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Triple furze

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Whin I took my botany gorse I got a furze class degree.

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One liner

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Trousers of the world, turn out your pockets! You have nothing to lose but your change!

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Rich food

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I hate dining with Croesus.

You can't see food properly,

On gold plates.

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Awfulbet

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Edited by Richard Walker, Tuesday, 25 Apr 2017, 22:39

We all know "A for 'orses and Beef or mutton". Here are some more...

A for good one

B for dam

C for yourself

D for rent

E for heavy sigh

F for loving

G for 'orse

H for himself

I for the moon

...

That's all for tonight.

J for any further ideas?




Permalink 2 comments (latest comment by Richard Walker, Wednesday, 26 Apr 2017, 22:23)
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Never Work with Wombats

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There was a young fellow called Lance
Who tried to teach wombats to dance.
And his brother, named Jim
Tried to train them to swim.
A crazy idea with no chance.
Permalink 2 comments (latest comment by Richard Walker, Tuesday, 25 Apr 2017, 21:52)
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The Starry Messenger

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Edited by Richard Walker, Sunday, 23 Apr 2017, 21:52
The angel came at last
It was just like a tiny insect.
When I heard it buzz I cried
What an impertinence.

Don't I deserve better?
I was expecting a celestial being
With wings the colour and softness of clouds
Not those puny flexing things.

I was destined to be carried up
On wings stronger than the snow goose.
Mighty arms to swoop me up
Into the pigeon loft of song.

Reading my mind, the angel replied
Majesty is the creator's alone
Who has sent me as his agent
I can only do what is in my nature.

But rest assured
Creations smaller than me
Will have and hold you
Until you reach the stars once more.








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Limerick

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There was a young fellow called Lee

Who thought that his Gran was a flea.

When he said to her, "Jump!"

She just answered, "Harrump!"

A witty response, you'll agree.

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In the End

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If you're an old Viking,

Who can't afford a ship. 

Don't worry.

We'll all be washed out to sea in the end.

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From the AEF

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Edited by Richard Walker, Wednesday, 19 Apr 2017, 21:40

inherited, n.

A soft toy passed down by forebears.

counsellor, n.

A blood bank, esp. in Transylvania.

Permalink 1 comment (latest comment by Cathy Lewis, Thursday, 20 Apr 2017, 23:05)
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I went to the Doctor

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"Doctor", I said, "Tell me the worst." I waited.

"Vell" she began. Did I tell you she has a rather sexy German accent, a bit like Marlene Dietrich? Anyway, she does. Husky.

She went on, "It's never easy." It sounded bad but I tried to keep calm.

"You murst...", that's the way she talks, I'm not making it up.

"You murst cut down on sausages."


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I went to the Doctor

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I went to the doctor, I said "I keep dreaming I'm a world-famous cricketer." He said, "We'll have to run some tests."

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Cheese Joke

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What kind of cheese lands you in the guardhouse?

Permalink 4 comments (latest comment by Simon Reed, Thursday, 20 Apr 2017, 06:54)
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Advisin Emma

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"Emma", I said. "Do try to be less self-centered."

"Em, Em, Em. It's always about Me."

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Not made up

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Apparently in Oregon qualifying seniors can get a discount at Dunkin' Donuts. What I want to know is, do you have to show an Oregon donut card?
Permalink 4 comments (latest comment by Richard Walker, Tuesday, 18 Apr 2017, 23:32)
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I went to the Doctor

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Edited by Richard Walker, Monday, 17 Apr 2017, 17:45

I kept hearing this buzzing. I went to the Doctor, I said, "Is it tinnitus?" He said, "No, you've got hives."

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I went to the Doctor

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Edited by Richard Walker, Monday, 17 Apr 2017, 17:36

I went to the doctor, I said ”I keep thinking I'm the Moon." He said, "We all go through these phases."

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Phew!

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I was arrested for coffee theft. But the police didn't have sufficient grounds for a prosecution.

Permalink 1 comment (latest comment by Sharon Hartles, Monday, 17 Apr 2017, 17:31)
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Latest words in the Awful English Fictionary

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vagrant, n.

A confused complaint.

inversion, n.

A currently fashionable interpretation.

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New Band

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After a long break from music, I've founded a new band, The Cheese Shop Boys.

Look out for our debut single, You Were Always on My Rind.

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Clerihew

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Sir Francis Drake

Was eating some hake.

When he made up his minde

To sail round the world in the Golden Hinde.

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