Personal Blogs

Almost two years ago I was diagnosed with CPTSD (Complex Post Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and BDP/EUPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) (Emotional Unstable Personality disorder). Because of the coercive, psychological, physical, verbal, abusive nature of my upbringing I suffered with the symptoms of CPTSD BDP for the majority of my comprehendible life.

 As part of my treatment for both disorders i was medicated and assigned DBT (Dialectical Behaviour Therapy) which is a talking that looks at emotion regulation and works with function of those emotions with a view to change.

DBT is a relatively new therapy which was constructed by an a American lady called Marsha M Linehan, who herself was a suffer of mental disorder's. DBT is an extensive  six month course that is carried out twice over a complete year, it is a requirement that the DBT therapist undertake the course their selves in order to teach it.

DBT is an intensive course with a high success rate and is designed to have a two hour group session where home work is given and feedback is taken and a one hour session of one to one, both sessions are done with a DBT therapist and both sessions happen weekly. Only twenty two people, per year in Warwickshire are picked to attend each year, it is quite a prestigious course. I was also under the care of a CPN which meetings took place once a week reducing

At this point I had just freed myself from my abusive partner, I was a depressive recluse who only left the house to attend appointments of self development and of course my dealer in the weak moments, I was scared of confrontation, scared of loud noises, the dark, basically I was scared of my own shadow, my substance abuse was through the roof, I was prolifically self harming by way of cutting, stabbing and breaking things over my own head, I was 6 stone under weight, I was abusing my medication, sleeping and eating was a concept that I couldn't grasp, my depressive moods were at an all time low and I was bankrupt, probably in the worst state I've ever been in my adult life, if not just as bad

Then one day the sun shone on me and I was lucky enough to be given the chance to attend DBT and so I started  on the 10/10/2019 after a year long wait. When I started DBT I really took to it brilliantly, within 5 months my self harming had stopped, I was attending a substance miscue charity for help with abstinence.

I was crushing abstinence, I was free from my abusive relationship with my ex partner, I attended every twice weekly meetings early, my homework was done on time and I was getting really good feedback, I was told by the therapists that I was a pleasure to work with and I was engaging excellently, I started to study year one with the OU, I was eating and sleeping properly, taking my meds on time, I was volunteering for a substance misuse charity in which I was excelling at, with a positive view to employment and generally I was in the best place id been in for three years

I was finally able to leave the house with some confidence, I had a purpose in life again and I was really looking forward to my meetings and being out in the fresh air with out fear.

Then one day the sun stopped shinning on me. Five months in to my DBT COVID struck and panic set in world wide. In one foul swoop my entire support system was wiped out. I could not continue with DBT, I could not see my CPN, volunteering stopped, the support I was getting with substance misuse stopped, my studies were interrupted and I was like so many of you, living in a prison, waiting, while the world worked out a way to connect again. I was no longer allowed to leave my house.

Within this period I started to feel depressed again, this manifested in to self harm which escalated to substance misuse. I could not control my eating and sleeping, I begun to loose weight again and before I knew it I was spiralling towards a dark place. It took a couple of months for DBT to work out a substitute of video meetings, this meant that I could still not leave my house, the excitement of leaving my house for a safe place of self development was gone, the interaction with like minded people was gone, we all felt like freaks and weirdos but at least there was a group of us which helped take that feeling  away, or at least we could feel like freaks and wierdos together, for a brief moment we felt a part of something positive and we were not crazy. 

Going out was a new treat for me that I would really look forward to and once again it was gone, the process has gone. Soon after the the video meetings were taking place it started put a barrier between me and my therapist and i was feeling a disconnection, it became cold and emotionless and an activity that, to this day I struggle to interact with, as a result I have really not benefited by the new changes, if anything I have gone backwards. 

I can do the written work but putting in place the tools I'm reading about is so hard with out that human connection that can inspire, motivate and create an emotional connection. I'm really feeling the impact of of losing the personal interaction and dealing with such a tough emotional issue through a system that does not transmit emotional personal air waves. As much as I try I really have not benefited since COVID struck, so much of my story has come from no too little choice of my own, circumstances and life as well as my disorders has dictated so much.

Now I'm reaching the end of my allocation to twelve months of DBT which ends this month, despite the fact that the last 6 months of my treatment was none existent for two months, not carried out in the correct format and as a result I have relapsed twice, started to self harm, struggled to attend meetings due to depression, completed homework but struggling to implement the tools I have learned, lost my CPN and generally gone backwards. I am being told by my therapist that I know the tools and I should know how to cope, I've had my time, there are over people waiting, I chose to not turn up to meetings and I've had my chance.

Every time I try to explain this to her she invalidates me, and over rides what I say with a but, if, should, you need to, you should of, its your choice, all the things that she is teaching me not to do. I've tried to remind her that I am mental ill with what is effectively brain damage and the choices that I am confronted with are limited as a result.

People with BDP/EUPD (Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder are commonly linked with damage to the amygdala which is a collection of cells near the base of the brain. There are two, one in each hemisphere or side of the brain. This is where emotions are given meaning, remembered, and attached to associations and responses to them (emotional memories). The Amygdala is considered to be part of the brain's limbic system. So this would confirm that when it comes to rational, logical and emotional decision that I truly dont have a lot of choice and control over them, hence why I'm doing this course.

I am perplexed that I am having to explain this to my own therapist. I have asked to speak to a clinician so I can tell them my concerns and hopefully speak to some with a bit more authority than her that will listen to my issue. When things are good between me and my therapist she is open and generally a nice person but every time I address her with this issue I'm met with defiance and she becomes very much void of any responsibility, compassion or empathy of my struggles. 

I will ring the TCMHT (The Community Mental Health Team) again tomorrow to see if I can resolve this matter. Am I being unfair for asking to have my shot at DBT again? Am I being unfair in wanting my chance of DBT from start to finish? Am I being unfair in saying that I have struggled since the changes? Am i being unfair in wanting DBT the way it was intended so that I can get the real benefit of this amazing course?  Am I being unfair in wanting to be a success of the course? As I am told it has a high success rate. I dont believe I am, after all this is a necessity for me not a luxury.

WGW1WGA