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Continuing my response to a level 3 Certificate in 'Mental Health and
Mental Health Advocacy at Work' during which I tried to use the null
hypothesis to prove the positive hypothesis.
As mentioned before, there does not necessarily need to be a constant
stream of words between two or more people to have a positive
relationship. Two people who have worked together for years, or are
family members, would know each other well. They would likely know each
other’s families, their secrets, desires, and what they find
distasteful. From this there should exist a good deal of trust between
the two; trust that they will perform well at their tasks, and trust
that they will look out for each other to avoid accidents. When
categorised these are: absence of disproportionate blame; support;
working towards the same aims; reliability; and help to move forward.
These are very much a clinical perspective on life and postive
relationships and it is very, very easy to find a formulaic and clinical
approach to fomenting postive relationships, when health care staff
become involved. This is much like deciding what someone should be doing
to achieve success by them emulating the direct and focused application
to fulfilling the six criteria in ‘The Sims’ PC and games-console game;
those that the Sims need to achieve succcess and progress, in their
virtual lives.
- Entertainment
- Food
- Comfort Rest and Sleep
- Friendship / Social
- Job
- Hygiene
However, The creator of the virtual dolls-house, Will Wright, stated
that ‘The Sims’ was meant as a satire of U.S. consumer culture.
APPLYING EVALUATION CRITERIA THOUGHTFULLY - OECD 2021
- Relevance
- Coherence
- Effectiveness
- Efficiency
- Impact
- Sustainability
Trust
As in all of the aspects of positive relationships, trust is found in
varying degrees in family relationships, and relationships with friends
and colleagues.
Effective Communication
Clarity of expression is vitally important for effective communication to be most efficacious when there is a crisis at hand.
Patience
Where there lies some difficulty in conveying a communication, or in its
receipt, a significant suffusion of patience needs to be, not only
infiltrating the constituent members of a relationship, but also,
expressed in a non-patronising way – the best platform for this is for
the members of the relationship to be known for it.
Empathy
Empathy is markedly different to sympathy and not always possible. A man
can never empathise with a woman in child-birth, except by recalling a
significant blow to his genitals and how debilitating some types of
pain are, which is at best, wildly inaccurate. Where does a man place
the physical pain of child-birth in terms of placing it on a scale of
agony. No, a man can only sympathise in this kind of scenario, just as
someone who has never experienced psychosis in a conscious state can not
have much understanding of what hallucinations or aberrations of belief
are outside of laughing at their own weird dreams when they were
asleep, or the teenage dreams of marrying a prince, or of becoming a
YouTube influencer once they are happily married to someone else and
have a great job as a psychologist helping unfortunate people, or as a
builder of homes (bricklayer).
Genuine interest and/or affection
Genuine interest and/or affection is easier said than done for a
narcissist, sociopath, or psychopath; and many, many people do not know
they are themselves one of these types. We can also include empathy as
not being easy for these types of people.
Some people are naturally? inclined to have genuine interest and/or
affection. Even people who are inches or seconds away from demise and
death can be altruistic. A parent should be in this category of care,
yet quite often is not – infanticide is the glaring truth that starkly
contrasts with our supposed view of parenthood being caring and
affectionate at all times. The supposed natural inclination towards
genuine interest and/or affection may well be only as a result of
subliminal training at an early age by emulating others, although there
would need to be an innate predispostion to help and be useful. A
stressed mother with a new-born child may praise the baby’s elder
sibling for fetching the nappies when the new-born is being changed. The
elder child may be experiencing a little jealousy and a reduction of
directed affection towards themselves, so praise for helping may be a
soupçon of comfort to alleviate a feeling of alienation.
So, when we say, ‘naturally inclined to be genuinely interested or
affectionate’, do we instead mean they are nurtured to be predisposed?
Given that we all might, ceteris paribus (All things being equal), be
inclined to favour our own gene-pool in a harsh and dangerous
environment, the many tribulations of life strip away our altruism and benevolence and, I so suggest that outward demonstrations of kindness
remind and inspire us, when we are receptive, to be humane.
A person predisposed towards being kind to others may merely be someone
who is habitually kind through practice, or makes a special effort in
the name of their God, when their God has not actually been able to find
a way into the supplicant worshipper, and so this latter person has
made an avatar of themselves that fits their idea of what they should be
like if they are following their religion. In this latter person there
is a concept of kindness and an idea of what effect the kindness might
have on someone, and there is a knowledge of a procedure to administer
interest and affection,
yet without love, or their God, they are a clanging bell, gong or cymbal. (inspired by 1 Corinthians 13 v1 in the Bible).
Flexibility
Those people familiar with negotiation training will recognise what
BATNA is (Best Alternative To a Negotiated Agreement). When a
hostage-taker wants a helicopter to escape in, a sailing boat with no
engine is not likely to be an acceptable alternative despite there being
a sea or body of water adjacent to the incident, but a small plane may
be acceptable. Here is a fluid idea of how the added flexibility of being
able to travel in a third dimension becomes crucial to the escape plan.
Throughout this example we might consider the hostage-taker’s escape
plan to be an hypothetical, yet colourful, visage similar to the
invisible / intangible desire of a person seeking to regain some
independence from their mental descent.
For the escaping hostage-taker there is a body (hostage) that is not
their own yet must be cared for in some fashion. The demise of this
hostage body creates a whole different set of circumstances that renders
the escape plan useless – essentially the hostage-taker will be shot or
incarcerated for so long as to be rendered incapacitated and
ill-equipped to fully regain future independence. For an individual
during an episode of mental ill-health, the mental ill-health is a
hostage-taker in possession of their body and mind, although the
individual probably does not see it that way at the time, in the past,
or in the future, and neither may anyone else, for that matter.
However…mental ill-health does not gravitate away to a level of
torpidity such as water finding the path of least resistance down a
mountain. Yet these two share a common denominator in that mental
ill-health and water tend to go wherever they want. So, considering
these two mixed metaphors in parallel (hostage-takers and gravitating
water) we might glimpse how a channelled approach to negotiation with an
individual may interfere with their desire to realise an alternative
solution that has been set in desperation and will not accept further
fabrication to attain that goal.
Traveling in two dimensions with an escape vehicle will probably get
the hostage-taker caught, and pulling a plug and hoping that the mental
ill-health will just drain away is just plain helplessness overriding
common-sense (Let us ignore, for the moment, taking a holiday to relieve
stress as being useful), neither can we dam the water because we know
the reservoir will over-flow.
So, we have desperation that wants to take flight and a building
pressure of unstoppable force that cannot be contained, but can be channeled and evaporated away without any more undue outside influence,
as long as the escape plan is implemented and works well.
Finding a solution to people’s problems requires just the right amount
of intervention and apparatus, like supplying a helicopter or plane
(BATNA), and not a sailing boat, to get to a higher place where mental
ill-health can evaporate or dissipate without any more intervention from
outside persons. In this, we can clearly understand that desperate, and
seemingly immutable demands sometimes have to be met in order for the
safe destination to be reached. In case we have forgotten, the hostage
is released reasonably unharmed, yet with horrendous memories.
Appreciation
Merely verbally noting appreciation in the form of a remark that does
not include a recognition of the effort an individual has put into an
action is thin in its efficacy to encourage more similar actions, and as
outlined Dr Dweck’s research into growth mindset, this can engender a
‘fixed-mind’ mentality in the recipient of such praise, whereas the
intent behind any appreciative compliment may be less about thanks and
more about encouragement, which Dr Dweck postulates has a requirement
for a recognition of hard work to encourage a ‘growth-mindset’.
So, what may seem to be a positive comment in the mind of a appreciative
person may inadvertently curtail the growth of an individual’s mind-set
and self-worth. Ultimately, the recipient individual may never feel
comfortable learning new procedures and theories. ‘You are so clever’,
simply is not enough, whereas ‘Your mathematics skill and ability to
focus coupled with the dedication you put into your work clearly
contributes to an outstanding outcome’, while being wordy and stilted in
its delivery would be a better statement, so long as the recipient did
not think the speaker is weird for talking like that.
But, I am not about to spoon-feed anyone with off-the-shelf
complimentary remarks to use in an arsenal of off-handed statements;
that would surely ‘freeze’ someone’s mind, just as a frozen ‘Pan Am’
1
smile on a glamour model’s face works for the environment but is only a
trick of the trade; it lacks sentiment and inclusivity in an
uninteresting environment, such as a ‘Duchenne Smile’
2 that reaches the
eyes does. (Uninterested – having no interest. Disinterested –
interested but impartial)
1 From the smile given by the Pan American Airways stewardesses (cabin
crew)
2 The Duchenne smile is different from other smiles in several ways.
First, it uses both the zygomatic major and the orbicularis oculi,
while a false smile doesn’t involuntarily engage the zygomatic
major as much or at all but resides only on and around the lips. A
false smile can be described as a smile that “doesn’t reach the
eyes” as it does not engage the muscles around the eyes and only
pulls up on the outside corners of the mouth.
Accepting of growth and change
With ‘Appreciation’ (above) still floating iridescently on our oily
puddles of memory, we can be sure that someone who is considerate of
how appreciation is rendered and the resultant effect of it can be
regarded as someone who is accepting of growth and change in others. We
should, however, be careful that we do not believe that an individual’s
attitude and behaviour always warrants any compliments. It may be the
change and growth of a person that compliments and appreciation are
attributed to.
Realistically, acceptance of change and growth in others may impart a
little wistfulness, or even as the Portuguese say, ‘saudade’, in the
observer when the subject person moves away from the onlooker;
typically, this is when a mentor, tutor, or more specifically, a parent,
has to give way to the new shape that their charge is changing into in
new environments.
An acceptance of positive change is the goal here, and acceptance of
negative change is recovery in ‘The Seven Stages of Grief’ or ‘Good
mental health’ on the Mental Health Continuum. However, the
self-righteously blind person may feel that the person who has
negatively changed needs help and support because they do not measure up
to a standard that has been cemented into their own reasoning of
‘normal’. If one does not subscribe to the negative influences in
society when everyone else does, that tone will be considered, in an
hegemony to be an outlier and needs adjusting. You couldn’t make it up –
a zugzwang position in a science-fiction film, not unlike The Matrix,
or George Orwell’s ‘1984’.
Respect
Without respect, any
relationship between people can only be considered to be comparable
to a relationship between an individual and, land-based drones that
are not much better than AI manifestations of someone’s idea of how
people should be. An individual may find that their environment
sometimes resembles an interactive theatre production in which there
is an exploration into bystander apathy (or intervention). Sometimes
it takes an unusual activity to effectuate responses in people.
We tend to like small children because everything is new to them, and
inquisitiveness is really quite harmless; whereas, an older individual,
perhaps someone who has retired, tends to be less well respected after
brief encounters wherein none of the participants know each other. This
because an older person may interfere in a situation as though they have
a ‘Willie Wonka Golden Ticket’ invite, on the pretext that another
person who righteously corrects an individual on their behaviour is
themselves the perpetrator of creating an imbalance in the known
Universe, and therefore needs to be similarly corrected by the new
interloper (the older person that thinks they are participating in an
interactive theatre production – quiet while there is an irritating
scenario and vociferous when someone attempts to ameliorate the
situation). Of course, this obviously repairs the tear in the veil of
the universe instantaneously!
Here then, is a situation where respect for others tilts from beneficial
to the public (an active learner) towards self-centred respect for the
cantankerous self at the expense of others, as the interloper ages from a
curious child with respect for everything new, through to old age where
the known universe is populated only by less mature and experienced
people who need correcting if they ever become apparent in any
circumstance or environment. This example is, of course, a neon
scaffolding from which further ideas can be constructed.
So, we have before us; respect for the avid learner and a lack of
respect for the pontificating self-righteous interloper in a
conversation, situation, or environment. Surely then, the most respect
goes to an avid learner who actuates their knowledge and only gives
unsolicited advice when it is entirely necessary. A positive
relationship must have at least an understanding of the characteristics
and attributes of the participants and, of course, that other person who
curiously envisages themselves in an interactive theatre production.
If we are honest we cannot really fully respect someone who is not the
first to act in an emergency when they have the mental capacity and
experience to help alleviate problems – No? Perhaps then, it is only
myself that will see a ‘fixed mindset’ as being something that must be
quickly shoved aside by those with a ‘growth mindset’. This is
notwithstanding that people’s personal space, emotions, privacy and
feelings are sanctified, or more correctly, inviolable, by mutual
respect.
Respect is commonly thought to be something to be earned. Respect for
others means not diminishing them, or making fun of them. It means
considering other people’s feelings and opinions.
Reciprocation
We should be mindful of Neuro-Linguistic Programming and its approach
towards building rapport with another person by ‘pacing’ and ‘mirroring’
body movements to match the other person’s body language, when we
consider what reciprocation means. Indeed, when business networking
there is a debt incurred, as a reciprocal gesture, to invite business
people to your event when they have previously invited you to their
event. In this latter situation there may well be a lack of respect for
the individual and respect only for the position in the market or
industry that, that individual holds.
Other things that come to mind are ‘tit for tat’, and gratuitous banter,
of which the latter can quite easily become tedious and the content
become a false reality, as in a pseudo-personality or
pseudo-characteristic of a person, that perniciously sticks to the
individual throughout their work life in their work environment.
People need to understand that they should give and take, without
keeping score of who is in debt (for favours) to whom, and why. Keeping
score can however, bring about a realisation that an individual is being
abused when everyone takes from them and does not return any favour.
That is the time to move on and forgive; otherwise - While everyone is
out dancing, the aggrieved is at home scheming.
Ability to resolve conflicts
Conflict resolution is a whole field of social interaction study on its
own, and individuals may be compelled to engage in programs to
facilitate a smooth existence ‘in the wild’. Talking things through in a
respectful and calm way is the recommended approach to resolving
conflicts. However, relationships will not necessarily break down if
conflicts are not resolved so long as the people in the conflict can put
aside their differences and move on with respect – not conflict
resolution, instead by ignoring conflict.
Room for individuality
In a modern world of homogenisation and hegemonies, allowing for
alternative ideas and styles is not so naturally embraced as in previous
decades. The dissemination of individuals via social interaction sites
is what excites many people on those sites. If stripping a person’s
individuality with surgical precision is a norm and pleasure is derived
from it, then what hope can we have that the Global North will not
continue to form world-encompassing, conflicting groups that are
intangible to its critics and its victims of abuse.
Once upon a time, there was a fair and happy population that lived in
harmony with one another. Then, mis-comprehension was born which gave
birth to jealousy and later, low self-esteem. Then all the people died
inside and became empty shells of existence who worshipped media giants.
And the media giants lived happily ever after.
The story above is not too dissimilar to a tale that Desmond Tutu, the
Archbishop of Johannesburg from 1985 to 1986 and then Archbishop of Cape
Town from 1986 to 1996, came up with: ‘When the white man came, he had
The Word and we had the land. The white man said, “Let us pray!” When we
opened our eyes, we had The Word, and he had the land.’
Taken together and inter-meshed we can understand how many people will
not allow any articulation of an alternative lifestyle if they use the
argument for social interaction freeing them from stale relationships
and loneliness and Christian religion freeing them from sin and
providing a guidebook for healthy social interaction. Yet, many people
are not ready or equipped to handle such magnitudes of
knowledge-gathering or the receipt of it. Social media, social
interaction sites, and religion can be immensely divisive in driving out
individuality as being vitally important for social progress.
Understanding Boundaries
It is strange that young children in their innocence are applauded for
their curious nature, yet an adult must recognise boundaries. While
correlation is not necessarily causation, there is a correlation between
having the ability to lie and the ability to deliberately inflict harm
on others. Telling a stranger your closest secret will probably not
negatively affect you or your friends, family and acquaintances.
However, telling someone in your social group the smallest secret will
probably result in an impact to your social influence and
presentability. So, because most people are fragile and have secrets, we
have to respect their boundaries on what they will share or how close
we can get to them, otherwise they will feel scared and vulnerable.
Openness and honesty
In contrast to respecting and understanding boundaries, openness and
honesty is considered to be a virtue. However, if we are all honest and
open about our high wages and lavish lifestyle we would make many people
feel uncomfortable. It seems, therefore, that it is not a good idea to
be open and honest without beforehand respecting someone’s boundaries
for receiving information. And, now that information is largely gained
on-demand, unsolicited messages and communication is perceived as coming
from a dragon of discontinuity – people actually pay to not have
adverts on YouTube.