Well folks, i am officially deferred and under the process of student banking, gutted is the only word i can think of. I remember starting this course towards the end of 2019 and the feeling was awesome, i genuinely believed i could take over the world, 

unfortunately i did not account for certain family members and their potential to knock me off my perch, and he certainly did take the wind out of my sails. As a result of my brothers role in my diagnosis for CPTSD, i found myself in a bizarre position of living in caring for my Mother, whilst interacting with my brother each time he would call, and having to facilitate video visit's, as my brother is in prison for murder. 

Normally, i live alone and i am in control of who knocks at my door and who rings my phone, unfortunately i do not have the same control at my mums house. As a result i would find myself confiding in my brother, in the hope i would would get some support and understanding, instead i get my brother's orders of how to live my life mixed in with his anger, rage and frustration, if i did not act on his orders. 

Needless to say that my brothers attempt to switch from aggressor to counselor had an adverse affect on me, and would leave me complexed as to how i found myself in this situation again. 

Because i had little self respect i would put up with these actions in the hope that one day my brother will treat me how i wished and we could get along and live happily ever after, well folks, because i was living in emotional mind i was unable to see the rationality and logic to the situation and i would allow the disappointment to create disorder in my own life. 

Ever Since i have managed to radically accept the concept that my brother is never going to treat me as i would like and that i should take the relationship for what it is, i have been able to terminate the relationship with him, the only sad thing is, that all this happened while i was in the middle of my OU studies. 

I am a very simple person at heart, i desire the basics and simplicity of the fundamentals in life, these really are all i strive for, i care not for being the smartest, richest, biggest or bestests (i know bestests is nit a word), and when left to my devices, i simply live in peace and relative silence, i volunteer my time to those who have substance misuse issues, i care for my mum and kitten and thats me, happy go lucky.

I can not multitask, my mental health can not manage different fingers in different pies, i really am a 'one thing at a time' person. I feel it is only right to press pause on my studies while i deal with my emotional family life, i have until October to install the positive feelings i had at the beginning of my studies and put to rest 'once and for all' the negative interaction that i have with my brother, which if i am honest is becoming easier as time goes by.

My mental health comes first, my physical health comes first and for the first time in my life, i believe i come first.

I am still going to write this blog as this process has been awesome and really helped me express and get rid of thoughts, feelings and emotions as they come, as opposed to bottling things up, knowing that i have pressed paused on my studies has given me an instant feeling of release and i genuinely feel lighter.

WWG1WGA