Edited by Casper Smith, Monday, 22 Feb 2021, 13:17
Achieved absolutely all the opposites of what I wanted to achieve today, if I had my way I would not have got out bed this morning, my Mother had some chores for me to do and some errand's to run so the choice was taken away from me, but as I said I could of quite happily spent the day sleeping and eating. Family dramas have taken their toll last week, on top of watching my Mother in discomfort, it all became to much. I am actually surprising myself with my coping mechanisms, I am able to be put in stressful situations and no longer build bonfires, as I would have done not so long ago. I believed I was going to wake up this morning and tackle on my studies head on, it was not until I feel asleep last night and woke up this morning that I realised just how, out of whack I was. My previous life has left me feeling frail, timid and very passive, I am only 46 years old and yet I feel like I am 65. I strive for silence and fully feel the effects of anything out of the ordinary, the impact of the dramas from a life I left behind a long time ago, still vibrate around my soul, stopping a dysfunctional life of addiction, crime, abuse and neglect is one step of the life long battle, the toughest part for me is the changing of the mindset and the belief systems that are installed over years from so called care givers. At 46 I find myself going back to school to learn how to re-write my life script, to go against all I have been taught and start again, armed with all I have learned from the experience. I am no longer afraid to say I am scared, or show my vulnerabilities, I am no longer feared of fear, if I am honest the only things I fear today, is the thought of ever being in those situations again and the suffering of my beautiful Mother, and with all I have learned from life so far, those fears are acceptable and manageable. For the first time in my life I feel responsible, I have spent a life time feeling like Peter Pan, and now, and now i feel like a man, and I am happy with that.
Day 73 of OU studies.
Achieved absolutely all the opposites of what I wanted to achieve today, if I had my way I would not have got out bed this morning, my Mother had some chores for me to do and some errand's to run so the choice was taken away from me, but as I said I could of quite happily spent the day sleeping and eating. Family dramas have taken their toll last week, on top of watching my Mother in discomfort, it all became to much. I am actually surprising myself with my coping mechanisms, I am able to be put in stressful situations and no longer build bonfires, as I would have done not so long ago. I believed I was going to wake up this morning and tackle on my studies head on, it was not until I feel asleep last night and woke up this morning that I realised just how, out of whack I was. My previous life has left me feeling frail, timid and very passive, I am only 46 years old and yet I feel like I am 65. I strive for silence and fully feel the effects of anything out of the ordinary, the impact of the dramas from a life I left behind a long time ago, still vibrate around my soul, stopping a dysfunctional life of addiction, crime, abuse and neglect is one step of the life long battle, the toughest part for me is the changing of the mindset and the belief systems that are installed over years from so called care givers. At 46 I find myself going back to school to learn how to re-write my life script, to go against all I have been taught and start again, armed with all I have learned from the experience. I am no longer afraid to say I am scared, or show my vulnerabilities, I am no longer feared of fear, if I am honest the only things I fear today, is the thought of ever being in those situations again and the suffering of my beautiful Mother, and with all I have learned from life so far, those fears are acceptable and manageable. For the first time in my life I feel responsible, I have spent a life time feeling like Peter Pan, and now, and now i feel like a man, and I am happy with that.
WWG1WGA