, which in itself has reduced the number of times I pick my phone. Phase two will be cutting down the use of my laptop, its so hard though, take the OU for example need a laptop! I want to go to the bank instead of watching a screen, i want to talk to people with questions and discussions! I want the world to re-join the world and keep fit not stay in doors and do it on an app! On a beautiful summers evening I want the world to fall head over heels for a stranger they I] barely know and because of physical attraction a  double take takes and guess what they turned too, then they spent the afternoon chatting getting to know each other, preparing our second date! Not swipe left and right looking and computer enhanced phots until they think I've found someone they might like, all taking place in the loneliness of tunnel vision eyes down on a screen. I've come to realise over time that I cannot change the world, I can only change my world..........so as the old song goes "a change gone come"


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Day nine

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Edited by Casper Smith, Tuesday, 13 Oct 2020, 16:35

Now normally Sundays for me are a day where I look for things not to do, no thinking, no stress, no laptop, smart phone, studies etc etc, but since I've started a journal/blog titled day one, day two etc etc, I feel obliged to note something down every day until studies end. So here it it is.


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Day Eight

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Edited by Casper Smith, Tuesday, 13 Oct 2020, 16:36
Well its the weekend and I plan to do nothing, sometimes i have to give my my washing machine spin cycle mind a break from thinking, put the laptop and the semi working smart phone in the cupboard and take part in some mindfulness.


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Day Seven

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Edited by Casper Smith, Friday, 9 Oct 2020, 12:45

I'm feeling pretty confident so far and relaxed about studying DD102, I got my books early so I started to study around the 2/9, My first TMA is complete and I keep going back to it over time to see if I can add or take anything away, I m still not sure whether to submit it or not. My mental health disorders make it hard for me to deal with pressure because I always react negatively, I'm hope my strategy doesn't  come back and bite me on the butt. I thought if I could ahead at a safe distance it will allow time for me to rectify any mistakes I make and therefore wont cut in to my study time. I've found my flow and I'm feeling good about it, I hope all goes well with all the other students as we are all in the same boat.


WWG1WGA

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Day six

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Edited by Casper Smith, Thursday, 8 Oct 2020, 13:07

I started the day feeling overwhelmed that people not only read my blogs, they responded too, to be totally honest i dint realise that any one would notice but as i say I'm happy they have.

I really am an old fashioned man brought up with old fashioned values, so when it come to tech, I'm not the chewiest cookie in the pack, if any thing i am going through a detox and withdrawing from my smart phone 'because truly they are not that smart' It wont be long before I'm back to a basic Nakia that just rings in, out and does texts. My aim is to only use my laptop for the basics i.e.; OU and emails, I want my pre internet brain back and i fully intend to get it. 

This is a new phase for me, I'm actually feeling really good about my studies towards a degree, at first when I started my YO32 access module this year, because of a personal issue I had that really took over my mind set, I felt that I really struggled with YO32 and barley passed.

The first tutorial went fine and i learnt a great deal from it, there are instances where I am not reading articles properly which has led me too plastering my 3rd part of TMA01 on almost every thread apart from the one it is supposed to be on haha, I've asked the tutor if he can delete them, as it looks a bit trashy on my part.

I've just had my weekly video DBT (dialectical behaviour therapy) home work feed back session 'which mainly consist of emotional regulation and compared to last one session I missed and the session before that where I was a complete mess, I feel this session was a complete turn around, the Joys of CPTSD (Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and BPD (Borderline Personality Stress Disorder), its named BDP because it is on the boarder of a neurological and psychological disorder.

But all in all I am feeling really positive about this module, I'm sure it will change, as things do I hope I have what it tales to make I through the change. I wish each and everybody the very best in their chosen endeavours and pray you have the strength to make it through the tough times.


WWG1WGA

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Day Five

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Edited by Casper Smith, Thursday, 22 Oct 2020, 20:19
Its took some time and now my daily routine of waking up at a decent hour, having breakfast at breakfast time, lunch at lunch time and dinner at dinner time, finished off by going to bed at a reasonable time ready to do the same tomorrow. Such an everyday, simple task yet it has took me years to get back to it.
Whilst facing in my demons in rehab back in 2016 I committed the cardinal sin of starting a relationship, a relationship I would learn to regret with all my soul.
                  
               It did not take long for the relationship long to tern toxic, at first it started with being accused of theft, because she had short term memory loss and every time she couldn't find something I was accused of taking it, then it turned in too having milkshakes and glasses of wine throw in my face which turned to having dinner thrown over me, then the whole plate, moving quickly to having my glasses ripped from my face and scrunched up while being repeatedly struck in the face with the butt of her hand.my clothes set on fire, being locked out of her house while she goes out, emotionally blackmailed to the point where I never saw my own mother for 18 months.
                  Whilst the physical abuse was taking place, along with it came the verbal abuse 'how can any one love you when your own mother didn't even want you', 'you probably enjoyed what your dad done you freak' 'you slimy dirty thieving pykie' 'your lucky to have me'.
                  Who would of thought that a 5'ft 5'inch white middle class lady with MS could do this to a 6'ft 1' inch man with a Romany Gypsy background who was brought up on the wrong side of the track, not only that who would believe me if I told them, I finally got the strength to leave this lady after she stabbed me in my right upper arm, well I say after, but it was 6 months after.
                 
              I had her arrested and during this process I was manipulated to get back with her, little did I know
that the time this was only so I would drop the charges, by this point I had lost 6 stone in weight, my self harming was at a all time high, my eating was being controlled, when I showered was being controlled, when i smoked and who i interacted with was being controlled, I was suffering depression unmedicated unable to communicate with any one other than my ex, I really was in a bad way. And any insecurities I had from the past abuse I suffered at the hands of my father and the neglect and abandonment from my mother were soon back to haunt me.
                 
               I left a duel diagnosis rehab 'the prodigal child' I really was a txt book case of how CBT/EMDR/Neuro feedback and EEG therapy should work, I returned to the substance miscues charity I was working for and each and every one of them were completely over whelmed with the transformation in me.
                 
               Around the time of my ex partner stabbing me around the 8/8/08, I started to feel an overwhelming pain in my right arm, shoulder, back, chest and neck and because of her cohesive abuse and control it to a long time living with the pain before I could get to see a doctor.
when I finally get to see my doctor I told him what had been going on with my ex, so naturally we thought that the stab wound was responsible for the pain I was suffering, so I had x-rays taken, it turned out not to be the stab wound
                 
                  After examining the x-rays the doctor told me I have an abnormal rib growing out of the bottom of my neck on my right side at the same level as my collar bone, it was suspected by the doctor at the time that I could have CRPS (complex regional pain syndrome) I had further CAT scans and MRI scans which further led the Professors to believe it was TOPS ( thoracic out path syndrome) which would involve me having my collar bone removed and three ribs from my lower neck, TOPS is where nerves and muscle get pinched between my cervical rib and my collar bone. The operation has a low success rate and there is a chance of total paralyses,
                   
                   All of the above took a period of around year, experimenting with medication, the uncertainty of what was wrong with ne and how to fix me, now would you believe me if I told you that the chronic pain I was suffering was not CRPS or TOPS or even a result of being stabbed, the doctors final conclusion was that my injuries were not biological they were brought on psychologically, the stress, mental and emotional repression was such that it was making my body physically unwell.
In February I was diagnosed with CPTSD (complex post traumatic stress disorder) and BPD (borderline personality disorder, I see two therapists a week and take anti psychotics and anti depressants. I take medication for the chronic pain in my right upper torso i.e.; hand, arm, shoulder, chest, back, neck, face and head.
                   With in 3 years I have gone from being the prodigal child who's mental health and physical health were totally fine, having a promising carer in my newly found vocation of working with people who have substance misuse too taking 16 tablets a day for a chronic physical condition, two mental health disorders, I am now registered as disabled, I see two therapist once a week, I see a CPN twice a month, I see a physio once a week and pain management solutions once a week because of the wrong choices I made not being strong enough to up and leave.
If you are going through similar, please dont keep it a secret, please dont think they will get better, and if you are a man I know how you feel,
                   I've witnessed my mum as a victim of domestic abuse and I've witnessed domestic abuse and from my experience there are differences in the way we were treated, dont carry their shame, its theirs not yours, there is a way out and you can over come it, the help and support is there we have to break through the barriers and reach out for it. Good can come from bad and when it does its special kind of good, so embrace it and be the best you, I believe you can, I believe in you, as of now I believe in me too.
                All of this makes my studies  pleasure, the journey of self discovery and finding out why along the way, the power of understanding, the wisdom from emotion, the enhancing of suffering overpowered by will and determination to fight for the right to be sane empowers you to the extent were substantial changes can be made and a greater part of life takes place, I would not swap the pain and suffering for all the riches in the land, I'm happy to be me to think and feel the way I do, so to all my abusers I say thank you and take your power away, to all my abusers I say I've learned so much that empowers me, to all my abusers I no longer blame or carry your shame, to all my abusers 'you freed me'.

WWG1WGA
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Day four

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Edited by Casper Smith, Thursday, 22 Oct 2020, 20:16

Day four and I'm feeling good about what's to come, I'm so glad I did an access course as I'm sure i would not have a clue what's going on, It really has prepared me for OU life.

Now for a little background and my motivations, inspirations and passions. I'm from a Romany Gypsy background and the requirements from me and school was to the learn the basics, i.e.; read and wright, then leave school and learn the Romany way of life. This meant I was taken out of school when I was 13 to take part in the family businesses.

At 13 I was traveling to the US, driving lorries, rearing horses and fully taking part in an adult world, as Romanies grow up pretty fast. Now while that seemed cool at the time, I was not prepared for what was about to unfold within the inner workings of my family, which would not prepare me for life outside my family unit.

To cut a long story short my idols as a kid i.e.: my father, my brother would turn out to be the opposite to what I was led to believe. On the 14th of June 2007 my brother murdered a rival criminal and was sentenced to life imprisonment and my father was brutally murdered on 14th of June 2011. Now some would say these acts were poetic justice as my father had a dark side and my brother chose of life of risk, I would say thats life, if you live by the sword you will die by the sword, I dont rely on karma as a coping mechanism, I rely on my own being to face and accept the harsh reality that life can offer.

Needless to say I had to look for different role models.

Upon the revelations of my family and the events that took place, I took solace in substance misuse and waved goodbye to the fantasies I had romanticizing about my Romany background, I also said goodbye to decades of my life lost in self pity, blame and self harm.

All of what I have said is the back bone of  my OU endeavours and the start to find out who I am and now the meaning of my life was in question. Well my friends after reaching abstinence and volunteering for a substance misuse charity for a number of years, I finally found out what the meaning of my life is.............The meaning of my life is to find my gift and give it away, and now that is what I do.

I have discovered that I have a nature to sit with life's strugglers and be as positive and solution focused as I can, not only that I have discovered I am pretty good at it and the feeling that is achieved by these action is something that my families wealth, which would cause so many problems, could not buy.

Any action of selflessness, gratification, compassion, empathy and appealing to my EQ as well as my IQ, seeing myself in others and treating myself like the 5 year old me are tools I choose to abide by now in my new life.

People who display these attributes are my new role models, motivators, inspirators and my celebrities, these are the people that I celebrate.

Believe me I am no Buddha nor an angel, I am only human too, at least now I have a new rule book.


WWG1WGA

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Day three

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Edited by Casper Smith, Wednesday, 7 Oct 2020, 23:10

Geez Louise! Day three, 'scooby doo where are you?' Wow! 7 months of shielding with mi mother, i love her to bits but she dose mi sweed in, just as well COVID free kittens got mi back and iv got mi COVID free camper to escape too


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