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Stories you're liable (to read in the Bible)

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Jonah and the whale, now there's a very fishy tale! Back in school, and trying to follow, I found it very hard to swallow. What a whopper, d'ye know who wrote it? I'd love to find out, and down-vote it.

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One Liner

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Edited by Richard Walker, Thursday, 14 Dec 2017, 23:35

Chocolate laxatives. There's a crap idea.

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One Liner

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Just been filling in a satisfaction survey on waste disposal. I said it was rubbish.
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What do you call these men?

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Edited by Richard Walker, Wednesday, 13 Dec 2017, 22:56

A. The one with a lowland valley on his head?

B. The one with a highland gorge on his head?

C. The one with an alpine pass on his head?

Answers



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Winter Haiku

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Edited by Richard Walker, Tuesday, 12 Dec 2017, 21:10

Old man

You still like splashing through puddles

As best you can.

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WHAT DO YOU CALL A MAN...

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with melting snow on his head?

Thor!



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Social Mobility

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Edited by Richard Walker, Saturday, 9 Dec 2017, 20:58

It were tough back then. If a person lost the use of their legs, it was mostly hobble on crutches.

It were different fer yer posh folks.They thought they was better, what with their nobility snooters an all.

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It's Shoo You Know

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Edited by Richard Walker, Friday, 8 Dec 2017, 22:29

Q. Why do they call a rigged interview a "Shoo-in"?

A. Because the interview panel say, "That's you in!"

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The Water Otter

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When I was little we were all very fond of and fascinated by animals. “My Family and Other Animals” was a favourite book.

Imagine our anticipation then, when Dad announced one day that he was bringing home a water otter. But we all laughed when he showed us a new kettle. 

Remembering this recently, I wondered about the origins of the word “otter”. To my surprise it seems as though it comes from the same roots as “water”, and Greek hidor=water (think “hydrate” and “hydrogen”) and Latin unda=wave (think “undulate”). And Russian voda=water (think vodka=waterlet).

So that’s the water otter. An animal that lives in water.

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A Fable

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Edited by Richard Walker, Sunday, 3 Dec 2017, 21:46

Everyone has heard the story of the Hare and the Tortoise. A less famous fable concerns the race between the Tomato and the Cucumber.


According to the story, although the Tomato got off to a rolling start, it was immediately overtaken by the Cucumber. Travelling like a torpedo the Cucumber shot ahead, never looked back, and won the race easily.

Moral: Never let the Tomato ketchup



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Russian Cuisine Failure

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Tonight I planned to cook a Russian dish of beef with sour cream. But I was so tired, I just didn't feel stroganoff.

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One Liner

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Reindeer. Don't they just slay ya?

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What Do You Call...

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A man with a cotton-reel on his head?


Fred!

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Rat Bomb

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Edited by Richard Walker, Thursday, 30 Nov 2017, 23:04

I read today that a WW2 'exploding rat' is up for auction (The Times, 30/11/2017). With the stuffing taken out presumably.

It seems this was a cunning 1942 plan by British 'boffins' to undermine German armament production. Agents would smuggle explosive-stuffed rats into munitions factories and inconspicuously leave them by furnaces.

Sooner or later, the idea went, a worker would spot the dead Ratte and exclaim 'In den Ofen damit!'. Rat goes in oven, explodes, whole factory goes up. You get the idea.

But apparently early attempts were intercepted and the project was abandoned. The best-laid plans of rats and men...




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Wisdom

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There's no such thing as a free bee.

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Monsieur et Madame Jokes

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Edited by Richard Walker, Thursday, 30 Nov 2017, 00:41

In French there is a rather nice joke formula* that runs like this example

Monsieur et Madame Nastik ont un fils; comment s’appelle-t-il?

Jim.

Get the idea?

Donc, en Anglais.

Mr and Mrs Brown had a daughter. What was she called?

- Ash. 

Mr and Mrs Hammer had a son. What was he called?

- Jack.

SVP add your own in the comments.


* From https://www.frenchtoday.com/blog/easy-french-practice/french-jokes-puns-blagues-en-francais-audio-7

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Fado

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I'm a Fado fan.

Fado is very roughly a sort of Portugese equivalent of Flamenco. It shares some of the emotional depth, the song of tradegy and fate, but is very different in origin, and from a musical perspective.

A most famous fadista was Amelia Rodgrigues, whose passionate and heartbreaking voice can be heard here.


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From Our Sponsor

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Edited by Richard Walker, Tuesday, 28 Nov 2017, 23:55

Left it too late for the Elf Service to trim your Holly and Ivy?

You can still go Privet. Call our team on 0090 0000 now for a free estimate.

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Knock-knock Joke

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Knock-knock!

Who's there?

Hugh.

Hugh who?

Pesky owl!


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Knock-knock Joke

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Knock-knock!

Who's there?

Wooden chair.

Wooden chair who?

Wooden chair like to know?

Permalink 1 comment (latest comment by Donna McNeill, Monday, 27 Nov 2017, 01:16)
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