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C J

Day 5,037,000,000,025 A T B B and day 266 of OU studies

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Happy Sunday folks, British Touring Car Championship, the Austrian Formula One Grand Prix and a roast dinner line up a perfect Sunday for me. Thank you OU bloggers for the support you have given to me over the months that i have been blogging, the world is a beautiful place that is full of beautiful people that can and do show compassion and understanding and i am very grateful to all who have taken the time to recognise, acknowledge and validate me in moments of despair, i wish you all the best in life and hope that you all achieve what it is that you set out to achieve, to all the people that i locked horns with, it was never personal rather the issues we all hold that get in the way of being able understand and be understood, along the way i have learned more about myself and i thank you all for the experience, at times when i thought i couldn't get through it your supportive words made a world of difference and i am very grateful to you all. 



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C J

Day 5,037,000,000,024 A T B B and day 265 of OU studies

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Well folks, my trial is over and i await my fate, Monday will decide whether i am believed or disbelieved and my freedom will be based on their decisions, regardless of the verdict i know in my heart that i did not do what i am accused of and it is that which builds my strength. There was so much i was not allowed to say about the treatment i received from my ex, there was so much i was not allowed to say about the nature of my ex, in fact there was hardly anything that i was allowed to say, although i am happy i had the opportunity to say what i did. 



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C J

Day 5,037,000,000,019 A T B B and day 260 of OU studies

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Today should have been the start of of my trial, only to find out my trial wasn't listed for today and i would receive an email to tell me if it was listed tomorrow, earlier today i received that email and now my trial starts tomorrow. My mum has been a bit teary so i have tried to tell her share my faith and hope and not get involved in thoughts, feelings or emotions that are related to opinions or judgements about what might happen, which is easier said than done, because all you mothers out there will understand that being told not to worry about your children is pretty much the same as being asked not to breath . I am fully prepared in every way and i am hoping that the system will restore my faith in truth, honesty and the difference between right and wrong. This trial has been three years in the making and once it is all over my celebration party will be the party of all parties, i plan to travel to the south of France for a week in the sun, attend this years Silverstone Grand Prix VIP, buy my mum her favourite car that she has always wanted, which in a blue 1972 Auto, soft top Mercedes sl 450 and most important of all, live my life to the fullest with as many selfless acts as i can fit, i have learned so much about myself and life's uncertainties over the last three years and the vow that i have made to look at life through a new lens that involve holding a hand out to help wherever i can and not hold my hand out to take whatever i can. There is no thing in the world that can match up to value of the human spirit and human nature, to say this experience has put things in to perspective is an understatement. Self pity, self loathing, self obsession, self gratification and any any other reference that covers the ego gorging and filling its fat face are a thing of the past, because no matter how tough things get, things can always be worse and the fact that i can bask in that concept i will always be lifted from the debilitating state victimization, i am not a victim nor will i allow myself to become one.



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C J

Day 5,037,000,000,018 A T B B and day 259 of OU studies

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Edited by Casper Smith, Sunday, 20 Jun 2021, 14:01
What a week? I am mentally and physically wiped out, i have prepared myself as much as i can for my trial tomorrow and now i get to put it behind me tune in to the F1 Grand Prix and chill out on this lazy Sunday. I have enrolled on DD102 which will start in October, i can apply to SFE in a couple of weeks when they open for business and i have applied for DSA as well, i have done all i can do on the studying side of things, i am so glad i deferred when i did and i am really excited about studying again, i cant imagine what mess my grades would be had i chose to carry on studying. I have filled my shed with my belongings with the help of the removal men, its good that the rain is coming down as it enables me to see if the shed is water tight and i am glad to say is. I'm really looking forward to the French Grand Prix, finally Red bull have pulled their socks up and they are in a position to challenge the dominance of Mercedes, as much as i love to see Sir Lewis Hamilton's brilliance re-write the F1 record books and become the most decorated F1 driver in F1 history, it is awesome to see a team take the challenge to him and ruffle his feathers, this year will be the first year in at least 10 years where there is a legitimate battle for supremacy.


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C J

Day 5,037,000,000,015 A T B B and day 256 of OU studies

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Edited by Casper Smith, Sunday, 20 Jun 2021, 02:36

With so much poetry floating around, i thought it rude not to join in, here goes, i came up with this in the wee hours and i titled it "bacon".



Violets are blue,

Bacon is red,

Bacon.

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C J

Day 5,037,000,000,013 A T B B and day 254 of OU studies

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Edited by Casper Smith, Tuesday, 15 Jun 2021, 23:41

Preparing for the worse and hoping for the best is the most difficult balancing act i have ever had to, i find myself on the internet finding out what i am allowed to take in to prison should the worse case play out, money which will go in to an account from which i can buy phone credit and sundries from a prison shop in the form of a sheet that gets slid under the door once a week, trainers, clothes, towels, toiletries, writing equipment, books, radio are the only things i can take in, i should be able to take in my Buddhist Dharma wheel which hangs on a fine chain around my neck "this is siht" i have never been through this process before and it's hell although with a smile as have to remain positive. I have been reading a book called "The Secret" i am sure you have all heard of it, it focuses on the law of attraction which has been my mantra for the last "however long".

This has been the hardest lesson i have ever had to learn and once court is over and i am believed I WILL be living my life through a whole new lenses, never again will i take for granted anything or anyone, those small mercies and gratitude will be shown to all and my purpose will be selfless without a second thought, no longer will i ever have my hand out unless it's to offer support. I try my best to live life this way although my dependency on substance issues have shown to all that i can be selfish and hurt the ones i love, i will continue my life as is in an enhanced notion that will serve the wider community rather than the needs and desires of myself.



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C J

Day 5,037,000,000,012 A T B B and day 253 of OU studies

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It seems to be getting harder and harder just to write a daily blog recently, today i had a zoom meeting with my solicitor and barrister, i guess it went ok although i was emotional at times and i had to be reminded that it is in my best interest to manage my emotions the best i can when my trial starts next Monday. I managed to get the contents of my home in to my mums garage ready to be put in a metal shed i built and i will be having the larger items picked up and delivered such as cooker, washing machine, fridge/freezer and king size bed plus mattress. It's amazing how much crap i have gathered yet i thought i needed until I am put in a predicament where i have to see what's worth hanging on to too and what isn't, i guess this is the time to literally clean out my closet. The time is coming for a fresh start and rid myself of pointless possessions that only serve to add to the unnecessary clutter, baggage and reminder of things that need to be laid to rest. I would be lying if i said i wasn't concerned about my trial next week although i have been applying a different mindset that seems to be taking away a certain amount of anxiety, stress and worry, all i can do is manage my reactions the best i can, have faith in the system and the fact that i am telling the truth. I have managed to enroll on DD102 starting in October, i have to wait a while before i can apply to SFE, my DSA forms are filled out ready for the postman so i guess i have done as much as i can do for now. My friends friend owns an alpaca farm with miniature donkeys and we are set to have a walk around on Wednesday which i am really looking forward to, i love being around animals, any animal, i don't care, i feel calmer and definitely more relaxed when in the company of animals, fingers crossed the weather is nice.



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C J

Day 5,037,000,000,009 A T B B and day 250 of OU studies

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Edited by Casper Smith, Saturday, 12 Jun 2021, 00:25

Today, as i left my mind up towards the sun while looking at my blog just to be reminded that the last time i wrote a message was five days ago. I feel like i have just taken part in a one hundred and twenty hour day, as thought each hour was brightly shaded pieces of plasticine that had been catapulted towards each other creating  a prism of brightly coloured rainbow patterns, that prove impossible to distinguished where one colour ends and the next colour begins. I am aware of the law of attraction and ever since this awareness it has brought around a prompt to change my internal dialect, my thought process and a more conscious awareness to how i say what i say, in tern i am left describing the loss of five days due to an emotional relapse, in the most prettiest, polite, colourful and pleasant way that i can. I no longer feel the need to reminisce on a single moment of unpleasantness, over and over and over again and keep it alive as though the one thousandth time i have relived the event becomes just as real as the first time. I had enrolled on DD102, as i deferred in February with assessment banking i will be able to pick up where i left of at TMA 04. I am so glad that i chose to do that as i would of wasted a year of study, time and money that's for sure, so, all forms filled in and awaiting a response, it feels good to have been able to have a break and declutter my mind.



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C J

Day 5,037,000,000,004 A T B B and day 245 of OU studies

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Wow, what a week? What an existence, riding the rollercoaster of life. At times i have felt like a stranger in my own mind and at other times i have felt like things have never made more sense, equating to the fact that i am still on the self discovery journey of balance. 

Impermanence takes place regardless and the acceptance of this has made the transitions more comfortable and bearable. The whirlwind of change has the ability to make me wonder what i should grab on to until i realise that my trait as a human to hold on to things should be dealt with a less investigative manor and indeed open my arms and let go, how can i really accept impermanence? If i feel the need to hold, hold on to thoughts, feelings and emotions that only serve to stop me from living in the reality of now.

Every day is a school day of which i can only learn the most if i let go of the teachings of yesterday, living on an everchanging, cataclysmic organicism of life which we know to be earth, leaves me pondering how can i remain the same and expect to live harmonious on a creation that embraces impermanence to the fullest extent, the oceans are not greater than i as i am the ocean, i am not a drip in the ocean moreover an ocean in one drip and the universe is not greater than i as i am the universe therefore i am not a spot in the universe moreover the universe in one spot. 

The realisation of a harmonious existence with all that submerges allows a freeness of flow a merging of matters that are bound to conjoin as one as long as i resist the urge to battle indifference, uniqueness and the false of reality of believing that i am like no other. I am like all others as i see, feel and embrace me in you, the desire to ride solo and stand out from the crowed only serves to reassure that i chase never ending cycle of disillusion firing a pursuit of personal separation from the beauty of beings for who we all share the same experience of life.

As you are embraced in me i am embraced in you, as your suffering is shared within me the balance assures equilibriums that rely on the nature of all beings falling in to place as it intends.



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C J

Day 5,037,000,000,003 A T B B and day 244 of OU studies

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I defiantly think i burned myself out yesterday when my epiphany grabbed hold of me, my mental health means that i struggle for a balanced mood stabilizer and i can often switch from morbidly suicidal to believing i can take over the world, both belief systems are as equally exhausting and can leave the next day a rest day. Now the dust has settled from my epiphany i am able to gather my thoughts in a much more rational and logical mindset as opposed to an emotional mindset. My epiphany was cantered around my carer and the situation i find myself in that impacts my career, the organisations that i have myself in connection with as a result of false allegations made against me could very well turn out to be the organisation that i could possibly begin to work along side. It is very early stages as i have only just shared my thoughts with the CEO, i have given enough information about myself and now i patiently await her response. It will be on an entirely volunteer basis which suites my MO perfectly, there are so many people in the world chasing their tail for financial gain or survival which reassures me that the world will not miss me if choose not to, there has and always will be so much more to me and my life than the pressure we put our selves under for the want of money, after all, "peoples love for money is the root of all evil", if their is such a thing as evil?

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C J

Day 5,037,000,000,001 A T B B and day 242 of OU studies

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Edited by Casper Smith, Saturday, 5 Jun 2021, 15:14

After a week of basking in resentment, bitterness, self pity and trying to cleverly disguise with nonsenses blogs, i have managed to stop isolating myself and misusing my medication and got connected with a lady called Margaret Gardener.

Margaret Gardener is the CEO of a self funded nationwide charity called FASO Fales Allegations Support Organisation, she champions a nationwide charity, from her front room, that helps men falsely accused of crimes.

I have been in contact with Margaret for some time and its took that time to drag myself out of my self and grasp the positives that come with every traumatic negative experience, i will be doing all i can to work to towards helping Margaret fight her cause and even the start of my own campaign that also champions the countless number of men who have had their lives and having their lives destroyed by false allegations. 

I will also be looking to work with Martin Seager, John Barry and Luke Sullivan who are psychologists who created an organisation called, The Male Psychological Network promoting the well being for men and boys, who are backed by the BPS the British Psychology Society,

My self loathing, self pity, resentment, bitterness and frustration will now be channelled in to giving what ever i can and doing what ever i can to help, support, raise awareness, spread the word and help get their voice, presence, felt and heard.

I will no longer sit in silence and be a victim, because there is fcuk all worse than hearing a victim complain about how tuff their life is while doing absolutely fcuk all to help their self, their situation and god forbid some other poor fcuker who is having it tuffer to, i am no longer that guy. I make no apologies for my language as i am bound by freedom of speech, if you are offended run home to mummy and get a band aid, or do what you like as i do not care.

All i know is i am now on a mission to fight a greater cause than my own personal pain, trauma or suffering that puts someone before myself and start making more selfless acts that send me to sleep feeling true to me.



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C J

Day 5,037,000,000,000 A T B B and Day 241 of OU studies

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Edited by Casper Smith, Friday, 4 Jun 2021, 00:58
Does a human work better when on his knees or bowing down?
Why does society offer us so many different ways for us to get on our knees or bow down?
Why do we argue with each other over who we bow down and get on our knees for?
Why do we get on our knees and bow down?
More importantly, Why is it even an issue?

And yet the society are screaming for equality.


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Me
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C J

Day 240 of OU studies

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It was stated in the instruction that it will take two persons 6 hours, it actually took me two months and 12 days, yes folks, i have finally finished the assembly of my metal shed, my right upper torso feels like it is being electrocuted while having ice cold water pored down over it alternating with boiling hot water, yay! The joys of being a...............i m not even sure what i am, all i know is, if i want to do anything physical i have to let some one else do it in future, i wont be putting myself through that again, from now on i will listen to my body and stop trying to be an action hero, i am rather pleased that the shed is finished, i think i might have a "I've finished the shed party" in the shed haha, and as for the painting, i have to gloss over the magnolia on the wood and magnolia over the gloss on the wall and that's the downstairs done and dusted, oh, and i have to wash some paint out of the carpet and clean some paint of a few light switches and door handles then i am done and dusted. There is a small sense of achievement seeping through the boiling hot, freezing cold and electrocuting sensations which is pleasing. I have spoken to the OU about continuing my studies should the worse case scenario be played out court, as always i am preparing for the worse and hoping for the best and i was happy to be told that i would be able to carry on, so i am grabbing small mercies wherever i can.



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C J

Day 237 of OU studies

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Edited by Casper Smith, Saturday, 29 May 2021, 16:01

Towards the beginning of 1976 i was 18 months old and my father had just been sentenced to three and a half years for sexually abusing my brother, who was not my fathers son. Four months after my fathers release from prison he had parental control of all this children including my brother, secretly the sexual abuse of my brother continued along with violence, verbal abuse, neglect and general ill treatment to my brother, myself, my mother and a little to my other brothers and sisters. 

At 14 years old my brother went to live with my nan in Skegness to flea my fathers behaviour, the rest of us stayed to endure further violence, neglect and abuse of all types excluding sexual abuse. Needless to say my brother vowed not to us as a family until my father either passed away or left.

In 2011 my father was murdered and as a result my brother started to interact with us all as a family, as keen as i was to get to know my big brother after all this time, i was not prepared for the effect of my fathers behaviour and how it would impact my brothers behaviour to his knew found family, It wasn't long before he split up with his girlfriend and moved in with my mum. 

I wrote him a CV, introduced him to the employment agency i was working and he secured a job and cracked on. He soon found himself a new girlfriend and decided to spend Friday night to Sunday night at her house and would stay at my mums from Monday night to Thursday night, all this seemed normal at first until i would visit my mu at the weekend as my mum (i know now) would play on disability to do things, she is capable of a lot more than what she lets on.

I came to see my mum one weekend and her tv was not working and i asked her  "did Danny (my brother) not try to fix it for you"? She said no, again i came to see my mum at another weekend and her car was not working, i said again "did Danny not try to fix it for you"?  Again she said no, one more time i came to see my mum and her house phone was not working, i asked the same question and she said no, at this point i started to think that my brother does not seem to be helping my mum as much as he could. 

One day my brother came to visit me while i was at work, i don't really remember how the conversation got on to this subject, but he said to me "every one else is using mum, i might as well use her to". It was at this point my attitude completely changed about my brother, i continued to be polite to him although i kept my distance. 

Soon after my uncle and my brother fell out and my uncle would say things about my brother that would fit in with what i was seeing and hearing from him, basically he was generally not interested in having all of us as a family and clearly had issues with my mum over what happened in his childhood. 

As i started to get to know my brother more, i would come to find out that he had a short temper, we were traveling somewhere, he was driving, he got lost and started to scream and shout at me because i was doing my best to help him with directions. On another occasion i relapsed and thought i could rely on him so i rang him, i was in a mess, he then went on to tell other members of my family and before i knew it i was being persecuted by other members of my family. 

It was at this point that i decided that i was no longer interested in having a relationship with him as i was unable to function properly, as my diagnosis for CPTSD would mean that his short temper would be a trigger for me and cause me to feel really uncomfortable around his unpredictable behaviour. I told my mum how i felt about him, what he said about using her and that i no longer wanted to relate to him while he was being that way.

I believe that i am allowed to not interact with who ever i choose regardless of a family connection, every now and then my mum would want to have a conversation about my brother and other family members i have chose not to interact with because of their unpredictable aggressiveness, i would say to my mum in a kind way "please can we not talk about it as it makes me feel uncomfortable, she would agree and then bring it up again at another point, again i would say, please can we change to subject. Again i would tell my mum tat i have to protect myself and i do not want to have anything to do with, almost begging her.

Now, my brother has some of his mail delivered to my mums and my mum has started to ask me if i can post his mail to him and i say "no mum, i don't really want to", i feel uncomfortable helping people that cause me grief, my mum, goes on to sulk and gets the hump with me although i stand firm, as i am allowed to say no to my family. Yesterday my mum asked me again to post another letter and again i said no, her face dropped and she went all moody, before i knew we were having a full blown argument, my mum went on to scream at me to "shut up" while putting her hands over her ears while i am trying to explain why i don't want to.

As a result my mum has hid her car keys so i can not use the car, she has not spoken to me for nearly two days and is starting to show a side of herself that really is making me feel uncomfortable, now i do absolutely everything for my mum and the way she is treating over this issue is really horrible, it seems her guilt allows certain people to treat her how they want while muggings here who does everything can not seem to do anything write. 

If any thing this only strengthens my case of wanting to separate myself from my family regardless of the out come of my court trial, i have told my mum this and she really is generally not interested in anything i have to say or do unless, it is something that i am doing for her, this is a horrible feeling, i feel used, invalidated, unrecognised with no acknowledgement what so ever, she even went on to say that i do nothing for her, i really am at a loss as of what to do.



WWG1WGA   

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C J

Day 236 of OU studies

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Edited by Casper Smith, Friday, 18 Jun 2021, 11:19

Some times in the war of being falsely accused i win the battle and some times i do not, the last couple of days of loosing the battle has impacted my mental health and stopped me from functioning as normal, i am currently on the phone to the OU to see if and how i can continues my studies if the worse case scenario was played out, it is a horrible process to go through although it is one i have to go through to ensure that i don't let this experience ruin anymore any more of my life that it has to. I really do have to fight to stay alive as the system is not set up for the people on the receiving end of a false accusation, the system is purely set up for the people making the allegation with no thought that the person maybe telling lies and indeed making a false allegation, in my case "innocent until proven guilty" or in fact "innocent until proven not guilty" does not apply and this false allegation and will stay with me for the rest of my life regardless of being found not guilty, it seems that either way i loose, clearly the law needs to be looked at and regardless of my outcome i will begin to join agencies that work with people who are victims of false allegations in order of lobbying with them to help them fight their cause of gaining more rights and a better system for those on the receiving end of a false allegation also tougher penalties for those those who make false allegations as a spokesman person who has been affected by false allegations and the impact it has on that persons life regardless of a guilty or a not guilty verdict.



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C J

Day 234 of OU studies

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Edited by Casper Smith, Tuesday, 25 May 2021, 13:21

I belong to no religion. I belong to love. And every heart is my temple.



Rumi.



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Day 234 of OU studies

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Edited by Casper Smith, Tuesday, 25 May 2021, 13:22

Yesterday i was clever, and so i wanted to change the world. Today i am wise, so i am changing myself.



Rumi



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Day 234 of OU studies

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Edited by Casper Smith, Tuesday, 25 May 2021, 13:20

May you all live as long as you want and never want as long as you live.



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Day 232 of OU studies

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What i assumed to be an exciting Grand Prix turned out to be the most boring Grand Prix I have watch for quite some time. I have spent the weekend charging my batteries and i hope to get stuck in to some hardcore painting tomorrow, it's good to have something to keep me busy indoors while the wet and wind continues to consume the outdoors, it's worked out quite well as i should be finishing painting in time for the change of weather and then i will be able to continue with the assembly of my shed, two abled persons would have taken eight hours to assemble the metal shed, i, n the other hand have had the shed over a month and i am two thirds of the way through, that should give you a brief idea of how my physical capabilities have declined ever since i entered in to an abusive relationship almost 5 years ago which left me with a chronic nerve condition that still has a massive impact on the way i live my life. 

On the upside i am arranging another charity sky dive, once my court case is over, to show gratitude for CGL (Change Grow Live) which is the substance misuse charity that has been supporting me over the last few years. CGL took over The Recovery Partnership of who i worked for before i went in to rehab in 2016 and then when on to met my abusive ex where my life dramatically turned for the worse within the two years i was with her, i managed a charity sky dive for The Recovery Partnership, again, to show gratitude and at the same time i managed to raise £1060 and i plan to do the same for CGL, plus, the sky dive will play a major role in my recovery both mentally and physically, of course this time i have my physical medical condition to adhere to, so i am guess i will have to pass some kind of medical. 

Once my court case is over will be attempting to change the way i medicate my mental health conditions and my physical conditions, i am to move towards a holistic approach to treat all three conditions and moving away from the over the counter prescribed medication of which i take five different types of medication involving 16 tablets per day, i have been doing this for the last three years and although i seem to be managing, there seems to be no end in sight, as i have been taking anti-psychotics, anti-depressants, pain stabilisers and nerve control medication i have the side effects from each medication to deal plus the withdrawal from each medication in turn, i can not just simply stop taking them.



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Day 231 of OU studies

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Edited by Casper Smith, Sunday, 23 May 2021, 11:56
As i have said a million times before i love the weekend, i love all days although the weekend is a time that i can genuinely do sweet f a and not feel bad about it. Qualifying for the Monaco Grand Prix is today and i am looking forward to the race tomorrow, it is the slowest, tightest track on the F1 calendar which inevitably ends up in a lot of close contact, wheel to wheel racing with crashes and safety cars, generally speaking who ever claims pole position will go on to win the race, the last time someone won the Monaco Grand Prix that never started the race on pole was in 1996 and that was David Coulthard, so that will give you an insight to how challenging the track can be. I will be doing no painting or shed assembly over the weekend and i do not care, i will rest until Monday and then give it my best shot.
Happy weekend folks.


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Day 230 of OU studies

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Edited by Casper Smith, Sunday, 23 May 2021, 11:42

The start of the weekend is always a nice time to unwind and reflect on the why's and wherefores of the previous week to see what can be done, added or subtracted in order to maintain a healthy balance in all areas, such as sobriety, mental health, physical health and my impact on people that i interact with. |All of my studies throughout my life have been cantered around self development and anything that helps me get to understand my thoughts feelings and behaviours and the cognitive process behind them all. 

My goal is to understand my thoughts, feelings, behaviours and emotions, ending with the ability to be able to control them as opposed to them controlling me, by taking ownership and responsibility for the above mentioned will keep blame away from my door, it will keep me away from the role of a victim and will help me to always internalise my progression and what gets in the way of progression as opposed to externalising it and giving the responsibility of my flaws away to external sources in the form of blame "he made me angry" "she made me sad" "he made me do that" and "i felt fine before i bumped in to so and so" and other related phrases that i often use when i lack the ability to challenge myself and make corrective alterations to my inabilities.

it is so easy to hide behind said phrases however, if i do i am cutting my nose off to spite my face, because as i give the responsibility and power away to outside forces for altering my thoughts, feelings, behaviours and emotions, i am therefor stripping myself of the power to alter myself ensuring that the only way i can alter my thoughts feeling, behaviours and emotions is to go back to the person who altered them in the first place and hope that they can realter them for me.

For the majority of my life i have fitted this pattern of behaviour and i have hidden behind blame therefore giving away the responsibility and the power to change my thoughts, feelings, emotions and behaviours to anyone and everyone who has ever abused, neglected or abandoned me, "they broke me, so its up to them to fix me", as you can imagined i stayed stagnant in my own self pity and learned nothing apart from the fact that acting in this manor is not helping me to be the master of me, this learning experience via the OU has reinforced my belief in my journey though life, i do not want to be nor am i going to be a master of the arts, science, math, literature, chemistry, biology or any other ology, i want to be and i will be a master of my thoughts, feelings, emotions and behaviours.



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Day 229 of OU studies

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I was unable to to carry one painting today or continue assembling the shed as i had to appear in court as part of a pre trial hearing, the barrister i had is involved in a case at the moment that has run over course due to covid which means that the delays will run in to the start of my trial meaning he will not be able to represent me, i spent a good part of today talking to the new barrister that will represent me and i feel reassured by her comments. I am no longer scared of my ex and i am no longer in fear of her and instead of the expectation of fear at court i was met with an emotion that was surprisingly contrary, i feel ready to do battle and show my ex for the manipulating, cohesive, lying and malicious person that she is very capable of being when the mood suites her. For the first time in a long time i feel confident with in myself and i have a belief system in myself that seems to put in to doubt any fear of her intentions, i have faith in the system so i shall run with the support i have and the positive energy that is with in me and focus on the positives that so many people around me are complimenting me on. I realise that i an the master of my thoughts and that i will become what i think which has given me a grater understanding of how to manage my thoughts and not be a victim to my own negative thinking.



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C J

Day 228 of OU studies

Visible to anyone in the world
Edited by Casper Smith, Thursday, 20 May 2021, 17:19
Today i managed to get some painting done, although i am winning no awards for my pace, slowly, slowly catchy monkey is a phrase that come to mind, my mental health is more manageable as i have given up trying to find logic with in my the structure of my family and i seem to have found a certain amount pf peace with in that process.
 Work on the assembly has halted as i can not seem to find a gap in the rain long enough  to put in some effort, the garden has turned in to a bit of a swamp and i don't want to turn it in to a mud bath by traipsing around in it. I have have done the bulk of it and it will only take a full day or two to complete it with my neighbour buddy who has be kind enough to offer a hand, i would struggle a lot if it were not for him so my gratitude goes out to him. 
I am in court tomorrow as part of a pre trial hearing which will include the judge making sure that both sides are ready and that there is no out standing issues that will prevent the flow of the trial, i am not sure how or why , however i am feeling confident with in myself, i have faith in the system and i am ready for a battle and to show the court just what she is capable of and the lengths that she will go to in order to attack me and cover up her own trail of lies manipulation, fabrication and down right malicious lies.
Bring it on. As positive as i may be feeling mentally i am and have been in a certain amount of pain on my right upper side, i take my medication as prescribed and can attempt mindfulness at every opportunity, along with some meditation and revisiting the study books from Pain Management Solutions, which is, in all, a good source of support that i have come to rely on, although it does not take the pain and sensations away completely it is of grate comfort and really is a lot better than nothing, and i am very grateful of the support system that i have.


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C J

Day 227 of OU studies

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Edited by Casper Smith, Wednesday, 19 May 2021, 12:54
It seems that a certain kind of normal is resuming within my mental health and i am able to focus on the positives that are in abundance yet so hard to see when the monkey on my back reigns supreme over the regular cognitive workings in my mind, the loneliness is fading and the understanding that i am not the only one who is affected by mental health is shining a beacon of recognition. I will be showing gratitude today along with making amends for my blinded self pity that only served to ostracise and alienate those who stand around me, that are resilient enough to stay around and care for me while i display my emotional relapses. I have people who care and yet it is so easy to group everybody together and put them in the "let's beat Cas group" when i am holding a rather large and groovy pity party, i will be focusing on those people today along with myself and making today a kind, gentle, caring and joyful day. I managed to get some painting done yesterday and grab a little self esteem and a sense of achievement, which i will carry forward tomorrow to ensure that the monkey on my back is well and truly smothered in positivity and unable to seep its poison in to my mind. I call it the monkey on my back as it helps me to identify and name what's going on in my mind in order to understand and grasp some sort of concept of what happens when an emotional relapse takes place, as opposed to having a nameless entity come in to my mind which disrupts regular cognitive functioning, which in the past would leave me constantly and desperately searching for answers, "what's happening?" "What is this feeling?" and many more to boot.


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C J

Day226 of OU studies

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No more analysing and probing in to the abyss of my own or other peoples schemas, i have some painting to do so while the world gets watered "well, my part of the world" i will stay in the dry and get something done. I feel like i have woken up from a front row seat dream of a play to my future life, i have lost three days griped in fear and uncertainty and i have no idea how i got there or indeed how i got out, all i know is that i seem to be at peace, well a certain amount of peace. Sobriety is a war with many different battles that seem to leave a new set of scares every time the battle ceases, if only i could change my belief system towards myself then i would not feel the need to join in the battle on the opponents side so that i can be sure i leave with the scare i feel i deserve. I wish i could give up abusing myself with substances and skip off home to the solid foundations that were installed in my welcoming to the world, then my friends I'm sure they would be able to weather any storm, instead i always find myself trying to lay that solid foundation with an instruction kit that is in a language unknown to any other, with a tool kit that keeps getting stolen every time i turn my back and when i do manage to work out a sentence in this unknown language and keep my firm grip on a tool that got left behind the heavens seem to open up and poor down all seasons in one moment and seep its destruction in to every inch of that foundation that is so frustratingly crumbling before it even had time to set. Tomorrow comes with a blessing as today leaves with gratitude, as much as my struggles, battles and wars may tire me, leave me down hearted and bare scares, i am not disabled to to take on another day, so come on tomorrow, give me what you have as i am the master of my thoughts and i choose believe that i am not my feelings, i am not not my thoughts, i am more than a perceptive belief system, i am not my scares, i have the ability to heal, i am aware, i am conscious and i am being, i am.



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