Time seems to passing quite quick and I'm not sure I'm a fan of that, I thought mindfulness would of slowed things down but it seems to be doing the opposite. I'm getting to grips with it now and enjoying the process, it appears to be more habitual than ever before, whether its observing or participating, the choice is more frequent and of free will.
I was introduced to mindfulness for the first time in 2004 as part of structured day program with a substance misuse organisation and it was quickly brushed off as I did not have the skill set to undertake such a practice. I was introduced to it once again in 2012, again as part a treatment program at a substance misuse centre. I was more keen to try and maintain the practice of it this time but again I lacked the discipline, but I carried on trying regardless
All the while since my first efforts in 2004 slipping it in between bouts of depression, bouts self harm by the way of cutting, bouts self harm by the way of substance misuse, eating disorders and violent coercive relationships that ended with me being stabbed, I searched for it in my mind but I could not find it.
After a lifetime of symptoms I finally got a diagnosis. Once away from my abusive partner and along with the diagnosis of CPTSD and BDP/EUPD came therapy and just like substance misuse centres along came the mindfulness. By this time I was well a wear of the practice and 'now more than ever' eager to participate. So after 16 years of the above mentioned symptoms, since my first introduction to mindfulness and after 4 years of therapy, including EEG, neurofeedback. EMDR and DBT with mindfulness always running in the background, my discipline in order to master the skill of mindfulness is as good as its ever been.
I think back to when it was first attempted mindfulness, it literally seared the life out of me, I would end up sobbing to the state of despair, I couldn't bear to sit with my own head in silence, the very thought of sitting with my own thoughts would lead to more bouts of cutting, drug taking and depression. It was beyond me to turn the volume down, manic, madness, high risk situations and living a life full of risk seemed to be the only way I could stop myself entering that, so called 'dark place', I thought was my mind.
I had no idea that I would be sitting hear one day saying how I love the act of mindfulness and how habitual and natural it would be. I genuinely believed that I was living by the sword and would therefore die by the sword to the extent I no longer cared, pain, abuse, neglect and suffering was a way of life that kept me alive or the only way I could feel alive.
Now days I thrive in silence, from wakening in the morning, brushing teeth, showering, getting dressed, walking around my house, eating, opening mail, shopping, talking, almost every act I do during my waking day, and all done mindfully. Back in the day I would of took a life or given my own to be able to sit in my own head in peace no matter what the circumstance, no matter who in my life is murdered or a murderer.
I think the point I am trying to make is, if a scummy, pykie, homeless, looser, loner druggy, freak like weirdo, dosser, like me can find myself in a position where I no longer believe any of those names I would call myself, and I can finally look myself in the mirror and say, 'I like you' without feeling like a 24 karat..........!! Then negatively or positively, the mind is a super awesomely powerful place to be, and I guess with that power comes responsibility, a responsibility to ourselves, to feed ourselves the correct belief systems we choose to install as gospel when inevitably we suffer through life. Eightfold.
Day 49 of OU studies.
Time seems to passing quite quick and I'm not sure I'm a fan of that, I thought mindfulness would of slowed things down but it seems to be doing the opposite. I'm getting to grips with it now and enjoying the process, it appears to be more habitual than ever before, whether its observing or participating, the choice is more frequent and of free will.
I was introduced to mindfulness for the first time in 2004 as part of structured day program with a substance misuse organisation and it was quickly brushed off as I did not have the skill set to undertake such a practice. I was introduced to it once again in 2012, again as part a treatment program at a substance misuse centre. I was more keen to try and maintain the practice of it this time but again I lacked the discipline, but I carried on trying regardless
All the while since my first efforts in 2004 slipping it in between bouts of depression, bouts self harm by the way of cutting, bouts self harm by the way of substance misuse, eating disorders and violent coercive relationships that ended with me being stabbed, I searched for it in my mind but I could not find it.
After a lifetime of symptoms I finally got a diagnosis. Once away from my abusive partner and along with the diagnosis of CPTSD and BDP/EUPD came therapy and just like substance misuse centres along came the mindfulness. By this time I was well a wear of the practice and 'now more than ever' eager to participate. So after 16 years of the above mentioned symptoms, since my first introduction to mindfulness and after 4 years of therapy, including EEG, neurofeedback. EMDR and DBT with mindfulness always running in the background, my discipline in order to master the skill of mindfulness is as good as its ever been.
I think back to when it was first attempted mindfulness, it literally seared the life out of me, I would end up sobbing to the state of despair, I couldn't bear to sit with my own head in silence, the very thought of sitting with my own thoughts would lead to more bouts of cutting, drug taking and depression. It was beyond me to turn the volume down, manic, madness, high risk situations and living a life full of risk seemed to be the only way I could stop myself entering that, so called 'dark place', I thought was my mind.
I had no idea that I would be sitting hear one day saying how I love the act of mindfulness and how habitual and natural it would be. I genuinely believed that I was living by the sword and would therefore die by the sword to the extent I no longer cared, pain, abuse, neglect and suffering was a way of life that kept me alive or the only way I could feel alive.
Now days I thrive in silence, from wakening in the morning, brushing teeth, showering, getting dressed, walking around my house, eating, opening mail, shopping, talking, almost every act I do during my waking day, and all done mindfully. Back in the day I would of took a life or given my own to be able to sit in my own head in peace no matter what the circumstance, no matter who in my life is murdered or a murderer.
I think the point I am trying to make is, if a scummy, pykie, homeless, looser, loner druggy, freak like weirdo, dosser, like me can find myself in a position where I no longer believe any of those names I would call myself, and I can finally look myself in the mirror and say, 'I like you' without feeling like a 24 karat..........!! Then negatively or positively, the mind is a super awesomely powerful place to be, and I guess with that power comes responsibility, a responsibility to ourselves, to feed ourselves the correct belief systems we choose to install as gospel when inevitably we suffer through life. Eightfold.
WWG1WGA