Well folks, i am officially deferred and under the process of student banking, gutted is the only word i can think of. I remember starting this course towards the end of 2019 and the feeling was awesome, i genuinely believed i could take over the world,
unfortunately i did not account for certain family members and their potential to knock me off my perch, and he certainly did take the wind out of my sails. As a result of my brothers role in my diagnosis for CPTSD, i found myself in a bizarre position of living in caring for my Mother, whilst interacting with my brother each time he would call, and having to facilitate video visit's, as my brother is in prison for murder.
Normally, i live alone and i am in control of who knocks at my door and who rings my phone, unfortunately i do not have the same control at my mums house. As a result i would find myself confiding in my brother, in the hope i would would get some support and understanding, instead i get my brother's orders of how to live my life mixed in with his anger, rage and frustration, if i did not act on his orders.
Needless to say that my brothers attempt to switch from aggressor to counselor had an adverse affect on me, and would leave me complexed as to how i found myself in this situation again.
Because i had little self respect i would put up with these actions in the hope that one day my brother will treat me how i wished and we could get along and live happily ever after, well folks, because i was living in emotional mind i was unable to see the rationality and logic to the situation and i would allow the disappointment to create disorder in my own life.
Ever Since i have managed to radically accept the concept that my brother is never going to treat me as i would like and that i should take the relationship for what it is, i have been able to terminate the relationship with him, the only sad thing is, that all this happened while i was in the middle of my OU studies.
I am a very simple person at heart, i desire the basics and simplicity of the fundamentals in life, these really are all i strive for, i care not for being the smartest, richest, biggest or bestests (i know bestests is nit a word), and when left to my devices, i simply live in peace and relative silence, i volunteer my time to those who have substance misuse issues, i care for my mum and kitten and thats me, happy go lucky.
I can not multitask, my mental health can not manage different fingers in different pies, i really am a 'one thing at a time' person. I feel it is only right to press pause on my studies while i deal with my emotional family life, i have until October to install the positive feelings i had at the beginning of my studies and put to rest 'once and for all' the negative interaction that i have with my brother, which if i am honest is becoming easier as time goes by.
My mental health comes first, my physical health comes first and for the first time in my life, i believe i come first.
I am still going to write this blog as this process has been awesome and really helped me express and get rid of thoughts, feelings and emotions as they come, as opposed to bottling things up, knowing that i have pressed paused on my studies has given me an instant feeling of release and i genuinely feel lighter.
WWG1WGA
Comments
New comment
Hi Casper
Sometimes its a good thing to take a step back and think of yourself for once.
After finishing my degree last year I decided to take a year off and have a breather. However, after a few months I got the study bug again so went for a few Open Learn Courses. Not sure if you have taken a look or thought of them but they are really good and no pressure with them, no TMA's excetera. Just plod away at them. I am not suggesting at this moment but may be in the future if the study bug gets to you before you can begin your degree again.
Enjoy having less stress in your life.
Judith
New comment
Hey Judith, i hoe you are well. Thank you for your response and your well wishes. I have completed dozens of courses on Open Learn, and will, as you suggest, carry on with some more, it's a lot less pressure and can be done whenever, plus they can satisfy the study bug.
New comment
Hi Caspar
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings. I am happy with my studies, but on a different level felt inspired by your writing. This week, I held less back when I thought about posting something on the many forum threads available to me. I was disappointed when replies were rare in the past, but for now I will just keep posting to speak my mind about new insights from the study material or any difficulties that typically come along with online learning. There is nothing wrong with expressing myself and I enjoy writing. Sometimes I worry about making a fool of myself, at other times I could not worry less.
When blogs were new I told a friend, my time has come to be out there, telling people what I think. Reply: Nobody wants to know what you have to say.
I told a fellow student at school how interested I was in learning about physiology: What do you want to do with that? Who cares what you are interested in?
You see, I can totally relate to what you wrote about being made down. It is a shame for humanity that people treat each other like that. What is their advantage in being so?
Nowadays, I meditate and practice yoga, which helps me to clear my mind and be more centred.
I thought I could find my purpose in being a stay at home mum, but now that my kids are getting independent, I need something else to give my life a new perspective, professionally and financially, which keeps me going. Apart from that I feel really tuned into the way the OU organises the study material. Studying turned into a self-affirming process for me. Initially, the scores were driving me on, but they are getting less important to me recently, which I take as a good sign of self-motivation taking over.
Best wishes
Iris
New comment
Thank you for your reading my post Iris and taking time to respond, it's much appreciated. There are two reasons why i write a blog, 1, I have always been a speaker that could talk the hind legs off a donkey and this is the first time of my 46 year existence that i have ever kept a journal, diary or express myself in writing form. And i am glad i did, as for me, this way of self expression works and i am able to release pressure in doing so, which prepells the want to do it more. 2, I know that i am not the only one who suffers, Buddhism reminds of that daily in The Four Noble Truths, i am not trying to sell you any belief system, just trying to help you understand why i believe that suffering exist and how much it can be overlooked when joining a professional or academic environment.
So whether people choose to reply or not doesn't matter, if people read it, then maybe it would encourage people to speak out and try to overcome the issue that holds them back, because my reasons for writing my blog is the most important thing, not what people think, say or do, thinking of them will only hold me back, if people do reply its a bonus
Because i was always being shut down by father and brother, i went from one extreme to the other, i would exert my freedom to speak and shout whatever, from wherever, whenever i felt like it. After realising that with my new learned behaviour brought along a new set of issues, because i can not say what i like, when i like, to who i like ,i started to learn how to balance my freedom of speech, so i could express myself fully but having boundaries in place so i could safeguard myself and those that i would speak about.
The exclusion of my father and brother from my life meant that i could see them for what they were, realise that i can never change them to be what i want them to be and that their presence in my life had no benefit to me, only setbacks, and i no longer had to try and work out their reasons, as that would make my head spin, i believe that once i can go through that process, it makes it easier to extract people from life, regardless of how important i believe the relationship to be.
I think it is brilliant, now that you have finished serving your life as the role of mother and wife and that the time you have left can be devoted to yourself, finding your dreams, your likes and hopes and being able, with the right support, to be whatever you want to be, the world is your oyster Iris. I believe that the people i need in my life are those who, inspire, motivate, validate, support and push me to be the best i can be, if they don't fall in to that category, then regardless of the importance i perceive that relationship to be, it's a relationship that will not benefit me, sometimes we have to put ourselves first Iris.