Once again my demons got the better of me. Five days of my life mindlessly wasted and the battle for sobriety lost only to start once more. At my worst I feel I'm a slave to my addiction, I was in active recovery and as of today I am again. I turned my back on my studies, my duties as a carer for my poor mother and the chance to champion my recovery only to plummet in to an abyss of self loathing, self harm and an obsession to destroy whatever good I have at the time. I've used today as a day of rest, recovery and preparation for the new morning to begin a start to gaining sobriety. I've heard people say "you only live once" through out my life experience I believe I'm reborn again and again every time the morning starts and i awake with grace and the gratitude of the chance that has been given me to start again, if anything I believe you only die once. I've honestly have no idea where I get the drive or the will to pick myself up and keep trying as I have been in this place so many times before.
Who ever is watching out for me, who ever the higher power may be and who ever it is I am supposed to bow done for, I say thank you for the lessons, thank you for my pain, my suffering and thank you for the will to want to carry on as I'm sure there is a message in there somewhere and a reason why I'm on the path I'm on, forgive me for not thanking you for the pain and suffering I impose on those who care for me, I cant bare the suffering of others just to educate me. I refuse to be defined by my actions, I refuse to be defined by one aspect of my life, 46 years, 16,802 days, 403.248 hours, 24,194.88 minutes, 1,450,656,000 seconds is far to long for far to many things to happen to be defined by just one experience, which indeed could only take seconds. This is where the infinite awareness of consciousness helps to gain a perspective on things, I dont care to think of how many experiences I've had in this process called life but that is what they are they are experiences that I've been through, how can I begin to narrow down my existence by calling myself by the name of just one experience.
So thank you for the chance to try again, thank you for the chance to right my wrongs, thank for what I have as so many have fewer and thank you for my pain and suffering as so many suffer greater.
Day 16 of OU studies.
Once again my demons got the better of me. Five days of my life mindlessly wasted and the battle for sobriety lost only to start once more. At my worst I feel I'm a slave to my addiction, I was in active recovery and as of today I am again. I turned my back on my studies, my duties as a carer for my poor mother and the chance to champion my recovery only to plummet in to an abyss of self loathing, self harm and an obsession to destroy whatever good I have at the time. I've used today as a day of rest, recovery and preparation for the new morning to begin a start to gaining sobriety. I've heard people say "you only live once" through out my life experience I believe I'm reborn again and again every time the morning starts and i awake with grace and the gratitude of the chance that has been given me to start again, if anything I believe you only die once. I've honestly have no idea where I get the drive or the will to pick myself up and keep trying as I have been in this place so many times before.
Who ever is watching out for me, who ever the higher power may be and who ever it is I am supposed to bow done for, I say thank you for the lessons, thank you for my pain, my suffering and thank you for the will to want to carry on as I'm sure there is a message in there somewhere and a reason why I'm on the path I'm on, forgive me for not thanking you for the pain and suffering I impose on those who care for me, I cant bare the suffering of others just to educate me. I refuse to be defined by my actions, I refuse to be defined by one aspect of my life, 46 years, 16,802 days, 403.248 hours, 24,194.88 minutes, 1,450,656,000 seconds is far to long for far to many things to happen to be defined by just one experience, which indeed could only take seconds. This is where the infinite awareness of consciousness helps to gain a perspective on things, I dont care to think of how many experiences I've had in this process called life but that is what they are they are experiences that I've been through, how can I begin to narrow down my existence by calling myself by the name of just one experience.
So thank you for the chance to try again, thank you for the chance to right my wrongs, thank for what I have as so many have fewer and thank you for my pain and suffering as so many suffer greater.
WWG1WGA