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C J

Day 200 of OU studies

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I have a zoom with my brief on Monday so i spent last night reading the court paper's, i don't know why i did as it proved to be not the ideal bedtime reading, lesson learned and i shall not be doing that again. That aside today is a good day and could be so much worse so small mercies are getting gratitude today. It's nice to be able to have the patio doors open and feel the fresh air breeze through the house. 

I am a little conflicted as i have a kitten who lives with me, who technically is a cat, although i fail to recognize that she she has grown up, i called her Kitten from the start and the name stuck, the reason i am conflicted is because Kitten is a house cat and ever since i have been living with my mum, who has a garden, when the patio is open she sneaks out in to the garden, at first i tried my hardest to keep her in as i did not want to tease her with being allowed out, then not, so on and so fourth, i suppose i still have not decided properly whether she is allowed out or not and continue to, sometimes let her out and sometimes not letting her out.

When kitten wants to out, she looks at me, sat pretty staring me in the eyes with her dig dark eyes and i fold, or Kitten will sit on the back of the sofa i am sat on wagging her tale on the back of my head while staring at the door, i fold again. I today is the day where i have to make up my mind, so good luck with that as i do not want other cats having a go at her and i do not want her eating stuff she shouldn't be and then bringing it back up when she comes in, we have tiled floors everywhere so it;s not about the mess, it;s more about her having to go through that process as i believe that it can not be nice for her.



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C J

Day 199 of OU studies

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Edited by Casper Smith, Friday, 16 Apr 2021, 12:59

Today was the first day of my pain management solutions sessions, this is the second attempt as the first attempt was halted due to poor mental health management, the sessions consist of two weekly of appointments, one is a one to one and the second is a group session, were we learn to apply new psychological and physiological coping mechanisms so that we can learn to live with our pain conditions "whatever that may be" more comfortable and with out it impacting on our lives to the point where it can cause disorder, i guess it's exactly as it says on the tin "pain management solutions".

I missed my first appointment due to clashing doctors appointment and if i am honest, i associated the the upcoming sessions with the sessions i missed due to poor mental health management and i was refreshingly surprised. My first appointment today covered what i had missed and what i heard was really positive and gave me a sense of security, as there were a beacon of hope that i can learn to live with with my condition while reducing the painful and stressful process.

I had felt recently that my condition was becoming unbearable and negative thoughts were entering my head about ways that i could stop it once for all, the shocking thing that i found during that process is that the conclusions i were coming to was beginning to make sense and i was becoming more and more comfortable with those negative conclusions, very fortunately i was in contact with a friend from another group of support and i started to talk about how i was feeling.

I am learning that whatever my issue, there is always something i can do about it, somewhere i can go to deal with it and somebody to talk to about it, i invite all fellow sufferers to always have faith in this and never sit by yourself alone and suffer in silent, because if we reach out in the right direction there is support and guidance and a listen ear that can validate you and your suffering.

To all who suffer, i have faith in you, i'm thinking of you, i love you and i believe in you, there are lots of kind, caring, understanding and positive people out there to support us.

God bless the sufferers and God bless the supporters.



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C J

Day 197 of OU studies

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Edited by Casper Smith, Friday, 16 Apr 2021, 12:26

i can not take any more suffering

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C J

Day 195 or OU studies

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Yesterday was such a chilled out day until i heard about Amnesty International's study in to the "vaccine nationalism" and i switched, suddenly i was really annoyed and stressed, which lead to a very abrupt blog yesterday, some may have different way of describe it but that's OK, i make no apology's for the way i expressed myself as i feel annoyance and frustration are feelings and emotions that can not be buried or covered up and as part of my freedom of speech i have the freedom to think, feel and express myself, no one was hurt.

In a world where we have to grin and bare all, while the governments continues to beat us down with orders of how to live, how to feel and how to think, slowly taking away the ability of a society knowing how to communicate to one another and in the confusion a build up of repression from not being able to be true to their selves, their instinctual beliefs, instinctual thoughts feelings and emotions., their true likes or dislikes, as opposed to venting outwards, these ill feelings and at the governments that are setting the standards, the ill feelings are being vented inwards amongst society.

While in the confusion, religion, gender, race and color being broken in front of our eyes by the so called law makes and peace keepers, with the intention of turning society against society and it's working, they are clearly getting away with it, they are getting away with planting the perception in our minds that individuality is cool, every other tv show is a show is with judges, "the world is ending" "it's your fault" "only black lives matter" "only gay pride", what about "unity" what about every life matters? what about honor and dignity for all, after all pride is a deadly sin, what about "judge not less ye be judged", all the while planting another perception in our minds that robots are the way forward, AI implants are the new now, interact with machinery and gadgets, don' use your brain to think, use techknowledgey to think for you, don't do anything unless there is techknowlegey doing it for you.

I don't want a robot as a best friend like in Wuhan China (the worlds first smart city), i don't want to go to my own funeral as a robot, do you?



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C J

Day 194 of OU studies

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Edited by Casper Smith, Monday, 12 Apr 2021, 07:43

COVID-19 Global "fair shot" campaign launched to combat  vaccine nationalism.

In an earlier blog i mentioned that hundreds of thousands of poverty stricken people will not have access to the vaccine because of rich countries "like ours" are buying up all of it.

Amnesty International claim that in a study released on March the 11th 2021, billions of poverty stricken people in poverty stricken countries will not even have a look in at a vaccine jab this year and the majority of those billions will not have the jab at all.

So, while people in the western world are whinging about not having a jab for a maqndemic that does not even exist, spare a thought for people who really are struggling.

The dynamics of capitalism and its scavagine supporters really makes my piss itch, and from the bottom of my heart you are a disgusting breed. 

And if for any reason i have offended any one, i would like to say, grow a spine and "welcome to free speech" and most importantly "go suck a lemon"



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C J

Day 194 of OU studies

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Ben Hur, i only just mentioned it in my last blog, Sunday is complete now, my mums on the sofa, dinner is cooking and my mums favourite film, it really is the simple things for me folks, you won't find me chasing money, gadgets, things and popularity.



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C J

Day 194 of OU studies

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Edited by Casper Smith, Sunday, 11 Apr 2021, 15:49

Happy sunday folks, as much as i love all days, Sunday is without a doubt the day i love the most, i think i may get that from my mother. My mother grew up as a miner's daughter in a two up two down miner's house in the 40s and 50s. Her upbringing could not of contrasted from my father's any more if she tried, my mother attended Sunday school as a child, she has read the bible and has a fond belief of Jesus Christ, although she keeps it close to her heart. 

Her nature is warm and gentle and her spirit is kind and giving and with the trickle of her fond beliefs has impacted me in gentle way, her favourite films are Ben Hur and Spartacus, she celebrates Easter and Christmas in way that is from the heart and not lost materialism, its her little gestures of belief that let me know that it gives her comfort and stability and as much as i do not accept one religion as a sole belief system, i love to watch her favourite with her and watch her face as she reads my Easter card and i love to support her in her beliefs and share them with her, as Sunday is represented as the Sabbath and the day of rest.

I am sure that my love for Sundays relates to my mother and it is a way of me connecting with her and feeling the comfort from a safe and grounded place and it is my virtual friend Gillian that has provoked this train of thought in me and brought me closer to their beliefs, with the media constantly lying to us and making us believe that wars around the world are a cause of religion, as opposed to the truth and the orchestration of wars for the sake of a one world governance, the profiteers of arms suppliers, land owning and the minerals within that land, the true meaning and sense or religion can get lost and cause people to lose faith and the kind, warm, caring and giving people of those religions could be lost forever.

What problems i may think i have or whatever troubles i think may come, today i am fit and well, i am loved and i love, i have all i need, and god knows things can always be worse, so, just for today, everything is fine.

So thank you mum and thank you Gillian for your gentle trickle of traditional righteousness that is pure, kind, loving and giving.



WGG1WGA

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C J

day 193 of ou studies

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Edited by Casper Smith, Monday, 12 Apr 2021, 18:28

Around the world there are hundreds of thousands of poverty stricken people living in poverty stricken places that, from no fault of their own and for some bizarre reason are deemed less important from those in the western world and therefore a vaccine for the mandemic it not applicable for those people, somebody somewhere thinks that bubble wrap britain LTD/PLC/CORP, is more important than Brazil or Africa etc etc. 

I wonder what Savile Row, suit wearing, champagne drinking, cocaine snorting, child abusing, scum sucking barnicle from the western world made that decision, put a vaccine in me, i would rather put wasps up my bum, ban me, fine me imprison me, there is no way, no one in the world is injecting me with anything i don't want, i have my civil rights and civil liberties, things that the population of the western world are forget in their pursuit to be on ex-factor or university challenge. 

We do not need no more cle,ver people or stupid famous people, look at the ,mess the world is in with ones we have, PLEASE, STOP MAKING STUPID PEOPLE FAMOUS, why is power given to capitalist numb nuts like bill gates, elon musk, jeff bezos, mark (suffering suckertash) zuckenburgh, ray kurzwiel, larry page, steve jobs, tim cook, richard branson, james dyson (sir) fcuk off sir, jack dorsey, gareth camp, travis kalanak,byte dance, alphabet, without these scumbags, society has a chance of pulling its head out from up its own asre and functioning like normal, the western world walking around with hunched backs believing in a device over a human while the capitalist device makers barsgue in their narcissistic glory not giving one siht for the society they are selling too.



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C J

Day 193

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I Started the day with some mindfulness meditation and i am feeling the benefits, as opposed to yesterday's mock stacking and packing of all my property to see if it will fit in a metal shed that i am buying to store it all in, should the worst case scenario play out at my court hearing, as you can imagine it is a very stressful process to go through, i can not change it so i have to accept it and prepare myself for any outcome.

An attempt to collect my medication on thursday, turned into a friday spent on the phone to the doctors three times for two and a half hours, two separate queues at the doctors that lasted two and a half hours, three separate queues at two different chemists that lasted three hours, witnessing the chemist literally arguing with the prescription clerk over the phone, all the time waiting for a call back from the doctor that was requested first thing Friday morning, i really did feel sorry for all the staff throughout that process as it is totally clear to see that this orchestrated mandemic is really taking its toll on every aspect of the health service. governments, the worlds country leaders, (apart from Trump) the who, the  bill and malinda gates foundation, the rockerfellas, the john hopkins medical center, imperial college london and all other scum sucking barnicles that are related to the orchestration of the mess the world is in right now should be made to trade places with the poverty stricken people that live in poverty stricken places, so that we could get the chance to see how the world would be run by people who truly know what a struggle for the basics is all about as opposed to the nanny state, pampered, emotionally retarded, over privileged, psychopaths that stalk the planet with their narcissism and greed.

Nevertheless the weekend is upon us and i do love a weekend, fry ups for breakfast, feet up and do nothing.



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C J

Day 192 of OU studies

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I think i may of over done it with the prep for painting yesterday, my right back shoulder feels like i have been shot with a hot poker and my right side feels like it is vibrating, all warm and fuzzy, it feels like i have using a hammer drill all day and my fingers, hand and arm are still shaking as a result, time for some pain management exercises and see if that helps to ease the pain and sensations, i take medication for the pain although there is little i can do about the sensations.



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C J

Day 191 of OU studies

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Edited by Casper Smith, Friday, 9 Apr 2021, 10:14
I managed to get some prep done for painting, although it took me ages and my right side is in alot of pain, the sensations are going bezerk, pins and needles, i can't tell the difference between burning hot and freezing cold, numbness all over the back of my right hand, my two fore fingers, my thumb, the right side of my neck and the right side of my face. If i did it it any slower i would of fell asleep on the stairs by the skirting board.
This is so frikin frustrating, pain management solutions is teaching me how to live with the pain and sensations, also giving me exercises so that my muscles do not lay dormant and cease up due to lack of use, maybe i was to eager and thought after one session i would be able to do some painting at least, i mean painting is not that physical right?
It looks like i am going to have to take it even slower, at this rate i will have painted the hallway by June of next year, i feel i should be doing something, to look at me you would think that butter wouldn't melt, there is nothing visually wrong with me that would make stand out from the rest, which can be misleading at time because even i forget that there is actually something wrong with me at times, soldier on as things could always be worse, slowly, slowly catchy monkey, "frikin monkey"


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C J

Day 190 of OU studies

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I actually started the painting process today, painting is the easy part. My mum's house is a new build, so once the house has finally settled, it reveals gaps and cracks that were not originally there, so the filer and silicon has to be clawed out, sanded down, filled again and then painted, if i paint over crap, the crap will shine through, as i am a little OCD, that can't happen on my watch.

Gratitude for my friend Allyson who been a massive support to me over the last few weeks, i am not sure how i would of coped if i never reached out and asked for help, i am able to show my vulnerability with no fear of reprisal and no feelings of weakness or shame, this may sound pretty simple, although i am breaking through the stigma of "men don't cry" that was laid down by the so called men in my family.

So here's to moving forward and feeling better for it, today is a good day, right break time over, time to carry on with the painting prep.


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C J

Day 190 of OU studies

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A day spent painting turned in to day sleeping and putting masking tape down in preparation for painting, painting will commence tomorrow. i paint differently from others, rather than the finishing coat (gloss coat) last i do the finishing coat first as i find it easier to to cut emulsion in to gloss as i do cutting glossin to emulsion.It will do me good to do some chores as i have been struggling with urges to use, thankfully i have not succumb to the urges although the mental anguish has left me with a pounding headache, all in a victorious conqueror can sleep soundel knowing that the devil came knocking and he got knocked the f@ck out.

I have been told that if i want self esteem do esteemable things, i have a feeling i wake up feeling slightly good about myself, although i can not basb in the glory as it will not be long before the devil knocks again and tempts me with urges. I am looking forward to a bit of painting tomorrow as i find it therapeutic and there is the opportunity to complete something that is noticable and say, hey, i did that, these may sound like silly actions, when it comes to battling substance misuse its the little things that make the biggest difference. 

It's not about resurrection Einstein and asking him to come up with a new equation for over complicated and over dramatic issues that lead us to substance misuse, it really is the simple and little things that make it work, sleep right, eat right, exercise, balance of work, pleasure,  market research relapses, put yourself first, recognise and act on triggers, cut ties with toxic people, change your phone number, education, hobbies, seek substance misuse guidance and support and abide by what they say, get support with mental health and abide by what they say, learn how to accept a compliment, focus on the positives that you hold, abandon negative self talk, complete selfless activities, connect with friends, connect with family, connect with nature and connect with yourself, be patient while trust reformes, show gratitude and let go.



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C J

Day 188 of OU studies

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today has been a medicine day, a day where i do nothing, think nothing watch movies and eat Easter eggs, from the comfort of my bed with my Kitten on my lap, sometimes i have to remind myself that it is ok to breath out, relax and take time to let any and everything pass by, i did the required amount of fouse and left my mum a coffee, cams upstairs and switched off.

Dinner is cooking itself, the bed sheets have been washed and i will have a candle lit bath before taking my meds and have an early night. All ready for some painting tomorrow, i am grateful for the bank holiday Monday and it takes away the guilt of lounging all day.



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C J

Day 187 of OU studies

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Happy Easter people, i hope you all enjoy your day. I woke up feeling a little shaky this morning, i am not sure whether i am feeling sorry for myself or whether what i am feeling has some substance. It feels like i am getting no support from my family in regards to my up and coming court case involving my ex and her malicious false allegations against me, which if she is to be believed over me i am facing a 12 year prison sentence. I have never been in this position before and i am scared out of my witts and have been ever since i left her over two years ago and she first made these false allegations. 

An issue that i am having is that, at least 20 years ago i was forced to live, work and drive my brother around as he had no licence and would bully me with violence and verbal abuse, as a result of my fathers abuse before him and the violence i received from my ex, i now have a diagnosis of CPTSD (Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), although i have had the symptoms most of my life, i have only recently received a diagnosis.

In 2007 my brother murdered a man and tried to get away with it by saying he did not do it, evan though, to all in the town at the time and the police, it was clear that he done it, in a bid for freedom, he managed to convince my uncle to pay for a top legal team to represent him, at the cost of over £100,000, my brother was found guilty and a further £15,000 was spent on his appeal, which of course he lost.

In committing this murder my brother turned so many lives upside down, the family and friends of the victim and our family, as a result we all moved for fear of reprisals. The majority of my family have always stuck by my brother, to the point where they believe that the legal team that were hired were useless as opposed to my brother actually being in the wrong and guilty. Throughout the my brothers nearly 14 years in prison almost every member of my family have done everything they can to insure that my brother has everything he wants and never goes without anything. Because of my families belief that my brother was the victium

My brother continued his bullying towards me and would emotionally blackmail me to do anything he wanted me to do, my old age disabled mother would be made to travel 500 miles in one day to visit him over a period of years and has bankrolled my brothers stay in prison throughout his sentence, my uncle has evan given my brothers children £1000s for them to go on shopping sprees on behalf of my brother. My brother evan emotionally blackmailed me to ask a key witness in his murder trial to retract his statement, of which i received a 24 month prison sentence, the first and last time i have ever been to such a soul destroying place.

Along with this my mother evan went to court on my brothers behalf, whilst he was serving life for murder, to battle with social services for a large number of years as my brother had his children taken away from him as a result of his violent behaviour towards society, ahain all because of families belief that my brother was a victim.

I have been a live in 24/7 career for my mum for over a year now, i have totally given up my life to help and support her, i literally do anything and everything for her, to the point where, if say no, because sometimes i feel it would be good if she got up and moved, that she will sulk and be moody with me, my brothers input of support for me whilst i have been dealing with my issues alone, is to tell what to do and then scream, shout and tell me he is not interested if i do not agree with him, go along with him and ultimately do as he says, as a result of me being triggered for CPTSD as a result of his aggression towards me, i have terminated my relationship with him, i have asked my uncle if he can help me to which he said no and i get no support or feedback from anyone in my family if i try to talk about or address my concerns.

With all being said i feel so scared and alone it s unbelievable, i have spent several years homeless and i don't believe i felt more alone than this, as i said i live with my mother and continue to listen to my families interaction with my brother, still, enabling him to have what he wants and everything done for him, i really am struggling to deal with the dynamics of my family and how the system works. At least i have this blog to be able to say what and how i feel.



WWG1WGA

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C J

Day 186 of OU studies

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Edited by Casper Smith, Saturday, 3 Apr 2021, 14:34

building up to and preparing to continue painting my mothers house, n a burst of energy i tackled the front room, walls, ceiling and woodwork, as soon as the burst of energy came it left just the same, so Monday is the day i continues down the hallway, into the bathroom then in to the kitchen which will complete the down stairs.

My beautiful mum has issues installed by fathers violent behaviour, so her self belief, self worth and motivation lacks a little and the inability for her to recognise this can leave her feeling not as good as the possibilties, my mum also has mobility issues which make it that little bit harder for her to move around as much as what is needed for her to maintain a certain level of activeness.

As a result my mum can sit in one spot for a long time, she is a smoker, which dont help, although my mum is 73 and i can not teach her how to suck eggs, instead i sit and watch and support when she needs or asks for it. Over the years her house has become covered in a microfilm of nicotine, which is the main inspiration for wanting to paint, also it will lift her spirits to be able to sit in her home and see it fresh and looking clean.

My mums owns her house outright and her house is a new build, so keeping it looking similar to what it looked like when it was first built is not that hard of a job, as long as i stay on top of things and not let my mental health or substance misuse issues take over to the point where i neglect them, plus completing tasks like this can help me build my self esteem and keep me motivated, because of the chronic nerve condition i suffer from, means that it takes me ten times as long, as i have to do it in short spurts and almost OD on my prescribed medication, its amazing how i have learned to use my left arm ever since i was diagnosed with the nerve condition.

So Monday i will attempt to make a start, as long as my mental health is stable, i have took enough medication, i take my time, i mean really take my time, i stick to the exercises that i learn from Pain Management Solutions, and i use my left side as much as i can, i stand a chance of being able to to get something done.

What i hate the most is that i started working at the age of 14 with my Romany Gypsy father who removed rubbish, tarmacked/block paved roadways and drives, collected scrap metal/cleaned scrap metal, felled trees, reared horses, all of which were reputable companies that were able to undertake work to a high standard, we were very hard working with a natural instinct for problem solving, my father would do any job and did any job for cash money and being his sidekick from the age of 13 onwards, i would be able to work most men in to the ground, going from that to explaining what i have to do in order to do a poxy bit of painting can be soul destroying if i let, so the trick is not to let it.



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C J

Day 185 of OU studies

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Edited by Casper Smith, Friday, 2 Apr 2021, 15:39

The groups i attend for substance misuse have forever been feeling to "reach out" when you need help, and i have been "yeah i will, i promise" and i never have, up until a week ago a where i did reach out and the difference is amazing. I have had a chance to break the cycle of 'negative thought negative action'. I come from and old fashioned way of thinking that has proven to be hard to break 'men don't cry' 'put up and shut up' 'if something is wrong, deal with it dont go on about it, although now i think about, were the people the people around telling me that because they were old fashioned or were they just not interested? 

I am starting to think that they were not interested, maybe if they were interested they would be by my side now, either helping or telling me to man up, which reminds me, here is a link to a beautifully awesome poem about the phrase "man up". It gives me goosebumps every time, i wish i knew about this poem at the time that i was growing up and having so called men telling me their distorted view of manly mannerisms. 

Today is a good day and with the help of a friend who i reached out too, i have had a good week, it's like i have been injected with a different viewpoint, my problems are not solved and things could be a whole worse, it's been refreshing to spend my time passing the day with general chit chat as opposed psychoanalytically looking for comparisons between Freud and Jung in order to make sense of my existence.

I am starting to break the habit of consistently feeling like i need the viewpoint of an ologist, or maybe evan starting to accept that i don't have to keep trying to work out the reason for this, that and the other, i must admit my head has not been aching nowhere near as much, no i have shown myself that i can reach out and i can have a general chit chat about whatever, i am sure that i can keep the ball rolling, as the saying goes "the proof of the pudding is in the munching".

So i have learned something that is beneficial and will help get through the rough times ahead.

Below is the "man up poem", it is pretty cool.

https;//www.youtube.com/watch?v=QFoBaTkPgco



WWG1WGA

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Day 183 of OU studies

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Shamingley in 2013 i received a five year driving ban for diving whilst under the influence of alcohol. I paid a few hundred pound to attend a driving course to help me and to shorten my ban by 25%, which meant i would have been able to drive in in 2017. In 2016 i went in to a dual diagnosis rehab for seven months, whilst in rehab i broke the rules and formed a relationship with a woman, the relationship turned out to be violent with her as the aggressor, which i ended in 2018.
During the violent relationship i was unable to complete the driving course and became dependent on weed as a coping mechanism, also to fit in with my partner, as she had starting smoking weed whilst we were separated when i had her arrested for stabbing me.
Because i refused to give a roadside breath test this automatically meant that when i applied for my licence i would have to provide a urine sample that was free from any intoxicants for a period of no less than 6 months, as i was being coercive abused and always had my money taken from me i was unable to pursue my licence, plus i was dependent on weed so i knew i would never give a free urine sample, basically i gave up.
Once i had left her in February of 2018 i undertook lots of professional help with my mental health and with substance misuse, and once i was free from substance misuse i started the application process for my driving licence again, it was to be so difficult to prove i had not used for 6 months as i was not part of a structured abstinence program, which meant all i had was my word to my GP, mental health workers and substance misuse key workers, i had my application refused seven times as a result.
Finally i was able to get evidence from all agencies that meant my application could move on to the next phase, which was actually providing a clean urine specimen to a registered DVLA doctor, i had that appointment several months ago and, wait for it, today, i received my driving licence, YYYiiiiiippppppppppeeeeeee, so after 8 years, from a five year ban, i finally have my licence back, i had actually give up the ghost and was confined to the thought that i would never get it back, but here we are.
I would bet my bollox to a barn dance that i am a complete law abiding chap now who has totally learned his lesson, and i will no longer be a threat to innocent people going about their business.


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Day 182 0f OU studies

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Edited by Casper Smith, Friday, 2 Apr 2021, 15:40

Well i managed to get through the weekend, i reached out to a friend and she was kind to me over the weekend which helped me with urges and made it possible for me to maintain abstinence. Groups are going well, which is good and i have had my first phone call appointment with pain management, they also offer CBT which i will be involving myself with as it is a good source of information that can help me.

I have an appointment with my doctor in two weeks as i i would like a referral for EMDR  (Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing) which is a standard treatment for those who suffer for CPTSD (Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). I had the treatment when i was in a dual diagnosis rehab in 2016, among other therapies it proved to be successful and made a huge difference in my behaviour in response to dealing with past traumas.

There is a twelve month waiting list and it is expensive so i will not hold my breath, although i do have faith, i know times have changed and funding is low so i will be patient and see what happens.



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Day 180 of OU studies

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Edited by Casper Smith, Sunday, 28 Mar 2021, 22:49

Firstly, the battle we have all been waiting for is here, well i say all, i mean me, Max Verstappen out qualifies Sir Lewis Hamilton for pole position at the Bahrain Grand Prix for the first time. Finally the current 7 time world champion, breaker of multiple F1 records and the greatest F1 driver to have lived, has a fight on his hands, the likes of which have never been seen during Sir Lewis Hamilton's reign. This evenings racs is to be a race that has not been witnessed and dare i say the rest of the season will play out the same way.

I was born in to a racing family and follow all racing with a passion, apart from horse racing, the thought of watching a man pounding a horse with a whip makes me want to pound that n=man with a whip.

Last night was a remarkable night for me, as i picked up a book and started to read it, apart from study books, i have never read a book in my life, i have a different out look on knowledge to most which has fueled my desire to not read books all the more.

I care for self realisation and self development, i do not care for the different opinions of 7 billion different people, i care to know about and understand me, my mind and how to manage that mind, and i care to know about people who can help with that, once i have learned about those things and i am in control my desire for knowledge will be no more, i care not to fill my mind with useless facts or information or to be the man in the room who believes he knows the most.

Anyway, back to book i have started to read is, The Science Of Mind And Behaviour, by Richard D Gross. I was given the book by a friend about 20 years ago, maybe less, i am in the habbit of meeting people who give me books and say "you should try that", i have built my entire library on that principle and ironically, i have never read one. 

The book in mention was also given away to an ex's son who showed an an interest in psychology, i never got the book back, which was no bother to me. for some reason i was browsing a book shelf in a charity shop and i saw the same book, so i had to by it, that was at least two years ago. The thing that drew me to the book was the front cover, it was a face, formed from the shading of the shadows, to which i proceeded to draw on a wall in my old front room, i was suffering about of depression at the time, which normally leads to an artistic and creative side.

During this bout several years ago, i started to draw the cover of "Al pacino's Scarface" on my front room wall, i was sat on the back of my sofa  with my top off, whilst doing so the light created a shadow of me so started to trace the image, slightly below and to the right of the original picture, whilst near to finishing my sister came around and sent my nephew up with some money that i had borrowed from her, i opened the door and proceeded to draw, as my nephew handed me the money, he was stood just too the right of my tracing of me but he was next to the wall, so i proceeded to draw around him presenting his image on the wall to the far right right at ground level. At the time i was  an active addict who was self harming and an undiagnosed depressive. What i was was left with was a tracing of a man in a suit holding a gun, knelt in front of that image was another image of what appeared to be a naked young who was holding his arm out in order to protect the third image of a small child. 

What also appeared to me was that all three images were me, the naked me in the middle was protecting the innocent child me on the bottom from the aggressive adult me at the top, i know, pretty bizarre huh? A year or so later in the same bout of depression, i mosaiced the three legs of the Isle Of Mans Flag in to my front room floor, the symbol is "triskelion" which is latin for "three legs", the moto is "whichever way you throw it, it stands" which at the time was applicable to the immense amount shit i was having thrown at me, and yet i continued to try.

Little did i know at the time, that mosaic would later lead me to design and mosaic the first prize trophy for "The Environment Awards 2004" sponsored by the The Rotary International, i was introduced to David Bellamy and the Mayor or Hertfordshire in blood stained clothes from where i had been cutting myself, totally induced in crack/cocaine, trying to to fit in, i think back and i have no idea how i managed to pull it off.

On the basis of that i created a business that was sponsored by the Prince's Youth Business Trust, to prove that i was only to be this creative because of my depression, the business i created soon fell apart as everything was going so well for me for the first time in years, i was clean form using, i was not self harming and my depression was a distant memory. I tried to work on several commissions i had received from "house and garden magazine" i would sit there and stare into space, i literally had no idea what i was doing, i could not design, i could not mosaic, it was as if my memory had been wiped, genuinely one of the most bizarre moments of my life. 

One thing i know for sure, if never having the ability in being creative ever again meant that i would never suffer a moment of mental illness, i could quite happily live with out being creative


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Day 179 pf OU studies

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Today feels like a Sunday, which means my weeks messed up, everytime it feels like the day after its seems to continue through the week and mess with my head. OpenLearn is proving itself to be good at keeping my brain active and far more easier to deal with when i have emotional relapses, the pressure is off now with the degree, it's in a safe place and i know it will keep, which is a reassuring feeling. I have a lot more time and headspace for the issues right in front of me. Chores, chores and more chores today, which i don't mind, pottering about like an old fart suits me fine nowadays.

F1 starts this weekend, so popcorn and peanuts at the ready then i'm for a cool weekend.



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Day 178 of OU studies

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well folks, i have finally finished packing the entire contents of my home in to storage containers, it's not the best activity i have taken part in a;though it has given me feeling of responsibility and a sense dignity as i am facing my issues head on. i hope and pray with all my being that this is all vain and i get to unpack it all once i have been believed and understood, I have truth on my side, so all i need to do is have faith in the system and trust that truth will find away to prevail.



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Day 177 of OU studies

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Good morning people,feeling grateful at this moment, i had plenty of emotional triggers yesterday although i resisted the urge to use, i managed to get through a very emotional day, so i am waking up and feeling the positive benefits from that, as opposed to waking up with the confirmation of failure, it really is refreshing to know that i can keep control "if you seek self esteem, then do esteemable things" is a phrase that comes to mind.

My kitten is looking at me, she is sat upright, and very politely sending me a visual message that she would appreciate her breakfast as soon as i can get my but out of bed. I grew up with working animals and never having a pet, nor having animals in the house, at 39 i had my first pet, which is the cat i have now called kitten, she was a kitten when i got her so the name stuck. I acquired her on behalf of somebody else and i was worried that i would not connect with her, as i had the mindset that had been passed down, which was, animals serve a purpose and will be treated accordingly.

Well folks, i can openly admit that the fear of that was quickly dispelled and it did not take long until i fell in love with her and now she is the head of my house hold, she is well and truly a massive part of the family and rather than me trying to humanise her so that she fits in to my world, i have animalised myself so that i can fit in to her world. She has always been welcome to come and go as she pleases, although I have a kitten flap that she has never used once, the only time she has been out was when she was investigating the window sill, and she fell, i rushed to the window only to find her her sat on the ground, looking up and meowing at me.

She chose to wait for me to go and get her and  when i did she never went out again. The peace and tranquility that comes from being around animals is immense, i mean i have always felt it from having animals in the yard, although it is such a different feeling for me actually having an animal i the house, she is still looking at me, so i guess i could go and give her breakfast.

Have a good day people.



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Day 176 of OU studies

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A fresh start to life as the morning rolls around again. The last few days have moved from that of uncomfortableness to having to check if i still have a pulse. I have spent time alone, reflecting on life as it is right now. It's at times like this when i remind myself that things could always be worse, i love, and i am loved, i have food, warmth and shelter. I try to convince myself i am not a material man and yet i am storing my material items in a place where they are safe so if the worst does come to the worst i will be able to have them to help me rebuild. Surly if i were not a material man then i would not be holding on to these items and feeling loss at the first hint of being without them. 

I guess it is times like this when i realise that spirituality is way more than me saying "i believe in buddha" or "i do yoga" and "i meditate" or "i practise mindfulness", when the reality is, i am no more spiritual than i allow my mind to convince myself i am. The monks of Tibet or the Swami's of India openly choose to live without wealth or pocces material items, how easy was it for me to say "live without wealth or pocces material items", they are true masters of their minds and life, i am gathering my items like they are my body parts and storing them, in the hope that one day i can be reunited with them, how is that spiritual? That's as opposite to spiritual as i can get. 

It's a joke that i could even think that i am comparable to those guys, never mind actually comparing myself to them, i am an over privileged man from the western world who lives in a society that has given him all he has ever needed an so much more, i have used it and abused it and held my hand out for more, i have no idea what it's like to have to walk for dirty water, i have no idea what it's like for my government to want to kill me, i have no idea what it's like to wake up to the sound of bombs being dropped and bullets entering people, or what it's like to not be able to go to sleep because of those noises, and i certainly do not know what it's like to give up all material wealth for the sake of those people.

Those people who choose to live without wealth and sit in silence for their cause are the strongest people i have heard about, to be like them is just a fairy tale or a far stretched out version of my over excited imagination, i am not even sure i am worthy of talking about them.

It's at times like this when i realise how words like "genius"  "spiritual" and "passion" are massively over used and missdirected.



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Day 175 of OU studiers

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Edited by Casper Smith, Wednesday, 24 Mar 2021, 08:50

No rants, no opinions, no judgements, no points of view, no facts, no dramas. Just a regular day, not much done, not much to do, no shoulds, no could's, no if's, no and's or but's, no might's, no maybe's, no will's or no wont's. Just a headache.



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