I tried growing an onion in my cellar. It was just a shallot in the dark.
I've been to a pepper plantation and I’ve been to a salt mine. I'm what you call a seasoned traveller.
Yesterday, President Dub of Rub announced plans to retaliate against the Solar System's adverse balance of light with Alpha Centauri.
The President said, “Allowing our Sun to simply shine on other star systems is something I was elected to put a firm stop to. I am therefore having a mirror built round the entire Solar System, to send back any photons who attempt to escape.”
No astronomers were available for comment last night.
Out on the town with some sardines. Well, we just got canned! Some chickens joined us, and we were all roasted! Finally we met som onionsome somws by then we wer pivkled
I'm a manual worker. I write manuals.
I went to the Doctor.
“Doctor, I keep thinking I’m a piece of very brightly coloured luggage.”
“You're an interesting case”.
Q. What happens if Captain Kirk trips over?
A. He falls flat on his phaser!
After so many failed ventures, I was really hoping my new plumbing business would succeed. Alas it was just a pipe dream.
These lovely autumn cyclamens
Planted so long ago now
Make me love the passing seasons.
Apparently cyclamens were once called sow-breads, a translation from medieval Latin panis porcinus = bread of pigs (compare panis angelicus).There was a belief that pigs eat the tubers of these plants. The OED gives this quotation from Lindley, 1830:
"...this is the principal food of the wild boars of Sicily."
Hmm. Miller, 1731 is probably a little closer:
"The Root is round like a Loaf, and the Sows eat it."
I think you can tell these stories to the Mafia. There is no scientific evidence that pigs eat cyclamen tubers.
But nosing around and digging deeper, I did root out some solid evidence that
(a) Some pigs dig cylamen tubers up
(b) Said tubers look like small round breads.
This excellent blog post goes into more detail and has a lovely photo of a pig *not* eating a tuber, although it gave it a good digging-up.
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Until now my role in WW2 has been top secret. But now I'm allowed to share. I was in charge of pedantics.
You may have heard of the Flying Doctor, but my new startup, 'Emergency Fortune Teller, lets clairvoyants fly to where they are urgently needed. Business is brisk, and profits are soaring.
When Lucy saw the talk was entitled "Mythical megafauna in Welsh legend", she just read dragon.
Q. What are bonkers?
A. People who run bonks!
Crossword grid: me
Last night I went to an excellent talk/performance by Will Kaufman, an academic authority on American protest singers, particularly Woody Guthrie, and at the same time a folk singer in his own right. There I learned the origin of the phrase “Pie in the sky”.
Nowadays it generally means a thing that would be rather nice, but isn't very likely to happen. But it comes from a biting satire, “The Preacher and the Slave” written in 1911 by the union organiser Joe Hill.
The tune is “In the Sweet By and By” and the words begin
“Long-haired preachers come out every night
Try to tell you what’s wrong and what’s right
But when asked about something to eat
They will answer in voices so sweet
You will eat, bye and bye
In that glorious land above the sky
Work and pray, live on hay
You’ll get pie in the sky when you die (that’s a lie)”
My new firm will be the Uber of Asian lentil dishes. I’m going to call it “Dial-a-Daal”.
“Did you get those jaws?”
“Thanks Squire, I’ll have a double G & T.”
When I told Dad I was a comedian, he looked at me in a pitying sort of way. I’ll ever forget his words. “You're a funny kind of bloke.”
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