In order to match my IQ with my EQ, in order to learn an academic and professional language to help me create balance and be the best i can be, give the best of me, so that the people i journey on with will get the best from me.
I have took on a journey of academic learning with the open university.
What i have noticed the most when entering the academic world, is that the people i am coming across have studied in a contrasting way, meaning they have worked so hard on their IQ and have took no notice of their EQ, It has become quite apparent to me that i have this disconnect with responses to my blog when it comes to matters of an emotional nature, now when it comes to natures of IQ, i seem to have a lot of people queuing up to correct me and tell me what i should be doing, how to be doing it, with a long list of references that have come from some one else's thinking.
I was not prepared for this coldness when entering the academic professional world, i was not prepared for the ego in the academic world and i was not prepared for the competitive nature of people that seem to be in a race to out no each other by complying stacks of others peoples information, bizarrely, with out learning their own first. This leads me to think that, no wonder the world is in the mess its in, when we have a class of highly intellectual people making the decisions on how a world must be run, when they have spent years at boarding schools, private schools, universities, have billions of pounds spent on an education, that teaches people how to think like other people and reference it, not one of those classes teaches about EQ and how to know your self and reference that.
I will use the OU for what its worth and i will never become these people, i am not perfect "warts and all" I love me, the way i think, the way i feel and the suffering i have endured, because had i not endured that suffering and if i never studied me, i would be clever and cold and god bless I'm not.
After reflecting on what i have just said for a moment, this video came to mind and i thought i would share it with you, it truly is beautiful.
Again the weekend is here, time to relax, digest last week, then let go of last week, empty the mind and take on the now. I am connecting with life in the now and disconnecting from from anything that can take me away from that.
I'm preparing for doing absolutely nothing over the weekend, apart from sitting in my dressing gown chatting with my mum and soaking up the small mercies of life, almost like Christmas, only swapping the the tree for the snow.
Below are half a dozen EQ tests, they differ and there are lots more out there. On a few of my last comments on peoples post and even my own i have made reference to an EQ, so i thought it would be nice to list some.
Winters here folks, dark early nights, dark late mornings, i love it if I'm honest, not the weather to be going out in. I do not fall in line with political correctness and i choose to opt out of the mainstream media offensive, which means i do not comply to what an electrical gadget tells me to, and as a result i do not live in fear, so, i live as i please with the senses i was born with and the freedom rights that came with that birth.
I respect my Mother and her decision to abide by the mainstream narrative, but thats as far my respect stretches, meaning i have no respect for the temporary governments or the corrupt cabala jesuit orders that govern such governments, Life is very good at the moment and I'm grateful as i know things can switch and could be so much worse, so i am grateful for the little i have.
I'm building up to TMA04, almost half way through my second year, my first year being an access course and i am pretty pleased with myself and the journey i am on, life still tries to kick my arse, so i let it, dont fight it then move on, to all those who are struggling god bless, to all those in pain god heal and to all who suffer, i suffer with you, we are humans, we can deal with anything and we are strong, so big up yourself.
Absolutely no studying at al, not even looked at book, i cant wait to take my meds, get my nut down, wake up and take my awakening's like possessed bull by its horns, I'm not getting any younger and brief spells of people and peoples unwanted actions makes me a wear of that, as much as i like to think that I'm a 15 year chavvy (Romany for boy) in my prime, who could take on the world and all on it. the reality of it is, that i could bow out and grow old gracefully.
Times have changed, its no longer about how i handle conflict but how i resolve it, and doing pretty good.
From a being big lump of a Gypsy chavvy who's first teaching in life was fight, I'd stand toe to toe with any mush (Romany for man) and the only fear I'd have is whether or not the first punch i landed took his life, and I'd walk away the victor and earn my place in the community as a man.
Now, after years of soul searching i am at peace with the meaning of a man and it could not mean any more different from i have learned, the honour and the dignity that comes with resolving conflict with words and walking away, is truly something i can not describe, and i swear as long as my Daddies dead, i will never let go of it and harness with all i got, no going back, no giving in and no more waking up with a world of regrets. Good night God bless, be lucky x
A long distant family member decided to turn up the day before yesterday, with a belief that she could put and end to a certain family issue, regarding my Mother and my sister, why she felt she knew enough to have her point on view validated or indeed had the power too is beyond me.
Once her five minute visit was over and she had upset my Mother and left, my brain started to digest what had happened, so, i sent a txt to this distant family member stating my Mothers illnesses and suggested that unless she was in a position to help or have a positive impact on my Mothers life, then her point of view is not welcome, finally telling her to keep her own council.
Now, as is the attitude of nature of my career criminal, aggressive, violent, murderous, no holds barred, bare knuckle fighting Gypsy family, i was met with a barrage of abusive txts offering me all kinds different violence in all kinds of various of ways.
Because I am 46 and retired from a career criminal, aggressive, violent, murderous, no holds barred, bare knuckle fighting Gypsy family, and have been for several years, I along with my Mother are somewhat shell shocked, from being forced to live with the affects of such a lifestyle i.e. Mental illnesses and psychosomatic illnesses.
Now with that in mind we choose to live the rest of our lives in a degree of law abiding, safety, softness, solace, with lots of peace and quite, so any form of shouting, aggression, abuse, threats of violence or any other ill gotten behaviour can and does have a negative impact.
My Mother spent the rest of the day being sick and retching until she finally falling asleep on the sofa, she missed her dinner i prepared and i am sat here with waiting for her to tell me she is hungry, it has taken twenty four hours at least, for my Mother to reduce her nervous state and start to feel comfortable again.
Now I, as i do, in front of my Mother, pretend everything is ok, so i end up sleeping the whole day and upon my awaking, getting stuck in to some hard core Buddha.
Because of the love i have for my Mother and my inability to protect her from my violent, aggressive and abusive father and his behaviour towards her when i was a child, i tend to over compensate in my adult life, and be a little over protective.
10 years ago i would have met this family member who upset my Mother and terrorised them and all they hold dear, nowadays, to a certain degree, with at least 30 years of self study and help from psychiatrists, psychologists, psychotherapist, neuro therapists and Buddha, i am able to see in to the behaviour of others and accept it with out feeling violated and victimised, which helps me understand and live a life in peace and quite.
I owe my life to those agencies i have just mentioned, the alternative was to end up like my murdered Father or my brother who is convicted of murder, it really was a matter of life or death, and i chose life.
'Alive and breathing', 'Housed', 'warmth', 'food', 'drink', 'clothed', 'giving love', 'receiving love' 'no disease' freedom to speak, think, feel and express. Blessed and loving life, it's the simple things that matter folks.
The Three universal Truths
1. Everything is impermanent and changing (Anicca)
2. Impermanence leads to suffering, making life imperfect (Dukkha)
3. The self is not personal and unchanging. (Anatta)
The Nobel Eightfold Path
- Right View: our actions have consequences, death is not the end, and our actions and beliefs have consequences after death. The Buddha followed and taught a successful path out of this world and the other world (heaven and underworld/hell). Later on, right view came to explicitly include karma and rebirth and the importance of the Four Nobel truths, when "insight" became central to Buddhist soteriology.
- Right Resolve or Intention: the giving up of home and adopting the life of a religious mendicant in order to follow the path; this concept aims at peaceful renunciation, into an environment of non-sensuality, non-ill-will (to loving kindness), away from cruelty (to compassion).Such an environment aids contemplation of impermanence, suffering, and non-self.
- Right Speech: no lying, no rude speech, no telling one person what another says about him to cause discord or harm their relationship.
- Right Conduct or Action: no killing or injuring, no taking what is not given, no sexual acts, no material desires.
- Right Livelihood: beg to feed, only possessing what is essential to sustain life;
- Right Effort: preventing the arising of unwholesome states, and generating unwholesome states the bojjhaga (seven factors of awakening). This includes indriya-samvara, "guarding the sense-doors", restraint of the sense faculties.
- Right Mindfulness (sati; Satipatthana; Sampajanna): "retention", being mindful of the dhammas ("teachings", "elements") that are beneficial to the Buddhist path. In the vippasana moment, sati is interpreted as "bare attention": never be absent minded, being conscious of what one is doing; this encourages the awareness of the impermanence of body, feeling and mind, as well as to experience the five aggregates (skandhas), the five hundreds, the four True Realities and seven factors of awakening.
- Right samadhi (Passaddhi; Ekaggata; sampasadana): practicing four stages of dehyanna ("meditation"), which includes samadhi proper in the second stage, and reinforces the development of the bojjhaga, culminating into upekkha (equanimity) and mindfulness. In the Theravada tradition and the Vipassana movement, this is interpreted as ekaggata, concentration or one-pointedness of the mind, and supplemented with Vipasanna-meditation, which aims at insight.
The Five Aggregates
- form or "matter"(Skt., Pāli रूप rūpa; Tib. gzugs): matter, body or "material form" of a being or any existence. Buddhist texts state rupa of any person, sentient being and object to be composed of four basic elements or forces: earth (solidity), water (cohesion), fire (heat) and wind (motion).
- sensation or "feeling" (Skt., Pāli वेदना vedanā; Tib. tshor-ba): sensory experience of an object. It is either pleasant, unpleasant or neutral.
- perception (Skt. संज्ञा saṃjñā, Pāli सञ्ञा saññā, Tib. 'du-shes): sensory and mental process that registers, recognizes and labels (for instance, the shape of a tree, color green, emotion of fear).
- mental formations (Skt. संस्कार saṃskāra, Pāli सङ्खार saṅkhāra, Tib. 'du-byed): "constructing activities","conditioned things", "volition", "karmic activities"; all types of mental imprints and conditioning triggered by an object Includes any process that makes a person initiate action or act.
- consciousness (Skt. विज्ञान vijñāna, Pāli विञ्ञाण viññāṇa, Tib. rnam-par-shes-pa): "discrimination" or "discernment". Awareness of an object and discrimination of its components and aspects, and is of six types, states Peter Harvey. The Buddhist literature discusses this skandha as,
- In the Nikayas/Agamas: cognizance, that which discerns.
- In the Abhidhamma: a series of rapidly changing interconnected discrete acts of cognizance.
- In some Mahayana sources: the base that supports all experience.
The Four Nobel Truths
- dukkah (suffering, incapable of satisfying, painful) is an innate characteristic of existence in the realm of samsara
Now this, bhikkhus, is the noble truth of suffering: birth is suffering, aging is suffering, illness is suffering, death is suffering; union with what is displeasing is suffering; separation from what is pleasing is suffering; not to get what one wants is suffering; in brief, the five aggregates subject to clinging are suffering.
- samudaya (origin, arising) of this dukkha, which arises or "comes together" with tanha ("craving, desire or attachment")
Now this, bhikkhus, is the noble truth of the origin of suffering: it is this craving [tanha, "thirst"] which leads to re-becoming, accompanied by delight and lust, seeking delight here and there; that is, craving for sensual pleasures, craving for becoming, craving for disbecoming
nirdha (cessation, ending) of this dukkha can be attained by the renouncement or letting go of this taṇhā;
Now this, bhikkhus, is the noble truth of the cessation of suffering: it is the remainderless fading away and cessation of that same craving, the giving up and relinquishing of it, freedom from it, non-reliance on it.
- magga (path, Nobel eightfold path) is the path leading to renouncement of tanha and cessation of dukkha.
Now this, bhikkhus, is the noble truth of the way leading to the cessation of suffering: it is this noble eightfold path; that is, right view, right intention, right speech, right action, right livelihood, right effort, right mindfulness, right concentration.[
Proof read, read out loud, made corrections and finally submitted TMA03, i shall sit quietly and greatly look forward to the feedback from my tutor, i defiantly feel that i have a greater understanding of what is being asked of me and how to carry what's been asked of me. I'm loving the process, learning, growing and a gaining a better understanding of myself really is an awesome process. I shall sleep well tonight knowing that i took part in something that will impact my life for the better, I seem to be able to cope much better not only when things are going well but when my head starts to turn in on itself, if I'm honest 'I'm buzzing, for once in my life i actually know what i am doing, blessed.
I have managed to complete part two of TMA03 a 1250 word essay that 'describes the argument that a consumer society leads to a throw away society'. Part one which is an essay plan has yet to be typed up from notes and part three which is self reflection are also yet to be completed, compared to part two, the hard work is done, i have until tomorrow to proof read then read allowed, make any corrections that need correcting and finally submit all in good time.
I genuinely felt that i was not going to make it due my mental heath disorders and if only for a while i was caught up in catastrophising and imagined that i would build a bonfire and put all on top of it. The fact that i have episodes while in the middle of my studies and brought myself out of it and back to reality is a first for me and something that i am extremely proud of, i am learning, i am improving and i am developing in a positive way, i genuinely do not care one bit whether my grade is covered in glitter or dog eared at the corners, i completed what i set out to do and that means so much more to me.
I am not here to be the next Stephen Hawking's and i am not here powder puff my ego with a wealth of in-depth knowledge of anything and everything. I merely want to re-write my life script, and in doing what i have just done has shown me that i am on the right path and capable.
Finally managed to pull my head out from up my Arsenal lost, which is cool because i hate football anyway, Days of my life disappeared and i have no logical explanation, my heads stuck firmly in to my studies and I'm flying and yet i have no logical reason. Its good to be back people.
I have an extension until the 18th for TMA03, although i look on my OU student home page and the cut off date for TMA03 for everyone has been moved to the 18th, now i dont feel so special, which is good. For the last 18 months that i have spent studying with the OU this is the first time i have had to ask for help, not that asking for help is a weakness, i say that, yet i struggle so ,maybe it is for me. i maybe five or six days behind, which is cool as i know i can catch up.
I am so happy to be back in the land of functional and operational, ooowweee mental health can really blow me away at times.
My mental health is on decline and i am doing exactly the opposite to what the professional people in my life have suggested i do, i am supposed to reach out, ask for help and tell somebody i am struggling and yet i can not seem to do it, yet here i am telling someone, maybe this is the first step, i am not sure.
I haven't looked at my study books for days, getting motivated is a real problem right now.
Because i have been shielded with my Mother since last February, she seems to be the only person i am helping, there is an imaginary wall between my Mother and myself which stops me from opening up to her 'yes i am ok Mum' are the phrases i keep throwing at her, how on earth am i supposed to burden her with my issues? My Mother heeds help and support for her self too,. that was the whole point of me moving in.
Something has to change and i have just decided that tomorrow morning i will reach out to the people who can help me and i will, i am going too, what's the worst that can happen right?
Although i was diagnosed around two years ago with CPTSD (complex post-traumatic stress disorder) and BPD (borderline personality disorder). i have had the symptoms for as long as i can remember, i have battled with related stigmas and tried until i am worn out to not be defined by my conditions.
It so hard to not become what you are when there is substantial scientific evidence that BDP is highly heritable, in a finding that suggests the brain abnormalities of this disorder are a consequence of genes involved in brain development, similar to what is known about schizophrenia, bipolar disorder and autism. .A meta-analysis of functional MRI findings in people with BDP revealed heightened activation during the processing of negative emotional stimuli in the left amygdala, left hippocampus, and posterior cingulate cortex as well as diminishes in prefrontal regions including the dorsal lateral prefrontal,
The acceptance of this disorder being something that i can not control has zapped me of energies that i never new i had, the revelation of this being something that is a part of me and that i should learn to live with is a newly found one. I have always tried to get rid of it at separate myself from it 'if i o this it will go away' ' if i do that it will go away'. No wonder i am knackered.
I have been trying to run away from something that is a part of me. How on earth can i run away from the amygdala, hippocampus, and prefrontal cortex, the parts of my brain that bring about BDP and CPTSD, i cant, i mean there is shame in having mental health disorders, is there? I am what i am.
I get the sense that things might get a little easier from now as i can give up the battle and live and let live, i mean i will not give up the maintenance of these disorders but i will give up trying to cure myself in a certain time frame that i impose on myself;
Life seems to taking over at the moment, as i have to live life on life's terms i am powerless, well i have the power to hold tight and hang on until things settle down.
I have asked for a few days extension on TMA03 as it would relieve some pressure, i may not need it, although its nice to know it's their if i do.
Sometimes i for forget that i have mental illnesses and guess what? Sometimes i remember. It's like someone comes and sits on my lap while i am driving and takes over all the controls, yet my sight is not interfered with and i can clearly see the car being steered in directions that i did not not indicate to or indeed it continues to drive while i have both feet firmly on the brake pedal and what's also nice is when i clearly believe its time to put my foot on the accelerator, i do not move as i can see the brake pedal is flat to the floor.
Fighting it seems senseless yet instinctual, the id strikes, the want to relax and have blurred vision of faith in the new driver, gives me the feeling of a continuous ice cold shower and takes me out of my mind. The ability to understand myself drives me nuts, the ability to analyse myself 'you would think' would bring about a place of restfulness and yet i am left thinking that surly ignorance is bliss.
Blasted Psychotherapists, encouraging me understand, so now what? what do i do with this understanding? I truly do not want to know, knowing brought me here and yet it seems that knowing can not help me leave, just locked in a life long battle of trying to unknow.
I do not care for desire, the id strikes again, yet its intrenched in my brain ready for battle. My curiosity stretches as far as my personal development, as the routine is such, its all i have ever done. my ego is such where i merely survive on my needs, yet, oh contraire, my super ego is over loaded with doubts, questions and criticism's of every thing any one has ever told me, taught me or suggested to me.
I store peoples stories like I'm a hoarder of thoughts, desperate, in the hope of hearing the words that will defuse the confused and leave them fused in a place where all makes sense. In my hast to live in reality my imagination only serves to contradict until i feel burdened by the genetic make up of me, it feels like my mind is at war with my mind, my imagination, ego, super ego and id are all questioning and analysing their selves as though there is not trust between them and i am front row of the show craving shut down, craving 'lights off' if only for a moment. Being at war is something, being at war with yourself is torturous, being in prison is one thing, being in prison in your mind is just as torturous, i guess its time to try sleep now.
I genuinely have spent the whole day in bed, my cold seems to have gone, i think i have bored it to death, My back ache, head ache and general 'every limb in my body ache' has gone, the runny nose, sore throat and coughing has gone too, i really do feel better and i have done nothing. I come from old fashioned people who 'mend and make do' who 'carry on regardless',
i.e. Firstly, there is the recognition of the bug, as admitting i have one is a weakness in itself.
Secondly, I am not use to catching a bug, being ill and resting as a way of getting rid of it, there has always been a battle to work the bug out 'sweat it out', 'dig deep boy' and 'this is no time to feeling sorry for yourself and moping around' are the phrases that spring to mind.
I know how silly it sounds but this really is a eureka moment for me and i seem to be having a lot of them lately, it seems like every time i challenge my old belief systems, it sparks the birth, or plants the seed for a new belief system.
My life does not have to be a battle any more, live, breath and be.
Wide awake and contemplating TMA03, if i am honest, i am finding it strange dealing with TMA's with out stressing or pressure, in fact i am finding it strange dealing with life in general without stress or pressure.
I never thought the day would come where i would be free from the dark, lonely, troubled chasm of my own mind. I have been lost in battle with myself for so long and became so intrenched in that battle that i lost sight of any progression, i lost sight of change, its not until situations arise and i take stock of my thoughts, feelings, emotions and behaviour in response to it that i realise i do things different.
I have carried a life script for decades which became a security blanket that i moulded in to a second skin, i soon stopped to question it, i took it for granted that i would never feel comfortable with out it and yet here i am commenting on how it feels to have stripped myself of that second skin, and feel the new sensations of a new script being developed.
I finally believe in myself, i finally trust myself, for the first time in my life i believe that i am worthy and that i deserve a shot at being a success, and i am capable of being something other than the negative haunts and echo's from my guardian abusers.
I really did believe them, i had settled for things in my head and i was living uncomfortably comfortable with the belief that 'i am useless' who the @+ck do i think i am'? 'What makes me so special'? 'I'm not a real man you long streak of paralysed pi@+', that last quote was my Father's favourite R I P, as he would call me that often.
As part of my recovery my psychotherapist would suggest that, in order to deal some of the blame, bitterness and anger that i was harbouring, more positively, as opposed to catastrophising which would lead to substance misuse, self harm, by way of cutting, crime and a general hatred for myself, that i should try empathy and understanding for my Father and his behaviour towards me. Well, i guess yo can imagine the horror of from feeling victimised to having to empathise with my abuser.
At first i thought my therapist was mad and in the initial response was more drug use and self harm 'it has to get worse before it get's better right', well yeah, thats exactly what happened, i had no grasp on the concept that was being given to me, days would pass, then weeks, then months, i started to grasp the concept and my drug use and self harm would decrease then increases so on and so forth.
The key thing for me is that i noticed a change which propelled the want to keep trying, again and again and again, then years pass, still trying, getting it wrong, feeling weak, giving in, homelessness, drug abuse, self harm, feeling strong, getting it right, up and down, down and up, battling, tired of battling, trying, tired of trying, belief no belief and finally decades pass, worn out, so tired, drained of all, drained of anything and everything, hanging on to hope, a white knuckle grip as though i was a baby again holding on to the hem of my Mothers cardigan until i lost grip.
Only to lay in the tiredness and pause, let the silence rest and think for moment, feel for a moment, feel the heart beat at a regular pace, feel my breath gentle, uninterrupted and soft and realise 'its over' 'i dont have to fight anymore' i dont have to do anything i dont want to, 'i can be me' 'I'm allowed to be me' ' I'm not scared any more' 'i love me and i love life'.
PS you may find it strange that i started this blog with 'wide awake' it took my left hand two and a half hours to type and correct that,
Bunged up, the cold weather has got the best of me, no more stepping out in to the frozen abyss for me, thank you very much, I'm shielded because i have been living with my Mother over the covid period, so that will be the excuse for me.
I'm getting a dab hand at typing with my left hand and i am getting quicker. believe me it's still slow but its quicker than what it has been. I have an ergonomic assessment on the 14th of this month, they will be assessing my home and study areas plus the difficulties with my right upper torso to see if there can be any amendments made, all in order to make studying with my verve condition more comfortable and less painful.
Who would of thought, i have been physically fit all my life, hardly never going to hospital or doctors for any thing, to be sat here at 46 saying i struggle to study, i struggle to do such a simple thing as write and take notes or type with my right hand with out feeling like i want to smash my hand with a hammer, to look at me you would think there is nothing wrong.
Right then, whinging over, i am blessed to have what i have and things could always be worse, big thanks to the OU and DSA for offering the understanding and the support they have, they have truly been awesome.
Back to TMA03, in amongst the last few days of sniffling, runny nose, coughing, back ache, head ache, not sleeping, and not eating, i have managed to open three files and name them, all the pieces to the puzzle are in front of me, i have six days to put them all together. I will not stress, just take each day as it comes, i mean its only an essay right, all the information is there and all the tolls have been giving to me, so slap some common sense on it and all shall ok.
At least it's the weekend and i have a couple of days to rest up, recoup and get all jet li on this cold with a few roundhouses to jaw, get back cold, you have been warned.
Wide awake and eating BBQ Pringles, if i was anymore laid back, you'd have to check my pulse to see if i am still alive.
One thing i am starting to notice is, regardless of where i live, what i do, where i go, what i think, what i feel, what i say, who i believe in, what i believe in, what i know, what i study, what sex i am, what age i am, what religion i am, how much money i have. what i eat, who i vote for or who i bow down too and whether i live or die.
The world will still turn, the seasons will still change, the sun will still rise and set. wars will still be fought and disease will still claim lives.
So in the grand scheme of things, with me, being one in 7.5 billion, on a world which is one of ten realms, out of a total of 107 billion who have ever lived, multiplied by 15 who haver ever died, on a planet that is 4.543 billions years old, in a universe that is 13.8 billion years old, which is one universe of 10^10^16, or maybe even 10^10^10^16.
So I ask you. How irrelevant am i? How insignificant am i? what do i mater? And what is the importance of me?
So on the basis of that ladies and gentlemen, that is where i find my clarity and solace, because the reality is, i am not important, i am not relevant, i am not significant and i do not mater.
I think that the basis of my new discovery urges me to opt out of main stream life and all the trappings that come with it, to opt out of being 'general public' and being generalised because someone done a study of a few hundred thousand people around the country or indeed the world, and come to the conclusion that we are a nation of, this, that or the other.
All ants know why they are here, all wasps, all bee's and so on and yet i am a part of a 7.5 billion army who can not agree why are here and yet with in that, the one thing they can all agree on is that the 7.5 billion army are the top of the food chain and that our existence is the most important of all living creatures. How bizarre. That my dear friends, is the one i opt out of the most.
I am almost half way through level one and i am quite surprised how things seem to be falling in to place. No drama's, no stress, and no distractions from submerging myself in to studying. I have all the support i need, the OU and DSA have been awesome and i could not wish for anything more, all i have to now, is my part.
From the start of last years YO32 access module, up until, DD102, present day i have learned so much, grown as a person and i am super exited about moving forward with the OU. For sure, one of the best decisions i have made in a long time, Good luck to all with your studies, i am sure you all will be awesome.
What an awesome Christmas, what an awesome start to the new year, i am massively looking forward to what ever 2021 has to offer. It has been nice to totally switch off over the holidays soak up the spirit of the season, in preparation for TMA03, and all future studies and life in general.
I am feeling the benefit of living in the moment, for sure and not allowing external forces, such as, all forms of media, that has the power to distract me from me being me. Giving up smart devices and technologies was the best decision i ever made, i am left with only two uses for my laptop, the OU and abstinence meetings and i am totally fine with that.
My head is the emptiest it has ever been, those two subjects i have mentioned are the only distractions i have from utter clarity, as i have never felt the need nor seen the sense in filling my head with anything other than what i need. What i have found out for myself, is that, in that need for knowledge, or the need for people to tell me 'read this book', 'read that book' only made things more confusing and it is only possible for me to stop thinking once i have emptied my head of anything other than natural instincts and senses, basically do the opposite. As i truly believe we 'as humans' only need those instincts and senses to survive, as the rest is just for show.
I do not believe knowledge is power, i see it more of a competition between people and within people i have said this before and i will say it again 'as clever as the cleverest person believes they are' 'can they feed, water and home all humans'? 'Can they put an end to disease'? 'Can they end war'? If the simplest of fundamentals can not be achieved by these clever people, then i ask myself 'what is the use of me being the cleverest person in the room'?
So with that in my mind, i refer you all back to my sentiments in the third paragraph.
I have never been the one to hand out pearls of wisdom, anecdotes, clichés or sayings that have been passed down through time, just for the sake of saying them. Until i have pulled them apart and questioned them, only then will i choose to say it, or question it, much as I am doing now. I have just heard somebody say 'Christmas is about giving not receiving'.
As I am not stupid, i get why people say it. Now, knowing myself and the way I analyse and deconstruct things that people say and giving it some thought ever since I heard them say it. I am sure that 1, you can not give with out some receiving and it is that, what makes me come to my solution. 2, I believe that the main reason we give is over looked and can be questioned.
Based on the feeling we get when some receives from our generosity, of course we feel that it is nice to be nice, although i am sure that what drives us to give is the feeling that we get, not from giving but the feeling we get from those who receiving. When we see the face of some one we have giving to or we know the impact of our giving's, to say like, charities, the homeless person on the street or the person who sells the Big Issue, their is a sense of fulfilment that we we get because we feel that we are doing the right thing, we are helping and we are generally being nice.
I am suggesting that it is that feeling that is the driving force of our giving, and to a certain extent there could be, what explained as a sense of selfishness, as the natural instinct on giving could be to please ourselves before we please the person we are giving too. Based on the way I think and how I feel after those thoughts I would be so bold as to go against that saying and suggest that giving is all about receiving. Just a thought.
All set and bursting at the seems to get stuck in to some hard core studying tomorrow. The Christmas break has been awesome and the perfect opportunity to switch off from studies, recharge, plan and organise the way forward for 2021, so that i can get the very best from my time with the OU. Its nice to be sharing a platform with some students that have a vast experience of OU studies and i look forward to learning from you and picking your brains.
Happy new year folks, out with the old and in with the new, all the best to you all x
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