Last year was a very enjoyable year studying with the OU, and i have really found my studies to be a source of stability and pride as the years have progressed, I, like my fellow students can be rightly proud of the achievements we have made in adversity.
But November and December last year brought with it new concerns, and old ghosts out of closets i thought had been well and truly emptied, and also closure to issues and problems i have been carrying around for several years, and only now am i starting to feel the full impact of these, not only to my stability, but also to my studies.
December is a crazy time in the restaurant industry, but its the time to make hay, whist the sun is shining (or not), although the festive period is a difficult time for those who have to work in it, and large Christmas parties have a way of making one feel invisible, ignored by the revellers having a great time, drinking too much, and having fun, something i never grudge anyone!, so between this and suffering the usual cold, then flu, December started as quite a struggle..
Then i received a letter from the Criminal injuries authority.
It seems that the Criminal injuries authority have decided that four years ago i was a victim of a crime, and in doing so to my mind, so has the state.. I have been pursuing with the police a criminal case against a former partner, who infected me, on purpose with the HIV virus i now carry. This case continues. But in receiving this news, something has changed. The police although conducted an invasive personal investigation, which included surrendering medical data, computers, phones, internet accounts, emails and sexual health history. through medical investigations the virus was matched with evidence the police had on record, at this point i found out i wasn't the first. and a case has been built. But in deciding in my favour, the Criminal injuries authority has in one go validated all the experiences, pain and drama i have been through for the last 4 years.
Good things have come from this horror, Medical practice, on treatment for HIV in the UK has changed due to the results of the medical trials i went on, and of course this Degree.. which i decided to start from the beginning and have no regrets about.. Now the healing process has a to really start, and I'm finding this the most difficult.. validation, and people saying yes, something terrible is a start, is great..Now its about coming out, about my status, as hiding to me is playing the part of the victim, no matter how difficult the stigma is..
Happy new year.. looking forward to the future
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Through the night I composed a very long reply in my head. This is not it, but the message is the same.
I do not subscribe to the view that "That which does not kill me makes me stronger" but I do believe that, with support, one can choose whether to be a victim or a survivor.
You are very brave, Neil, to pursue this and to post about it.
I think you are entitled to feel proud.