An interesting conversation with my brother, my brother is coming to the end of a life sentence that he received for murder back in 2007.
The dynamics in my family have been bizarre over the years to say the least. Its not until i try to separate myself from those dynamics and continue to live an average life that I am reminded of how out of sync my families belief system are.
My Father was a criminal through and through, although my Father would religiously work from dusk to dawn every day of his living life, he was as crooked as a 9 bob note and would encourage this through out the family. My brother picked up on this and formed a formidable partnership with my father, I did not pick up on this and soon become the Blacksheep of the family, i would soon feel the full force of not complying with my Fathers lifestyle from both him, my Brother and the police who would arrest me for my half hearted attempt at being a criminal, which was foolishly applied by myself in an attempt to both please my Father and Brother and seek their approval.
For some bizarre reason the more crime they committed the better they were, the more time they spent in prison, the better they were, the reward system that was set up in my family for committing crime and going to prison, was one of money, items and bragging rights of police and prison battles. There was never any thought for the victim, infarct when either of them would go to prison then it was they who were the victim, 'i know, work that one out'.
The pressure to commit crime and indeed go to prison, so that i could smuggle drugs with me and sell them 'as an earner' was relentless from both of them, sell drugs, burgle houses, steal from shops, steal from anywhere, my Father would point to things as we were driving around, and say, 'if you get that i will but it from you' I never wanted do any of that, yet the violence i was met with, was sometimes the lesser punishment of the two, the more i objected the blacker the sheep became, the more i went along with them, the more time i spent in police cells.
The only way out was to go against my Father so much that he would kick me out of the family home, i mean, being homeless at 13 years old upwards was no picnic but at least i was able to form my own personality that was forged out of the desperateness of survival, but soon turned in to my own, that just so happened to attract people to me, I was like a 24 hour performer that would entertain any one and every one and do almost anything to show loyalty, in the hope of being accepted or giving a bed for however long or feed, or just generally appreciated.
I soon learned that this would become my instinct for survival. I learned that if people liked me me they would 'pretty much do anything for me' so all i had to do was be me, me, free from the ways of the people that i was taught to love, respect and honour.
Every now and then my family would cokes me back to the family unit with promises of all i had been seeking from them, only to find out that once i had served my purpose, i was of no use to them anymore and i would be told to leave again, in the form of an orchestrated argument, that was placed at the feet of me suggesting that i had started the argument and it was me at fault.
I always held my arms open wide receptively towards my family, in the hope that i would be greeted with the same gesture, sadly, i never was and i would feel the full force of their rejection every time. Life like this thickens ones skin and leaves a void that is yurning to be filled, which in my experience it was to filled with things that would only prove to make my situation worse.
For an even more bizarre reason my brothers life of crime and imprisonment, some how elevated my brother to be a person that every one else in the family would speak very highly of, admire openly and freely, even after his conviction for murder, i would genuinely have to sit as the Blacksheep in my family, listening to how my brother has this unique way of being and how clever he is, how he has a way of thinking that is so unique. It took a long time for me to accept my families rejection and develop my own sense of self, in fact, it is still work in progress, and in a way i am glad i have the conflicts with my Brother, as it shows me that i am changing and i still hold on to my virtues, that do not fit in.
I have responded to my brother via email, as he seems to only want to get his point across and then tell me he is not interested in any response i have and even hang up, in the email i am making one last stand against brother, in order for him to accept me as i am or i will walk away from the relationship, as i feel i am the one who benefits less from our interaction.
I genuinely feel empowered by my actions and have no regrets, i feel i am as worthy as he and should therefore be treated appropriately. I have learned that blind loyalty between family members have the power to be destructive. I have learned that we are allowed to not like our family members if we so choose and i have learned that i am not obligated to any family members in any way, it is my freedom of choice. And if they cant see that, then i will gladly walk away.
Day 87 of OU studies.
An interesting conversation with my brother, my brother is coming to the end of a life sentence that he received for murder back in 2007.
The dynamics in my family have been bizarre over the years to say the least. Its not until i try to separate myself from those dynamics and continue to live an average life that I am reminded of how out of sync my families belief system are.
My Father was a criminal through and through, although my Father would religiously work from dusk to dawn every day of his living life, he was as crooked as a 9 bob note and would encourage this through out the family. My brother picked up on this and formed a formidable partnership with my father, I did not pick up on this and soon become the Blacksheep of the family, i would soon feel the full force of not complying with my Fathers lifestyle from both him, my Brother and the police who would arrest me for my half hearted attempt at being a criminal, which was foolishly applied by myself in an attempt to both please my Father and Brother and seek their approval.
For some bizarre reason the more crime they committed the better they were, the more time they spent in prison, the better they were, the reward system that was set up in my family for committing crime and going to prison, was one of money, items and bragging rights of police and prison battles. There was never any thought for the victim, infarct when either of them would go to prison then it was they who were the victim, 'i know, work that one out'.
The pressure to commit crime and indeed go to prison, so that i could smuggle drugs with me and sell them 'as an earner' was relentless from both of them, sell drugs, burgle houses, steal from shops, steal from anywhere, my Father would point to things as we were driving around, and say, 'if you get that i will but it from you' I never wanted do any of that, yet the violence i was met with, was sometimes the lesser punishment of the two, the more i objected the blacker the sheep became, the more i went along with them, the more time i spent in police cells.
The only way out was to go against my Father so much that he would kick me out of the family home, i mean, being homeless at 13 years old upwards was no picnic but at least i was able to form my own personality that was forged out of the desperateness of survival, but soon turned in to my own, that just so happened to attract people to me, I was like a 24 hour performer that would entertain any one and every one and do almost anything to show loyalty, in the hope of being accepted or giving a bed for however long or feed, or just generally appreciated.
I soon learned that this would become my instinct for survival. I learned that if people liked me me they would 'pretty much do anything for me' so all i had to do was be me, me, free from the ways of the people that i was taught to love, respect and honour.
Every now and then my family would cokes me back to the family unit with promises of all i had been seeking from them, only to find out that once i had served my purpose, i was of no use to them anymore and i would be told to leave again, in the form of an orchestrated argument, that was placed at the feet of me suggesting that i had started the argument and it was me at fault.
I always held my arms open wide receptively towards my family, in the hope that i would be greeted with the same gesture, sadly, i never was and i would feel the full force of their rejection every time. Life like this thickens ones skin and leaves a void that is yurning to be filled, which in my experience it was to filled with things that would only prove to make my situation worse.
For an even more bizarre reason my brothers life of crime and imprisonment, some how elevated my brother to be a person that every one else in the family would speak very highly of, admire openly and freely, even after his conviction for murder, i would genuinely have to sit as the Blacksheep in my family, listening to how my brother has this unique way of being and how clever he is, how he has a way of thinking that is so unique. It took a long time for me to accept my families rejection and develop my own sense of self, in fact, it is still work in progress, and in a way i am glad i have the conflicts with my Brother, as it shows me that i am changing and i still hold on to my virtues, that do not fit in.
I have responded to my brother via email, as he seems to only want to get his point across and then tell me he is not interested in any response i have and even hang up, in the email i am making one last stand against brother, in order for him to accept me as i am or i will walk away from the relationship, as i feel i am the one who benefits less from our interaction.
I genuinely feel empowered by my actions and have no regrets, i feel i am as worthy as he and should therefore be treated appropriately. I have learned that blind loyalty between family members have the power to be destructive. I have learned that we are allowed to not like our family members if we so choose and i have learned that i am not obligated to any family members in any way, it is my freedom of choice. And if they cant see that, then i will gladly walk away.
WWG1WGA