Personal Blogs

Well, it’s been several weeks since I was ‘Struck’ with Bell’s palsy, and I’m glad to be reporting that after the initial shock, and horror or the situation I found myself in, Things have really started to show amazing signs of improvement. I have started to feel movement in my eyebrow, nose and lips, I’ve been almost able to drink out of cups, or wine glasses without the use of a straw. Eating isn’t a depressing affair in which I bite my lips, chew the inside of my mouth, or simply choke on the food..It’s even started to taste normal again.

I’ve still got to tape my eye closed at night! And blinking isn’t a full affair at present, but these steps, I think are quite substantial in the road to recovery.

I decided to face this affliction head on and take all and every advice I was given, and work hard on it. (The thought of having to defer for a year due to illness was something I wasn’t, and still not prepared to do..) I’ve had to defer my driving test until September, which was a cause of bitter disappointment to me. My left eye was constantly watering, so reading was almost impossible, never mind driving. But I had to face the reality that not only would I have been facing my driving test with an unfair disadvantage, it would have also been quite dangerous, to myself, my instructor and the general public. I took advice on dietary supplements (something I have to be careful with, as I’m on quite hard-core medication for HIV.) embraced Acupuncture, Tai Chi, and a general slowing down, and a ‘mindfulness’ of the new reality I found myself in.

I have faced the reality of having to slow down, and embracing this new reality. For the last month I have been unable to even read, never mind look at the next double modules I am facing in the next academic year. So I have spent the month enjoying the summer, taking time and watching the season, the sea and everyone about me..I had to avoid the Brighton Pride as I was being affected by loud noise, and as my vision wasn’t great I had a tendency to stumble and fall over!

A few days ago the first set of Module books arrived. (This is always an exciting time. Most OU students I’m sure would agree with me here!) And this has coincided with a huge leap in my recovery, so I resumed the pre reading that I had set myself for the course, and I’m glad to say that it all seems to be going in the right direction.

This whole experience has taught some very valuable lessons, and although I’m aware it isn’t over yet, was quite a scary experience, as well as terribly depressing. I know that ‘things could have been so much worse’ (my fears were that I was having a stroke!) and the month of not being able to talk, has facilitated a new understanding of listening, being grateful for the power of speech, something that we all take for granted, so when one is faced with the reality of not being able to speak, it comes as quite a shock..I often found myself going to bed early rather than engage in conversation as it was so tiring and depressing! (It’s still not right, but at least I no longer slur my words..although people still look at me strangely!) Health is a thing we all take for granted. And only when we are taken ill do we truly realise how lucky we are to be in good health. I as much as anyone, maybe more than others due to my HIV status am aware of this, I am now in my 4^th Year being positive, and soon will be joining the ranks of the ‘Long term survivors’…consider that less than ten years ago HIV survival rates were statistically lower, and the prognosis wasn’t very good at all.

I’m still looking forward to my final year of studies this year, Double bubble is still a bit intimidating, but having seen this illness off, I’m now feeling confident again and I am reasserting my drive, and have even started to think about post-grad options. The excitement is back, with the thrill of learning, positive thoughts and mind. So now it’s time to get my head down, work on recovering fully, and facing down those TMA’s!

Last year was a very enjoyable year studying with the OU, and i have really found my studies to be a source of stability and pride as the years have progressed, I, like my fellow students can be rightly proud of the achievements we have made in adversity.

But November and December last year brought with it new concerns, and old ghosts out of closets i thought had been well and truly emptied, and also closure to issues and problems i have been carrying around for several years, and only now am i starting to feel the full impact of these, not only to my stability, but also to my studies.

December is a crazy time in the restaurant industry, but its the time to make hay, whist the sun is shining (or not), although the festive period is a difficult time for those who have to work in it, and large Christmas parties have a way of making one feel invisible, ignored by the revellers having a great time, drinking too much, and having fun, something i never grudge anyone!, so between this and suffering the usual cold, then flu, December started as quite a struggle..

Then i received a letter from the Criminal injuries authority.

It seems that the Criminal injuries authority have decided that four years ago i was a victim of a crime, and in doing so to my mind, so has the state.. I have been pursuing with the police a criminal case against a former partner, who infected me, on purpose with the HIV virus i now carry. This case continues. But in receiving this news, something has changed. The police although conducted an invasive personal investigation, which included surrendering medical data, computers, phones, internet accounts, emails and sexual health history. through medical investigations the virus was matched with evidence the police had on record, at this point i found out i wasn't the first. and a case has been built. But in deciding in my favour, the Criminal injuries authority has in one go validated all the experiences, pain and drama i have been through for the last 4 years.

Good things have come from this horror, Medical practice, on treatment for HIV in the UK has changed due to the results of the medical trials i went on, and of course this Degree.. which i decided to start from the beginning and have no regrets about.. Now the healing process has a to really start, and I'm finding this the most difficult.. validation, and people saying yes, something terrible is a start, is great..Now its about coming out, about my status, as hiding to me is playing the part of the victim, no matter how difficult the stigma is..

Happy new year.. looking forward to the future

I'm rather looking forward to a day trip around Brighton churches, looking at stained glass from the Pre-Raphaelites and Pugin.. hope its gonna help on the next TMA.

Back from Paris, which was amazing, I spent many days on my own walking, looking, getting bearings.. this time being there i felt much more relaxed, not so rushed around the city. guess i had more time to drink it all in..although it was bitterly cold..

I also visited places, museums i really wanted to go to, see things i really wanted to go and see, and ticked quite a lot off my list!

The highlight of the week was watching Wagner at the Opera bastille.. amazing mind blowing the works, it is so much 'more' when you see a live production, i couldnt recomend it more..shame about the prices though..

Well i have one day left until i have a week off in Paris, although tonight the restaurant i work in is sure gonna be busy! we are fully booked so at least time will fly by..

Then off to Paris, Im quite excited to be going by Eurostar, and as i have not been to Paris for over ten years this time i have a list of places and things to go and see, things that could help out in my studies, and of course to kick back and relax a little..

I have worked a little ahead of the study plan so i can afford to take a week out, although im taking my books and laptop so i can study whilst im away..Maybe i should add a few pictures when i return !